contentment

I am always convicted, especially during this time of the year, of my lack of gratefulness. While the season of Thanksgiving encourages us to look at all that we have been given and be grateful, I find it a particular challenge in the current circumstances I face- leaving an internship I thought I was going to find fulfillment in and feeling disillusioned about my future.

Discontent has marked much of my life: I suffer from a serious lack mentality. For almost as long as I can remember growing up, I was not satisfied with what I had- always looking at what others possessed, whether material items, talents and skills, physical appearance, social status…etc. I remember being very materialistic as a child and envying others much of the time. It’s always been so much easier for me to focus on everything that’s wrong and missing in my life, constantly comparing myself to others, than focusing on the blessings God has given and is giving to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a four on the enneagram… or because I was an only child for seven years. Whatever the reason, the discontent I feel can be so frustrating and make me feel so selfish for not being able to appreciate all that He has given me- because He has given me so much. It’s a matter of training my eyes to see it, to see Him in all His glory and His dwelling inside of me. In Him, we already have enough- there is no lack. Paul’s words provide a source of encouragement and hope for me during this time:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:11-13

I can either look at my life and myself as a failure, forever doomed to be unsatisfied and unfulfilled, or I can choose to see my life through His lens. I am finally at a place where He can use me however He pleases, unhindered by anything. My future is wide open, which is both terrifying and impossibly exciting. That in itself is a gift.

While the discouragement and disillusionment can come in palpable waves at times, I know He is in control of my life and is allowing this season to happen for a reason. I have to find my satisfaction in Him alone, because right now I don’t have anything else- everything is shifting and changing and there is no stability but in Him. If I allow Him to change my perspective, I will be able to be grateful for where I’m at, for this time of self-discovery, healing, and revelation. I know most people don’t get this kind of time in their life, so instead of feeling guilty for it and wishing my circumstances were different, I can see the blessing and take advantage of it, using it to grow deeper in my relationship with Him.

Contentment is a choice, not something we can only feel when our circumstances are just right- because they never will be. Just as we choose to follow Him each day, we can choose to allow Him to be enough for us in this day and see the blessings all around us.

Happy Thanksgiving!