Month: April 2021

thoughts

the best is yet to come

alyssapebbles

My husband and I have been apartment shopping. We want to move closer to his work and want an extra bedroom for our beloved little babe. I check Zillow every morning to peruse the new listings for June, and this morning I saw the perfect. one.

It was in our budget, close to Mitch’s work, and even has a waterfront view with a little garden. I immediately started envisioning our little family within those walls, me playing with the baby on the floor in the living room with a cup of coffee in hand while looking out through the floor-to-ceiling windows over the lagoon. It was a peaceful and perfect scenario in my head.

So of course, I reached out instantly in every way possible to the owner, doing some serious digging to find his email address and phone number which were not immediately apparent on Zillow. I requested a tour for Saturday and could feel the hope rising in my chest.

And then the owner got back to me and told me it’s no longer available. My heart sunk. I felt way too devastated, and mad at myself for getting so hopeful in the first place. Mind you, this was after a conversation with my husband in which he chastised me for getting my hopes up too high about things and I rebuked him right back for being too cynical.

Turns out, he was right (and he loved hearing me say that). I do get my hopes up way too high for things. I always have– I am a dreamer. As soon as I set my sights on something I want, I don’t let go. And the inevitable consequence when things don’t work out is a crushed spirit and anger at myself for knowing better.

I realize it is about control. It is about me thinking that I know what’s best for my life. If I had only seen the listing four days ago… I think. But that game in my head is not worth playing, as my husband points out. “If I had only” statements lead to a whole lot of doubting and very little trusting. They are not faith-building statements.

What we see as missed opportunities, God wants us to see as opportunities to trust Him for something better.

“If I had only” statements will drive us absolutely crazy and undermine our whole journey if let them. What we see as missed opportunities, God wants us to see as opportunities to trust Him for something better. He closed this door, so He must have a better one that He wants to open. I know that sounds cliché and like feel-good Christian babble, but I do believe it’s true. I have to believe it’s true, or those if-onlys will eat me alive.

When I look back on my life, God has been nothing but faithful in similar circumstances. When the man I thought I was going to marry and I broke up, I met my husband. When I didn’t get the job I thought would be perfect for me, He gave me a better one. He has always used rejection and disappointment not only to grow my character but to enable me to see what I truly need instead of what I want. But it only comes with hindsight. And that’s not to say that things always work out in the end–there are still a myriad of unfinished stories and questions of how He’s going to provide in my life. But historically He has, so I can trust that He will continue to.

Whatever disappointment or rejection you are facing, try to let it go and move on (after properly grieving it of course–there is nothing wrong with that). Trust that God has more and better for you up ahead, even though you can’t see it right now.

At the risk of sounding totally cliché and upsetting some people by using this verse perhaps out of context, I still think it’s relevant and a lovely reminder when disappointment rears its ugly head:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

*Addendum: the day after I wrote this post, my mom found us a beautiful apartment complex in that same area by the water. We jumped on one of the available units that was miraculously in our price range and got it. It’s available sooner than the other one and and even has an extra bathroom. God is good.

Uncategorized

qualified (part II)

alyssapebbles

It’s funny how God chooses things for our lives we never planned on. And all of a sudden we are asked to step into roles we never thought we would be stepping into, or at least not at this moment in time.

For me right now, that’s motherhood.

This was not our plan. My husband and I didn’t want kids until years down the road (my husband admittedly a few years more than me). We wanted to have our first blissful honeymoon years of marriage together, just the two of us. We wanted to be financially stable with a dog and a house and a yard before a little screaming baby came along. We had our goals and our visions and our ideas about what this whole thing was supposed to look like.

And then, four months into marriage, I was three days late. And I thought it was no big deal until my little app told me it was time to take a pregnancy test. So first thing on that cool November morning I slipped out of our apartment to run to Safeway and ask an uncomfortable teenager grab me the First Response test out of the locked cabinet.

You can probably imagine how the story goes from there. We were shocked. We didn’t know how to handle the news– we both felt a mixture of devastation and joy (the latter more so for me than him). We had just begun to reach a comfortable rhythm in our new marriage, and now this was going to throw everything off.

We were not ready for a kid. I was not ready for a kid.

We headed up to my husband’s parents house later that morning to do early Thanksgiving with them. We were freaking out. We decided not to tell them yet, since we still couldn’t even really process what was happening. The last time we had seen his parents we told them I was going to start grad school. They asked me questions about grad school and I played along, even though both my husband and I knew this was not an option anymore. Not now.

The weekend was a blur. In fact, the past six months have been a blur. There have been so many painful and joyful moments in the process of growing a baby, but throughout this pregnancy, one lingering question permeates my thoughts: will I be a good mother?

Who am I to raise a child? Who I am to take on this enormous responsibility of raising a human being?

We don’t have the dog yet, so I don’t even know my skills in dog-momming. We skipped straight to what feels like the highest stakes, and while I am assured that God is going to take care of us and we’ll be okay, the doubts can still creep in. And I start to wonder if I’m qualified for this huge responsibility (and blessing) He’s giving me.

What if my health issues get in the way of my mothering? What if I get postpartum depression and can’t take care of him? What if he has emotional or cognitive problems? What if… what if… what if?!

But WHAT IF God is good? What if He is trustworthy and He knows what He is doing? What if what I see as an accident was His perfect plan for my life all along? What if the plan we had concocted for us would not have been nearly as rewarding and fulfilling as His plan for us?

God didn’t ask our permission to give us this child. But He has sustained this baby boy for the past six months in a way that I can only attribute to Him. Despite all the odds against him with my health issues, he has been growing steadily and fearlessly. He truly is a little miracle. If God has taken care of my baby this well so far, I know I have nothing to worry about on the other side of the womb.

No amount of books, parenting classes, or high-end baby products will make me a good mother. I will be a good mother because God has chosen me to be a mother. He qualifies me, and if I cling to Him, He will sustain me throughout motherhood. I know I will have a million and one moments where I have absolutely no idea what to do, but in those moments I know I can rely on Him for help and trust that it’s okay to not know.

Whatever you feel unqualified in– a job, a sport, a relationship– know that if you are in that role, then you are qualified. It is not a mistake. You were given a responsibility and you can either always feel like you’re not good enough and undeserving of it, or you can trust that you are where you are supposed to be and live fully into it. You will not be perfect and you will make many mistakes, but that doesn’t disqualify you.

There will be many times in life we have to step into shoes we don’t feel big enough to fill. And those are the best moments of faith–do we trust God enough to help us fill them? These are the opportunities to learn what we are truly capable of and who we might become. But if we back away out of fear we will never see all that potential come to fruition.

I’m not ready to be a mother, but this baby needs me to be. And there are people in your life who need you to step up in your role, whether or not you feel ready. You will be amazed what God will do when you just say yes.

health

perspective: my health journey

alyssapebbles

I was learning a lot last week about telling my hard story, courtesy of the hope*writers community. It seems that God was trying to teach me something as I was in the middle of mine. And I was going to do a post this week in the midst of my crisis documenting its miseries, but I felt the prompting of the Lord and my fellow storytellers to wait. While these past few days have finally provided relief from the constant discomfort that my longstanding health issues cause me, I know I’m not fully through this thing (or if I ever will be)–and that’s okay. I can still write about it, but I’ll have you know that I’m nowhere near the finish line.

A bit of background– I was diagnosed with Hashimotos hypothyroidism and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in college after a severe depression and out-of-control, painful cystic acne that exploded all over my face. This was only the beginning of a long and winding journey of health problems.

I made it through college relatively unscathed once I got on the right dosage of medication for my thyroid. But then I unwittingly moved into a moldy apartment in the winter of 2018. That introduced a whole new host of problems that I was especially vulnerable to due to my autoimmune condition. I developed chronic sinus pressure and inflammation, as well as leaky gut, later diagnosed as small intestine bacterial overgrowth (SIBO).

I’ll be honest with you–the combination of these issues has been utterly defeating these past couple of years. I’ve never had so much sympathy for chronic pain sufferers because waking up every day with your sinuses swelled up and having to be careful about every single thing you eat to make sure it doesn’t cause immense pain and discomfort is not a fun thing.

I’ve played the victim, I’ve tried to be strong, I’ve given up and I’ve decided to keep pushing forward. I wonder if I’ll ever get better or if these are things I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. The hopelessness that sometimes overcomes me is unbearable. These health conditions have given me some of the worst days of my life, but also some of the best. And I realize it’s all a matter of my perspective.

I wouldn’t have chosen this story. I honestly would have chosen so many other forms of suffering besides this. But this is the story God has chosen for me, and I get to decide whether I trust Him with it or not. Sadly, most days I don’t. Most days I feel defeated and even ashamed for not being able to keep my health under control–as if it’s all my fault. I look at other healthy young people (I’m only 25!) and I envy their youthfulness and vigor for life. My health problems have aged me. Often I feel weak and frail.

But every day I have this choice: to listen to what God is trying to teach me through this. To allow Him to be with me in this, and to trust that He is working it for my good. To truly, truly believe that. And I’ve already seen beautiful things come of this– a passion for health and wellness, a job in naturopathic medicine that I never would have landed if I wasn’t intimately familiar with the industry due to my issues, and amazing new friends who are also going through hard diseases.

I believe God is going to heal me, but I also believe I will be okay if He doesn’t. I am finally learning what it looks like to let Him be enough for me. Yes, I want perfect health and a fully functional body. Yes, I want to feel normal and be able to do and eat things that normal people do and eat. But He is taking me to a new level of faith where my trust in Him is not dependent on my health. Health will come and go, but He always remains the same, and He is always for me. He knows my desire to be well, but He knows what is more important than physical wellness.

So as I continue in this health journey I want to remember that it is not about me. I want it to make me a stronger human who can give better to other humans who are suffering. That is the purpose of our suffering, my friends. It is not meaningless or hopeless, but we have to be able to look beyond ourselves. I recently heard a quote that went along the lines of this: pain is self-consuming. And how true that is. When we are in pain, we understandably cannot notice anything but that pain–it demands our attention. But if we can learn to look beyond our own pain at the pain of others, we will find meaning in our own.

I want my story to bring healing to others, just as others’ stories have brought me healing. God doesn’t allow these seemingly random sufferings into our lives because He is cruel or testing our faith. No friends, He allows us to go through these things so we can be lights for others. We must be broken before we can be molded to His purposes. It is the only way.

Whatever battle you are facing right now, be it mental, physical, relational, or spiritual, know that God is with you in it and He will bring you to the other side of it, even if the other side is not what you envision. My health issues continue, but my ability to handle them and my faith have grown stronger. The point is not to be fully healed or fixed, but rather to become a more whole person.

I know there will be more days of suffering ahead, but I also know I will be able to face them courageously.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

thoughts

life to the full

alyssapebbles

In this hopeful and beautiful time of year, when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the new life we have in Him, I can’t help but still feel broken. And not entirely like a new creation yet.

I wanted to do a post on the promise of Easter and the hope of spring using flowery and colorful language, but I’ll be honest: this past week has not been filled with hope for me. Instead it’s been filled with anxiety, doubt, health problems, and a keen sense of defeat.

I don’t feel the victory. I don’t feel the promise.

But the good news is: it doesn’t matter what I feel. It matters what He did.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

He came so that we could have life to the full.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I am fully living. I feel like I give myself so many excuses not to live fully– my health issues, my fear of the future, lack of money, lack of opportunities… etc. But if I’m not living fully now, will I ever? If I don’t learn how to accept my circumstances as they are and trust that Jesus is with me in all of this, how will I ever be able to do that when things get harder, which they inevitably will?

I have been so convicted by my own attitude. By my own willingness to throw in the towel when life gets hard. I read stories of others who have gone through so much worse than me, and yet instead of encouraging me, these stories only add to my guilt.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be rejoicing and grateful for what I DO have.

But it’s like a disease- the disease of discontentment.

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to grieve and lament your hard circumstances. In fact, I’m saying the exact opposite- grieving before God is the only way to move through them. We are going through Lamentations at my church, hearing about the incredible grief Jeremiah endured and how he cried out before God. That was godly, and that was good.

I’m saying that we have to trust God in our circumstances, ESPECIALLY when they are difficult. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we trust God when everything is going our way. Only when the trials come do we find out what our faith is really made of. And I’m finding out, once again, that mine is rather flimsy, and very much based on feelings.

Maybe the key to the abundant, full life is not things going perfectly. Maybe it’s living fully where we are, despite how we feel. And trusting that God is going to use all of these hard things for our good. And maybe we need to stop looking around at everyone else and thinking that they are living perfect lives, because that only compounds our own sorrow.

What if we are all struggling? What if there are secret pains and sorrows that we all carry, and yet we portray our lives on social media as if we we weren’t? I know I’m guilty of this. And it’s not wrong to post the good things, but watch what you allow your mind, and your heart, to consume. As I’ve allowed myself back onto social media, I’ve seen the ill effects on my mind again. I don’t even think we realize how much we’re influenced, how comparison is so engrained into our beings.

My life doesn’t look as good as hers, so therefore I am lacking. I am less than, inferior, a mess.

That’s my own inner dialogue, but it’s not what God is speaking to me. But if I don’t take the time to listen and work through my pain with Him, this is what I turn to. This is the easy fix and escape- although it’s not really an escape at all but rather a trap. And I find myself falling into it again, and again, and again.

I don’t think the answer is get rid of social media, but rather to use it wisely. To use it to connect with others, but never, ever, to compare. I have one life to live and living it fully looks different than it does for anyone else. We each are unique and have a subsequently unique story to live.

So, if you are struggling this Easter to feel the joy of what Jesus has done for you and feel like you may be too broken to fix, remember this: nothing in your life is accidental, and you are still invited to the full life right now, in the midst of it all. Though you can’t see it right now, He is working all things for your good, and if you partner with Him in it instead of resisting and questioning and doubting Him, you will see beautiful fruit. I’m in this with you. Life is hard and it probably won’t get easier, but we can let it change us for the better. We can let Him change us for the better. All He asks for is our willingness to trust Him.