Author: alyssapebbles

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the war

alyssapebbles

There is a war going on. It’s all around us, and if we can train our eyes to see it, we can begin to learn how to fight.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

~Ephesians 6:12-17

I have never felt more spiritually attacked than when I was working for the church. The enemy did not want me in the church. He did not want me discovering God’s power in me, the impact I could have on the body of Christ. He hates the church with a passion- it is one of his greatest desires to destroy the church. And he does it by slowly picking away at each member- at the most basic levels of their worth and identity.

I let his sneaky and conniving voice take up space in my mind with lies. I gave him room in my heart to get comfy with bitterness and envy. I allowed him to intimidate me with fear and shame, to shake my confidence in the One who loves me and instead be suspicious of His motives. Instead of fighting with the armor of my Beloved- the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness- I succumbed to the darkness and gave it power over me.

Because that’s the thing about this war: we get to decide who we let have the power in our lives. God has the ultimate power, and He doesn’t need to convince us of that. It’s in His nature. It’s who He is: the omniscient, all-powerful God. His still, small voice can move mountains.

The devil, on the other hand, has to do a lot of convincing. He has to inundate us with poisonous lies and try enormously hard to make us think he has even an ounce of authority. He tries to capture our attention with cheap distractions and plays on our fleshly desires. He, like God, knows our sinful condition and how prone we are to give into our temptations if we’re not careful. And when we do, he’s quick to catch us in the trap and remind us of how very sinful and hopeless we are.

But if God has the victory, then why do we still fall into his snare? Why does the darkness sometimes feel like the realest thing, and His truth far from true?

Because there was a fall.

And the prince of darkness rules the earth…for now. God is making everything right, and restoring everything and everyone to Himself, but in the meantime Satan is still rampant and looking for victims:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

~1 Peter 5:8

This battle is not only going on in the spiritual realm- it is going on inside of us. We are not passive in this fight. We must actively engage with God and remain strengthened in Him and His truth or we will be subject to the tactics of the enemy.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

~James 4:7

Fortunately for us, we are not alone in the fight. We have God’s Spirit in us, and with Him we are more than equipped to stand against the wiles of the devil and his angels. The more we begin to recognize His voice and know His character, the more we will be able to recognize what is not from Him. We will be able to discern the truth from the lies. We will see the enemy clearly for who he is: a thief who comes only to kill and destroy. And when that happens, his power over us is gone.

This battle is not like any other. It is not fought with violence, but with peace. It is fought with hope and joy, with trust and faith. It is by abiding in our Father and remaining in Him- not by our own strength- that we will be able to stand.

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unashamed

alyssapebbles

Those who look to him are radiant;

There faces are never covered with shame.

~Psalm 34:5

Since I have decided to follow Christ with my life, I have been inexplicably drawn to people who seem to know Him, and I mean really know Him. The people that have that glint in their eye as they speak about Him, as though He is their most intimate and truest friend.

I have known very few people who have this kind of relationship with Him, but when I meet them and get to know them, I know that I want what they have. I want to know Him like that- like a best friend and ever-present companion, like someone who is always so close and so near that I can feel Him breathing through my lungs. The people who know Him like that are not ashamed of Him- they can do nothing but exude His presence in the lives of those around them; it emits from their very being. They are always thinking about Him and talking about Him- and talking to Him. They are so deeply in love with Him.

It should not be unusual to meet people like this, especially in the church. But it is.

How many people do you really know who completely lay down their lives for Him, who live and breathe His breath? Who constantly meditate on His word, and continually abide in His presence? I know very few.

My question is: why are we ashamed of Christ?

Why are we afraid to seem “overly spiritual” or even perhaps crazy to people who don’t know Him? What are we to gain by stifling His spirit in us?

In modern, Western culture Christianity, it is okay to go to church and be involved serving in the body of Christ, so long as you don’t offend others with your faith. It is okay as long as you don’t weird people out with your relationship to the Lord by talking to Him or being led by the Spirit in certain ways that people don’t understand. As a result, we’ve discouraged personal relationship. We’ve encouraged public testimony and appearing a certain way. But we’ve forgotten the whole point: Christ.

We’ve forgotten the whole reason we signed up for this thing in the first place; all this pain and sacrifice and dying to self. It’s all because of Him, and if we weren’t in love with Him, we would never go through all this. If our faith is not motivated by love for Christ, but instead becomes a way to make ourselves look good, we are lost. When we judge our brothers and sisters for the way God manifests Himself in their lives, as though He can only work in one way, we lose our own connection to Him.

We have to stop trying to please people. We have to stop expecting our relationship to look the same as anybody else’s. The Creator of the Universe loves each of us in unique and wildly different ways. He gave us passions and interests and joys and fears, and He knows what makes each one of us tick. He loves it when we delight in Him, when we enjoy Him- because He enjoys us. When we begin to truly get to know Him, we unlock His heart. We can begin to understand the magnitude of His love for us, and it will absolutely overwhelm us.

Let’s not forget who our First and Last is, and let’s never let fear of what other people think cause us to be ashamed of Him.

He is not ashamed of us.

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perseverance

alyssapebbles

A close friend texted a word of encouragement to me the other day: it was an exhortation to keep persevering and enduring in this seemingly endless season of uncertainty in my life.

Though I’ve witnessed God’s powerful and life-changing work, there is still always the temptation to give up- to stop being hopeful and give into cynicism and discouragement over the reality of my circumstances.

But through it all, He has been guarding my heart and mind. He has given me the ability to persevere. I am able to get up early each morning instead of sleeping in, not knowing what my plans will be for the day but trusting that He will be in whatever I do- whether it’s applying for the twenty-fifth job or going on a spontaneous adventure with a friend. He’s in it. I don’t worry anymore because worry does absolutely nothing but hold us back.

If worry and fear are no longer options, there is only one choice: to press on. To continue in Him with strength and discipline, to move forward. Dwelling on the past and fretting about the future are both wastes of time, and He calls me to be with Him here and now.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

~Matthew 6:34

We spend so much energy worrying about things that are out of our control. We let our troubles consume us, as though obsessing about them will somehow make them go away. We magnify our problems and minimize Christ.

But God asks of us a simple obedience out of trust- to actually trust Him in all the trials we face, not just some. Once we begin to consistently obey Him in everything, we begin to experience the hard work of perseverance:

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

~James 1:4

Of course God doesn’t allow hardship into our life to defeat us. Testing and trials are all for our benefit, and all can draw us closer to Him. The road ahead may look long and arduous, and the outcome may be unclear. You may only have a glimpse of the plan, or perhaps it is completely hazy. There will be dry spells and wilderness seasons. We will have times where we feel like we are wandering, unsure exactly where we are headed- or if we are headed anywhere at all. But we must not be discouraged in these times:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

~Joshua 1:9

That’s when we turn to what we can’t see- when our human lenses fail us, we must rely on faith. We must keep showing up and meeting with God. If we continue to hope and endure, He will reward us. We will begin to see the fruit in our lives that can only develop through trials: the fruits of patience, peace, gentleness, self-control- the fruit of joy. We will become mature and more and more like Christ, as he prunes away the dead parts of us that were getting in the way. We must look ahead to the other side of the mountain, where God is waiting with open arms.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

~Isaiah 40:31

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faithful with a little

alyssapebbles

In October of 2016, I wrote about what it means to be a good steward. Here it is if you haven’t read it:

https://alyssapebbles.wordpress.com/2016/10/18/steward/

That word, now tattooed in cursive black ink across my wrist, still holds significant meaning for me, especially during this season of waiting.

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

~Luke 16:10

I, like many people, have a tendency towards short cuts. Skipping steps. Trying to get to Point C without passing through point B. You could call it instant gratification- I want to have arrived. I’m a results girl; all about the finished product.

But our God is a God of process. The One we serve requires great patience, endurance, and sacrifice from us- there is no way around it:

But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

~Matthew 7:14

The path is not an easy one, and it requires all of us and all that we have along the way. That’s why it’s critical that we understand the value of stewardship: of being faithful with what we have now, so that we can be trusted with more in the future. If we don’t honor God in little that He has given us, why would He ever dare bless us with more?

What this means is that we have to be present. It means that we have to be thankful for circumstances and resources we have now, even if we don’t feel grateful or things are not ideal (which they never will be, by the way!) It means that how we use our time matters. It means that how we use our money matters:

Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the first fruits of all your crops;

~Proverbs 4:7

Basically, all that we have we must give up to God as an offering. We have to remember the nothing we have is our own, anyway- it’s all from God in the first place, including our very own bodies. When we remember it all belongs to Him, we can move away from selfish ambition and prioritizing self-interest in our lives to being generous. From a place of generosity (with our time, money, talents, listening ears, etc.), God will bless us with more as He sees that we are being faithful. And we will find that the more we have, the more we will want to give away; this is the fruit of abundance and the way that our Father intended for us to live.

God is calling me right now, right where I am, to offer my life as a living sacrifice in all the daily small things. It’s not glamorous and it won’t draw attention from others, but God will see it and it will honor Him. It’s only through daily discipline and obedience in small, seemingly insignificant tasks, that I will become all that God has called me to be. Great leaders have been sanctified from the inside out- they know God intimately in the small details of life and therefore can be trusted by Him to do bigger works.

We all want to be used in big ways by God, but it starts with the small. Show Him you can be trusted with what He’s given you, and more will be added.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

~Matthew 6:33

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dying to live

alyssapebbles

In the world, life precedes death- but in the Kingdom, just the opposite is true.

After death, there is resurrection. This is what we base our hope on as followers. Death to ourselves and our sins, so that we may find our lives in Him:

If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it, but if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms.

~Luke 17:33 MSG

This is perhaps the most excruciating, yet liberating part of following Christ: we must die to ourselves and surrender it all to Him. I think of all the little daily things I am not willing to surrender, let alone the big things. But He wants it all- He wants all of us.

In the Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer describes this process at length:

For this God-above-all position is one not easy to take. The mind may approve it while not having the consent of the will to put it into effect. While the imagination races ahead to honor God, the will may lag behind and the man never guess how divided his heart is. The whole man must make the decision before the heart can know any real satisfaction. God wants us all, and He will not rest till He gets us all. No part of the man will do.

This process is a painful one, to be completely honest. When we were new believers, just starting to get to know Christ, it seemed easier- He wasn’t yet dealing with our deeper sins and heart postures, but rather just drawing us close to Himself. He wooed and enchanted us with His grace and mercy, with the beauty of His creation, and the new and fulfilling Christ-centered relationships we made within the body. We were “on fire” for God; the passion was ablaze, and we were ready to completely submit and surrender our lives to whatever His will may be for us. After living for so long without Him, following Him was a fresh, cool drink of water.

But then He calls us deeper.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

~Psalm 47:2

He begins to ask us to do harder things, to give up more than we ever thought He would ask of us. The process of maturity is initiated. We can no longer live the way we once did before we began following Him. We aren’t fulfilled by the same things, aren’t satisfied or comforted by the things we once were. We find that we have to keep going back to Him, abiding in Him constantly, or we seem to fall apart. The stakes are higher- we feel like there is more to lose by turning away. We become more aware of our own sin and the ways we fall short, more desperate for Jesus to cleanse us and make us new. We are tempted to despair of our own brokenness, but He offers us a different way.

He brings us to the brink of ourselves, so that we realize how dead we are without Him.

And then, only then, can we take up our cross. After the flesh has been starved, the Spirit can be fed. We begin our new lives in Him, completely rid of ourselves.

This takes discipline and practice. It takes courage and commitment, patience and grace. He calls us to our highest selves- holds us to the highest standard. He is a consuming fire and the closer we get, the more our old selves will burn away. He refines us and shapes us to be like Him, to become righteous in his sight.

This is what we sign up for when we decide to follow Him. It’s not the easy life- He doesn’t always take away our troubles and give us comfort; in fact, that is rarely His way. Rather, through testing and trials He teaches us obedience, and as we learn to obey Him more and more because we know He has our very best in mind, we will find life to the full. Just when you think it is the end, it is actually the beginning of something new and beautiful.

We no longer have to fear death, because Life always emerges out of the ashes.

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big

alyssapebbles

In my own head, I make my world small.

I let fear rule my thoughts, emotions, and actions.

I let lies become truth, and my courage dissipates.

My hope evaporates, and I’m left despondent and confused.

What happened?

Where is God?

How did I get here?

How did I let my life become so small, my heart so cold? How did I let fear become my reality, so that it’s difficult to get out of bed in the morning and face the pain of the day?

I stopped trusting. I lost faith. I forgot my God.

My God who can move mountains. My God who can make a way in the wilderness, make a way where I can’t see one. My God who would never let me get in the way of His glorious and wonderful plans for my life. My God.

He is still good. He is still faithful. He hasn’t stopped loving me because I made my world small- because I let the prince of darkness become my new master. He knows I am not control. He knows the condition of my heart and the endless circles my weary little mind runs in to try and do what only He can.

He sees me. He loves me. He forgives me. And He sets me free.

Free to leave the past behind. Free to move forward in hope and confidence, knowing that I am fully His and nothing I could ever do will change that- no failure is so great that He is not greater still. And He can actually use our failures to change us and develop our character, to make us more like Him.

I cry out: “How, God, how could you still want me?”

He replies: “You are mine, daughter. Stop running and hiding. Run to Me- Hide in Me.”

The shame is over. The regret is behind us. There is only forward, only here and now. We can wallow or we can be washed.

And He is with us.

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possibility

alyssapebbles

With the new year just ahead of us, the potential for new beginnings are fresh on all of our minds and hearts. We love the idea of possibility– the notion that anything can happen. It is a liberating feeling, and yet, at the same time, it is just that- a feeling.

As someone who constantly looks to new things, new opportunities, to fulfill me in ways that only God can, the new year brings me a different sort of hope. It brings me a hope for the possibility of healing, the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness. The possibility of growing closer to God than I ever have before, and trusting Him to direct my life in radical ways.

The new year, for me, is about a new beginning with God. It is about letting go of my old self and embracing the new creation that I am in Him. Sure, He started the process long ago, but I know in this new year He will continue it in a new way. 

He is always showing up in new ways:

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

~Isaiah 43:19

We become stagnant in our faith when we forget that what He offers us is never the same, that it is so much more exciting than we ever dared dream. We become stagnant when we aren’t ready to say yes to Him in bigger ways- not when we become bored with our faith. Stagnation is a failure to risk more for His sake. If we are not swimming upstream with Him, we will only make backwards progress.

When we become comfortable in our lives and don’t see a need to change, there is a problem. Walking with Jesus is a dynamic, ever-changing experience and the further we go with Him, the more we realize how much farther we have to go. We see the possibility of all we can become in Him, and that fills us with joy and determination to press on:

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

~Philippians 3:14-16 The Message

He is our inspiration- our Muse for all of our future endeavors. We know that with Him, anything IS possible, but only with Him. Not on our own terms.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:13

This new year does hold more possibility for me than I have ever known. But I know that if I cling to that possibility instead of to Christ, the road will lead nowhere. However, if I allow Him to be a part of my hopes and dreams and invite Him into all that comes next, there is no way I will fail.

Put your hope in Christ, for with Him all things are possible.

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leave what’s heavy behind

alyssapebbles

I think the theme song for my life right now is “Heavy” by Birdtalker. The lyrics resonate heavily (hah) during this continued season of uncertainty and painful moments of regret:

If you’re lost and you’re lonely
Go and figure out why
Take a trip to your darkside
Go on and have a good cry
Cause we’re all lonely
Yeah we’re all lonely together

Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind
Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind

If your face is down
Take a look around
Do your fingers move?
Do your lungs inflate?
Are you tired are you weary
Of the hidden hate you’ve been holding?
Did you lose that love?
Or have you never had it?
Are you feeling sad cause you did a bad thing?

Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?
Only way to lose that fearful feeling
Replace it with love that’s healing
Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?

I think the biggest obstacle to forward progress is dwelling on past mistakes- letting them bully you into believing you can never change, or worse, you don’t deserve to change. To change and grow would mean to actually be freedom, and you can’t possibly have that after all you’ve done, right?

The enemy is especially tricky with this sort of thing- rumination, stagnation, and paralyzation. If he can stunt our growth and keep us stuck in our past sins and mistakes, he knows we won’t be able to grasp onto our bright future with God and all that He calls us to be. We will continue to relive the past over and over again. We don’t even realize we have a choice.

A choice to let go.

A choice to be forgiven.

A choice to be washed clean.

Why else did Jesus come?!

God reaches into the depths of our despair and regret and He doesn’t shame us. He doesn’t wag a finger and say “I’m so disappointed in you. Why didn’t you do better this time?” He knows us better than we know ourselves; He knew what decisions we were going to make before we ever made them, and He is not surprised. He is not staring incredulously at us, wondering how could we ever keep messing up so badly when we claim to be followers of Him.

Not at all.

He only ever looks at us through eyes of love. He is gentle and patient with us, forgiving us as many times as we need to be forgiven. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he needs to forgive someone who hurt him, Jesus replied:

I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

~Matthew 18:22

He never gives up on us- even when we give up on ourselves. Our pain is His pain. He hates to see us suffer the consequences of our sin over and over again. He wants to offer us freedom and new life from that. When we are so afraid to come to Him because of our shame, He can never do the work He wants to do in us- He can never heal us from it. We are terrified of punishment, and yet by holding ourselves back from Him that is exactly what we will continue to face. When we actually lay it all down before Him, He does this amazing thing:

He forgives us.

And He begins to heal the wounds.

But we have to let Him see them. He won’t condemn us- whatever we don’t bring into the light will.

Why do we run anywhere else to find healing? Why do we expect any other thing to satisfy and fulfill us? God is the only one who can carry the burden of our shame and regret, so we have to leave what’s heavy with Him, or we will be crushed under the weight of it.

Then He can begin to do a new thing in us.

Forget about the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

~Isaiah 43:18-19

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undeserved grace

alyssapebbles

It’s so amazing how our Father lavishes us with things we don’t deserve and didn’t earn. It astounds me.

The more we are stripped away to our barest and most desperate selves, the more we realize how much we really don’t deserve anything we’ve been given, and therein lies the essence of grace. We can finally see clearly- none of this was from ourselves. It has always been Him.

The grace of my Father couldn’t be more palpable than in this season. As we come close to the time of celebrating Jesus’ birth, I am reminded of how His death led to my own birth. How I could never be free if it wasn’t for what He did.

But because He died, and rose again, I don’t have to walk around in chains anymore. The sins of my past have no hold over my present or my future. The shame I have become so used to carrying is no longer my burden to bear. He took it- all of it!

So simple and so pure- He gave His life for mine. For me. For you. We need to live in that reality, and no other.

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trust revisited

alyssapebbles

In January I wrote on the subject of trust, and after re-reading that post I am inspired and similarly challenged today. Trust is so central to our faith that we must constantly strengthen ourselves by trusting Him.

In case you haven’t read it, here it is:

https://alyssapebbles.wordpress.com/2017/01/29/trust/

This verse, written on a piece of paper stuck on my mentor’s refrigerator, has captured me in this uncertain season of life:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

~Proverbs 3:5-6

I’ve not known such a season of testing my trust as this; my whole life had been planned out thoroughly up to this point. I realize this is an incredible time of surrender- to really and truly allow Him to dictate my forward motion and guide me into the rest of my life in ways that I haven’t allowed Him to before. I’m so grateful I don’t have to have it all figured out. It seems He’s put me in this spot to reveal truths about His character that I never would have discovered otherwise, had things worked out the way I had planned. In the uncertainty and unknowing, He is there.

I love the way Eugene Peterson writes these Proverbs in The Message:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Don’t assume that you know it all.

Run to God! Run from evil!

I’m also reminded of this verse:

In their hearts humans plan their course,

but the Lord establishes their steps.

~Proverbs 16:9

I am so grateful to have a Father who knows what He is doing, but He does have one stipulation: that we be wholeheartedly devoted to Him and no one or nothing else. As someone who likes to keep her options open and is easily thrown from one thing to another out of fear of commitment and consequences for actions, I am convicted by these verses in James:

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

~James 1:6-8

It’s never Jesus and. It’s only Jesus. It’s easy to be enticed by shiny, new things- new ideas, goals, careers, friends, churches, material things, especially during a season of possibility, where anything can happen. But we must remain focused on Him, and bring every decision and choice into the light of His word. If we are “double-minded” and can’t commit to something for fear of missing out on something else, we will end up with nothing. You can’t be a “lukewarm” Christian- that is not being a Christian at all.

In a Bethel sermon I recently listened to, Kris Vallotton talked about creating an “ecosystem” of Christ in us, so that we are not so easily conformed to whatever environment we happen to be in, molding ourselves to situations instead of allowing Christ to mold us through our situations and circumstances. He touches on a Scripture which I also frequently go back to:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

~Romans 12:2

His way is a straight and narrow path, and only few enter it (Matthew 7:14). We have to seek first His kingdom, and then everything else will be added to us (Matthew 6:33). As long as I am consistently nourishing myself with His word and His truth and trusting Him with my fears, joys, and pains, regularly letting Him transform me from the inside, I cannot make a wrong decision. The only wrong decision is to let fear paralyze us and lead us astray, stopping us from stepping into His story. Stagnation is the opposite of growth- and the enemy to our faith. He will use whatever decisions we make, as my mentor so adequately put, as long as we are committed to Him in our decisions and not wishy-washy…and then even if we aren’t! Even if we feel like we’ve made too many mistakes or missed the boat, it is never too late to begin anew, trusting Him completely going forward. He will wash away the sins of our past if we come to Him, and help us to live transformed lives.

This is a scary ordeal. This requires faith. This requires trust. This requires letting go of control and facing the truth about ourselves (as despicable as it may sometimes be), allowing God’s consuming fire to burn away all that is displeasing to Him to become more of who we were created to be.

And in that is freedom.