Month: November 2019

I am well aware that as the holiday season kicks off, many people feel anything but thankful. In fact, the beginning of the holidays for me usually marks the coming of seasonal depression, fearfulness and uncertainty about the future. Whether it’s the extended hours of darkness or the stress of holiday planning and gift shopping, Thanksgiving is not a happy time for everyone. The holidays often can remind us of the things we feel we are lacking in life, and even bring about feelings of loneliness and isolation. They can remind us of people who are no longer around or broken relationships that have not been mended.

For others, this holiday season brings great joy.

Wherever you fall in the spectrum of gratitude this year, there is so much to be thankful for. When I look back on where I was a year ago and how much God has brought me through and given me in His goodness, I have every reason to praise Him. He has sustained me through depression, doubt, fear, and anxiety. He has given me jobs, my wonderful boyfriend, a beautiful church community, and new friendships I never could have foreseen. And most of all, He has given me Himself–and that will always be enough.

Whatever is happening in your life, there is reason to be grateful if you are willing to look for it. Our very lives are a gift from our good Father.

These days when I have so much time to finally delve into the creative pursuits I have wanted to for so long I find myself… struggling. It seems almost as if there is an invisible wall, and I just can’t seem to get through it.

The pressure of perfection?

The sense that my contribution won’t matter?

Fear of failure?

I can’t put my finger on the issue at hand, but I know that it is inextricably tied to my sense of worth, as are most things of difficulty. I know God made me an artist, a creative in the image of the Creator, and yet I can’t seem to find the discipline and endurance to do just that: create. I find myself seeking other ways to distract myself from the nagging sense of purpose I know can only be from Him.

I have many artistic friends whom I envy their ability to produce and have a steady output of beautiful work. I long to be like them, yet something is holding me back. It’s incredibly frustrating.

I have dreams of being an author or a songwriter. I have the general sense that my purpose is along these lines, but I don’t know where to start. As soon as I sit down to write a song or a chapter of a book, I am paralyzed. I can’t think of a single thing I want to communicate, even though throughout my days dozens of ideas are whirring about in my mind.

I only hope other creatives can understand my dilemma.