June 2021 – rhythms of grace

lemonade

June 28, 2021June 25, 2021 alyssapebbles

I didn’t post last week because craziness of the best (but still overwhelming) kind ensued.

Long story short, God made beauty out of the ashes of our situation. He turned lemons into lemonade, as He tends to do. He always makes a way.

We were offered a nicer, cleaner apartment within our complex that gets afternoon sun, is in a quieter spot, and has an in-unit washer dryer: three BIG wins in my book. Best of all, there is no musty smell. They immediately put our previous apartment back on the market and I am praying that the next occupants don’t get sick. But I am so, so incredibly grateful to have a safe space for our baby that we wouldn’t have otherwise been able to afford had there not been mold in the last one.

I knew God was going to come through for us, and it’s amazing to see Him yet again provide for our every need. There is still so much to do before our sweet boy comes, but I finally feel able to settle and nest in our new space. I can finally breathe (both literally and figuratively).

This whole situation has reinforced to me that no matter what, we will be taken care of. As friends and family have gathered around us to support us in this time, I feel overwhelmed by His love and how little I can actually do on my own. And I have a feeling this will be a common theme of my upcoming motherhood…

Dependence.

Perhaps as I take on more responsibility than I feel ready to handle as a new mom, God is asking me to give the weight of it to Him. Maybe instead of feeling weighed down by burdens and heaviness, He wants me to be lighter.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

My life verse. The words that bring my weary soul to rest–words to live by and remember always, especially in the throes of tumult and chaos (which is seeming to be everyday life…)

Adulting is hard enough; I can only imagine what it will be like to be a parent. I still don’t know how to change a diaper and our stroller has not even been taken out of its box yet. I will be far from a perfect mom. But I can’t wait to watch God show up in the middle of it all. I can’t wait to see Him provide again and again, as my faith deepens and grows. This process of surrender is not easy or quick, but rather a lifetime of learning to trust against all our natural and self-protective instincts. It’s a process of letting go of our expectations of what our lives should look like, and instead letting them be what they are: messy, scary, joyful, and everything in between.

This process of surrender is not easy or quick, but rather a lifetime of learning to trust against all our natural and self-protective instincts.

As one trial gets resolved, I know there will be many more to come–but I’m not afraid. Jesus goes before me and has already made the way; I’m only expected to trust and follow. He will continue to bring beauty where I only see ashes, order where I only see chaos. He is working behind the scenes and I don’t have to worry about what my veiled human eyes can see and frail human heart can comprehend. I rest assured of this.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
Psalm 34:19

thoughts

surrender

June 14, 2021June 11, 2021 alyssapebbles

So…we have mold.

And I’m angry.

In fact, I’m furious. I don’t understand WHY God would allow this to happen. Again. Right before our baby is due. I want to blame someone, I want to kick and scream and cry and punch a wall. I’m so mad at God and I’m so mad at myself for allowing us to get into this situation. But most of all I feel…helpless.

Completely out of control.

And I hate being humbled in this way, back on my knees.

But I realize I have a choice–I’ve come to a crossroads. I’m weary and exhausted and I can choose to let this all consume me and ruminate in my anger and entitlement to a clean living space and MY plan for our life, or I can surrender. I can actually still choose to trust God, even in this. Even though it’s still confusing and I don’t know the implications of any of it yet, whether we will be able to keep living here or have to move out, I can just. trust.

Maybe it’s easier said than done, or maybe it can actually be easily done. Maybe it is just simply a release, a final surrender of my own will to His. Fighting is so tiring. I’ve been fighting for so long and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Maybe it’s easier to finally just wave the white flag and say “You take this.” Maybe this is what He’s been wanting from me all along and He uses these circumstances to shake me into awareness–I have no control.

None. Zilch.

No matter how much I have planned or prepared or hoped or prayed, things don’t go my way. No matter how much I try to control outcomes, they don’t turn out the way I want. So why keep forcing it and being so sorely disappointed? Why not just allow Him to have His way?

I recognize my anger comes from a sense of what I deserve, but God never promised to give us what we deserve. He promised to give us what we need.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:19

Friends, our foundation is shaky if it rests on anything other than Christ. Anything you have been counting on can be taken from you at any moment–health, friends, family, your job…whatever you hold you dear cannot be what you depend on.

We have to depend on Him alone. I have to, or I will be so utterly destroyed.

I can kick and scream and cry and be rude to customer service people but at the end of the day He’s God and I’m not. All I can control is the way I respond to the circumstances He gives me. And I have to be willing to take both the good and the bad from His hand. He has given me so, so much good–who am I to question what I deem the “bad?” I don’t understand what He is doing but I don’t have to. I just have to keep trusting and believing that His heart for me truly is good and that He is indeed going to provide for me.

Sometimes we can’t understand what it means to truly surrender until we are put in situations where we are forced to, where we realize our own weakness and futility. These are the pivotal moments in our lives when we decide who God really is and if we really, actually trust Him. I’m choosing to trust Him, because I see no other alternative.

thoughts

trust in the storm

June 7, 2021June 9, 2021 alyssapebbles

It’s been tempting not to write a post this week because so much happened in the last week that has given me major anxiety, and normally I would allow myself to just rest. But then I remembered how writing for me is rest. Processing my life through words is one of the most restful activities for me. And I’ve also set a goal for myself to post something every Monday, whether or not it’s perfect or “finished” by my own definition, so this is me holding myself accountable at the same time as sharing my life with you.

This past week we moved into our new apartment, the home I have been dreaming of for the past month and half, envisioning our little family budding up within these walls. And the moving process wasn’t even stressful at all like I thought it was going to be eight months pregnant, thanks to the generous aid of Mitch’s and my parents and brother…no, the stress came from a different source.

A musty smell in the living room.

If you’ve read any of my posts about my health, you might know that I have had chronic health issues since living in a mold-infested apartment two years ago. So a musty smell may not be a big deal for someone else, but for me it causes PTSD. And sends me spiraling into paranoia, fear, and anxiety.

I never anticipated having to deal with this again. This was the exact thing I wanted to avoid in the space where not only we are living but going to be raising a baby–a vulnerable, fragile being who definitely requires a non-toxic environment. To be honest, the fear was absolutely paralyzing for the first few days here and I felt my whole inner world crumbling to pieces.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid the things that have caused us immense pain and suffering in the past, they come back to haunt us. What do we do when this happens? How do we respond to these situations–to God?

I think my immediate response is anger and entitlement. I should not have to deal with this again. I have been through so much with my health; this is absolutely unacceptable. But the anger quickly dissipates into fear and I begin to question everything: I’m already so immunocompromised, how will I survive another exposure? How will this affect my baby? How will we ever afford remediation if it comes to that, God forbid it’s so toxic we have to move out and leave all our stuff behind?

The questions of why and how consume me. I’m thrust back into the dark and chaotic mental place where everything is up in the air and I don’t know where the ground is. My anxiety feeds my physical bodily responses, and I become an ultra-hypochondriac, wondering if my symptoms are related to mold in our apartment or if my own deteriorating psychological state is causing them at this point (most likely the latter). I don’t want to be back here, never thought I’d be back here. Especially now of all times, when the stakes feel so high as we are about to start our new family. Why would God allow this to happen again?

But as I am questioning and doubting and fearing, something inside of me is small and still and reassured. Someone is whispering to my soul that it’s all going to be okay. That even if the worst scenario happens and there is toxic mold in our apartment and we have to leave and get rid of all of our stuff–we will be okay. And I know this peace can only come from the Lord, because it is certainly not originating from me.

We will find out if we have mold in our apartment next week, and until then I am choosing to trust God through my fears. He knows what is best for me and my family, and He will take care of us.

Whatever fear and anxieties are consuming you, God knows what you are dealing with. Trust Him in the storm, not only once it’s over. He will come through for you, even if it’s not the way you wanted or planned.