Category: health

health, thoughts

in the midst: a choice

alyssapebbles

I have suffered from severe health anxiety for four and a half years now, when life as I knew it was flipped upside down in a small apartment in Santa Cruz, and I could no longer rely on a healthy body anymore.

There have been so many tears shed, angry words shouted, and dreams ripped away. There has been self-pity, bitterness, and despair of life itself. What is the point of living in a body so broken?

I have spent four and a half years fighting against my circumstances. Fighting against what I thought God had unfairly inflicted on me. Why me, God? Why this?

I have refused to see my health problems as anything but a curse– problems to be solved. I have put my entire hope into doctors, therapists, and anyone who claims to know how to heal me. I have put my hope into physical healing. I have idolized health as the ultimate goal of my life.

And finally, as my health problems multiply and seem to get worse instead of better, I have learned a secret:

The secret of acceptance.

After four and a half years, God has broken through to me in a way I can finally understand. That all this time He has not been absent– He has been very near. That in fact the very circumstances of my life and my health that I have rejected have been the ones that He has been using to draw me to Him.

Suffering has a way of doing that.

I think I’m only just beginning to understand it, but perhaps all this time this suffering has actually been a gift. Perhaps without it, I would never have had to rely on God deeply and develop the relationship that I have with Him now. Perhaps I would never understand the deeper realities of Him and His Kingdom.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:3-4

Maybe the goal is not to be the most comfortable and happy in this life. Maybe I’ve had it wrong all this time and it’s actually the suffering that refines me and helps me to see the greater opportunity of comfort and happiness in Him.

If this life is all there is, then of course we should try to make ourselves as comfortable as possible here. By all means we should pursue our own happiness.

But if there is more, if in fact we are only living in a shadow of what is to come– an eternity with the King of Love– then maybe, just maybe, this life is training grounds. And part of that training includes how we respond when life doesn’t go the way we want it to.

I’ve realized I’ve only compounded my suffering by the ways I’ve responded to it. And God offers a much, much better way: to run to Him.

Because He already knows. He knows my every thought, every single hair on my head. He knows this is not the way I would’ve chosen. But He has chosen this way for me because He loves me.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

What if there is so much more to my own story than I can see right now? What if all of this suffering is not meaningless, but is actually paving the way to a more glorious outcome than I could ever imagine? And even if I don’t see that outcome in this life, I have a guarantee that I will when I see Him face to face.

So whether or not I am physically healed, I can look forward to the new and perfect body I will have in Heaven, after I have run the race He has called me to. And for now, I can choose to see everything in my life– both good and bad– as blessings from His hand.

health, thoughts

no matter what: trusting God with my health

alyssapebbles

I’ve written about my health struggles before, but as I go through a new season of chronic anemia, once again I am presented with the choice of either faith or bitterness.

These past few months, every morning I wake up to get up and feed my little one, I feel as though I haven’t slept at all––even though I’ve gotten a solid seven or eight hours. This is pretty much how I feel the rest of the day. I have to go back to bed during my baby’s first morning nap, forsaking any other tasks I may have wanted to get done.

Any energy I do have is spent wrangling an almost-toddler into his clothes for the day and keeping a constant eye on him as he gets himself into all sorts of trouble. I have to take another nap during his afternoon one if I have any hope of surviving the rest of the day, once again putting off tasks so that I can get the rest I need.

We moved to our new house over a month ago and I still haven’t been able to go on a run because I just haven’t had the energy. I have to oh-so-carefully plan my days so that I don’t overload myself with the increasingly limited energy I do have.

Needless to say, it is beyond frustrating to function at this capacity. Any additional stressors throughout my days (which are many, of course) tip me over the edge because I am already at my end. Being exhausted all the time is exhausting––go figure. I have nothing left for my husband or even for myself at the end of the day.

I find myself growing angrier with each day that I wake up continuing to feel like this. I am irritable and depressed, anxious and hopeless. Why are you putting me through this, God? Why can’t you just heal me?

I know I am echoing the cries of so many others, so many saints who have endured prolonged suffering. And I know that my suffering is probably only a shadow compared to what some have to go through. But it is still suffering, and it is still unbearable at times.

I will admit that most days I let my suffering overcome and defeat me. Instead of reaching out to God and bringing my pain to Him, I shut down and play the victim. I feel sorry for myself and become consumed in my own pain. I wallow.

But recently I came across a psychological term that I had heard of before but never looked deeply into: radical acceptance. It means accepting your circumstances exactly as they are without judging or reacting to them. For some reason, this seemed incredibly profound to me, and I realized its because I’ve been doing the exact opposite––I have completely rejected my circumstances, and by doing so have compounded my suffering.

When we reject the circumstances God has given us, we expend all our energy trying to change things that can’t be changed. We run ourselves ragged by focusing on all that’s wrong, which burns us out and leads us to despair.

What we pay attention to is what we become. If we are so consumed by our suffering, we will only become more bitter, angry and despondent. But if we focus on Christ and His goodness in the midst of our suffering, we will begin to move forward in faith.

Focusing on God in the middle of our suffering often looks like lament. But it is so much better to release our negative feelings to Him than to internalize them or take them out on everyone around us. He knows what to do with them. He knows how to transform them. I can’t will my heart into submission to Him, but He can do it for me through His Spirit.

Even if all I can do is repeat a single passage of Scripture over and over in my mind, He can use that to change my heart. And once my heart is changed, it no longer matters whether the suffering continues or not.

It takes great maturity to get to the place where we love and trust God no matter what. No matter how we are feeling or what is taking place in our life. I can’t say I am anywhere near that level of faith or maturity yet, but I want to be. And God sees my desire and He can use it.

We are guaranteed suffering in this life:

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

It is not in our circumstances that we will find peace. We may think that once everything is going the way we want it to we will finally have peace and joy, but this is not so. If we can’t find peace in Him right now, in the middle of what we are going through, we never will.

As much as I wish I could just be a normal, healthy young adult, God has had a different plan for my life. It’s not the suffering I would have chosen, and it often doesn’t feel noble, holy, or even meaningful. I often don’t understand why I have to go through this.

But I am comforted by the fact that He is a “man of sorrows” who knows my pain and is with me in it. I don’t know when or if He will choose to heal me, but I’m learning to be a steward of the energy I do have and the resources He has given me.

He is not hard on me the way I am hard on myself. He doesn’t expect me to conquer the world––He only expects me to trust Him, no matter what.

health

perspective: my health journey

alyssapebbles

I was learning a lot last week about telling my hard story, courtesy of the hope*writers community. It seems that God was trying to teach me something as I was in the middle of mine. And I was going to do a post this week in the midst of my crisis documenting its miseries, but I felt the prompting of the Lord and my fellow storytellers to wait. While these past few days have finally provided relief from the constant discomfort that my longstanding health issues cause me, I know I’m not fully through this thing (or if I ever will be)–and that’s okay. I can still write about it, but I’ll have you know that I’m nowhere near the finish line.

A bit of background– I was diagnosed with Hashimotos hypothyroidism and polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in college after a severe depression and out-of-control, painful cystic acne that exploded all over my face. This was only the beginning of a long and winding journey of health problems.

I made it through college relatively unscathed once I got on the right dosage of medication for my thyroid. But then I unwittingly moved into a moldy apartment in the winter of 2018. That introduced a whole new host of problems that I was especially vulnerable to due to my autoimmune condition. I developed chronic sinus pressure and inflammation, as well as leaky gut, later diagnosed as small intestine bacterial overgrowth (SIBO).

I’ll be honest with you–the combination of these issues has been utterly defeating these past couple of years. I’ve never had so much sympathy for chronic pain sufferers because waking up every day with your sinuses swelled up and having to be careful about every single thing you eat to make sure it doesn’t cause immense pain and discomfort is not a fun thing.

I’ve played the victim, I’ve tried to be strong, I’ve given up and I’ve decided to keep pushing forward. I wonder if I’ll ever get better or if these are things I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. The hopelessness that sometimes overcomes me is unbearable. These health conditions have given me some of the worst days of my life, but also some of the best. And I realize it’s all a matter of my perspective.

I wouldn’t have chosen this story. I honestly would have chosen so many other forms of suffering besides this. But this is the story God has chosen for me, and I get to decide whether I trust Him with it or not. Sadly, most days I don’t. Most days I feel defeated and even ashamed for not being able to keep my health under control–as if it’s all my fault. I look at other healthy young people (I’m only 25!) and I envy their youthfulness and vigor for life. My health problems have aged me. Often I feel weak and frail.

But every day I have this choice: to listen to what God is trying to teach me through this. To allow Him to be with me in this, and to trust that He is working it for my good. To truly, truly believe that. And I’ve already seen beautiful things come of this– a passion for health and wellness, a job in naturopathic medicine that I never would have landed if I wasn’t intimately familiar with the industry due to my issues, and amazing new friends who are also going through hard diseases.

I believe God is going to heal me, but I also believe I will be okay if He doesn’t. I am finally learning what it looks like to let Him be enough for me. Yes, I want perfect health and a fully functional body. Yes, I want to feel normal and be able to do and eat things that normal people do and eat. But He is taking me to a new level of faith where my trust in Him is not dependent on my health. Health will come and go, but He always remains the same, and He is always for me. He knows my desire to be well, but He knows what is more important than physical wellness.

So as I continue in this health journey I want to remember that it is not about me. I want it to make me a stronger human who can give better to other humans who are suffering. That is the purpose of our suffering, my friends. It is not meaningless or hopeless, but we have to be able to look beyond ourselves. I recently heard a quote that went along the lines of this: pain is self-consuming. And how true that is. When we are in pain, we understandably cannot notice anything but that pain–it demands our attention. But if we can learn to look beyond our own pain at the pain of others, we will find meaning in our own.

I want my story to bring healing to others, just as others’ stories have brought me healing. God doesn’t allow these seemingly random sufferings into our lives because He is cruel or testing our faith. No friends, He allows us to go through these things so we can be lights for others. We must be broken before we can be molded to His purposes. It is the only way.

Whatever battle you are facing right now, be it mental, physical, relational, or spiritual, know that God is with you in it and He will bring you to the other side of it, even if the other side is not what you envision. My health issues continue, but my ability to handle them and my faith have grown stronger. The point is not to be fully healed or fixed, but rather to become a more whole person.

I know there will be more days of suffering ahead, but I also know I will be able to face them courageously.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31