Month: February 2017

Christ asks us for no less than total commitment to Him. When we are wishy-washy and dabble in sin, surrendering parts of ourselves and our lives to him but holding back other parts, He is not pleased. And neither will we be. We humans are good at compartmentalizing, allowing God only into the areas of our lives we don’t care as much about or know we can’t control. But when it comes to what we really want, need, and hope for, we are afraid of giving it up to Him because we don’t know what the outcome will look like. Yet if we say we are for Him, we have to be all in for Him. There is no half-hearted Christian walk. We are either all in for Jesus or we are not in at all.

The only way we can actually make progress in our faith is if we give Christ our undivided, full attention, in all things- especially the things that mean the most to us. What is your greatest desire in life, what is it that you hold back from Christ because you are so afraid of committing it to a power greater than yourself? Because that is the thing that you need to give up, right now, or it will destroy you. I’ve learned the hard way over and over again that not committing to Christ in one way is not committing to Him at all, for if we hold back one part of our life, nothing fits together the way it should, the way that God has planned.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

God weaves all the seemingly unrelated moving parts of our lives together into a story that makes sense and is uniquely tailored to each of us, which is why we have to give Him all the parts of our story. If we hold back some of it, the story will not be complete. We cannot live in sin and simultaneously live in Christ- the two cannot coexist. And that’s why we feel that tension when we are not living the way we know we should. Surrendering the parts we choose to is easy; surrendering the parts we don’t want to is hard, but it’s the only way to grow. God asks for everything and our resistance draws us away from Him, even if we feel that we are committed in every other way.

All God asks for is a willing heart, a heart completely open to Him and His ways in our life, no matter what happens. Whether or not we get our way is irrelevant, because a life committed to Christ is an abundant and whole life, and it is so much better than the life we could ever possibly dream of. Surrender it all to Him in total commitment, and you will be fulfilled beyond imagination.

We are constantly settling for so much less than God has for us. We allow life to give us what we think we deserve- no more, no less. And yet God wants to give us what we don’t deserve. He wants to give us more than we could ever imagine. Why do we settle?

You have to come from a place of knowing, knowing how much worth you have in Christ, that He desires more for you than you could ever possibly desire for yourself. It is above our understanding; we can’t wrap our minds around it, and yet we must live into it or else we will never be fully satisfied. I feel the yearning for more in my life- I am not satisfied because I am looking to everyone but Christ to satisfy me, which will never amount to anything but more dissatisfaction. God doesn’t work on my terms and my timing but I keep trying to force Him to.

My way! My way! I’m screaming in my head. I feel like I’m about to explode with longing.

What do I long for? Certainly not what’s not good enough. Which is what I chase after, stupidly thinking each time it’s going to fulfill that aching hole in my soul.

It won’t. Why do I have to learn this lesson over and over again? There is no harmony, no peace in stubbornly pursuing my own agenda. There is none, don’t fool yourself. I’m sick and tired of it. I’m fed up! What’s the solution?

It’s not easy, giving up what you want. You think your plan is really great, right? I think mine is. I like my plan a lot. It seems unfair that God doesn’t like my plan, that He insists on making me wait and be patient. I don’t feel patient. I don’t feel like waiting. I want what I want, and I want it now. I’m a five year old throwing a temper tantrum.

But luckily, God is patient with us. He will let us throw our fit. We can wrestle with Him-Jacob did.

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

That’s what I feel like doing- demanding a blessing from God. I’ve waited long enough and I’m ready to be blessed, to experience victory. And God wants that for me too. He doesn’t want me to be complacent. But He is also a loving Father and needs to correct me. He won’t let me have my way when I am complaining like a child. What is to be gained if I get everything I want, when I want it? Spoiled, rotten pride and self-righteousness.

So once again, I find myself surrendering to His will, because my own leads to death. I can’t escape the pain that I cause myself, but there is another way. I know I will come out of this stronger than before, closer to God and His will for me. Maybe right now I don’t believe that His promises are better than what I have in mind, but it’s not up to me. I’m not in control, and neither are you. So let’s stop wasting our time and settling for less than the abundant life of Christ.

I find myself in the struggle of trying to keep up with everything that is going on and perpetually feeling left behind-confused, broken, and gathering up the pieces of what I thought was my life. I feel restless and rebellious, but also hopelessly lost. I don’t cling to Christ because I am angry and frustrated at what He hasn’t given me, what I deserve!

And at the same time I know that I am being selfish. But I am sick of being walked over and stepped on- by the world and by the own confines of my mind, the limits that I place on myself and on God.

God has no limits. He is everywhere, in every nook and cranny of your life, and His plan for you cannot be deterred no matter how far you stray; no matter how much you refuse Him.

As I wrestle with God in this place of confusion and frustration, I am learning to let go. To let go of who I thought I was and what I thought I was constrained to do, and realize that there is an incredible freedom available to me. It is not a freedom that I come by on my own efforts-clearly they lead me nowhere. It is the freedom of ending the crazy madness of measuring up, of letting the world define me and bring me down and mess with my mind and my soul.

I’m so tired.

He’s still there, waiting patiently for me to return with open arms. He won’t condemn me when I come and He won’t list out my wrongs. He won’t tell me I’m stupid or that I need to grow up. He won’t tell me I’m hopelessly lost or that I’ve ruined my future, even though I feel like all those things are true. Even though I am more comfortable condemning myself than accepting a grace that I don’t deserve.

No, instead he’ll hold me. He’ll tell me He loves me. He’ll tell me that I am enough. He’ll tell me to rest, and trust Him. I am weak, but He is strong. He will show me the way back to abundant life, a life that I cannot manufacture- a life filled with His grace and mercy and hope. I am set free, if I will receive it.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folks in their prime stumble and fall. But those wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind. ~Isaiah 40:31 Message version

Change is hard. You don’t need me to tell you this. You know it so well, have experienced it so many times that you have become accustomed to its unsuspecting but all-encompassing grip on your very foundation. Yet it still rocks you, still catches you off-guard and knocks the wind out of you every time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Everything has its season, and sometimes we try too hard to hold onto the seasons that are in the past; the seasons have changed and yet we try to remain the same.

We are not the same. We are different, transformed, and new- every day. This is the resurrected life that Jesus has called us to. There is no going back to who you used to be. You have been changed and your life is different now than it once was. And that is such a good thing.

I find myself constantly either living in the past or living in the future. I have a hard time staying in the present, engaging with where I am right now. Maybe that’s because I am such a dreamer, but it is so incredibly damaging to my well being. I’m scared to move forward so I stay stuck in the past, but the past only drags me down and haunts my very bones. I am not who I was, and the things that happened to me or that I chose in the past do not define who I am or what choices I get to make today. Change is inevitable and it is crucial, because change is growth. Change means we are growing and learning and things are not the same; can no longer remain the same. It’s hard because it requires dying of self, which is always painful and never easy. It requires letting go of old ways of being and taking on the new form Christ has for us.

For me it looks like letting go of being a victim. It looks like using the resources that God has giving me to produce fruit, abiding in Him so my branches don’t die off and produce nothing. Through God, I can experience victory because He has already triumphed. I no longer need to feel sorry for myself or just let life happen to me as a passive bystander. No, God is calling me to change: to be someone who stands up for herself and others; who, coming from place where she knows she is loved, is able to go out and love others. God is my defense and my refuge- I don’t need to defend myself or live in the past anymore. I am changed, and so are you.

It is never too late to change and if you don’t make the first move, God will. Change is scary, yes, but without change there is no growth, and without growth there is no life.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10