Author: alyssapebbles

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rhythm & rest

alyssapebbles

When I try to be everything for everyone, I burn out so quickly.

We are not made to please others. We are made to please God. 

The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? ~Psalm 118:6

It’s so easy to take on other people’s burdens and baggage and get carried away, forgetting our center is in Christ and Christ alone. Our relationship with Him comes first, and then comes our relationships with others.

I always have to catch myself when the bitterness, resentment, and cynicism begin to fester inside of me- that’s when I know something is off. I am not getting that refilling, replenishing time with the Lord, my Father and the God who loves me. I’m letting what other people say about me dictate who I am; or rather, what I believe others’ perceptions of me are.

I am not my mistakes, I am not my sin. I am free and beloved in Christ.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. ~Romans 8:1

Sometimes the voice of perfection is so loud that I can hardly hear God over the noise. It makes me feel smaller and smaller as the anxiety takes over. I call it “shoulding” on myself.

“You should be smarter.”

“You should have done that differently.”

“You should be better than you are.”

You get the picture. The “shoulds” become so strong that they drown out the “ares.”

My Father:

“You are loved.”

“You are precious.”

“You are safe.”

and

“I AM ENOUGH.”

My best friend gave me a necklace before I left with the Maya Angelou quote on it: “You alone are enough.” And it’s true, He is. When I can’t see the way before me and am desperately trying to cling on to everything and everyone but Him, I feel a severe lack-and an intense exhaustion and burnout. But when I go to Him first, I am reminded that He is a good God who cares for me and meets me in my deepest longing and pain- and that it has to start there.

It has to start with Him.

When I come to Him first, He will order my life- I will find my own personal rhythm with Him. We don’t need to move at the pace that everyone else does or expects us to; each of us has our own relationship with Christ that calls us to unique ways of being. There is no comparison.

And finally, He calls us to rest. To be with Him. To sit with Him. To know Him. Life is messy and crazy and if we don’t find time to be alone with Him, we will spin out of control. Life apart from God is no life at all.

It’s easy to perform- it’s so much harder to trust God with our authentic selves and let Him shape us as He desires instead of forcing our own way.

I always go back to this one:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

Don’t let the burdens overcome you- we have a Father who is willing and able to take those burdens so we can live freely and lightly.

Let go.

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community

alyssapebbles

As I am plunged into this new and vibrant community, I am reminded of why God holds community, communion, so dear. Without community- without people around us intentionally and adamantly pursuing our hearts and our growth, and people that we in turn can support and love- we cannot experience the true love of Christ.

com·mun·ion
kəˈmyo͞onyən/
noun
  1. 1.
    the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level. ~Dictionary.com

Coming from a huge faith community in Seattle where I could hide behind anonymity if I so wished, this experience has been rather jarring. The accountability that comes with a smaller circle of believers has already made me question the decisions that I make and the motives in my heart.

There is no hiding here.

As someone who likes to run away from her problems (California–>Seattle–>California, you get the gist), coming into a place where everyone already knows my name is weird. People can see me here. It reminds me of where I grew up- the smallness that sometimes felt suffocating- and the desire to escape it. Oh, I hid back then. Hiding is so much easier than being known.

But what I’ve found here is not like where I grew up. The community is welcoming, embracing, and loving. I have already felt pursued and reaffirmed that this is where I am supposed to be. I know this place will hold me to a higher standard, and in doing so will bring out the very best in me. That’s what a good community does- stays with you through thick and thin, and helps you hold on when you can no longer do so by yourself.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

The teaching at my new and beloved church yesterday was precisely this: we cannot do this alone. As much as I have cultivated my independence over the last few years, buying into the individualistic culture our society tells us good and right, I know that I was not made for aloneness. Love can only be perfected when it is practiced, and it cannot be practiced alone. We need others to find fulfillment and lasting satisfaction- we will never be happy on our own, because we weren’t created that way. We are made for relationship, first and foremost with Christ, but also with our brothers and and sisters in Christ:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as  yourself.’ ~Matthew 22:37-39

I never thought I would be living in community again, but God had other plans (as He usually does). I can’t wait to see how He uses this year to continue to shape me into the person He wants me to become, and uses me to speak into the lives of others. I feel utterly privileged and amazed at His providence in my life.

I don’t deserve the incredible people that God has surrounded me with, but I accept them as gifts from the good Giver who sees me, knows me, and loves me.

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not my will

alyssapebbles

Sometimes God asks us to do the hardest things- to surrender our own desires and wills for His. In fact if we are truly following Christ, we have to be daily willing to die to ourselves so that we may be filled with His life. Otherwise we are simply cutting ourselves off from Him and won’t be able to receive the glorious gifts He wants to give us.

God wants all of us, the whole and totality of our beings, and nothing less. When we let things, ideas, jobs, careers, family, friends, and relationships become our priorities- our idols- over Him, He is not pleased. When we try to make things work in our own power instead of His, we are destined to fail.

This is one of the hardest truths to absorb: Not my will, but His.

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? ~Matthew 16:24-26 The Message

Jesus Himself had to come to this agonizing point when He knew of the looming death that was ahead of Him, and He cried out to God:

Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine. ~Luke 22:42

Sometimes we push so hard for our own way because we are so terrified of giving it up to God- of what the outcome will look like. But when we are walking with the Lord, we don’t ever need to be concerned with the outcome. If we trust and know that He is who He says He is, we are free to surrender our lives before Him and know that whatever happens will ultimately be for our good- even if it doesn’t make sense right now. We can let go of our own wills and take up our crosses.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~1 Peter 5:10

God never leaves us in the dark- we may find ourselves there for a while, but it is through the trials that we grow and are strengthened in Him.

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challenge

alyssapebbles

As I begin this new season of my life and settle into the new rhythm of the culture and people around me, I find myself spinning a little bit.

This year is going to challenge me- that’s one thing I know for sure, amidst all the other unknowns. The uncertainty and fear that comes along with major life transitions can be overwhelming and all-consuming if you let it. I’ve experienced this enough times in my life now that I have better footing this time (or have more tools in my toolbox as my wise mama would say), but it doesn’t make it any easier. You don’t realize how much you’re going to miss something until it’s gone. I feel my eyes brimming each time I am reminded of the life I just left; yet looking forward in anticipation of what’s to come.

I also find myself at moments discouraged: familiarity is so comforting. New is hard. Especially when it is all new: new place, new people, new culture, new community. So much excitement all at once can blow a girl right over–even if all of it is good.

I know that this is the time when what I’m truly holding onto becomes evident—when all I have left to cling to is Jesus Himself, the one who knows me inside and out in a place where I don’t yet feel known by people. Friends come and go, but He remains with me. Changing circumstances can shake our world, but they also cause us to run to our Rock and Redeemer, who will always walk with us through our challenges and hardships.

God brought me to this place for a reason, and I trust Him with what is to come—even when it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know everything is going to fall into place, and I am grateful for this time of transformation. I have to let go of the old to make room for the new things that God wants to do in my life this year. Even in the midst of the uncertainty, I know there is joy ahead.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. ~ Hebrews 12:1-3 (emphasis added)

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endings & beginnings

alyssapebbles

It feels surreal to me that my time in college is over, especially since I am in the in-between transition until my internship starts on Wednesday.

Saying goodbye was not easy. The friends that I made in Washington are friends that I know will last a lifetime, which is why it was so much harder to let them go. God truly blessed me with amazing friendships and taught me what is healthy and what is not. I am so grateful to know this going forward.

While I still don’t know exactly what lies ahead, I don’t feel the panic that I typically feel in transitionary times. I feel out of sorts and supremely exhausted, but unafraid. I know this is the Lord’s plan for me and therefore His hand is on me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Let the new begin.

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open mind, open heart

alyssapebbles

We can become so narrow-minded sometimes, so unwilling to listen the Father and what He wants to do in our lives. We have an idea of how our life should go, and when it doesn’t go that way we are thrown off, and find ourselves being tossed around in states of confusion, fear, sadness, and possibly even anger.

Receiving God’s will for us with open hands can be difficult, but it is the only way to experience the true freedom and joy He offers us. He will always interrupt our plans, because there is so much to be gained when we are interrupted and our world is shaken. These are the times He uses to shape us, as we become disoriented and disillusioned from the loss of our idea of the perfect life. In that state loss, we can cling to Him for answers and providence. These are in fact the best of times. We become more and more like Jesus as we depend on Him, and less and less like our sinful selves.

After the camp that I worked at last summer, I learned a lot about receiving with open hands- or rather, loosely holding onto everything I think I have a right to; the things I think are mine. Because ultimately, nothing on this earth- even my very own body- is mine. I don’t own anything. It all belongs to God. And when are hands are held loosely, we can let go of the things that are really dragging us down and receive new and good things, all because we are clinging tightly to Him and Him alone.

Once we accept that everything is a good gift from Above, we can face our challenges and interruptions of our plans with an open heart and an open mind, tuning into what God is trying to accomplish through them. Instead of seeing them as obstacles in the road, they become enriching parts of our story- parts of the becoming of who we really are. Everything in this world is fleeting; all that will go on is our souls in His eternity, so why should we reject what He is doing in us now in favor of superficial and short-lived pleasures?

“Everything God created is good, and to be received with thanks.” ~1 Timothy 4:4

I want to receive all that He has for me with open hands, an open heart, and an open mind. It may not look the way I expected, because He is full of surprises, but it will always be exactly what I need and what is best for me. When I look back on my life, it is clear that He has used all the things (even the ones that don’t make sense to me) for His glory, and I know He will continue to do so, even if I don’t understand it in the moment. Because I know He is trustworthy, I can have peace in the middle of turmoil and uncertainty.

Know that nothing is wasted- everything in your life does happen for a reason. Cultivate your heart to receive it all with thanksgiving.

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pursued

alyssapebbles

During my last few weeks in Seattle, God has been pursuing my heart quite tremendously- through beautiful scenery, spontaneous adventures, breathtaking music, and generous and loving people after His own heart. It is truly magical the way He seeks and woos us (yes, I said woos). I have felt invited into more intimacy with Him as I become more intimate with His creation. It is exciting and enlivening, yet also a little terrifying.

I feel myself pull back.

I crave that intimacy, yet I also fear it- fear my soul being so completely and utterly exposed. Being pursued by God (and by other people) makes you become so self-aware that it can be a little freaky. It can make you want to hide.

But the beautiful thing is that when God pursues us, He has no intentions other than to bring us closer to Him- to become more perfect in love. He is completely trustworthy; we have nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide that He cannot handle, or better yet, redeem. And He will not hurt us or abandon us, which is what we fear the most when we give our hearts to other people.

I think God is pursuing me so adamantly in this time because I am about to embark a new journey, one in which I will need to be so assured of His love for me every single day in order to assure others of the same. He woos and romances my heart now so that I will be prepared for the heartbreak that I will inevitably experience up ahead in our fallen world- so I will come running back into His safe and loving arms. How reassuring and comforting that is.

God calls us the “bride” of Christ, and He pursues us like a groom pursues his bride- with uncontained affection, adoration, and love. His love for us is unconditional and so beyond what we could ever imagine or understand. He knows the secret keys to our hearts; the secret pleasures we delight in that nobody else knows about, the things that our heart yearns the most for. He knows these things because He created us: He made us this way, and therefore knows exactly how to capture our hearts.

Psalm 139 is a beautiful ode to His intimate knowledge of and love for us. Read it to yourself and be reminded of who you are and how much your Father, and Lover, loves and pursues you.

Only because we are pursued can we pursue.

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abundance

alyssapebbles

Abundance is one of my favorite “spiritual” words, because it doesn’t simply mean abundance in the worldly sense of having more than enough; it refers to the abundant life God offers us: a life far beyond our wildest imagination and craziest dreams. He wants to give us His whole heart in exchange for our weak and petty visions of our life. He never wants us to settle.

We can turn into zombies of Christ if we’re not careful- saying the right things, doing the right things…but the life in us is gone. The excitement we once had for Jesus’ radical hold on us has been exchanged for resentment and half-hearted devotion. Once the life is gone, what’s the point? Then I am taken back to those horrible, awful feelings of never being enough. I can try, try, try, but nothing I do will ever be good enough, nothing I am will ever be good enough. This is the mindset of scarcity, and scarcity is a scary thing, as I learned from one of my favorite authors- the great Brené Brown. In a mindset of scarcity, we are constantly looking to others to compare ourselves to, to see how we measure up. We don’t believe we have value unless we are better than; so naturally, we find many sources which tell us we are nothing. Just check out your Facebook feed and see how you feel after seeing picture after picture of pretty people living pretty lives. What you don’t see is the not-so-pretty parts of their days- when they first get up in the morning, when they get in a fight with their boyfriend, when their dog throws up all over the carpet…you get the picture. We have an image of the people around us that is based on what we want to see, what the world wants to see, instead of what actually is. Basing our self-worth on what others around us think we should be is fickle and frail, and based on lies.

Instead we have to look to God for our identity and security; it comes from Christ and Christ alone, and if we look to Him, we find that He has actually placed within us more than enough to live the life He has called us to. We may not think we are pretty, smart, kind, tough, ____________ enough, but He made us just as we are and can use us just. as. we. are. And He delights in us- He sees us as absolutely beautiful creations. If only we could believe that about ourselves, and about each other!

This is a lesson I have to learn over and over again and each time it is gloriously refreshing. There is nothing better than remembering that I am loved beyond what I could ever hope for or imagine not despite of, but because of, my flaws–that those are what God uses to speak to others through me.

I’ve had enough of not enough. It’s an illusion and the truth is that there’s enough for everyone, for all of us. We all have something to contribute, and my contribution is no less than anyone’s else’s. There is simply no comparison. The Lord made us all equal in His image, so comparing two different people is like comparing apples to oranges.

In my Communications class we talked about how power is granted, not inherent. This couldn’t be more true- I can either give others power over my life to implicitly or explicitly tell me if I’m enough, or I can give the power back to God (who, by the way, already has all the power) and believe what He says about me. Because He will never say differently, no matter how many times I stumble. I will always be His beloved, precious, daughter. And I always have the choice to see through the lens of abundance- to see all He has given me and done for me in the past, and to be grateful for what He is doing now.

God wants us to enjoy our life on earth to the full- not wait until we are disciplined enough or have our act together. He gives us abundance now. It’s just a matter of whether we see it or not.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” ~John 10:10 

Savor the gifts.

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insiders

alyssapebbles

Tonight I received a fresh insight from God as I worshipped at my church. I became aware that for so long I have lived my life as an outsider, used to being on the sidelines looking in, never quite at the center of the action or with the “in” crowd.

I have become so used to being lonely that I forget I even am.

I had built my identity around my differences- what made me unique, special, and different than everyone else. But focusing on differences can lead to isolation, and I’ve been down that road way too many times. We start to get comfortable with it, start to believe this is how it always will be–I will never be good enough for God to use me; I will never be on the “inside.”

And that is comfortable and safe for some of us.

Living into who we are called to be is so scary. It requires we shift our whole thinking about ourselves, it requires that we walk in victory.

“Every God-begotten person conquers the world’s ways. The conquering power that brings the world to its knees is our faith. The person who wins out over the world’s ways is simply the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God.” ~1 John 5:4-5 MSG

What scares me even more than being different is being the same. I think we sometimes take on these rebellious ways because we don’t want to adhere to the status quo; we want to be our own unique person, like no other. And God created us that way. He chose each one of us specifically to do the specific work that He calls us to. We are all parts of a body, and no two of us is the same.

And finally, God wants us to be united in heart and mind. We cannot be united if we are constantly pointing out our differences, or if we believe we don’t have what it takes to be in the “inner circle” of God’s kingdom. God calls us to confidence and a life without insecurity. He didn’t make you to be on the outside looking in; once you have given your life over to Jesus, life eternal is yours- you share in the victory!

It’s not that we earned our way to the inside or deserve it. It is a gift we have received- but that’s the thing…we have to actually receive it! And receiving something we don’t deserve is so hard. But as long as we don’t, we remain victims of own self-pity and the world around us.

Groucho Marx said these famous words:

“I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

I don’t know about you but I thoroughly resonate with that. I want to be part of Christ’s club, but I don’t want to bring myself and all of my inadequacy into it. I want to be a new self, and I want to stop worrying so much about that self so I can focus on Him.

The Good News is that that is exactly the club we are invited into: one where we bring our sorry selves but come out changed and new, free to live the lives we were called to live, without fear or self-consciousness but in full assurance and confidence of whom we belong to.

 

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stagnation

alyssapebbles

There are certainly times in our lives when we don’t feel connected to God- detached from our faith and unexcited about spiritual disciplines we were once so eager to participate in. I find that this typically happens during periods of my life (such as now) when things are generally going well and there is seemingly nothing to either praise God for or complain to Him about. This can be a very dangerous time if we aren’t careful.

As I count down the days before I get out of here and move onto my “new and exciting” life, I find myself falling into that trap of stagnation. Again, I am in the in-between phase, where nothing new is happening and I have a good amount of spare time. I don’t rely and depend on Him because I feel self-sufficient and in a sense, needless.

Yeah, right.

I know when I plunge into the next season of my life, my heart will need to be prepared, and God is using this season of my life for that preparation period. If I become complacent and close my heart off to what He has for me in this time, I will not be ready for what’s ahead. The next season of my life isn’t going to change me- the time is now. He is working and guiding and leading me now. Now more than ever, I must continue to abide in Him and be constant in prayer.

Sometimes the world looks so good, and I fear that I may want it and all the pleasures that come with it more than I want Him. But I know that the world will never satisfy my deepest desires but always leave me aching and longing. So while I enjoy those pleasures now (and certainly God blesses us with easier and more restful seasons in our lives), I don’t want to become reliant on them. I want to rely on God and God alone.

I am grateful to have this time and I will continue to try to be present while I’m still in Seattle, all the while looking joyfully and expectantly to what awaits me in the fall. He is trustworthy and He will sustain me.

“Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.” ~Proverbs 8:34