Month: March 2021

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being the branch

alyssapebbles

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

John 15:4-5

I recently had a chat with my good friend who also happens to be an artist, and I asked her how she sits down and draws all. day. long. She has been faithfully working on her portfolio, drawing and re-drawing the same portraits over and over again. She turns in her work to her mentor, who tells her to keep re-doing it until it is just right. And I am amazed at how she has the stamina to keep going, to keep doing the tedious, unseen work each and every day when there is no immediate reward in sight.

She tells me she does it with God. She invites Him in, and He does it with her, through her. She prays her way through it. When she gets discouraged or stuck she allows Him to help her.

Apart from me you can do nothing.

I can’t stop thinking about that. Here I am, trying to pursue a calling He has put on my heart and gifted me accordingly to do, and I am trying to do it all in my own strength. No wonder I get overwhelmed. No wonder I run out of ideas. No wonder I feel like I have nothing to contribute… because I don’t, at least not in myself. Without Him I have nothing- I come up empty.

The bells go off in my head when my friend tells me where her inspiration comes from. Of course! Of course it has to start with Him! How could I forget that?

I think of my best work (as a writer, a singer, a friend…) and it always comes from a place of deep abiding with the Lord. My best words flow from communion with Him. My most inspired moments are the fruit of constant communication with my Father. He is the life source, the creative source. If He created me, how could I create anything without Him? If I’m not abiding in Him, how can I offer anything to others?

If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.

John 15:6

I don’t want to be a dead, burnt branch. I don’t want to try to produce anything on my own. I can’t produce anything on my own, or at least anything of worth. I want everything that comes out of me to be a result of my life with God. It is my responsibility:

Of this gospel I was made a minister according to the gift of God’s grace, which was given me by the working of his power. To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God, who created all things, so that through the church the manifold wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places.

Ephesians 3:7-10

If my motive is anything less than to spread His love and hope than I am missing the calling. If it is about me or my own glory, I am missing it. God takes all the credit and all the blame for the fruit He produces through me- I am only his instrument, his vessel.

As I peek into the world of writing and publishing, I can see how easy it is to get distracted and forget why you are doing what you are doing. I can see how you might get lost in platform building and social media and comparison and feel drowned out in a sea of people who are all trying to do the same thing and get noticed.

I can see how easy it is to lose focus. To forget that the words on the page are not the source, but rather the result of a life lived seeking the kingdom first. That the words shared are words earned by faithful living, not haphazardly and desperately written words to impress.

I don’t know where God is leading me with this. But I know that He is good and He is for me, and He wants to use me in any way that I am willing. And I know that He has gifted me with words, not to build myself up, but for the purpose of building up others and His kingdom. So as I continue down this path, I pray that He would continually remind me I am only the branch, and not the vine. And thank goodness for that!

I pray this knowledge would keep my heart humble and ready for the fruit He wants to produce through me, which is so much plumper and sweeter than I could ever imagine.

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momentum: moving forward imperfectly

alyssapebbles

These past few weeks as I’ve transitioned out of full time work into unemployment and the days feel a lot longer I find myself feeling… stuck.

There’s something to be said about motion. They say a body in motion stays in motion. And how true I’m beginning to find this. When I was working at the health clinic, I had a regular rhythm to my days- a routine that kept me in motion and kept me productive. And while I longed for more freedom and time to shape my days how I wanted to, I’m now seeing the benefit of the structure I had.

Turns out, I’m terrible at creating that structure for myself. Turns out having a 9-5 schedule, although soul-killing at times, might have had more value than I realized.

Now that I’m fully in charge of my own schedule, it’s hard not to get a bit overwhelmed and paralyzed by all the possibilities of how I can use my time. Should I wake up early and read and pray? Should I sleep in? Should I spend an hour reading or three hours? An abundance of time can lead to an abundance of doubts.

How do I honor God with all of this?

I find myself constantly questioning how I’m spending the hours, and then I end up not doing much at all because I’m too afraid of doing the wrong thing.

I say I want to be a writer. And the only way to become a writer is to sit down and write. But now that I have all the time to do that, I’m noticing that the kitchen is dirty. And the laundry needs to be done. And there are a billion other things that need my attention that I deem “more important.” And it’s easy to push my dream to the side, telling myself that it’s a silly dream anyway. Who do I think I am? The bills need to be paid. I need a real job, with real income…

And those are the whispers from the enemy that haunt me throughout my days. So before I’ve even begun to sit down and get words on a page, I feel defeated. Before I’ve even begun to look through freelance jobs or read other people’s work that should inspire me, I feel less than. I feel unworthy and not good enough. And I wonder what I’m doing, and how I became such a failure.

And yet.

What if this the enemy’s tactic? What if this is how he stops us from doing meaningful things- by defeating us before we even get started? By planting seeds of doubt, fear, and comparison in our mind so we are already sabotaged? Maybe these dreams and visions we have inside of us truly are from God and truly would make a difference in others’ lives, and the enemy knows this so he fights hard against our momentum? Tries to destroy us with his lies so we can’t make the progress we are destined to make?

When I stop acquiesing to these accusations in my mind and start listening to what God is saying, something shifts. I remember who I am and that I am already loved and enough. I feel like I can take the next step- like maybe that’s all I really need to do. Maybe I don’t need to do everything all at once and become an overnight success, like our culture seems encourage and applaud. Maybe I can just take that one next step towards my goals and dreams:

Write the blog post

Reach out to the friend

Do the workout

Maybe our lives are just a series of steps, taken one at a time, until we get to where we are supposed to be. Maybe all those people we admire that seem to have it all together and started a foundation and five successful businesses and have a thriving family got where they are by taking a series of small steps over time. It’s easy to feel like I’m the only one floundering when I’m looking at all the people who have “made it,” but when I remind myself that they started small too- that we all have to start small- I feel empowered. I feel like I can make it too.

But it takes discipline. And it takes courage. And it takes letting go of my own idea of what progress is- not a series of perfect steps up a straight staircase, but rather a long and winding staircase with many detours and obstacles along the way. Some days may not look like any steps are taken at all, or it may look like we are falling backwards down the staircase. But I think if I can trust that God is guiding me up this staircase and has carefully crafted its every twist and turn, I’ll be a lot more likely to continue going than if it all feels meaningless. Why climb the stairs if they’re not going anywhere?

If I can remember that each step holds incredible meaning and purpose of its own, I think I will not be so concerned about getting to the top. About the finished product. Because maybe that’s not what it’s about. It’s about who I’m becoming in the process.

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don’t buy into the lie

alyssapebbles

Yesterday my husband Mitch and I were walking around the reservoir by my parents’ house, enjoying the lovely surroundings and adorable dogs that are a staple of Lafayette. Nearly the whole three miles, I had my eyes on the woman about fifty paces ahead of us in her cute workout outfit, carrying a baby I couldn’t see in one of those body-wrap baby carriers. I watched and admired her, telling myself that that’s who I was going to be next year with my new baby boy: the cute, fit mom.

I was all caught up in my reverie until we came up behind a young family with two little girls. One of the girls was screaming her head off and being dragged begrudgingly by her worn-out father as she insisted they turn around (even though the end of the loop trail was so close, as her parents kept trying to calmly tell her). She wouldn’t stop screaming with a slightly demonic undertone, and I watched as every passerby gave the poor family the side-eye. I could feel the judgment oozing out of each one of them and was even tempted myself to blame those exhausted parents for their child’s misbehavior. 

We walked behind them for an agonizing few minutes, both sympathizing with the parents but also perturbed at the thought of our own child behaving this way. What if we can’t control our kid? What if he turns out to be a little nightmare? How do we ensure he is the perfect child? These were the anxious thoughts I’m sure were swimming around in both of our minds at that moment, as we exchanged slightly panicked looks. 

We finally passed the family and nearly had to cover our ears from the anguished cries of the little girl- and ended up catching up with the fit mom. 

“That’s a little scary, isn’t it?” she started as we fell into a synchronized pace. 

“Only slightly,” I sarcastically responded, surveying her beautiful, golden-curled, blue-eyed baby boy bouncing happily in his carrier. I compared and contrasted this scene to the one we just witnessed and wondered if God was trying to teach me something. 

We proceeded to have a conversation about babies and kids, and I told her we were expecting our first in July. She congratulated us and enthusiastically began to talk about a special “smart” bassinet that she was sure was the reason her baby has been able to sleep through the night. I was immediately entranced- was this the secret key to her perfect baby? I felt privy to an insider cool-mom club. All of a sudden I needed this bassinet. The bassinet was the key to keeping our baby from becoming like the screaming child we just passed. Maybe if I bought this bassinet, our baby would even have golden curls and bright blue eyes.

We parted ways and I immediately whipped out my phone to research the “Snoo.” I didn’t even have to read the reviews to be sold on it. It automatically rocks your baby when he gets fussy and even has a swaddling feature to keep him in place so he doesn’t roll over in the night. The cool mom obviously knew what she was talking about, and had a perfect baby boy to show for it. 

I showed it to Mitch and he said no. It’s $1400 and only meant for the first six months of life. But my heart felt so attached. And I started to think about why. 

Why do I think if I buy all the right things for my baby, I will be protected from normal parenting struggles? Why does the perfect registry seem like the key to the perfect baby? 

I have been inundated with so many new gadgets marketed towards the “modern mom” and baby. My Pinterest and Instagram feeds are saturated with pregnancy and baby products, and it’s all just a little overwhelming. There are too many options, and I’m terrified if I put the wrong items on my registry I’m going to completely screw up our kid. 

So I have to take a breath and a step back. And I have to remember that nothing I buy for my little one is going to make or break him. I have to remember that God cares more about preparing my heart than my house for this upcoming season of parenthood. 

And I think that this principle can be applied to any season you may be preparing for or currently in. We are bombarded by “stuff” that makes big claims to fix our lives. Or to turn us into the person we want to become. With all forms of media constantly at our fingertips comes all forms of advertising. And they’ve gotten more and more sneaky at knowing exactly what we want and marketing to that. 

You’ve seen the ads- the skin products that show up in your feed after complaining about your acne to a friend, the advertisement for online courses after researching going back to school… the internet is getting super creepy. 

So we have to be more disciplined than ever at deciding what we allow to take root in our minds. The constant barrage of false promises to fix our lives is not going to end anytime soon- in fact it will most likely get worse as media becomes more and more prevalent. We can believe every lie it tells us, or we can remember that we already have everything we need to be who we were made to be. 

Instead of focusing on what I need for my new baby right now (although I definitely do need some things!) I want to focus on what I need in my heart. I want to focus on what God is changing and molding in me to become the mother he wants me to be. More patience, more joy, more endurance… more love. Babies need plenty of things, but what they need the most from their mamas is the deep and abiding love of Christ. 

So, in these next few months, as I buy the things and prepare the room, I will also be preparing my heart. And I will invite God into the rooms of my heart that need to be swept clean and renovated before a baby moves in. And I pray that I won’t get so caught up in all the shiny things that I forget to sit with Him and let Him do the transforming work inside of me.

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creating the habit of creating

alyssapebbles

As I’ve been going through one of my favorite authors Hannah Brencher’s writing intensive that she puts out every winter, I’ve been challenged, encouraged, and inspired.

I’m actually believing I might have what it takes to make it.

It’s not complicated. It’s not an impossible goal to become a writer. It doesn’t take fancy tools or great moments of revelation and “magic,” as Hannah puts it. It just requires a certain amount of discipline and the habit of sitting my butt down in a chair (or the couch!) for a few hours a day and just. doing. it. Doing the work. Putting in the time. Getting words on the document.

I realize how silly I’ve been for putting this off for so long. Of course life was busy and there’s been demands on my time, but if I’m really honest with myself, I’ve always had the time. I’ve just lacked the discipline. And the reality is, it doesn’t even take very much.

Hearing Hannah’s process and reading about the great writers of history’s habits, I am realizing it is actually really simple. It does not even take copious amounts of talent. It just takes time and effort, as with everything good and worthwhile. We always want the quick fix, the quick success, the thing that will make us great instantaneously. But that doesn’t exist, and we will waste so much mental energy trying to find it or believing that it does. We always want to find the easiest, least-resistant path to what we desire, but there is no true reward in that.

Hannah tells a story of when she finally finished her first book, and the quiet reassurance that surprised her in the place of what she thought would be a momentous and loud victory. It was the reassurance that all that time and effort she had poured into her work was worth it. It was the “slow magic” of building something lasting and sustainable. That struck me- in this time of instant gratification and Instagram likes and constant comparison, she could feel a deeper satisfaction that had nothing to do with anyone’s approval but God’s and her own. That’s the kind of success I want to seek, and it only comes with the slow and steady habit-building process over time.

As I continue in this journey, I hope to get more words on the page, and to be consistent about it. I hope to be someone who writes often, whether or not I want to. I want to be someone who doesn’t criticize and over-analyze everything I write to the point of paralyzation. I believe my words matter and I have something unique to offer the world through my writing.

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no time to waste

alyssapebbles

As I embark on yet another season of unemployment sooner than anticipated and still months away from my little one’s due date, I find in myself a yearning to make the most of this precious time. Not to put pressure on myself or feel guilty for not using every minute to it’s maximum potential, but rather to do what we are called as believers to do- to use our time well, because the time is short and this life is a vapor.

Making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

Ephesians 5:16-17

I know that God will not punish me for wasting time, and that sometimes using time well can even look like “wasting time.” I have found that a good nap can be an excellent use of time.

That being said, I know I have a tendency to make excuses for myself. Excuses about why now is not the “right time” to pursue something I know that I should. I’m not in the right mood. There’s more important things to do (like laundry!). I’m too tired. I don’t feel good.

The list goes on… and the things I know God is calling me to get put on the back burner over and over again. The things I’m truly passionate about. The things I love to do and was made to do. The kingdom-building things He’s put on my heart.

I wonder if we all stopped making excuses for ourselves and finally just did the thing?

So my intention in this next season is certainly to prepare for the arrival of our child (who is kicking me as we speak!), which will certainly keep me plenty busy, but also to finally sit down and write. And make music. And spend time with friends and read good books and clean the apartment!

And all of these things have weight and worth- none is more important than the other. The key is to do them when they need to be done, and not when I feel like it. God’s kingdom is at hand now, not sometime in the distant future when I’m ready for it. So I pray that I will learn how to hold myself accountable and use this gift of time he’s given me well.

Like the tattoo on my wrist that reads “steward,” I hope to embody this as I steward this beautiful gift of time.