Month: October 2016

God inspires us to be our best selves, to live into that amazing plan He has specifically and uniquely for us. We feel it in our guts, this feeling that we were created for something more than our current existence, that we were created with a purpose and a meaning. We can find utter fulfillment in our calling, in what Christ has called us to spend our lives doing.

Sometimes I feel this deep craving within myself, a yearning really, for Heaven. I know that’s what it is, because nothing else can explain this longing to experience something real and incredible and beautiful and true. It comes to me in moments of silence, and it comes to me in moments of music- music. Music speaks straight to the soul, straight from the Lord. It digs down dip into my core and inspires me to live into all that God has for me. God has spoken to me through music for as long as I can remember, through the power of an instrumental crescendo and orchestral climax, the power that mere words can never have. When I listen to music, good music, I feel like I can do anything, be anyone. What is that? Where does that come from? I know where it’s from; I know who it’s from.

I have always been emotionally in tune with myself, and with God. I feel things very deeply, which I think is why I am so affected by music- it speaks directly to the emotions, which reside in a deeper place in us than we can comprehend, close to the space of the soul. Over the years I’ve learned to reign in my emotions and come to understand how they are not encouraged to be expressed so vividly in our society, but sometimes all I need is that reflective and releasing cry for no reason- a cry of pain and a cry of joy- a cry of gratefulness. Yes, sometimes I cry because I am so grateful for all God has blessed me with. This has been happening often recently, as I look at where I am and how far I’ve come, simply by relying in faith on the Lord. He is so good, and he creates a resilience and trust in us that cannot be cultivated without the pain and the trials. Though this summer was the hardest of my life, I have come out of it so much stronger and with so much more compassion and creativity. I feel as though I have been awakened to myself and to all that God has for me- abundance. He is a God of abundance, and the more you accept his gifts graciously, the more He will give. It is all too much. I am overflowing.

Now, full of hope and joy, I can give back. I have been inspired; now I can inspire. I have a story to tell, and so do you. We all do. We all grow and change and live and move in the Spirit, who guides us if we let Him. He wants to take us on an adventure, one like we’ve never experienced before, one that will force us to face our greatest fears but also experience the most profound of joys. All we have to do is say “yes, Lord, take my hand and lead me.” He will.

“I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they’ve got planned.” ~Beauty and the Beast

God gives us so many opportunities every day to say yes to Him. All it takes is courage and a willingness to give up excuses. I should know: I am the queen of excuses. Often I put my “well-being” above over what I know God is asking me to do, making the excuse that I won’t get a good night’s sleep because it will take extra time out of my day or my body won’t be able to handle it. I treat myself as though I am so fragile, even though God made us so resilient and able to handle more than we think we ever could. This is not to say that we should constantly be risk-seeking and doing crazy things “in the name of Jesus”; rather it means the good old Bible definition of sacrifice: laying down our lives for the cross, even if that means we have to give up our health, time, energy, or money. God will make up for it in the end- whatever we give Him will be given back to us a thousand times over and more. It’s worth it.

Sometimes saying yes is as simple as going on a run with a friend when you don’t feel like it, and the fulfillment that comes with getting to know her better and learn more about yourself. Sometimes it is as huge as dedicating three months of your life to a mission trip in Haiti. Whatever you are saying yes to, if it is from God, it is significant and has eternal implications. It’s so easy to prioritize “important” things over the one thing that matters most: Jesus. Yes, school is important, staying healthy is important, getting a good night’s sleep is important; but when they become more important than God they can become forms of idolatry. We have to be willing to give up everything, every last thing, for Jesus.

Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:39

As  I mentioned before, worthiness has always been an issue in my life- feeling good enough, feeling like what  I have to offer is enough, feeling valuable. Sometimes the shame hits so hard like a ton of bricks, and for no reason. It’s a little demon inside my head that starts accusing and pointing the finger, almost instantaneously. I can go from cooking dinner with my best friend to retreating into my room overcome by feelings of guilt and utter worthlessness. There’s nothing that specifically triggers it- maybe the small things throughout the day: the way my hair looked messy today, the grade I received that wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be, the way I wasted my time watching TV instead of doing something more productive. Yes, the little things add up to one big shame monster that comes to devour me out of nowhere. On the surface these things seem shallow-so what if I didn’t get the grade I wanted or my hair wasn’t quite up to par? What’s the big deal? Everyone has bad days. But something about the mediocrity of these events triggers every other shaming event I’ve experienced and all of a sudden all I can remember is these feelings, these feelings that make me want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone and everything, including God.

Brené Brown is a shame researcher and one of my biggest inspirations. In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) she defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” She also writes these words, which I resonate with greatly:

When I feel shame, I’m taken back to this place of smallness where I lose that sense of context. I’m returned to a small place- I can’t see everything else. It’s just a small, lonely place.

I couldn’t put it better myself. Shame is a dark, lonely place that no one ever wants to be, but so many of us find ourselves in that place so often. God never intended us to experience shame- guilt, sure, but not shame. Shame is vague and scary and has to do with who you are fundamentally, while guilt can be pinpointed to a specific action and rid of with repentance. Shame can be inescapable because it tells you that you are less than human, and will never change. You are stuck in the past, stuck as who you used to be.

I have a lot of regret over my past that I’m still trying to come to terms with; regret over opportunities that were never taken out of fear, regret over the ways I hid. This summer was a big turning point for me because I had to face my fears and face myself: face my Shame. It was a dark place, but because I had to face that I am so much stronger and equipped to handle it when it comes up again without wallowing in self pity, which is a big temptation for me. The biggest thing I learned was the utter importance of reaching out when we are stuck in shame; if we let it fester inside and hold onto it, it will only grow and grow, but once we expose it- have the courage to be vulnerable- it can’t live any longer. So many great friends supported me through my shame storm this summer, and I would have been eaten alive if I hadn’t reached out to them.

God says we are new creations. We don’t have to hold on to the past because He doesn’t. He forgives us and we need to forgive ourselves. He sees us as new and whole and complete in Him, not broken from our past. Who I was doesn’t determine who I am now. Praise Jesus.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ~2 Corinthians 5:17

What does it mean to be a good steward?

Jesus tells the parable in Matthew 25 of a man who sends off three servants to invest their money and return with more. He gives one servant five bags of gold, and this servant earns five more bags. When he returns, his master says “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:21).

We are told that if we are good stewards of what we have, God will give us even more. He has put this on my heart lately: the concept of stewardship. I’ve been thinking about it for a few months now, thinking about what it means to be a steward of what I already have, to invest in my life as it is right now instead of stand back and wait until something better comes. Maybe what we have doesn’t look like much; maybe it is easier to fantasize about a grand and exciting life than to humble ourselves and tend to the mundane tasks set out before us in our everyday lives. If you’re anything like me, you know this is true. I’d much rather stare out a window and dream about the day when I fall madly in love with the man of my dreams than clean the dirty dishes in the sink or snake the hair out of the shower drain. But it is when we get lost in our fantasy lands that what truly matters is lost as well- living in the present, the here-and-now. Being a good steward means being present and content where we are, no matter how dull and unseemly it may be. If we are faithful with a few tedious things, God will put us in charge of many things.

Not to say that there isn’t much reward in the trivialities of everyday life. Considering most of our time is occupied in the space of ordinary living, God invites us to find Him amidst the dull repetition of our days, so much so that we can stop seeing it as dull repetition and instead see each day as an opportunity for God to show up. Soon our little mundane tasks become privileges instead of chores, as we turn our attention toward God and go through our routines to glorify Him. I’ve seen this in my life: when I stop seeing each task as an inconvenience and instead a way to serve others, God, or myself, the task is much easier to carry out. That is the starting point from which God will bless us if we remain faithful and invest in our lives fully.

The concept of investing is also compelling to me because I often feel that I float through my life, “go through the motions” so to speak, without truly investing myself completely in what I’m doing. I think this is common; we are a species that is afraid of commitment. But part of stewardship means investing, like the servant with his gold, in what we have. Maybe that means mending a broken relationship that we would rather just leave behind, or getting back up after a failure; trying again when we feel like giving up. Stewardship is engaging with what we have-the resources God has given us. We all have valuable resources, whether we recognize them or not, and we can choose to acknowledge and invest in them.

For me, being a good steward looks like waking up each morning and devoting my day to the Lord, treating my body well with good, nutritious food, showing love as best I can to those around me-in my classes, at church, at the grocery store, working hard at school to leave open opportunities that God has for me in the future, and so much more. God has entrusted me with the resources I have for a reason; now it’s my turn to steward those resources so God can bless me abundantly through them and give me more than I could ever imagine.