How do we respond in faith when life takes us down a path we never wanted to go down?
How do we trust God when it feels like everything is falling apart?
These are the questions I’ve been asking myself lately as I step into yet another season of pain, disillusionment, and hard things. As if life wasn’t hard enough back in California, we decided to uproot our lives and make a huge move across the country to the great state of Alabama.
Sense my sarcasm?
Granted, we are in one of the nicest areas Alabama has to offer. And I have nothing against Alabama– it truly is a beautiful state full of beautiful people. But let me tell you, had I known how difficult these past few months would be, I never, I repeat, NEVER, would have agreed to move here.
For context, Mitch’s job was ending and he needed a new one. The Silicon Valley tech market is brutal right now, so he started considering jobs in defense, many of which are in various other states across the U.S. We took a big trip in April to see said states and areas we could potentially move to, and decided we liked Huntsville, Alabama well enough to move here. We also had great weather when we visited. Of course.
So when Mitch was offered a great job with a company in Huntsville shortly after returning from our trip, we felt it was an open door from the Lord. And truly, it was. He accepted it quickly and we had about a month and a half to pack our things, find somewhere to live, and move. It was a whirlwind. Goodbyes were brutal– especially the ones with our beloved parents and dear church community.
But we were excited for what was ahead, and I trusted the Lord that He had good things in store for us.
Sometimes those good things do not come in the form we expect.
The very first day we arrived in Alabama was one of the most stressful of my life. I have severe flight anxiety and had already flown all day by myself with my now five year old son through some of the worst turbulence I have ever experienced (I will not be flying through Denver again). Followed by a drive from Nashville down to Huntsville where we got caught in a huge thunderstorm and I could barely see the road while driving. We pulled into a gas station and waited out the storm. I screamed every time the thunder boomed– I’ve never heard anything so loud in my life.
Immediate regret. What have we done? What have we done?
I am a California girl. I’ve lived in California my whole life except for the three years I went to college in Seattle. And guess what? I came back to California because I couldn’t handle the weather there. The seasonal affective disorder got me.
So then, you may ask, why would you move to one of the most severe-weather-prone states in the country? That’s a great question my friend. And the asnwer is– I didn’t know. I didn’t know how intense the weather was here. I know that sounds ridiculous, but like I mentioned, it was perfect when we came to visit in the spring. I had no idea what I was in for. And who knows, maybe the Lord shielded me from seeing Alabama in all its glory beforehand to get me to agree to the move.
Weather aside, these past few months have been stormy both literally and metaphorically. My health, already fragile, has taken a nosedive due to all the stress of moving and also dealing with our son, who is on the spectrum, who has been having constant violent outbursts due to his own stress from the huge transition.
We have been hanging on by a thread, and my responses to the pain and suffering that have accompanied this move have been less than godly.
I have been anxious.
I have been despairing.
I have been bitter.
I have tried to escape.
This was not what I expected or wanted. This was supposed to be a step forward for our family– securing the future we longed for. Instead, it feels like a major step backwards. The life we had in California- though not perfect by any means- was good. At least, I had it good. I had my friends and my family. We had an amazing church. We had great weather.
Life was certainly better there, right? Moving here was a huge mistake. Things were easier in California. Life was comfortable.
But is comfort the goal?
Now I have choices to make. Like what I will do with all the broken pieces of my life. Will I offer them up to God and trust Him with the outcome or further try to control things to get my way? I’ve contrived every possible way to move back, but the Lord’s answer for now has been: stay.
Once again, I ask you: how do you respond when life is not what you wanted it to be?
I’ve struggled with this question for years as I’ve dealt with chronic health issues and my son’s behavior struggles. But everything is now amplified as I’ve lost my sense of home too. I’m still in the thick of it and certainly don’t have all the answers, but I am still certain of this: God is faithful and His promises are true. As tempting as it is to doubt His love and goodness in these excruciating seasons, He is the only one I have to hold onto so I have to cling to the truth.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
~Psalm 73:25
Sometimes the Lord has to strip away everything we cling to in this world to get us to cling to Him. The story of Job is a prime example of this. The stripping away can be painful beyond imagination, and we are allowed to grieve the things that have been lost, but we don’t grieve as those without hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
I am still in the grieving season– I miss California dearly and it will always be home– but I do have hope, whether we move back or not. My hope is in my good Father, who promises to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). My hope is that He has not abandoned me and will never leave me, that He still has good plans for me and a purpose for me here in Alabama, even if it looks entirely different than what I envisioned. Perhaps it will be better than I ever could have imagined.
Our peace, hope, and joy cannot be tied to circumstances or we will always be miserable. We will always be focused on what we don’t have, instead of what we do: the Lord Himself. He is our peace, hope, and joy. And He can make a way where we can’t see one. We just have to surrender and turn to Him, accepting the circumstances He has graciously ordained for us instead of fighting against Him.
So I continue to press forward day after day, living in the tension of where I want to be and where I am, and trusting God to fill in the gap.
rhythms of grace 