Month: April 2020

I don’t always realize the state of my heart until something precious to me is threatened.

This morning I woke up in high spirits, praising God for all of the ways He’s blessed me throughout this pandemic. And yet, as soon as I received bad news mere hours later, I immediately became angry and cursed Him in my heart.

Am I really that fickle? Am I really so dependent on what I deem are His blessings? Am I to know what is a curse or a blessing?

The way we respond to our circumstances, particularly the bad ones, is revealing of our character. I want to bless the Lord, whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, but instead I find myself angry and downcast when He thwarts my plans.

But He is so gentle with me. I am surprised by my reactions, but He is not. He knows my heart and how quick it is to put hope into earthly things, and so He takes certain things away for my benefit. I have to trust that He is still in control and working all things together for my good.

Maybe my will wasn’t the best way. Maybe He has something so much better planned, that I can’t understand right now.

I take comfort in the fact that He is good, and He is for me. Although the unregenerate part of me wants to curse Him and wallow in self-pity, I can’t anymore, because I know His character. He’s revealed it to me in a million ways, and He’s never let me down. I may still act like a spoiled child, but I can’t run from what I know–that He is good, and that He doesn’t change depending on my circumstances. That in fact His goodness is sometimes most displayed when He gives me the cups I don’t want to drink.

He grieves with me, but He knows what’s ahead.

Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I’ll worship Your Holy name

The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes

I think by now we are all a little tired of this…

Being stuck at home, trying to find creative ways to function virtually in ways we used to be able to in person. Learning how to live in our new, confined reality while we wait to go back to reality as it once was. Much creativity and many endearing stories have emerged out of this time, but we still ache to be back with our people, our communities, our normal rhythms.

What do we do when we become weary in the waiting?

The beginning of a crisis is always exciting and dramatic- devastating, yes, but exciting nonetheless. We were on the edge of our seats attached to the news; new information was coming out every five minutes and things were rapidly evolving and changing. We waited in suspense and perhaps deep fear and anxiety to hear what our new reality was going to be like.

And then the new normal set in. Some of us have suffered greatly. Others have had to adjust but been relatively unharmed emotionally, financially, and physically. All of us have had to re-prioritize and come to terms with the state of our world.

It’s not over yet. It may not be for a long time. And we have to learn where to go when we become weary:

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

I have found the book of Isaiah to be incredibly encouraging during this time, especially the later chapters. It is full of God’s promises to His weary people- people that have been severely afflicted and are waiting to be delivered. People who want to skip to the part where everything is okay again, to the land of milk and honey and restored relationship with their Creator. People who don’t like the in-between or uncertainty. People like us.

I think we all want some restoration and revival. We are tired of death, mourning, and sadness. We are tired of bad news. We are tired of wandering in the desert with no foreseeable end.

But God promises to sustain us in this season. We can’t begin to try to understand why He’s allowed this to happen, but we can trust that there is a bigger plan at hand, and He has bigger purposes for our lives and the world than what we are able to see now. We can let him refresh us and restore us in this day, so we can move forward in His strength and not our own, and continue to endure no matter what comes next.

I know I need this refreshment. I can’t get through another minute of this without it, without Him. I know He is calling me to Himself, to deeper relationship and intimacy than I’ve known before. I want to distract myself from all the pain but He is asking me to face it and walk with Him through it. And He enables me to do so.

We can keep going because He walks with us. He knows pain, grief, and suffering. He knows boredom, weariness, and numbness. He knows our hearts. And He is not going to let us fall.

There’s a song called “Hoping” by the X Ambassadors that feels like the theme of my life (and perhaps all of our lives) right now:

I’m falling in this great divide
The earth, it splits, and my feet on both sides
And all my faith is shaking, II got to keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
When it all feels broken
Got to keep your hope alive

I’m falling in this great divide
The earth it shifts, and I’m on the other side
And I swear the world’s going crazy

But I still keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
When it all feels broken
Got to keep my hope alive’

Cause this war won’t wage itself
It’s time we tip the scales
With the weight of the world on ourselves now
And I’ve been wrong a thousand times or more
But I keep on letting on

Keep on hoping
Keep on hoping
Keep on hoping
Keep on hoping

Got to keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
It all feels broken
Got to keep your hope alive
Got to keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
When it all feels broken

You know I’ll stick around, hey
Keep on hoping

In this day, the Lord has filled me with hope. Nothing circumstantially has changed- in fact the news and the weather are gloomier than ever. However, I am reminded of the goodness ahead, and that after all this we will look back and be so grateful we made it through and came out so much stronger. I am looking forward with joy and anticipation of what God has in store.

Having something to hope for and look forward to is so important, even if it’s just a warm cup of coffee and silent time with God the next morning (I always look forward to that). Especially in times like these we must hold on to hope- where fear and despair linger thick in the air and we are tempted to let them swallow us whole because fighting is too painful.

Sometimes it hurts to hope.

At the beginning of all the craziness, planning my wedding felt too painful with the future being so uncertain. Everything looked so bleak and I didn’t (and still don’t) know if our reception would have to be postponed. The thought of that was devastating. I had imagined this season of my engagement to be perfect, and a pandemic was not part of my plan leading up to the wedding.

And yet, as I have been adjusting to this new way of life, hope is starting to rise in my heart as I picture our wedding- how much more meaningful and beautiful it is going to be after we have come through this. How much more we will appreciate gathering together and celebrating; how much bigger and better the celebration will be!

So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.

John 16:22

Maybe this time of sorrow now is meant to build a deeper and lasting joy in us, a joy that will be revealed at a later time, but gives us something immeasurably great to hope for. Maybe once we are allowed to gather together again and get back to “normal” life, we will see that we have been changed- that our collective suffering has shifted us from people who take things for granted to grateful and joyful people. Maybe we will see everything differently, and enjoy everything more fully. These are the things I hope for and hold onto.

We must keep looking ahead with hope- joy is coming.