Month: January 2021

This past week I had the wonderful pleasure of a phone encounter with an estranged friend.

Some events had transpired months ago and I was afraid our friendship had dissolved. There was no explanation and I felt hurt and confused by my dear friend.

But then she reached out. And it got me thinking about God’s beautiful heart for reconciliation, and the power of two torn-apart souls rejoining and rejoicing together.

It made my heart so happy to know how much she cared. To hear the truth and to know that the guilt had weighed so heavy on her all this time- that’s how much she cared about me and our friendship. And to hear her relief when I told her I had already forgiven her long ago.

I think about many different ways that conversation could have gone. And I think about how bitterness can take root if we are not careful, and allow us to further divide rather than come together. If I had reached out to her sooner perhaps there would not have been so much hurt. Perhaps we let broken relationships carry on for much too long when a simple word of forgiveness can change everything.

I thank God for the wonderful friends He has given me in my life, and for the endurance of the friendships that are meant to last. I know that no matter what happens or how far apart physically or emotionally we may feel, I will always have these people in my life. The people that stick by me and keep coming back.

I know it is a gift that not everyone has. I know some relationships never mend. But sometimes the pain is what it takes to test the strength of the relationship. And we come out stronger on the other side. And the healing is deeper and we are closer than we were before.

While my heart sings and dances for the little bundle of joy that’s forming inside of me, I also feel a certain and totally unnecessary sense of shame and irresponsibility. I look at the culture around me and no one my age is even married, let alone having babies.

I had the same sense when I got married before all my friends as well. Am I rushing through my life? What do others think of my choices?

I am plagued by the worries of what other people will think of me, and I find myself wishing we lived in another culture, one that doesn’t look down on marriage and family life but embraces it. My best friend lives in Kentucky, where everyone my age is married and on their second or third child. I long to be surrounded by those who understand what I’m going through, because here at times I feel so utterly alone. It’s easy to become discouraged.

But then I remember that my story is not my own. I don’t have to worry what others think because I’m not writing this story- He is. He gets to take the credit and the blame. And He wants to do something radically different with me than those around me, even if it is completely counter-cultural. Even if it illicits judgment. Even if it makes me feel alone.

I’ve always had a desire to be unique, and I wonder if God hasn’t placed me in this culture for that reason. To stand out as faithful in circumstances that many people might look down upon. Here in Silicon Valley, career is an idol. Relationships come second, and children aren’t had until both adults are completely stable and established, usually in their 30s to 40s.

I am 25 and work a front desk job. We don’t own a house nor will be able to in the near future. Neither my husband and I feel established or financially or emotionally ready for a child. But we are saying yes to this adventure.

Instead of fearing what people think of me, I choose to boldly live the story God has chosen for me. I choose to stand out in this culture, rather than wishing to run away to where everybody is just like me. Maybe that time will come, and with it will come a new set of challenges, but for now this is where God has me.

There is no shame in what God is doing in my life.