Month: March 2017

Even to this day, when I believe I am whole and saved and new and free, the lies can be relentless. One of the enemy’s favorite tactics is to subtly get into our heads and make us believe things that are utterly not true. And then I’m whacking myself over the head that I still let his lies become my truths, which give him the chance to whisper even more disparaging things about me and those I love…it’s a never ending cycle and I buy right into it almost every time.

Our minds lie to us.

I have been struggling with lies for as long as I can remember- mostly lies about my fundamental worth as a human being. I have seasons where I am able to experience victory over them, but other seasons where I am not. And this can be discouraging, because even when I recognize them as lies, they still are able to take hold of me sometimes…okay, like, a lot. What happens when you know truth but it’s not setting you free? Where is the transformation I have been searching for? Where is the love I don’t feel like I’m receiving?

It’s all there, but I’m unwilling. As long as I’m unwilling to listen to truth, the enemy is in charge. The lies will call the shots and I will be left in the dust, wondering, once again, what is wrong with me. Why does this keep happening? Why am I so unloveable? But the thing about lies is just that- they are lies. They can only have so much power over me, because in the end, truth prevails. It wouldn’t be truth if it didn’t have the victory. So when I am choosing to believe the lies about myself and my identity, I am living in a fantasy world. No wonder it never ends well. Truth is the reality, and when we are grounded in reality, in God’s reality, we can’t go wrong. Healing and transformation will happen, whether we like it or not. But we have to let go of the safety and comfort that the lies have been offering us our whole life.

It’s easier to believe that I am unlovable than take the chance of being rejected. It’s easier to believe that I am not enough and give up than actually try and fail. It’s easier to believe I will never change than allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in me, which requires that I lay down everything at His feet. It’s easier to listen to the lies. They keep me safe. But they also keep me chained. And God wants us free.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” ~Galatians 5:1

Judgment is perhaps one of the easiest traps to fall into as believers, or maybe another word could be self-righteousness, the sin of pride and arrogance- the sin of believing you are better than others. But judgment is not only directed toward others; by it’s very nature it is directed at the self. The more you judge yourself, the more you will judge others, and the less you allow God to do His job.

I am so humbled, once again, by what God has been trying to show me- the sinful and selfish nature of my own heart. I so quickly and easily pass judgment on others, holding them to a standard that I deem worthy and pointing out each time they fall short. Where does this unforgiving and merciless criticism come from? It can only be because I hold myself to the same standard (the standard of perfection) and of course fail to meet it myself. I am trying to be the master of my own fate, and when I cannot be, I take the seat of Judge and try to master others, or at least puff myself up to be better in order that I can look down on them and at least feel like I’m not that bad. At least I pray and do a devotional every day and read my Bible…at least I’m more devout than them…

And all the while a cruel, insidious hostility is building up inside me along with the wall that separates me from those God is calling me to love.

When I hold myself to a standard of perfection instead of allowing God’s grace to penetrate my life, you can be sure I will hold others to that as well. And guess what- we ALL fall short. All of us.

So who am I to judge? I am just as likely to stumble as the next person- trust me, I know my own weaknesses and my inability to ever become the person I am trying so desperately by my own strength to be. And that is why He is asking me to give up the Judge seat. It is not my place, and frankly, it is too much work anyway. I’m exhausted.

All I can do is love those as flawed and imperfect as I am, knowing that I need grace as much as the next person. Nobody is perfect, and God does not hold us to a standard of perfection anyhow. He gives us grace when we don’t deserve it, so the least we can do is offer it to those as little deserving as ourselves.

Getting off your high horse isn’t easy, but it’s so necessary. I feel the burden lifted from my soul as I allow God’s radiant love to envelop and destroy my pride. I’m not in charge. He is.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” ~Matthew 7:1-5

When I hear the voice of urgency telling me that everything must be done RIGHT NOW, that is when I know it is time to step back and slow down. The voice of urgency is not the voice of God- it is the voice of anxiety, and I have become so familiar with it that I unwittingly obey every time, a slave to its never-ending demands. I must do everything, all at once, or else I will completely forget about it and my life will fall apart and (insert anxious doom-thought here)! Do, do, do! -that’s what it cries. It gets to the point where I cannot even sit down for a meal without checking my email, text messages, and Facebook as I shovel down my frozen Trader Joe’s tamales-all in the space of two minutes.

This is not God’s way.

Instant gratification is one of the greatest evils of our society, as my psychology professor is quick to (correctly) point out. Multitasking is a highly praised skill (even though it is not actually possible) and the quickest fix is the best fix. If you aren’t working through your to-do list as fast as possible, you aren’t really working at all. My needs and wants are the most important thing right now, and everyone must pay attention to me. Grab what you want in life when you can because you are your own advocate and if you don’t look out for yourself, who will? Run, push, step on, shove!

God laughs. Don’t you see your madness?

Urgency is a trap, it is selfish, and it robs the joy from the present. There is another way: intentionality. Intentionality focuses us on the present instead of making us worry about the future. It allows us to enjoy what we are doing, where we are, as imperfect and flawed as it may be. It acknowledges that there are things that need to get done, but also that those things will get done at the right time and in the right way, and that is out of our control. Urgency is all about control- my way! my time!. Intentionality is about setting us free to do the work we are made to do and to do it completely and fully, instead of the busywork that brings us no fulfillment or enjoyment.

So when I hear the cry of Urgency trying to fluster and flounder me (which is almost every second of the day), I will choose to listen to Intentionality instead- to be absorbed in what I am doing and know that I am doing it for the glory of Christ, even if it is scrubbing the crust off of the dirty fork in the sink for the millionth time. He wants us to be fully engaged with where we are, instead of hastily running a race to nowhere. There is no fulfillment or satisfaction in urgency, but with intentionality we can learn to slow down and hear God’s voice…and intentionally obey.

I love to escape- run away when things get difficult. I’ve never been good at confrontation; I’m “flight” all the way. Because running away is so much easier, right? You never have to face the problem, it’s all in the past and you can put it behind you.

But we know this never works- I know it never works.

Lately my escape tactic has been to look into the dreamy future, pondering over all of the possibilities and amazing experiences God has in store for me after I graduate and get out of the city and all of the (meaningless) hustle and bustle that seems to accompany my every day life. I. feel. claustrophobic. Small spaces and no privacy and unnecessary stress and TOO MUCH TRAFFIC.

Too many people. Too little time. Too little God.

Where is God in the city? Where is He in my hundred-person, secular classroom? Where is He among indifferent roommates and endless cloudy days? So if I can’t find Him here, I will run away from my present. There is no treasure here. I want freedom. I want wide open spaces.

But me he caught- reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved! ~Psalm 18:16-19 MSG

So I envision a future where I am free from all the worries of the world, immune to the chaos and hate that is present everywhere I look. I hate messiness- I like black and white. It is all too exhausting, and I want to give up on everyone, because everyone always disappoints and falls short of the glory of God. If I can just get away, I will be happy and free, finally free. All or nothing.

But God sees in color.

Where I see nothing of worth, His treasures are laid out, hidden among the rubble. Where I see dead ends, He is making a new path. Where I see lost relationships, He sees healing. Where I see confined spaces with too many people, He sees opportunities to love.

God wants me to be here, now. We must steward what He has given us now, or He will not be able to bless us. When I try to escape my situation, I am removing myself from His provision and His blessings. The abundant life is already here, it is already yours! Freedom is already available, because we are free in Christ when we turn all of our attention to Him and His redeeming powers. He works all things together for our good. This is only a passing season in my life and my ungratefulness will only make it more agonizing.

No matter how trapped you feel right now, freedom is yours. Bring everything to God- your worries, hopes, fears, and deep, deep desires, and He will fulfill and satisfy your every need. Maybe it won’t be in the way you want it, at the time you want it, but that is how He grows your character. Lean into your present and you will be delivered. The Lord promises good things to those who patiently endure.

I’ve learned by now how to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. ~Philippians 4:12

As the season of Lent begins, I am reminded of the significance of the seasons of waiting in our lives, of how God uses those seasons to mold us and shape us into who we need to be.

Waiting is perhaps one of the most difficult of spiritual disciplines.

I find that I myself have the attention span of a gnat; I can’t sit still for more than an hour at a time and constantly feel the need to rush around, as though time is a limited resource when in reality God gives us all the time we need, if we’ll just trust Him. I’ve been anything but patient these last few months, always trying to take my desires and needs into my own hands, unwilling to allow the outcome to be in His.

Patience is so hard because it requires us to be instead of do. We are a doing people: we know better how to manage a task that’s in front of us than to wait for an outcome that is out of our control. Patience requires that we stop our meaningless flailing (because that is what we do when we are not trusting God) and allow a deeper and more substantial truth to enter our lives, a truth that we simply have to wait for. It is painful and it is frustrating, but it is so rewarding in the end. Hold on to that.

This season of Lent, I would like to learn how to rest in the waiting; how to be okay with not knowing all the answers and simply being present in the now. The present is all we get, so we need to make the most of it. God will reveal things to us when the time is right- you’ve seen Him do this in the past and you know He can be trusted to do it in the future. His promises never fail, so we can be assured of that during our season of waiting. And when we come out of it to the wonderful joy that God has prepared for us ahead, we will rejoice with gladness that we stuck with Him.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. ~1 Peter 1:6