Month: November 2016

There is so much to be afraid of in our world. Sometimes it feels like we are heading toward the end times, or even already in the end times. Natural disasters, crazy politics, rapidly advancing technology…where will this all lead?

Yesterday as I flew back from California to Washington, I had a panic attack as we experienced unprecedented turbulence. I have terrible flight anxiety and reeled in my window seat as the two guys next to me probably thought I was losing it. In those moments of complete panic and terror, I had to let go- let go of everything I thought I had control over- let go of my own life. I had to surrender to God, trust Him with my very life and acknowledge that I have. no. control.

We have the illusion of control in this world, but it is just that- an illusion. And the more we try to tighten our grip, the more out of control we will feel. That is because we were not created to control; that’s God’s job. We were created to enjoy God’s creation, to enjoy His design for our lives instead of our own. Instead of grabbing for money, power, and control, which are all motivated by fear, we are to let go and allow God to bless us abundantly. This feels risky, but it is so much better than trying to hold on to everything, only to lose it all in the end.

Before we hit the turbulence, God blessed me with an incredible sunset view; one that I would never be able to see if I had not reached those heights. He enabled me to face my fear of flying- the ultimate test of trust- and empowered me with His grace and beauty. We don’t need to be afraid, and aren’t meant to be afraid. God is more powerful than any of the things we are afraid of, even death itself.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ~ Psalm 23:4

Home is a weird thing. Home, meaning the place you grew up in. Is that home? Or is home where the heart is, as they say?

When I come home, for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Spring break and summer, I feel like I’m transported to the past. My “home” is the place where I grew up, where I had the same friends for eighteen years and experienced heartbreak and sadness and joy and freedom. But I was also chained, as many of us were, growing up. Not by my family, not by my friends- by my own mind. I battled depression for so much of my life, but didn’t even know to call it that. I was unhappy in middle school and high school. That’s why coming home can be so painful sometimes; seeing the places that caused me so much angst and anxiety. But it gets easier every time, and now home is different than it was. Now I can come home and feel peaceful, not anxiety-ridden. Now I can drive past my high school, where I spent so much time hating myself, and feel a separation. There is no emotional attachment anymore, or at least only a remnant.

The problem was me, it was always me. And when I come home, it’s easy to revert back into that old me, the me that I am no longer. Something about family can bring out the worst in us- but it can also bring out the best in us if we will let it. If we will let our homes not ensnare us and keep us chained but rather experience the freedom of overcoming those old ways and remembering that we are new creations, we are not who we used to be, then home can be an old place and a new place. A place of redemption.

Sometimes I don’t like who I am when I come home. I fight with my brother, act entitled and materialistic, and fall back into old habits. But each time, I bring with me parts of my new self- my new interest in nutrition which allows me to connect with my mom in a different way; my understanding of politics and world news which helps me have intelligent conversations with my dad; my new sense of humor to joke with my brother. Although I may have once been ignorant and selfish, I have changed, and I have to remember that. I have to remind myself constantly that I am not who I was, because that is the Devil’s favorite way of capturing us: making us believe we can never change. He is terrified that we can and do change, because then he has no power over us. Then we never have to allow those things that used to bind us hold us anymore. God has created us new and changed and with God on our side, who can be against us?

I am so grateful for the way I was raised, the privilege I had and still have. I have more than I could ever possibly need or want, and that is not something I need to feel guilty about. Rather, God asks me to give, and give abundantly, all that I have. He asks me to be a steward, and a steward I shall be. I am growing and changing and learning, but it is good to have a reference point to come back to every now and then.

Friendship can be beautiful. Friendship can be painful. Friendships change, as we change and the other person changes. Sometimes our growth aligns; sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t it can be hard, when we become two different people than we used to be. When we don’t laugh at the same things anymore or misunderstand each other. When one is stuck and the other is blossoming. When jealousy, bitterness, and competition rear their ugly heads. When there is an underlying tension that nobody wants to speak aloud.

Friendship is a hard thing, but it is a necessary thing. Without our friends, we cannot survive. We cannot be alone- that is not how our Creator made us to be. Alone we die, but together we thrive. Our friends help us find our way when we are lost, break through our walls when we’ve barricaded ourselves, lift us up when we are down. Without our friends, we are hopeless.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Though we may grow distant from our friends at times, there is a deeper bond between us that will last- the friends that you haven’t talked to in ages that you can just pick up where you left off when you see them in person, the reconciliation of a friendship gone sour with a simple hug and knowing smile, the common enemy that brings us together, to support one another and fight the good fight.

Jesus is our friend- He is the best friend we will ever have. And even when we feel lonely, we can know that we are not alone. He sees every tear and knows every joy we experience. And He is right there with us when we are hurt, a shoulder to cry on. He knows us inside and out and loves us unconditionally, like our best friends do. Never take that for granted, that friendship. It is one of the truest blessings and most powerful pieces of Heaven we will ever get to experience on Earth. The heart of Jesus can be seen in our very best friends.

There will be growing pains, but don’t give up. You are loved.

Sometimes we really need closure. Need for closure is a trait that some possess, but others do not. I like closure. A lot. And I got closure this weekend. At least a fraction of closure, a little something straight from the heart of God. God doesn’t always want to give us closure- he wants to test our patience and not give us all the answers we want; not allow us a quick-fix which will really fix nothing in the end.

But God is good and He knew I needed healing and He provided- in the form of good company, old, abandoned campgrounds, and long, reflective drives. Going back was something I both longed for and dreaded, because I didn’t know what kind of emotions would be brought up and what kind of brokenness I would re-experience. I left that place in despair; I came back with hope. God met me there, not with spite but with mercy after mercy and a hummingbird in the dead cold: my personal symbol of freedom. I needed to go back, and He knew I needed to go back. I am so grateful I did. I am so grateful for where He has brought me since this summer and how much deliverance I have experienced from the anxiety and fear that overtook me, the spirit of oppression that weighed down my weak and fragile heart. In reliance on Him I endured, and overcame, albeit a little rough around the edges. It was He who created relationships in my life that I am beyond thankful for- people that bring me to the edge of myself and show me what it means to truly live, to truly see as He sees. Free people. This summer I met the freest people, and I became one. I am freer today because I was shackled. I have hope because I was hopeless. Isn’t that always the story?

Don’t run away from your pain. There is deliverance on the other side, I promise you. I promise you that God is good and even though it doesn’t always feel like that- even though it sometimes feels like the walls are pressing in on all sides and you can barely breathe, or make it another minute. God is there and He will deliver you. The pain ends. And the pain grows you. Oh, it grows you. And then you will look back on it and understand, and you will thank God with a thankfulness that words can’t speak.

I don’t want to become complacent. I have tasted the incredible beauty of what God has to offer us, and I don’t want to miss it because I am distracted, because I am reliant on only myself. The stars shine brightest when the night is the darkest, so don’t run away from the night. The night is scary, but you are not alone- you are never, ever alone. I don’t want to forget what I experienced this summer, as hard as it was. I want to hold onto those moments with God that were unlike any moments I had ever known before. I received closure this weekend, but that does not mean it is over. My story is still being written and so is yours. All of ours are in the Big God Story, where all of our lives are intertwined and one day we will look back and see how it all makes sense. If it doesn’t make sense right now, it’s okay.

Maybe we don’t need closure-maybe we need Jesus and that is enough. I think it is enough.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30

I don’t know much about politics, but I know enough and care enough to know that we are headed down a dangerous path with the latest election, the very first presidential election I was eligible to vote in. This is disheartening.

While many grieve throughout our country, many are celebrating, and as much as we want to be spiteful and hateful towards those who elected a dishonorable man to be our president, we cannot and absolutely should not. This divide is exactly what the devil wants- always to divide. The more he can pit us against one another, the more he can have his way in our lives. Friend against friend, husband against wife, mother against daughter…this is the working of the Evil One. And while many people may be looking at Trump as the Evil One, he is merely a man, influenced by sin as we all are. We can demonize him all we want, but the real Demon is lurking behind all of our snarky comments and growing hatred. Trump may have won the election, but we cannot let the Devil win our hearts.

We have a Savior we can cling to during the times to come, knowing that He will be our rock and safe place when we may not feel safe or grounded. He calls us to be patient and forbearing during trials, and so we must be. Most of all, we must come together as a nation and support each other, regardless of our political views. As long as there is discord and conflict, we are vulnerable to the Enemy. Let’s not let him have his way.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. ~John 16:33

When we feel attacked, we often want to attack back. An eye for an eye, a nose for a nose…whatever you want to call it. But as children of God, we are asked to respond differently to conviction- not to seek revenge or act out but to learn from our mistakes and offer ourselves the grace that Christ so freely offers us. Easier said than done.

There is something utterly threatening to our very being when we know we must change our ways, whether that means being less materialistic, changing the way we interact with others, or ending some bad habit or addiction. It is an experience of cognitive dissonance, as I have learned from Social Psychology: acting in opposition to what we believe and our values- basically being a hypocrite. We are good at talking the talk, but do we really walk the walk?

I notice when I feel convicted, the way I see the world around me is tinted. I am annoyed easily, I get frustrated by people; I am ultimately angry at myself. I always know that’s what it comes down to-this disappointment in the way that I am not living up to God’s expectations for me, acting out of selfishness instead of conviction. But God is so gracious and does not hold our sin against us, so we don’t have to hold it against ourselves. Sometimes I find it easier and more comfortable to live in guilt and shame (because it is what I have always known) than to acknowledge my sin and bring it before Him, and then move on. It’s the moving on part that is scary- the part where we have to actually change our ways and live differently. We would rather be miserable than live into that scary freedom that Christ offers us–we think.

Instead of being consumed by anger, guilt, or fear, what if we allowed God to mold us and shape us through our sin, through our repentance? What if we truly let go of those things that hold us back, even though they are comfortable restraints? Last night I heard a sermon about the little gods we worship- health, beauty, success, relationships. These are gods we have known for so long that giving them up can feel like the most painful thing, when in reality giving them up opens us up to an entirely new and free way of life. I know my little gods: vanity, materialism, self-righteousness. I don’t want them in my life anymore, and God doesn’t either. Give up your little gods for the one Big God. It’s worth it.