Tag: life

thoughts

art of the heart

alyssapebbles

For so long I told myself I wasn’t creative. I looked at others around me and how gifted and talented they were, and believed I could never measure up. As a result, I haven’t cultivated the giftings and talents that God has placed in me as much as I should have- always keeping them at bay, lest they come out and betray me in some way.

Yet when I was a child I was extremely artistic, good at writing, and musically gifted. I had no thoughts of how my creativity compared to others. I simply did the things I loved and enjoyed them. It wasn’t about the output; it was about the process. I was so enraptured and captivated by what I was doing that the final product had no bearing.

God has given us a creative spirit, because He is a Creator. We are made in His image, and therefore we are made to create. Creativity is a form of worship; as we offer into the world the giftings He has put into us, we honor Him and edify others. We don’t create to win the approval of men- we create out of the abundance of life and energy that He has given us.

I’m in a season of my life where God is calling me out further into my creativity. He wants me take risks and pursue those endeavors which for so long I have stayed away from out of fear. Fear that what I create won’t be good enough- that it won’t be perfect, and therefore not worth pursuing.

Fear stifles creativity; it severs our playfulness and imagination, and makes us small-minded. It tells us nothing is good enough, so nothing is born. Perfectionism will always fight against creativity, and we must not allow it to have any space in our hearts.

Our work is a reflection of who we are- creativity is the expression of our souls. It is the most extreme form of vulnerability, to put our creations out into the world for anyone to see. It requires great risk. We must be willing to surrender our pride and fear, and allow the inevitable times of failure and disappointment to come, knowing that failure pushes forward and helps us get better.

In the last year, I have been more and more drawn to the arts- the honest expressions of those souls who are longing for something more, who create beautiful things that speak of eternity, whether it is paintings, musical compositions, or inspiring pieces of writing. Perhaps it’s because I’ve moved to such a creative place, or simply that my own soul is longing for those same things- to break free of the confines that and limitations that I’ve unwittingly set for myself. What I know is that this longing to create is universal, that something in each one of us is stirred to express ourselves through our creativity.

Art is the fruit of a meaningful existence.

 

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dying to live

alyssapebbles

In the world, life precedes death- but in the Kingdom, just the opposite is true.

After death, there is resurrection. This is what we base our hope on as followers. Death to ourselves and our sins, so that we may find our lives in Him:

If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it, but if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms.

~Luke 17:33 MSG

This is perhaps the most excruciating, yet liberating part of following Christ: we must die to ourselves and surrender it all to Him. I think of all the little daily things I am not willing to surrender, let alone the big things. But He wants it all- He wants all of us.

In the Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer describes this process at length:

For this God-above-all position is one not easy to take. The mind may approve it while not having the consent of the will to put it into effect. While the imagination races ahead to honor God, the will may lag behind and the man never guess how divided his heart is. The whole man must make the decision before the heart can know any real satisfaction. God wants us all, and He will not rest till He gets us all. No part of the man will do.

This process is a painful one, to be completely honest. When we were new believers, just starting to get to know Christ, it seemed easier- He wasn’t yet dealing with our deeper sins and heart postures, but rather just drawing us close to Himself. He wooed and enchanted us with His grace and mercy, with the beauty of His creation, and the new and fulfilling Christ-centered relationships we made within the body. We were “on fire” for God; the passion was ablaze, and we were ready to completely submit and surrender our lives to whatever His will may be for us. After living for so long without Him, following Him was a fresh, cool drink of water.

But then He calls us deeper.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

~Psalm 47:2

He begins to ask us to do harder things, to give up more than we ever thought He would ask of us. The process of maturity is initiated. We can no longer live the way we once did before we began following Him. We aren’t fulfilled by the same things, aren’t satisfied or comforted by the things we once were. We find that we have to keep going back to Him, abiding in Him constantly, or we seem to fall apart. The stakes are higher- we feel like there is more to lose by turning away. We become more aware of our own sin and the ways we fall short, more desperate for Jesus to cleanse us and make us new. We are tempted to despair of our own brokenness, but He offers us a different way.

He brings us to the brink of ourselves, so that we realize how dead we are without Him.

And then, only then, can we take up our cross. After the flesh has been starved, the Spirit can be fed. We begin our new lives in Him, completely rid of ourselves.

This takes discipline and practice. It takes courage and commitment, patience and grace. He calls us to our highest selves- holds us to the highest standard. He is a consuming fire and the closer we get, the more our old selves will burn away. He refines us and shapes us to be like Him, to become righteous in his sight.

This is what we sign up for when we decide to follow Him. It’s not the easy life- He doesn’t always take away our troubles and give us comfort; in fact, that is rarely His way. Rather, through testing and trials He teaches us obedience, and as we learn to obey Him more and more because we know He has our very best in mind, we will find life to the full. Just when you think it is the end, it is actually the beginning of something new and beautiful.

We no longer have to fear death, because Life always emerges out of the ashes.

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leave what’s heavy behind

alyssapebbles

I think the theme song for my life right now is “Heavy” by Birdtalker. The lyrics resonate heavily (hah) during this continued season of uncertainty and painful moments of regret:

If you’re lost and you’re lonely
Go and figure out why
Take a trip to your darkside
Go on and have a good cry
Cause we’re all lonely
Yeah we’re all lonely together

Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind
Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind

If your face is down
Take a look around
Do your fingers move?
Do your lungs inflate?
Are you tired are you weary
Of the hidden hate you’ve been holding?
Did you lose that love?
Or have you never had it?
Are you feeling sad cause you did a bad thing?

Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?
Only way to lose that fearful feeling
Replace it with love that’s healing
Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?

I think the biggest obstacle to forward progress is dwelling on past mistakes- letting them bully you into believing you can never change, or worse, you don’t deserve to change. To change and grow would mean to actually be freedom, and you can’t possibly have that after all you’ve done, right?

The enemy is especially tricky with this sort of thing- rumination, stagnation, and paralyzation. If he can stunt our growth and keep us stuck in our past sins and mistakes, he knows we won’t be able to grasp onto our bright future with God and all that He calls us to be. We will continue to relive the past over and over again. We don’t even realize we have a choice.

A choice to let go.

A choice to be forgiven.

A choice to be washed clean.

Why else did Jesus come?!

God reaches into the depths of our despair and regret and He doesn’t shame us. He doesn’t wag a finger and say “I’m so disappointed in you. Why didn’t you do better this time?” He knows us better than we know ourselves; He knew what decisions we were going to make before we ever made them, and He is not surprised. He is not staring incredulously at us, wondering how could we ever keep messing up so badly when we claim to be followers of Him.

Not at all.

He only ever looks at us through eyes of love. He is gentle and patient with us, forgiving us as many times as we need to be forgiven. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he needs to forgive someone who hurt him, Jesus replied:

I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

~Matthew 18:22

He never gives up on us- even when we give up on ourselves. Our pain is His pain. He hates to see us suffer the consequences of our sin over and over again. He wants to offer us freedom and new life from that. When we are so afraid to come to Him because of our shame, He can never do the work He wants to do in us- He can never heal us from it. We are terrified of punishment, and yet by holding ourselves back from Him that is exactly what we will continue to face. When we actually lay it all down before Him, He does this amazing thing:

He forgives us.

And He begins to heal the wounds.

But we have to let Him see them. He won’t condemn us- whatever we don’t bring into the light will.

Why do we run anywhere else to find healing? Why do we expect any other thing to satisfy and fulfill us? God is the only one who can carry the burden of our shame and regret, so we have to leave what’s heavy with Him, or we will be crushed under the weight of it.

Then He can begin to do a new thing in us.

Forget about the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

~Isaiah 43:18-19

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messy

alyssapebbles

It’s so easy for me to see all the ugly, chaotic, crazy messes in the world- and most especially in myself. Life is so complicated and confusing and there are always a million different things running through my head and my heart, not to mention everything else going on with the people around me and the world.

We are complex, intricate creatures in a complex, intricate world. There is no right or wrong, up or down, left or right. It’s all relative and about perspective and how in the heck are we supposed to order this mess of our lives?

God has shown me that in the mess there is beauty– in fact, in the mess, there is Him. When everything is spiraling and we can’t see clearly and our hearts are troubled and we are looking for answers in all the wrong places, He is calling to us as our solid rock.

As our order in the mess.

As our calm in the storm.

As our simple in the complicated.

Life doesn’t have to be so messy if I keep my focus on Him.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ~Matthew 6:33

When we focus on trying to control the mess or fix it, or perhaps (in my case) try to run away from it, only a bigger mess will be made. We cannot fix this world (or ourselves) in our own strength- it’s all God’s doing. My trying to fix my own mess is a result of my lack of faith and trust in Him. He is the great Healer, Physician, Handyman- the ailment to all our ills. HE is the one who does the work, and OUR job is to trust Him to do it instead of taking it into our own feeble and incapable hands.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside us helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. ~Romans 8:28 MSG

Sometimes God wants us to sit with Him in our mess until we can no longer bear it- He needs to show us what we’re doing to ourselves and those around us until we HAVE to make a change- or else we will continue to deteriorate inside and out. Although this is incredibly painful, it is the way He brings us closer to Himself and closer to who He wants us to be. When we come to Him in humility with our burdens and our failures, He doesn’t scold us, mock us, or shame us. He forgives us and sets us free.

How grateful I am to have a Father who meets me in my mess- and who wants to take me out of it. It is amazing to know that my story and my past, my choices and my failures, don’t define me; that HE alone does. That He’s taken away my sin and my shame and set me free to live the life worthy of my calling- to experience the abundant joy of living in a broken world as a redeemed person, continually pouring out my brokenness and messiness to Him, who can handle all of it. In return He gives me life and wholeness.

He can handle all of it: every single little messy thing about you. Everything that doesn’t fit with who you think you’re supposed to be, everything you try to hide and avoid, everything that’s secretly killing you on the inside. He will never flinch or turn away or abandon you- He doesn’t see you as a sinner but as a Saint. 

Please hear these words. I am in awe of who He is and what He is capable of; that He could set someone like me free- someone who struggles every day to know and live into my identity in Him. If He loves me that much, there isn’t a person in this world He can’t save with His unconditional love.

No mess is too big for God.

 

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rhythm & rest

alyssapebbles

When I try to be everything for everyone, I burn out so quickly.

We are not made to please others. We are made to please God. 

The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? ~Psalm 118:6

It’s so easy to take on other people’s burdens and baggage and get carried away, forgetting our center is in Christ and Christ alone. Our relationship with Him comes first, and then comes our relationships with others.

I always have to catch myself when the bitterness, resentment, and cynicism begin to fester inside of me- that’s when I know something is off. I am not getting that refilling, replenishing time with the Lord, my Father and the God who loves me. I’m letting what other people say about me dictate who I am; or rather, what I believe others’ perceptions of me are.

I am not my mistakes, I am not my sin. I am free and beloved in Christ.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. ~Romans 8:1

Sometimes the voice of perfection is so loud that I can hardly hear God over the noise. It makes me feel smaller and smaller as the anxiety takes over. I call it “shoulding” on myself.

“You should be smarter.”

“You should have done that differently.”

“You should be better than you are.”

You get the picture. The “shoulds” become so strong that they drown out the “ares.”

My Father:

“You are loved.”

“You are precious.”

“You are safe.”

and

“I AM ENOUGH.”

My best friend gave me a necklace before I left with the Maya Angelou quote on it: “You alone are enough.” And it’s true, He is. When I can’t see the way before me and am desperately trying to cling on to everything and everyone but Him, I feel a severe lack-and an intense exhaustion and burnout. But when I go to Him first, I am reminded that He is a good God who cares for me and meets me in my deepest longing and pain- and that it has to start there.

It has to start with Him.

When I come to Him first, He will order my life- I will find my own personal rhythm with Him. We don’t need to move at the pace that everyone else does or expects us to; each of us has our own relationship with Christ that calls us to unique ways of being. There is no comparison.

And finally, He calls us to rest. To be with Him. To sit with Him. To know Him. Life is messy and crazy and if we don’t find time to be alone with Him, we will spin out of control. Life apart from God is no life at all.

It’s easy to perform- it’s so much harder to trust God with our authentic selves and let Him shape us as He desires instead of forcing our own way.

I always go back to this one:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

Don’t let the burdens overcome you- we have a Father who is willing and able to take those burdens so we can live freely and lightly.

Let go.