Tag: hope

thoughts

new hope

alyssapebbles

The end of the year always brings a sense of hopefulness about the year to come…especially after a particularly difficult year. This has been one of those years for me. In fact I could say 2023 has been the hardest year of my life– yet also the most refining and beautiful year in many ways, as I have seen my relationship with Christ grow through suffering and realized my ability to endure through his strength.

Although I’m far from where I want to be, I see how far God has carried me and I am believing that He has good things in store for 2024. We have already been blessed with a new home that we get to move into soon, and I have seen progress in my health journey, although still rocky. There are so many blessings all around me if I just have the eyes to see them, instead of focusing on what I lack.

It can be easy to become cynical, bitter, or fearful after hard things keep happening to you and it feels like you are being constantly pummeled by life. It can feel like the other shoe is always going to drop. It can feel dangerous to hope, because nothing ever seems to work out. Engaging these feelings has been a great temptation this year, and I still dwell in these mentalities more frequently than I’d like to admit.

But God has shown me that there is another way to view the future– through the lens of His love and providence. To trust that He is still good and working, even though life has been hard. That He is taking care of me through the hard things as He always has, and will continue to in the future. So even when the other shoe does drop (and it usually does, doesn’t it?), He will be right there with me. That gives me no excuse to be bitter or fearful anymore.

Although I still hope for fully restored health, I am learning to take it day by day and to celebrate the small victories (such as not being in pain at night!). It’s so easy to see how far I have yet to go, but I know God is asking me to just invite him into the here and now, to be content with what currently is because this is where He is. That He is healing and will heal me in His timing.

I am grateful to put this year behind me but I will carry its lessons into the new year and for the rest of my life. I don’t want to erase it from my memory or pretend it never happened, as painful as it was. I have learned to appreciate the small things so much more because of the suffering I have had to walk through, and God has truly changed my perspective.

While a new year does not magically change our circumstances or make us better versions of ourselves, it does give us a refresh, a restart, in a sense. Just as His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23), each new year brings new mercies. We can hold onto fresh hope in who God is and what He is doing. We can believe that this year will be better than the last, that the best truly is yet to come for us who are in Him.

Even if 2024 brings more hardship and pain (which it most likely will), we can rest in the promise that He continues to work in and through us and our circumstances. We can have a fresh perspective on pain and suffering, and begin to truly experience His peace and joy in the midst of it. We don’t have to be afraid because we know He is in control of every situation in our lives and in the world.

Our hope is not found in our circumstances. Our hope is found solely in Him, and because of that, we can rejoice because that means every new year He is with us. We can have hope because we don’t walk into another year alone, but rather with the One who loves us and is making all things new (Revelation 21:5).

So while I still have hope for things to change in 2024, I can rest knowing that even if they don’t, my true hope is secured forever in Him.

thoughts

coming out of the woods

alyssapebbles

Little guy is four months old now and I am praising the Lord that I truly feel like we are out of the woods of the craziness of the newborn season. It almost feels like a distant memory now–all those sleepless nights, panic attacks and profanity-filled prayers. I don’t know how we made it through but we did. A season that felt like it would last forever has finally passed, and so much quicker than I ever could have expected. The baby sleeps through the night and the hormones have settled and life actually feels joy-filled once again, with a new kind of joy that only a baby can bring.

But there is a part of me that is afraid. Afraid of sinking back into that pit of despair. Afraid that the ball will drop again.

The hard seasons of life have taught me to be skeptical about the good ones. I’ve become jaded enough to expect something to go wrong when things are going right, searching for the dark clouds in a suspiciously blue sky. I wish I could just enjoy the sweetness without anticipating the sour. To embrace the present without worrying about what is to come. But life has trained me otherwise. Life wants me to become a cynic, to expect and plan for the worst. And it has a way of sounding so convincing and logical, so practical and wise–especially with the news headlines these days and the increasingly chaotic and divided state of the world. Perhaps “life” is really just a pseudonym for Satan, who would love nothing more than to see us live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. But that is not the way of faith.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:34

God has a different way for us. He doesn’t allow us to go through hard things to “weather” us or to beat us down. He’s not trying to break us simply for the sake of seeing us suffer, to “teach us a lesson,” or to keep us on our toes. No, quite the opposite in fact. He breaks us in order to make us more whole. Like the pot that is more beautiful once it has shattered and been glued back together by the potter, until we are broken (and accept our brokenness) we can never know true wholeness. A wholeness that isn’t achieved by us trying to put the pieces back together ourselves, but rather by the Potter Himself. He has certainly done so to me through this thing called new motherhood. I had no idea how broken I could be and yet how whole I would become by going through the fire of the early postpartum days. My old self had to be broken in order to become the new mother that my little boy needs–but that breaking process is always a painful one.

The things that He broke in me were things that needed to be broken anyway, regardless of becoming a mother: selfishness, stubbornness, an illusion of independence and an entitlement to my time and needs first. Having a baby was simply the circumstance He used and is using to break me in this season, but He can and will use anything in our lives if we let Him. The choice is not whether or not to be broken (because we will be), but rather whether we allow Him to remake us or try to remake ourselves. It is the classic choice between bitter or better. And I want to choose better.

In these good days with my precious boy, I want to soak it all in. I want to enjoy the stage we are at now where he is cuddly and adorable and so much fun to be with. I want to think only of the now, the beautiful and sacred now. Because, in reality, that’s all we have. Future worries or hopes cannot be clung to, because they may or may not happen. But right now, I have a wonderful family and a roof over my head and life is good. And if the ball drops again (which it will), God will give me the grace to endure it, as He did through the newborn season and every season before that.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

thoughts

life to the full

alyssapebbles

In this hopeful and beautiful time of year, when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the new life we have in Him, I can’t help but still feel broken. And not entirely like a new creation yet.

I wanted to do a post on the promise of Easter and the hope of spring using flowery and colorful language, but I’ll be honest: this past week has not been filled with hope for me. Instead it’s been filled with anxiety, doubt, health problems, and a keen sense of defeat.

I don’t feel the victory. I don’t feel the promise.

But the good news is: it doesn’t matter what I feel. It matters what He did.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

He came so that we could have life to the full.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I am fully living. I feel like I give myself so many excuses not to live fully– my health issues, my fear of the future, lack of money, lack of opportunities… etc. But if I’m not living fully now, will I ever? If I don’t learn how to accept my circumstances as they are and trust that Jesus is with me in all of this, how will I ever be able to do that when things get harder, which they inevitably will?

I have been so convicted by my own attitude. By my own willingness to throw in the towel when life gets hard. I read stories of others who have gone through so much worse than me, and yet instead of encouraging me, these stories only add to my guilt.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be rejoicing and grateful for what I DO have.

But it’s like a disease- the disease of discontentment.

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to grieve and lament your hard circumstances. In fact, I’m saying the exact opposite- grieving before God is the only way to move through them. We are going through Lamentations at my church, hearing about the incredible grief Jeremiah endured and how he cried out before God. That was godly, and that was good.

I’m saying that we have to trust God in our circumstances, ESPECIALLY when they are difficult. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we trust God when everything is going our way. Only when the trials come do we find out what our faith is really made of. And I’m finding out, once again, that mine is rather flimsy, and very much based on feelings.

Maybe the key to the abundant, full life is not things going perfectly. Maybe it’s living fully where we are, despite how we feel. And trusting that God is going to use all of these hard things for our good. And maybe we need to stop looking around at everyone else and thinking that they are living perfect lives, because that only compounds our own sorrow.

What if we are all struggling? What if there are secret pains and sorrows that we all carry, and yet we portray our lives on social media as if we we weren’t? I know I’m guilty of this. And it’s not wrong to post the good things, but watch what you allow your mind, and your heart, to consume. As I’ve allowed myself back onto social media, I’ve seen the ill effects on my mind again. I don’t even think we realize how much we’re influenced, how comparison is so engrained into our beings.

My life doesn’t look as good as hers, so therefore I am lacking. I am less than, inferior, a mess.

That’s my own inner dialogue, but it’s not what God is speaking to me. But if I don’t take the time to listen and work through my pain with Him, this is what I turn to. This is the easy fix and escape- although it’s not really an escape at all but rather a trap. And I find myself falling into it again, and again, and again.

I don’t think the answer is get rid of social media, but rather to use it wisely. To use it to connect with others, but never, ever, to compare. I have one life to live and living it fully looks different than it does for anyone else. We each are unique and have a subsequently unique story to live.

So, if you are struggling this Easter to feel the joy of what Jesus has done for you and feel like you may be too broken to fix, remember this: nothing in your life is accidental, and you are still invited to the full life right now, in the midst of it all. Though you can’t see it right now, He is working all things for your good, and if you partner with Him in it instead of resisting and questioning and doubting Him, you will see beautiful fruit. I’m in this with you. Life is hard and it probably won’t get easier, but we can let it change us for the better. We can let Him change us for the better. All He asks for is our willingness to trust Him.

thoughts

peace (on earth)

alyssapebbles

Another year has gone by, full of hopes and disappointments, successes and failures.

Sometimes the failures seem to outweigh the successes. It can be easy to become discouraged around this time of year, when the idea “Christmas cheer” feels more ironic than true. It can intensify and magnify our hurts and pains; remind us that we are not where we would like to be.

You’re not alone if you feel alone. If you feel discouraged, downtrodden, or weary. If you wonder when God is going to come through on His promises to you. If you have no idea what this next year is going to bring, and you feel tired of not knowing.

You’re not alone.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

~Matthew 11:28-30

My favorite verse. The one He never stops beckoning me to, inviting me to be still, and to know that He is God. To know it with all my heart, soul, and mind. That He is the one in control, and all I have to do is trust Him. All I have to do is lift my weary countenance to His endlessly loving Presence, and remember who He is and what He has done for me.

Remember that I did not save myself. That I never can save myself.

When we truly enter His rest, there is no more striving. There is no more fear, doubt, or shame. There is nothing but me and Him- and His perfect peace.

When you really see Jesus, I defy you to doubt Him. If you see Him when He says, “Let not your heart be troubled…” (John 14:27), I defy you to worry. It is virtually impossible to doubt when He is there. Every time you are in personal contact with Jesus, His words are real to you. “My peace I give to you…” (John 14:27)- a peace which brings an unconstrained confidence and covers you completely, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. “…your life is hidden with Christ in God,” and the peace of Jesus Christ that cannot be disturbed has been imparted to you.

~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest 

Let’s allow our hearts to fully enter that rest; to be fully embraced by a perfect and loving God who has the very best intentions for us. One who cannot fail us or let us down. One who will always remain the same, unchanging in His unconditional love for us. Why wouldn’t we trust such a One? Why wouldn’t surrender our lives to Him?

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

~John 3:16-17

He is worthy. I am not, but I rest in the One who is. And that is my hope in this season- in every season. I only pray I can grow more and more in the knowledge of His love and goodness; that He would so fill me with Himself that I can be free from fear and doubt for the rest of my time in this world, and walk in His perfect peace.

I think Peter Pan understood this when he said:

All you need is a little faith, trust, and pixie dust!

thoughts

living faith

alyssapebbles

As God brings me into yet another new season of my life with Him (or rather a continuation of what He began in me 5 months ago), I am humbled.

I am in awe of how real and true He really is.

I am in awe of how when we actually trust Him and obey what He is calling us to do, He changes something inside of us, and gives us a strength we never knew we had access to.

A simple and yet impossibly difficult choice to give Him something I so deeply loved and desired has led me to a new place of freedom and hope in Him. He has given me a peace that surpasses understanding and a renewed assurance of His good plan for my life. He has drawn close in sweet intimacy as I have let go of my own will and decided to choose His.

I am free.

I feel a greater purpose, a greater urgency to know Him and to have others know Him. I feel His Spirit pulsating through me and leading me into deeper waters; taking me to places that I haven’t known and are unfamiliar to me- places I wouldn’t have dared to go before now. But He has done something in me to make me more willing, created an even deeper longing and hunger for truth and righteousness in me. Maybe He does this when we finally let go of ourselves. And maybe this is exactly what we’ve always wanted, and we just weren’t able to see it until we decided to trust Him.

I can’t explain His ways, or why He moves the way He does, but I know that the longings He has put in my heart are meant to be fulfilled in Him alone. I know that He is my ultimate satisfaction, my heart’s deepest desire and strongest need. I know that He is bringing me into deeper dependence on Him every hour of every day, and that I cannot spend any time apart from Him anymore. The stakes are too high; living for myself is no longer enough.

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

~Matthew 6:13-14

I want to go through the narrow gate- to walk the only path that leads to life. This past year has been a pruning process, but the growth has been unmistakable. I can only move forward with Him, as He will continue to prune me until everything in my life is conformed to His will- every thought, feeling, desire, and action. He is patient with us, and will allow us to go our own way at times to show us that is not the way we really want to go. I now see that His way is the only way.

In my pursuit of holiness, I will not forget His grace and kindness. I will not forget how much He loves me, because without love nothing else matters. He is Love Himself- a consuming fire that will never leave us where we are in His reckless pursuit of our souls. His love is what enables me to walk on the path; I cannot do it on my own. His love is what keeps me.

I am so grateful to learn these things now; to learn what it really means to let Him into every part of my life. He is saving me from so much unnecessary pain down the road, and developing me into a person He can actually use here and now, in the relationships that I have and the communities that I am a part of. He is doing all of this work in me so His light can shine through me and give others Hope. This work that can only be done when we lay down our lives before Him and let Him have His way, no matter what it costs us- and eventually it will cost us everything. We cannot have Him while we are still holding onto ourselves.

For now, I am content to continue giving Him the little things every day; the little rebellious parts of my heart that are still clinging to the world and to myself. I know that every little sacrifice to Him makes Him glad, and every time I posture my heart back to Him I am more free.

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

~Psalm 59:16

thoughts

delight

alyssapebbles

Delight in the Lord

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4

We become so bogged down by our “burdens” at times, we forget that the Father actually intends for us to have peace, joy, and life. There are indeed times for suffering and waiting patiently on Him, but there are also times when that suffering is self-inflicted and unnecessary. We keep ourselves from Him in the name of religion and asceticism, thinking that we are somehow honoring Him in our grumbling.

I love how He reminds us to delight in Him- how it’s actually a delight to be with Him and spend time with Him; to get to know Him as a friend and companion on this crazy journey of life. We find joy in the relationship with Him- it’s as simple as that. He is a relief from the chaos and madness of our lives. It’s like being with your best friend, who loves you despite all your ridiculousness and faults. He’s warm and caring, friendly and personable. He has a sense of humor, and He allows us to see ourselves clearly in a gentle and loving way, without any fear, shame, or embarrassment- just as a good friend does. He’s a fresh breath of air in a suffocating world. And He wants us to rejoice– He wants us to be so filled with joy we are overflowing; to laugh, to sing, to dance, and to play in this world that He has created for us! Creativity flows from a joyful heart, so He must have been joyful when He created the world, therefore we must be joyful. And joy only comes when we relax and let down our guards; the walls and defense mechanisms that keep us tightly wound.

Why do we act as though He is cold and distant, instead of near and close? We go about our lives as though He’s disinterested or disapproving, as though we constantly have to prove ourselves to Him and those around us. Of course we are drained and exhausted; of course our joy is gone- living in constant striving kills the soul. Yet that feels so much more natural to us than resting in His love and friendship. We can’t believe He could even possibly like us the way we are, let alone enjoy us. We tell ourselves we can have joy once we’ve earned it- we can have the good life when we deserve it. We don’t accept the gift of His Spirit right here and now, because we don’t feel we are ready to walk with Him; we are not qualified yet. We must prove ourselves righteous before we are “holy” enough to live the life He wants for us.

But this is the reverse of how it works with God. It actually starts with Him.

If we live our lives in constant anticipation of the day when we are finally good enough, we never will be. We have to recognize that day is here, the time is now. There is no prerequisite to being with Him; we can go to Him at any time, in any place, and He welcomes us with open arms. That is always the first step to growth and change. We have to stop trying to circumnavigate this key piece of our transformation- without Him we are hopeless. But once we do turn back to Him, in an instant everything changes and He gives us everything we need to move forward.

He’s as close to us as our very breath, as palpable as the warm embrace of someone you love. He’s real, He’s here, all around us and in us. He’s not far. And His heart for us is good.

It’s so easy to lose sight of who He is, and once we forget, we can no longer experience peace. We can’t be fully free and joyful until we know and are convinced of His realness, His goodness, His absolutely unconditional love for us.

IMG_8499.JPG.jpeg

When all seems lost, I’m found in Him. When I’m broken and afraid, He lifts me up and replaces my crippling fear with His perfect love. He doesn’t require anything of me other than my entire being, surrendered to Him, which is the easiest thing in the world when I love Him the most. But it’s the hardest thing when other things of the world have my attention and hope. He keeps on pursuing me, regardless of if I pursue Him or not. He keeps reaching into my heart, digging around and excavating until He finds something responsive to His touch, something true and pure. And He grows that in me until it so fills me until there is no more room for the old impurities. They have no place in my heart anymore, once He has so filled me.

He’s not shy and He’s not restrained. He’ll do anything to get to me- He’s a jealous God who won’t stand for anything or anyone other than Him vying for my attention and heart.

When we find this place of joy in Him, nothing can stop us- His purposes cannot be constrained. We are no longer self-conscious or limited by our own assessment of ourselves and our capabilities. He surpasses our expectations and those things we never thought we could do, desires of our hearts we never thought we could have, now become possible. When we believe He really is who He says He is, nothing is impossible.

Following God is not a chore or a burden; it is the most life-giving pursuit one can ever give himself to. I am overwhelmed when I remember (when He reminds me) of the privilege of this call on our lives- how it demands all of us but it is the most fulfilling life we could ever dream of. With great privilege comes great responsibility, but there’s no greater motivation than a loving and giving Father who brings us to our very best. A Father who delights in us and is pleased with us, so that we may find endless pleasure and satisfaction in Him.

Nothing makes my heart happier than Him, and nothing ever will. It’s what I was made for, and I’m not ashamed to delight in Him.

 

Uncategorized

discouragement

alyssapebbles

I think one of the main (and most effective) ways the enemy tries to attack us is through discouragement.

If he can make us lose our hope, he can steal our joy. If he can steal our joy, he can make us question and doubt everything that God is trying to do in our lives. We stop believing that there is a purpose and reason for the trials we are going through, and simply begin to think we are experiencing meaningless suffering.

The seeds of bitterness are planted.

Once our joy is stolen, life becomes drudgery. We become exhausted with our daily lives and can’t seem to find the refreshment our soul is looking for. We feel scattered and burnt out…lost. What is all of this pointing toward?

We begin to become cynical, focusing on all of the negative things, the things that could go wrong. We let worries and fears creep in and have their way in us, wearing out our already tired souls.

We are exhausted…

What if there is another way?

What if there is a way to find joy again, to have hope restored?

What if all of these challenges that feel defeating are actually strengthening you, and you didn’t even realize it?

That you’re actually stronger than you know, because you are held by a greater Strength?

When you feel down and lost and forgotten and ashamed, there is One who knows your name. There is One who ushers you deeper into His presence and gives your soul rest. His love for you is more exquisite than you would dare to imagine, and when you think you can’t go on any longer, He’s the One who will carry you.

You have to stop trying so hard to figure it all out.

My verse always remains the same, the one He’s spoken to me since the beginning:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. 

I’m not forgotten. I’m right in the middle of His will.

My mentor describes the times when we feel like we are in a fog as the times when God is actually the closest and most active. We can’t see anything around us and we are confused; we don’t understand what is happening or why. It seems chaotic and empty at the same time.

But as soon as we step out and look back, we can see what He was doing. It becomes clear as the fog lifts.

What if we learned to have the eyes of faith in the midst of what we can’t see? To trust God instead of our circumstances- to rest in His promises and know that all is well despite our very real and tangible struggles. To live in this world but not of it…so that we remember we are set apart and sacred, that nothing unclean can really touch or claim us at all.

My feelings will always betray me, but Christ remains constant and steady. I never have to be overtaken by the spirit of discouragement, because God is redeeming all things to Himself. While my circumstances change, His Word remains true. I don’t have to give in to despair.

I’m walking a new way.

 

Uncategorized

possibility

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With the new year just ahead of us, the potential for new beginnings are fresh on all of our minds and hearts. We love the idea of possibility– the notion that anything can happen. It is a liberating feeling, and yet, at the same time, it is just that- a feeling.

As someone who constantly looks to new things, new opportunities, to fulfill me in ways that only God can, the new year brings me a different sort of hope. It brings me a hope for the possibility of healing, the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness. The possibility of growing closer to God than I ever have before, and trusting Him to direct my life in radical ways.

The new year, for me, is about a new beginning with God. It is about letting go of my old self and embracing the new creation that I am in Him. Sure, He started the process long ago, but I know in this new year He will continue it in a new way. 

He is always showing up in new ways:

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

~Isaiah 43:19

We become stagnant in our faith when we forget that what He offers us is never the same, that it is so much more exciting than we ever dared dream. We become stagnant when we aren’t ready to say yes to Him in bigger ways- not when we become bored with our faith. Stagnation is a failure to risk more for His sake. If we are not swimming upstream with Him, we will only make backwards progress.

When we become comfortable in our lives and don’t see a need to change, there is a problem. Walking with Jesus is a dynamic, ever-changing experience and the further we go with Him, the more we realize how much farther we have to go. We see the possibility of all we can become in Him, and that fills us with joy and determination to press on:

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

~Philippians 3:14-16 The Message

He is our inspiration- our Muse for all of our future endeavors. We know that with Him, anything IS possible, but only with Him. Not on our own terms.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:13

This new year does hold more possibility for me than I have ever known. But I know that if I cling to that possibility instead of to Christ, the road will lead nowhere. However, if I allow Him to be a part of my hopes and dreams and invite Him into all that comes next, there is no way I will fail.

Put your hope in Christ, for with Him all things are possible.

Uncategorized

the good and giving father

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Sometimes it is so hard to believe that God truly wants to bless us- that He is good and faithful and trustworthy and never desires bad things for us. Yes, He sometimes allows us to suffer for growing purposes, but that is never His ultimate goal for us.

He wants to give us good things.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

~James 1:17

I think many of us have been trained up in this guilt-complex (whether inflicted by the church, authoritative and demanding parents, or self-inflicted) where we can’t accept the blessings that God truly wants to give us because we believe we don’t deserve them. And it’s true- we don’t deserve them, yet we need to learn to freely accept them.

In this continuing tumultuous and uncertain stage of my life, God has reached out His hand and given me an opportunity which feels too good to be true. It feels like something I don’t deserve. I am attacked right and left with my mistakes, failures, and shame as reasons that I can’t accept these blessings and instead must pay for my deeds (a.k.a. live in punishment and mourning until I have, so to speak, “earned my keep.”) Truly this is what the enemy tells me.

Yet God’s voice is still there. He is still with me. He still has hope for me and still wants to fulfill His promises to me. How can it be? How can He know my deepest insecurities, shame, and sin, and still want to be with me, or even near me?

I know the depravity of my own soul. Sometimes the weight of the shame I carry feels so incredibly heavy. It feels like my duty to carry it- the weight of my sin. But so much of this weight I was never meant to carry- once we confess our sins and repent to our Father, we are free to no longer be burdened by those things. But sometimes I choose to continue living under that burden, for no reason other than in some twisted way I think I am honoring Him in my groveling. My mom calls it false humility. It could also be defined as wallowing…

But He doesn’t want us to wallow. We are not meant to live in a constant cycle of attacking ourselves and feeling inadequate- feeling like we’ll never amount to anything or that our future is hopeless. It’s simply not: but it is if we don’t cling to Him.

However, once we have chosen to align our hearts, minds, and wills with His, we are free. We can seriously step into that freedom the moment, the very second, we turn back to Him. It’s absolutely unbelievable, and explains why it is so hard for us to grasp this freedom. It really seems too good to be true…that’s why it’s the good news! We have to claim it.

Part of that freedom involves freely receiving- allowing Him to give us the good things He wants to without questioning Him. As long as our hearts are more in love with Him than anything or anyone else, we can stop being afraid and expecting the worst in every situation, or believing that we are going to screw things up all the time.

S.J. Hill, in his book Enjoying God, writes a chapter on happiness, and how happiness and holiness are not opposites but in fact synonymous when we find our complete happiness, satisfaction, and joy in Him. He writes:

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. In other words, the greatest way we can glorify the Father is by enjoying Him and finding our ultimate happiness in Him.

Like, He actually wants us to be happy! He doesn’t punish us for our sins- that’s why He sent His son to die. How much it hurts His heart when He sees us acting as if that didn’t happen, as if He didn’t offer that ultimate sacrifice for us. That’s what we are doing when we walk around in perpetual shame- acting as if His grace and forgiveness don’t exist and He is not a good father who loves and forgives us, who sets us free.

Stop breaking His heart. He loves you so much, and nothing you can do or will do will ever separate you from that love. Allow Him to bless you.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution of famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8:31-39 (emphasis added)

Please take hold of these promises. He is so faithful and trustworthy through every season, even the darkest ones. Let Him hold you close and fill you up in the deepest way so you can finally let go of everything holding you back and step into the life for which you were created.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!

~2 Corinthians 7:9

Our future and hope is found in Him. We do not have to settle for a less-than life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”

~Jeremiah 29:11-14 (emphasis added)

Be encouraged. This is our calling: to live the abundant life and bear fruit.

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waiting

alyssapebbles

Patience is very difficult for me. I love to jump on exciting opportunities when they come my way, like an eager child waiting to open the first gift on Christmas morning. My heart can barely stand to wait.

Because of this tendency, I have found myself in some very challenging, and sometimes even dangerous, circumstances. My excitement can lead to impulsivity, which can end in disaster. The delay of gratification is such an important concept in psychology that they found in studies where little children were told they would get a second marshmallow if they waited to eat the first one, those children who waited were exponentially more likely to succeed in life: career, family, overall happiness. This is a powerful study, and convicts me right down to my bones.

While I have learned so much through the decisions I’ve made, I think through it all God has been whispering to me to slow down. Instead of rushing into decisions out of fear, He desires for us to wait on Him- not passively, but actively seeking His guidance and wisdom in all that we do before making those decisions- especially the big life ones.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

Changes in circumstances will never fix us. I read this appropriate passage in my devotional this morning:

God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you. Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, “I’m going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.” All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don’t ever have to think they are unnatural or unique. Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them. ~Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest)

I can either look at my experiences and circumstances as stumbling blocks and be constantly looking for ways to make things better for myself, or I can see how He is using all of these situations to form what matters most: my character. Everything is fleeting but our hearts.

As I enter into this next uncertain season of my life, I know it will be a season that requires patience and actively waiting upon the Lord. As much as I desire to know exactly what’s next, I don’t- and that’s scary. This is the first time in my life I have ever not known. I am in the in-between, and it is tempting to despair. But God promises me hope and a future in Him:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

He is faithful and will not let us down. In times and uncertainty, fear, and hopelessness, we can be certain of His unfailing providence. Even when I don’t trust myself or find myself in the darkest of places, I know I can trust Him to bring me through. Even when I feel like a failure, He will not fail me. The process that we are undergoing is a lifelong process of transformation, and this. takes. time.

This takes patience and perseverance in the waiting.