Author: alyssapebbles

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contentment

alyssapebbles

I am always convicted, especially during this time of the year, of my lack of gratefulness. While the season of Thanksgiving encourages us to look at all that we have been given and be grateful, I find it a particular challenge in the current circumstances I face- leaving an internship I thought I was going to find fulfillment in and feeling disillusioned about my future.

Discontent has marked much of my life: I suffer from a serious lack mentality. For almost as long as I can remember growing up, I was not satisfied with what I had- always looking at what others possessed, whether material items, talents and skills, physical appearance, social status…etc. I remember being very materialistic as a child and envying others much of the time. It’s always been so much easier for me to focus on everything that’s wrong and missing in my life, constantly comparing myself to others, than focusing on the blessings God has given and is giving to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a four on the enneagram… or because I was an only child for seven years. Whatever the reason, the discontent I feel can be so frustrating and make me feel so selfish for not being able to appreciate all that He has given me- because He has given me so much. It’s a matter of training my eyes to see it, to see Him in all His glory and His dwelling inside of me. In Him, we already have enough- there is no lack. Paul’s words provide a source of encouragement and hope for me during this time:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:11-13

I can either look at my life and myself as a failure, forever doomed to be unsatisfied and unfulfilled, or I can choose to see my life through His lens. I am finally at a place where He can use me however He pleases, unhindered by anything. My future is wide open, which is both terrifying and impossibly exciting. That in itself is a gift.

While the discouragement and disillusionment can come in palpable waves at times, I know He is in control of my life and is allowing this season to happen for a reason. I have to find my satisfaction in Him alone, because right now I don’t have anything else- everything is shifting and changing and there is no stability but in Him. If I allow Him to change my perspective, I will be able to be grateful for where I’m at, for this time of self-discovery, healing, and revelation. I know most people don’t get this kind of time in their life, so instead of feeling guilty for it and wishing my circumstances were different, I can see the blessing and take advantage of it, using it to grow deeper in my relationship with Him.

Contentment is a choice, not something we can only feel when our circumstances are just right- because they never will be. Just as we choose to follow Him each day, we can choose to allow Him to be enough for us in this day and see the blessings all around us.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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the good and giving father

alyssapebbles

Sometimes it is so hard to believe that God truly wants to bless us- that He is good and faithful and trustworthy and never desires bad things for us. Yes, He sometimes allows us to suffer for growing purposes, but that is never His ultimate goal for us.

He wants to give us good things.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

~James 1:17

I think many of us have been trained up in this guilt-complex (whether inflicted by the church, authoritative and demanding parents, or self-inflicted) where we can’t accept the blessings that God truly wants to give us because we believe we don’t deserve them. And it’s true- we don’t deserve them, yet we need to learn to freely accept them.

In this continuing tumultuous and uncertain stage of my life, God has reached out His hand and given me an opportunity which feels too good to be true. It feels like something I don’t deserve. I am attacked right and left with my mistakes, failures, and shame as reasons that I can’t accept these blessings and instead must pay for my deeds (a.k.a. live in punishment and mourning until I have, so to speak, “earned my keep.”) Truly this is what the enemy tells me.

Yet God’s voice is still there. He is still with me. He still has hope for me and still wants to fulfill His promises to me. How can it be? How can He know my deepest insecurities, shame, and sin, and still want to be with me, or even near me?

I know the depravity of my own soul. Sometimes the weight of the shame I carry feels so incredibly heavy. It feels like my duty to carry it- the weight of my sin. But so much of this weight I was never meant to carry- once we confess our sins and repent to our Father, we are free to no longer be burdened by those things. But sometimes I choose to continue living under that burden, for no reason other than in some twisted way I think I am honoring Him in my groveling. My mom calls it false humility. It could also be defined as wallowing…

But He doesn’t want us to wallow. We are not meant to live in a constant cycle of attacking ourselves and feeling inadequate- feeling like we’ll never amount to anything or that our future is hopeless. It’s simply not: but it is if we don’t cling to Him.

However, once we have chosen to align our hearts, minds, and wills with His, we are free. We can seriously step into that freedom the moment, the very second, we turn back to Him. It’s absolutely unbelievable, and explains why it is so hard for us to grasp this freedom. It really seems too good to be true…that’s why it’s the good news! We have to claim it.

Part of that freedom involves freely receiving- allowing Him to give us the good things He wants to without questioning Him. As long as our hearts are more in love with Him than anything or anyone else, we can stop being afraid and expecting the worst in every situation, or believing that we are going to screw things up all the time.

S.J. Hill, in his book Enjoying God, writes a chapter on happiness, and how happiness and holiness are not opposites but in fact synonymous when we find our complete happiness, satisfaction, and joy in Him. He writes:

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. In other words, the greatest way we can glorify the Father is by enjoying Him and finding our ultimate happiness in Him.

Like, He actually wants us to be happy! He doesn’t punish us for our sins- that’s why He sent His son to die. How much it hurts His heart when He sees us acting as if that didn’t happen, as if He didn’t offer that ultimate sacrifice for us. That’s what we are doing when we walk around in perpetual shame- acting as if His grace and forgiveness don’t exist and He is not a good father who loves and forgives us, who sets us free.

Stop breaking His heart. He loves you so much, and nothing you can do or will do will ever separate you from that love. Allow Him to bless you.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution of famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8:31-39 (emphasis added)

Please take hold of these promises. He is so faithful and trustworthy through every season, even the darkest ones. Let Him hold you close and fill you up in the deepest way so you can finally let go of everything holding you back and step into the life for which you were created.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!

~2 Corinthians 7:9

Our future and hope is found in Him. We do not have to settle for a less-than life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”

~Jeremiah 29:11-14 (emphasis added)

Be encouraged. This is our calling: to live the abundant life and bear fruit.

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waiting

alyssapebbles

Patience is very difficult for me. I love to jump on exciting opportunities when they come my way, like an eager child waiting to open the first gift on Christmas morning. My heart can barely stand to wait.

Because of this tendency, I have found myself in some very challenging, and sometimes even dangerous, circumstances. My excitement can lead to impulsivity, which can end in disaster. The delay of gratification is such an important concept in psychology that they found in studies where little children were told they would get a second marshmallow if they waited to eat the first one, those children who waited were exponentially more likely to succeed in life: career, family, overall happiness. This is a powerful study, and convicts me right down to my bones.

While I have learned so much through the decisions I’ve made, I think through it all God has been whispering to me to slow down. Instead of rushing into decisions out of fear, He desires for us to wait on Him- not passively, but actively seeking His guidance and wisdom in all that we do before making those decisions- especially the big life ones.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

Changes in circumstances will never fix us. I read this appropriate passage in my devotional this morning:

God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you. Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, “I’m going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.” All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don’t ever have to think they are unnatural or unique. Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them. ~Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest)

I can either look at my experiences and circumstances as stumbling blocks and be constantly looking for ways to make things better for myself, or I can see how He is using all of these situations to form what matters most: my character. Everything is fleeting but our hearts.

As I enter into this next uncertain season of my life, I know it will be a season that requires patience and actively waiting upon the Lord. As much as I desire to know exactly what’s next, I don’t- and that’s scary. This is the first time in my life I have ever not known. I am in the in-between, and it is tempting to despair. But God promises me hope and a future in Him:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

He is faithful and will not let us down. In times and uncertainty, fear, and hopelessness, we can be certain of His unfailing providence. Even when I don’t trust myself or find myself in the darkest of places, I know I can trust Him to bring me through. Even when I feel like a failure, He will not fail me. The process that we are undergoing is a lifelong process of transformation, and this. takes. time.

This takes patience and perseverance in the waiting.

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anchor

alyssapebbles

I get so lost in groups of people. I can so easily forget who I am and mold into whoever I am with, become what they want me to be.

I have a hard time holding my own- being confident in who God made me to be and being my true self in all situations. I know I’m not alone in this.

God’s put me in a place where I am constantly surrounded by people- I live in a house with people that are part of a larger community where I work, and my job is to be around large groups of people. It can feel really exhausting when I don’t know where I stand with others and am constantly trying to seek my worth in others. People-pleasing is the most tiresome work.

Don’t get me wrong: people are affirming and kind and loving and supportive. So many people have spoken into my life here and I have seen transformation in myself because of it- but people cannot be my only source of affirmation.

First and foremost, I must get that affirmation from God, and God alone. He alone knows me inside and out:

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before  word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. ~Psalm 139:1-4

God knows the deep ache in my soul in a way that no one else ever will- He knows all the conflicting feelings and pain and confusing thoughts that run through my head. He knows exactly what I need, even (and especially) when I don’t. People can’t know that.

I’m reading a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, two Christians who understand the importance of setting boundaries for ourselves, especially in the church where those boundaries can become so muddled in the name of good Christian servanthood- denying yourself and taking up your cross. They talk about when we need stronger boundaries and when we need to loosen our boundaries. As someone who has problems setting boundaries with others and getting sucked into life-draining situations that I never intended to be in, I am so refreshed to read their words and take ownership of my own life, which God has called me to steward. He allows things into our lives not to defeat us, but to challenge and call us to action, both in His strength and the strength He gives us. I don’t want to be a victim to my circumstances, floating around with no anchor.

People will always have expectations of you, but you cannot let disappointing them stop you from being you. You have to get your worth from God alone- He will tell you who you are and you will be able to rest in Him if you continually go back to Him as your source of worth. He will use people in your life to speak through, but people are fallible and simply human. No one knows what you truly need but Him.

Get quiet and listen to what He’s saying. His words are life.

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choice

alyssapebbles

Sometimes you find yourself in a place where you have two choices: keep going or give up. To keep going feels impossibly hard, but to give up feels equally painful.

What do you do?

God doesn’t call us to easy things, but He does make a way where we don’t see one. If we will just continue to say yes to Him and His promises, He will not let us down. We may not see immediate effects, but the fruit will come.

In times like these, I have to rely on Him alone. He uses so many people to speak into my life and fill me with truth, but ultimately it is my decision. My decision to believe what He says about me, to take hold of His promises for me- to take ownership of the circumstances He has given me and be a good steward. My decision to take up my cross and follow Him, whatever may come. And then, when my own strength fails (which it does all the time), His strength will come into me. I cannot rely on myself- my feelings are fickle and always lead me astray. But HE is reliable. HE alone is my salvation, and HE guides me into abundant life. 

When fear and anxiety are taking over and consuming you, DO NOT GIVE UP. Do not let those voices win. Listen to your Father- He loves you. His voice is not hurried or rushed, fear-arousing or anxiety-producing. His voice is calm and graceful, trustworthy and true.

Let His love define you. Let His love shape you. Let Him take care of you, and make you well. In Him we find healing, truth, and rest.

Rest in Him. He will provide and you will not be disappointed.

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invest

alyssapebbles

Starting new things is always fun and exciting and easy- in a sense. The adrenaline that comes from newness can sustain you to a certain point, until the burnout hits hard and reality slaps you in the face. As someone who has big dreams and little follow through, I feel convicted by God in the new place He has put me.

He wants me to invest myself here- in relationships, in the work I do, in how I take care of myself, and in the way I live my life for Him. I can no longer have a divided heart. He wants my full attention.

As I have already been pursued and invested in since coming to this beautiful place, I know He calls me to pursue and invest in others. I know what it is to be served- now I am called to serve. 

We can masquerade behind half-truths and shallow interactions with others, always keeping our distance for fear of getting hurt, or we can allow ourselves to be fully seen and fully known. Yes, that does open the door to potential pain and heartbreak, but it’s so much better than over-protecting your heart until it becomes weak, fragile, and cold.

Deciding to stay here was a risk, a daring step towards the freedom God has for me. I was disobeying Him by running away from this opportunity, because He brought me here to shine His light through me. If I withhold what I have to give, I cannot be given to. Just as we must receive before we can give, we also must give before we can receive. It’s a two-way street.

There is still so much uncertainty and unknowns, and I feel my heart pull away from what can feel like intense exposure, but I know it is better to risk than to hide. I’m tired of hiding and running- it’s exhausting and never worth it.

Wherever you find yourself, no matter how imperfect the circumstances (or the people), be there. Be all in, be present, and allow yourself to bloom where you’re planted. With God, you can always flourish if you will lean in to the community of believers around you and allow yourself to be healed. Instead of waiting for things to be just right, enter into the mess and start living. There is abundant joy and life for us if we will just commit ourselves to Him and the people around us that we are called to minister to.

Don’t let fear and inadequacy ever hold you back. Run the race set before you.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ~Hebrews 12:1

 

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messy

alyssapebbles

It’s so easy for me to see all the ugly, chaotic, crazy messes in the world- and most especially in myself. Life is so complicated and confusing and there are always a million different things running through my head and my heart, not to mention everything else going on with the people around me and the world.

We are complex, intricate creatures in a complex, intricate world. There is no right or wrong, up or down, left or right. It’s all relative and about perspective and how in the heck are we supposed to order this mess of our lives?

God has shown me that in the mess there is beauty– in fact, in the mess, there is Him. When everything is spiraling and we can’t see clearly and our hearts are troubled and we are looking for answers in all the wrong places, He is calling to us as our solid rock.

As our order in the mess.

As our calm in the storm.

As our simple in the complicated.

Life doesn’t have to be so messy if I keep my focus on Him.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ~Matthew 6:33

When we focus on trying to control the mess or fix it, or perhaps (in my case) try to run away from it, only a bigger mess will be made. We cannot fix this world (or ourselves) in our own strength- it’s all God’s doing. My trying to fix my own mess is a result of my lack of faith and trust in Him. He is the great Healer, Physician, Handyman- the ailment to all our ills. HE is the one who does the work, and OUR job is to trust Him to do it instead of taking it into our own feeble and incapable hands.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside us helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. ~Romans 8:28 MSG

Sometimes God wants us to sit with Him in our mess until we can no longer bear it- He needs to show us what we’re doing to ourselves and those around us until we HAVE to make a change- or else we will continue to deteriorate inside and out. Although this is incredibly painful, it is the way He brings us closer to Himself and closer to who He wants us to be. When we come to Him in humility with our burdens and our failures, He doesn’t scold us, mock us, or shame us. He forgives us and sets us free.

How grateful I am to have a Father who meets me in my mess- and who wants to take me out of it. It is amazing to know that my story and my past, my choices and my failures, don’t define me; that HE alone does. That He’s taken away my sin and my shame and set me free to live the life worthy of my calling- to experience the abundant joy of living in a broken world as a redeemed person, continually pouring out my brokenness and messiness to Him, who can handle all of it. In return He gives me life and wholeness.

He can handle all of it: every single little messy thing about you. Everything that doesn’t fit with who you think you’re supposed to be, everything you try to hide and avoid, everything that’s secretly killing you on the inside. He will never flinch or turn away or abandon you- He doesn’t see you as a sinner but as a Saint. 

Please hear these words. I am in awe of who He is and what He is capable of; that He could set someone like me free- someone who struggles every day to know and live into my identity in Him. If He loves me that much, there isn’t a person in this world He can’t save with His unconditional love.

No mess is too big for God.

 

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identity

alyssapebbles

Times of transition can be the most challenging times of life- especially when the transition continues and circumstances have not settled. As I go through yet another transition, I feel myself in limbo.

I’m having an identity crisis.

My whole life has been planned up to this point. All I’ve known is school- my identity was in being a student. And I knew how to be a good student; or at least how to live the student life (a.k.a. get by with good-enough grades and spend the rest of my time doing what I want to do). Honestly, that’s how I’ve lived my life up until now.

So now that I don’t know what’s next or what lies ahead, I feel like I don’t know who I am- or what to put my identity into.

This is the perfect time to look to Christ.

When I don’t know what my next week is going to look like, I can look to Him and let Him guide my every footstep, my every breath. I surrender it all to Him- He will show me where I need to be.

I have fallen in love with this community and with Santa Cruz, which, by the way, translates to Holy Cross. I know God brought me here for a reason- just not the reason I thought. He usually operates that way, keeping us guessing and running back to Him for answers. He hasn’t given me one yet, but He has made me aware of the deep healing and cleansing He wants to do in me. As my shame, pain, and self-worth issues have resurfaced through this experience, I am running back to my Creator to remind me of who I really am.

And after I find out and rest in who I really I am, I will know where to go.

God is a protector and provider, and He places our character, our righteousness, above all else; above all circumstances and relationships and locations and jobs and the things we hold so dear and important. He wants us, our whole selves, and nothing less. If He has to knock everything else out of the way to get to us, He will.

Because He loves us.

I have nothing to hold onto but Him- I am His and He is mine. Knowing that, I have nothing to worry or fear going forward. I can step into the journey ahead with confidence, even when problems and issues arise, as they always do. I don’t need to be timid or afraid; I don’t have to hold back my personality or pretend to be someone I’m not. I am finally free.

He will make a way where I don’t see one. I am His child, His beloved, and He will bring me to completion in Him.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. ~Romans 8:28 MSG

I love the song “Nothing I Hold on To” by Will Reagan- it speaks to how desperate we are for Him and how much we need Him when we can’t see the way:

I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to You God

Trusting that You’ll make something beautiful out of me!

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

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free to be me

alyssapebbles

God never wants us to be someone we’re not- He created us as we are for a reason, even if we sometimes feel like a complete and total mess or mistake. We never need to pretend to be someone else.

Easier said than done.

When I look around, I get so caught up in everyone else. I get caught up in the lives of the people around me- what she is doing and where he is going and how successful she is. I become so absorbed in their lives that I forget how to be my own person (Hint: this is called codependency, and it’s a beast.) How everyone else seems to be living their lives to the full while I am over here standing still and paralyzed- feeling lost, confused, and left behind.

Now, I know this isn’t true and we are all on our own journey. There’s no use in looking around and feeling like a failure because guess what: most everyone else is doing the same thing. We all see from our tinted lenses; mine just happens to be the lens of perfection.

If she is good at this, I must be better or else I am worthless. 

If he doesn’t like me, there must be something wrong with me.

Why do I keep chasing this unattainable goal, try to be this person that I never can be?

God’s grace is enough.

While I still don’t understand exactly what God is doing or the path I am supposed to be on, I know that He is a loving Father and He does not punish us: He confronts us with the things that need to be confronted, and then He heals us. He wants us to get well, to become more whole, to become more like Him.

The more we become like Him, the more we become fully ourselves.

I don’t want to be who others think I should be, or even necessarily who I think I should be. I want to be who God says I am, and live fully into that. I still need to figure out what that means, but I know that I am a work in progress and looking outside of Him for answers isn’t going to get me anywhere.

A great blogger I discovered wrote these words:

Your calling is meant for you, not everyone else. Everybody may not get it, and that’s okay. It’s not for them. They weren’t designed for this. You were. God didn’t place it in their heart. He placed it in yours. If we left the purposes and plans of our life in the hands of people, our entire life would be conformed to what people want to see instead of who God made us to be, and that’s just no way to live. ~Brittney Moses (http://brittneyamoses.com)

As I pray for clarity and discernment, the Lord will sustain me and show me where to go next as He reveals more and more of His plans for me, which are so enwrapped and intertwined with my identity and personality. Through trial and error, challenges and failures, I become closer and closer to Him, and therefore closer and closer to myself.

I go forward in courage, empowered by His grace and love for me.

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when it feels impossible

alyssapebbles

God’s strength is enough for us.

Do I believe this? Not always. Sometimes I become so painfully aware of my own weakness that I cannot see past it to our God who is our strength in our weakness.

It feels so heavy. The fear and the uncertainty of my life here consumes and overwhelms me- the enemy’s grip is strong on me as I feel my life and energy sucked right out.

How do we fix our eyes on Him and trust through the darkest times, when we’ve lost the will to fight or to believe that He really can redeem and restore all things? When we’ve lost confidence in ourselves and in our God?

I don’t have the answers. I’m still in the mess of it- still trying to understand why God has brought me here and His heart for me. It’s confusing and scary.

I usually like to end my posts with something hopeful and uplifting, but what I’m learning is that it’s okay to sit in the mess and not have encouragement or inspiration right away. My  heart feels heavy right now and that’s okay.

What I do know is that I’m not alone and that He is with me in this. That whatever you are facing- you are not fighting this battle alone. Ever.  You may feel as alone as you’ve ever felt, and you may be tempted to isolate yourself, but remember that that is what the enemy wants: he wants to get us alone and afraid. He doesn’t want us to realize how loved and supported and understood we are, how deeply we are actually known and cherished. Because when we know that, we are receptive to all that God has for us and can live into His will, which is the enemy’s worst fear.

I will not give up this battle, but I can’t do it alone. I surrender all this fear, shame, and self-doubt to God and trust that He’s doing something through all of this pain.