Tag: Jesus

thoughts

new hope

alyssapebbles

The end of the year always brings a sense of hopefulness about the year to come…especially after a particularly difficult year. This has been one of those years for me. In fact I could say 2023 has been the hardest year of my life– yet also the most refining and beautiful year in many ways, as I have seen my relationship with Christ grow through suffering and realized my ability to endure through his strength.

Although I’m far from where I want to be, I see how far God has carried me and I am believing that He has good things in store for 2024. We have already been blessed with a new home that we get to move into soon, and I have seen progress in my health journey, although still rocky. There are so many blessings all around me if I just have the eyes to see them, instead of focusing on what I lack.

It can be easy to become cynical, bitter, or fearful after hard things keep happening to you and it feels like you are being constantly pummeled by life. It can feel like the other shoe is always going to drop. It can feel dangerous to hope, because nothing ever seems to work out. Engaging these feelings has been a great temptation this year, and I still dwell in these mentalities more frequently than I’d like to admit.

But God has shown me that there is another way to view the future– through the lens of His love and providence. To trust that He is still good and working, even though life has been hard. That He is taking care of me through the hard things as He always has, and will continue to in the future. So even when the other shoe does drop (and it usually does, doesn’t it?), He will be right there with me. That gives me no excuse to be bitter or fearful anymore.

Although I still hope for fully restored health, I am learning to take it day by day and to celebrate the small victories (such as not being in pain at night!). It’s so easy to see how far I have yet to go, but I know God is asking me to just invite him into the here and now, to be content with what currently is because this is where He is. That He is healing and will heal me in His timing.

I am grateful to put this year behind me but I will carry its lessons into the new year and for the rest of my life. I don’t want to erase it from my memory or pretend it never happened, as painful as it was. I have learned to appreciate the small things so much more because of the suffering I have had to walk through, and God has truly changed my perspective.

While a new year does not magically change our circumstances or make us better versions of ourselves, it does give us a refresh, a restart, in a sense. Just as His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23), each new year brings new mercies. We can hold onto fresh hope in who God is and what He is doing. We can believe that this year will be better than the last, that the best truly is yet to come for us who are in Him.

Even if 2024 brings more hardship and pain (which it most likely will), we can rest in the promise that He continues to work in and through us and our circumstances. We can have a fresh perspective on pain and suffering, and begin to truly experience His peace and joy in the midst of it. We don’t have to be afraid because we know He is in control of every situation in our lives and in the world.

Our hope is not found in our circumstances. Our hope is found solely in Him, and because of that, we can rejoice because that means every new year He is with us. We can have hope because we don’t walk into another year alone, but rather with the One who loves us and is making all things new (Revelation 21:5).

So while I still have hope for things to change in 2024, I can rest knowing that even if they don’t, my true hope is secured forever in Him.

thoughts

staying in the hard place–where Jesus is

alyssapebbles

I’ve always been able to escape hard things. I grew up in an upper-middle-class family in the safe bubble of a quiet suburban town. I have two loving parents and was given everything I ever needed to be comfortable and happy: healthy food, a nice house, good schools, lots of family vacations… you get the point. I was never deprived of worldly comforts growing up, and other than the typical angsty teen years I never encountered true suffering.

I am so grateful I was raised that way. I am so grateful to my parents who worked so hard to give me and my brother everything. I’m grateful the Lord sheltered me from childhood trauma or abuse or poverty that so many people have had to go through.

But it made the entering the real world incredibly difficult. I had learned to expect comfort– to feel entitled to it even. So when it was stripped away from me, I had no foundation to make sense of what was happening.

Whenever things were hard growing up, I had my parents to fall back on– whether that was financially, emotionally, or anything else. I was a great dancer and I loved it but I wanted to stop dancing so I could spend more time with my friends, so my mom let me quit. I nearly dropped out of college because I knew I could just run home to them. I couldn’t hold down jobs after college because I knew I had a fallback. I never learned true resilience or grit. I never learned the art of sticking things out, even and especially when they got hard– because I didn’t think they were supposed to be.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

But then chronic illness entered my life. And in one short year I became both a wife and a mother. And I can no longer run from the hard. I can no longer call my mom to come save me from the darkness I face. No amount of money or emotional support can relieve me of the weight I now have to carry.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

But I’m learning that God can. And all He asks me to do is be still, and trust Him. To stay right here in the middle of the pain that feels like is stealing my best days from me, and trust that He somehow He is making beauty from even this. To stop frantically trying to heal myself or figure out ways to make my life easier or more manageable.

I can’t escape my own body and the pain I now experience daily, and I can’t escape being a mother to a strong-willed, smart toddler who knows how to push my weary mind and body to it’s absolute end. But I can let Jesus come and meet me in the middle of this mess of my life and give me a new perspective– one where my problems melt away in light of His presence.

Perhaps true resilience isn’t fighting against our circumstances until we have our way and our outcomes. Perhaps it’s simply accepting circumstances as they are– as painful as they are– and letting God do His good work. Not getting in His way with our striving and anxious efforts to free ourselves anymore.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 1:6

When I try to run away, I’m missing out on the blessing that is right here. The miracle that God is doing in me and in my life, through the pain. Through the suffering. When I stay right here and look to Him instead of a million other things to try to get out of my pain, when I quiet my heart and fix it upon His steadfast love, His power is unleashed. His story can finally begin to unfold unhindered in me, instead of the frantic one I’ve been trying to write.

His story is so much better than mine. Where I see only pain, He sees potential. Where I see only darkness, He is light.

Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:12

Would I rather keep trying to piece together all this brokenness in my own strength, trying to salvage something manageable out of it in sheer hopeless desperation? Or can I lay it all down before Him, the One who redeems all things and makes all things work for His great purposes?

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Maybe this story was never meant to be mine. Maybe it’s part of a greater story whose author is Love Himself. Maybe this story is all about His glory– and how glorious He is. I would be crazy to try to run from a story like that.

So when I wake up tomorrow and my body hurts and my son is screaming at me and everything in me wants to give up and despair, I want to choose to stay. To be present, and to be near to Jesus. To cling to Him with every breath, and to see Him working this all out for my good and for His glory.

I love the way Dr. Pardington puts it in the devotional Streams in the Desert:

The right thing is simply to trust God, for while we trust, He can work. Worrying, however, prevents Him from doing anything for us. If the darkness covering us strikes terror in our hearts and we run back and forth, seeking in vain to find a way of escape from the dark trial where God’s providence has placed us, then the Lord cannot work on our behalf. Only the peace of God will quiet our minds and put our hearts at rest. We must place our hand in His as a little child and allow Him to lead us into the bright sunshine of His love. He knows the way out of the dense, dark forest, so we may climb into His arms, trusting Him to rescue us by showing us the shortest and most reliable road.

I want to stop fighting and just be still, knowing that He is fighting for me. He hasn’t forgotten or abandoned me– no, rather He sovereignly allows every circumstance in my life because He loves me. Because He knows what kind of fruit it will produce in me, fruit that could be produced in no other way. He knows the harvest that is coming, however long it takes. His timing is not my own, but it is perfect.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

John 12:24-25

God is putting to death in me the things that were never meant to last: my pride, my idols of comfort and health, my hope in anything other than Him. Pain is peeling back the ugly layers of my heart. But the death of these things is what will lead to new life in Him. As a dear friend and mentor recently told me: I am like a seed that is germinating. Everything looks dark all around me as I am buried deep in the ground, but after I have died to myself, I will sprout up with new life.

Whatever kind of pain you are facing– give it to Him. Stop carrying it alone and stop trying to run from it. Face it head on with your Father who is for you and will turn it into something magnificent in your life. Lay down your own will and take up your cross. His way is better than you could ever imagine, and He will produce a harvest beyond your wildest dreams.

Maybe this hard place that I want so desperately to escape is the place right where He is.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
thoughts

mind over matter

alyssapebbles

I can change my reality based on how I choose to see it.

The Lord has been reminding me of the power of my mind. What I think about has a massive effect on every aspect of my health and wellbeing:

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he…

Proverbs 23:7

As a psychology major, you would think I would always have been aware of that. But through years of chronic illness I had all but forgotten about the power of my mind and my attitude. I convinced myself my negative attitudes were justified given my negative situation, but now I see that was the enemy slowly needling his way into my mind until countless strongholds were built that I am just now beginning to dismantle.

There is a very real spiritual battle for our minds, friends. There is a very real enemy trying to take us out by whispering lies that so easily feel like truths to us. But there is also a very real God who speaks the real Truth, and we can begin to listen to and believe Him.

Maybe it took this much pain for me to see it– there is no place for negativity, bitterness, self-pity, anger, or anxiety in my life if I expect to be well, if I expect to live into the promises of God. I cannot entertain these mindsets for a second longer. It’s a matter of survival.

When life is comfortable and easy, it seems like we can get away easier with these negative mindsets. Surely they make us more miserable than we need to be, but there are no serious implications yet. But when the rubber meets the road and you find yourself going through trials (which all of us eventually will), that same attitude can plunge you into an abyss you just may never come out of. The stakes are excruciatingly high.

I’m learning this the hard way, but learning it nonetheless. If I indulge myself in any amount of anxiety at this point in my life, my physical body immediately responds in pain. I simply cannot entertain anxiety anymore.

And the same is true for self-pity. All these years I’ve felt sorry for myself I have unknowingly dug myself into a pit of despair. The more I allow self-pity to take residence in my mind, the deeper the pit gets and the harder it is to get out. It is the worst prison to be trapped in–the prison of your own mind.

So what can we do? How do we change our mindsets and get out of these toxic, destructive thinking patterns?

The answer is simple and practical: the Gospel. God’s Word.

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

1 Peter 1:3-4

Everything we need to flourish is found in the word of God. As I study and meditate more deeply on Scripture, I have found this to be true. For every negative thought that comes to my mind, there is a scripture to combat it. It’s as if He knows every trap we can possibly fall into and has the remedy for each one.

The more I study His word, the more amazed I am at how nourishing it is to my soul. But the only way it can nourish my soul is if I renounce and release the lies that are currently taking up precious space in there. This is repentance– letting go of what is getting in between me and Him. And I’m finding that sadly there is a lot.

But I don’t have to be discouraged, because every day I am getting stronger. The progress is slow but it is happening. I am changing. I am becoming more like Him, as my mind is being renewed (Romans 12:2). And I am so, so grateful.

This change is possible for all of us, but here’s the key: you have to want it. You have to want Him and His ways– not your own. You have to be willing to surrender your engrained ways of thinking and be willing to think differently.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Sometimes we get so comfortable in our negativity that we are afraid of changing. We feel safe and protected by our negative mindsets; they keep us from taking real risks and having real hope, which could inevitably lead to hurt.

But the real danger is remaining stuck in the enemy’s lies. His goal is to steal our joy. We can never become all we were meant to be unless we learn to walk in truth, even when the truth feels completely counter to all we are experiencing.

It takes discipline and a constant returning to the Word if you really want your mind to change. You have to “take every thought captive” and hold it up to the light of scripture, to test if it is true or not (2 Corinthians 10:5). It’s hard work, but it’s worth it to experience the rest and joy of living in deeper intimacy with our Savior.

Changing my mind doesn’t change my circumstances, but it does change my heart. And that is what God is after. As we allow the Holy Spirit to align our minds with His, circumstances may or may not change, but it will no longer matter, because we have Him.

And when we have Him, we are free.

health, thoughts

in the midst: a choice

alyssapebbles

I have suffered from severe health anxiety for four and a half years now, when life as I knew it was flipped upside down in a small apartment in Santa Cruz, and I could no longer rely on a healthy body anymore.

There have been so many tears shed, angry words shouted, and dreams ripped away. There has been self-pity, bitterness, and despair of life itself. What is the point of living in a body so broken?

I have spent four and a half years fighting against my circumstances. Fighting against what I thought God had unfairly inflicted on me. Why me, God? Why this?

I have refused to see my health problems as anything but a curse– problems to be solved. I have put my entire hope into doctors, therapists, and anyone who claims to know how to heal me. I have put my hope into physical healing. I have idolized health as the ultimate goal of my life.

And finally, as my health problems multiply and seem to get worse instead of better, I have learned a secret:

The secret of acceptance.

After four and a half years, God has broken through to me in a way I can finally understand. That all this time He has not been absent– He has been very near. That in fact the very circumstances of my life and my health that I have rejected have been the ones that He has been using to draw me to Him.

Suffering has a way of doing that.

I think I’m only just beginning to understand it, but perhaps all this time this suffering has actually been a gift. Perhaps without it, I would never have had to rely on God deeply and develop the relationship that I have with Him now. Perhaps I would never understand the deeper realities of Him and His Kingdom.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:3-4

Maybe the goal is not to be the most comfortable and happy in this life. Maybe I’ve had it wrong all this time and it’s actually the suffering that refines me and helps me to see the greater opportunity of comfort and happiness in Him.

If this life is all there is, then of course we should try to make ourselves as comfortable as possible here. By all means we should pursue our own happiness.

But if there is more, if in fact we are only living in a shadow of what is to come– an eternity with the King of Love– then maybe, just maybe, this life is training grounds. And part of that training includes how we respond when life doesn’t go the way we want it to.

I’ve realized I’ve only compounded my suffering by the ways I’ve responded to it. And God offers a much, much better way: to run to Him.

Because He already knows. He knows my every thought, every single hair on my head. He knows this is not the way I would’ve chosen. But He has chosen this way for me because He loves me.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

What if there is so much more to my own story than I can see right now? What if all of this suffering is not meaningless, but is actually paving the way to a more glorious outcome than I could ever imagine? And even if I don’t see that outcome in this life, I have a guarantee that I will when I see Him face to face.

So whether or not I am physically healed, I can look forward to the new and perfect body I will have in Heaven, after I have run the race He has called me to. And for now, I can choose to see everything in my life– both good and bad– as blessings from His hand.

thoughts

when fear lingers

alyssapebbles

As I find myself in yet another season of anxiety, I wonder why I am here again. Why I can’t seem to get a grip on reality and just relax. Why I can’t just trust God in my heart, even though my head knows that He is trustworthy.

My anxiety is twofold as it manifests both physically and mentally, one affecting the other in an endless loop. The most recent fun thing is the chest tightness and pain. Am I having a heart attack? Or is it just the anxiety? All you hypochondriacs out there feel me. It doesn’t help that I have overwhelming health anxiety from my chronic illnesses that already takes up way too much mental space.

I can play these dangerous mind games and be convinced by Google that I am dying, OR I can look hard at my fears and wonder if they are really worth fearing.

We just got back from the trip of my dreams to Ireland– a delayed honeymoon that was supposed to happen during Covid but never did. I honestly didn’t think we would be able to go after having our baby and finances being relatively tight, but the hubby gave us the green light and we got to go to the place I’ve always wanted to visit.

And the whole time, I was anxious. Anxious about the flights, anxious about being away from my baby for so long, anxious about dealing with my health issues in another country…the list goes on and on. I still enjoyed our time there, but underlying the whole trip was a deep-seated dread that still hasn’t fully gone away.

Satan tries to convince me these fears are rational– there is so much to be afraid of, after all. Planes go down, people get terminally ill, tragedies happen all the time. Maybe if I worry enough, everything will be alright. Maybe if I grip the armrests of my plane seat tight enough, the plane will stay in the air. Maybe all this worrying will give me some semblance of control in a world that feels absolutely. out. of. it.

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:27

That’s what fear really is, isn’t it? A desire to be in control. We wouldn’t be fearful or anxious if we didn’t want or need things to be a certain way. If we trusted a good God to handle all the outcomes in our life, there would be no room for anxiety. It simply wouldn’t be able to exist.

I don’t want to say that anxiety is as simple as a lack of faith, but in a sense it is. In a sense, it is a choice. It is the choice to trust in ourselves instead of God. But if we profess to be Christians, we have no reason to fear. Death itself cannot separate us from Him.

Anxiety manifests when our hopes and desires are misaligned. If my hope is in my health, my family, or financial stability, I have every reason to fear because I could lose any of those things in a moment. But if my hope is in Him, I can have true peace regardless of my circumstances.

It still takes my heart a while to catch up to these truths, but the Lord is patient with me. He keeps inviting me to His rest, His peace. He keeps loving me and holding me even as I give into my fears and let them overwhelm me. He won’t give up on me. He knows my weakness, and He asks me to give it all to Him. To let Him transform my mind from fear to faith. From anxiety to peace. From despair to hope.

You can’t talk yourself out of anxiety but you can talk to Him. You can cast all your cares on Him, because He cares deeply for you (1 Peter 5:7). You can tell Him everything on your heart and mind, everything that is burdening and weighing you down, and He will listen. He will hold you and remind you of His love for you. He will give you renewed hope and joy. He will give you peace that surpasses understanding.

This world truly is a fearful place– we should expect it to be. But that doesn’t mean we have to be afraid. Satan only has dominion for now, and only the dominion that God lets him have. This is not the end of the story, friends. We have great hope not only in eternity, but even now.

There is no quick fix for anxiety, but rather a slow re-learning of mind and heart patterns that have been deeply engrained in us over the years. Just as anxiety is a learned thought pattern, we can learn trust. We can begin to train our minds to focus on what God says about us and the world when the anxious thoughts start creeping in. We can reject the thoughts that don’t serve us anymore, and claim God’s truths. Over time those truths will become instinctual– our immediate inner responses to the circumstances in our lives.

We have to be in the Word to do this. We have to memorize His promises so that they are available to us in every moment of fear. And we have to fellowship. We have to be with other believers who will listen and care for us, and remind of us of the truth when we forget– which we will.

It is a lifelong battle, but it is worth it. We are not meant to live in fear.

thoughts

lacking nothing

alyssapebbles

Why is it so hard to find contentment, to be fully present in my current reality with nothing but gratitude in my heart?

Why, when God has given me everything and more, do I still long for something else, for what’s next? As if He is withholding something from me, as if I am not yet complete in Him in this very moment?

No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

Psalm 84:11

I suppose it’s our miserable human condition– to always want more. To overlook everything good and perfect and right and see only what is lacking. To live in scarcity instead of abundance.

A year ago I couldn’t have fathomed the blessings that God has poured out on me. How generous and loving He’s been, how perfect His timing has been in my life. And yet, instead of appreciating those blessings and the Blesser Himself, I am focusing on what I still lack or what else I want– like a spoiled child.

Maybe the things of this world were never meant to satisfy us like He can. Maybe in all our searching and seeking and hoping for certain outcomes, we are turning away from the One who has already given us the best outcome of all.

I don’t want to live in this self-created hell of misplaced desire anymore. Desire for money, for a forever home, for perfect health. My desires enslave me; they hold me captive. I wake in the morning and think not of God but rather scheme about how I can obtain them. How did I fall so far?

But He understands. He doesn’t condemn. He created me– he knows I’m broken, that I can never love and desire Him as He deserves to be loved and desired. And He urges me to come home, to make Him my one true desire. He reminds me that He will take care of everything I want and need when I seek Him first.

And He wants to transform my desires. To help me see that the things I desire aren’t even worth desiring at all– in the end all is in Him. These temporary, worldly pleasures will not last. Health will not last. A job will not last. A home will not last. When I seek after these things and make them idols in my heart, I am replacing the One who can fulfill me with things that will never fully satisfy.

I want to be one who is so engulfed in her relationship with Christ that I can’t even see or think of anything else. To be so fully absorbed by Him that all my cares and worries, desires and temptations, hopes and dreams just melt away and I am completely content. Completely free to let Him bend me to His will and desires for me.

I don’t need to seek after my own gain anymore– there is One who has already given me everything.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33
thoughts

coming out of the woods

alyssapebbles

Little guy is four months old now and I am praising the Lord that I truly feel like we are out of the woods of the craziness of the newborn season. It almost feels like a distant memory now–all those sleepless nights, panic attacks and profanity-filled prayers. I don’t know how we made it through but we did. A season that felt like it would last forever has finally passed, and so much quicker than I ever could have expected. The baby sleeps through the night and the hormones have settled and life actually feels joy-filled once again, with a new kind of joy that only a baby can bring.

But there is a part of me that is afraid. Afraid of sinking back into that pit of despair. Afraid that the ball will drop again.

The hard seasons of life have taught me to be skeptical about the good ones. I’ve become jaded enough to expect something to go wrong when things are going right, searching for the dark clouds in a suspiciously blue sky. I wish I could just enjoy the sweetness without anticipating the sour. To embrace the present without worrying about what is to come. But life has trained me otherwise. Life wants me to become a cynic, to expect and plan for the worst. And it has a way of sounding so convincing and logical, so practical and wise–especially with the news headlines these days and the increasingly chaotic and divided state of the world. Perhaps “life” is really just a pseudonym for Satan, who would love nothing more than to see us live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. But that is not the way of faith.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:34

God has a different way for us. He doesn’t allow us to go through hard things to “weather” us or to beat us down. He’s not trying to break us simply for the sake of seeing us suffer, to “teach us a lesson,” or to keep us on our toes. No, quite the opposite in fact. He breaks us in order to make us more whole. Like the pot that is more beautiful once it has shattered and been glued back together by the potter, until we are broken (and accept our brokenness) we can never know true wholeness. A wholeness that isn’t achieved by us trying to put the pieces back together ourselves, but rather by the Potter Himself. He has certainly done so to me through this thing called new motherhood. I had no idea how broken I could be and yet how whole I would become by going through the fire of the early postpartum days. My old self had to be broken in order to become the new mother that my little boy needs–but that breaking process is always a painful one.

The things that He broke in me were things that needed to be broken anyway, regardless of becoming a mother: selfishness, stubbornness, an illusion of independence and an entitlement to my time and needs first. Having a baby was simply the circumstance He used and is using to break me in this season, but He can and will use anything in our lives if we let Him. The choice is not whether or not to be broken (because we will be), but rather whether we allow Him to remake us or try to remake ourselves. It is the classic choice between bitter or better. And I want to choose better.

In these good days with my precious boy, I want to soak it all in. I want to enjoy the stage we are at now where he is cuddly and adorable and so much fun to be with. I want to think only of the now, the beautiful and sacred now. Because, in reality, that’s all we have. Future worries or hopes cannot be clung to, because they may or may not happen. But right now, I have a wonderful family and a roof over my head and life is good. And if the ball drops again (which it will), God will give me the grace to endure it, as He did through the newborn season and every season before that.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

thoughts

a new mom’s (honest) perspective

alyssapebbles

We are almost three weeks in to my little one’s life, and everyone wants to know:

How are you?

And as I have tried to answer that question for myself, all I can honestly say is:

Exhausted

Overwhelmed

Depressed

Anxious

But those are not the things people want to hear. Those are not the things I am supposed to say when we have just been given the biggest blessing of a sweet baby boy.

Don’t get me wrong–I love the little guy more than my very own life. And that’s what makes it so damn hard to feel the things I’m feeling. Every time I look at him a flood of guilt washes over me for feeling this way.

To be honest, I feel like my life is over. Or at least, my life as I knew it. All the freedom and independence I had has been stripped away and my days are now relegated to feeding, changing diapers, sleeping, and repeating in an endless, crazy-making cycle. I am at my baby’s mercy. Any semblance of a schedule is gone–planning my days is nearly impossible now and simple things like keeping the house clean or going out for a walk are now incredibly difficult. On top of that, the sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones contrive together to ensure I can’t process any of this in a normal state of mind. What is this thing called motherhood? It’s so much harder than I ever could have expected or imagined. No books or classes can prepare you for this.

My heart is grieving the loss of what was. When things were easier and I could come and go as I please. When I didn’t have a tiny human who depended on me for survival, while all I can do is try to survive myself. When I could make a schedule. When I was in control.

And I realize that’s what this is all about. That’s what it’s always about: control.

I want to be in control of my own life. I want my will to be done. My way. And this baby was not my will. This was not my plan. And yet here I am, responsible for this precious little life, and as always, I have a choice. I can either keep wishing things were different, or I can accept that this is the charge God has given me. This is the gift God has given me. Often His gifts don’t feel like gifts, until we look back and see how He used them to change us. To make us more like Himself. I can’t say I have that perspective yet, but I’ve seen Him do it in the past with the hardest of my circumstances, so I know He can do it again.

Motherhood is an endless giving of self. It is a death to self. I have such a newfound respect for all the mamas out there, and hope I can be half as good as them as I figure this all out. But for now I’m still in the grieving process, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my son. It doesn’t make me a bad mother. These feelings are normal. And I’m allowing myself to feel them right now, despite what the world wants to see. Despite what other moms portray on Instagram. I’m bringing these thoughts and feelings to God, and we’re working through them together. I’m taking it one day, one moment, at a time, and trusting that it’s going to get better.

thoughts

surrender

alyssapebbles

So…we have mold.

And I’m angry.

In fact, I’m furious. I don’t understand WHY God would allow this to happen. Again. Right before our baby is due. I want to blame someone, I want to kick and scream and cry and punch a wall. I’m so mad at God and I’m so mad at myself for allowing us to get into this situation. But most of all I feel…helpless.

Completely out of control.

And I hate being humbled in this way, back on my knees.

But I realize I have a choice–I’ve come to a crossroads. I’m weary and exhausted and I can choose to let this all consume me and ruminate in my anger and entitlement to a clean living space and MY plan for our life, or I can surrender. I can actually still choose to trust God, even in this. Even though it’s still confusing and I don’t know the implications of any of it yet, whether we will be able to keep living here or have to move out, I can just. trust.

Maybe it’s easier said than done, or maybe it can actually be easily done. Maybe it is just simply a release, a final surrender of my own will to His. Fighting is so tiring. I’ve been fighting for so long and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Maybe it’s easier to finally just wave the white flag and say “You take this.” Maybe this is what He’s been wanting from me all along and He uses these circumstances to shake me into awareness–I have no control.

None. Zilch.

No matter how much I have planned or prepared or hoped or prayed, things don’t go my way. No matter how much I try to control outcomes, they don’t turn out the way I want. So why keep forcing it and being so sorely disappointed? Why not just allow Him to have His way?

I recognize my anger comes from a sense of what I deserve, but God never promised to give us what we deserve. He promised to give us what we need.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Friends, our foundation is shaky if it rests on anything other than Christ. Anything you have been counting on can be taken from you at any moment–health, friends, family, your job…whatever you hold you dear cannot be what you depend on.

We have to depend on Him alone. I have to, or I will be so utterly destroyed.

I can kick and scream and cry and be rude to customer service people but at the end of the day He’s God and I’m not. All I can control is the way I respond to the circumstances He gives me. And I have to be willing to take both the good and the bad from His hand. He has given me so, so much good–who am I to question what I deem the “bad?” I don’t understand what He is doing but I don’t have to. I just have to keep trusting and believing that His heart for me truly is good and that He is indeed going to provide for me.

Sometimes we can’t understand what it means to truly surrender until we are put in situations where we are forced to, where we realize our own weakness and futility. These are the pivotal moments in our lives when we decide who God really is and if we really, actually trust Him. I’m choosing to trust Him, because I see no other alternative.

thoughts

life to the full

alyssapebbles

In this hopeful and beautiful time of year, when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the new life we have in Him, I can’t help but still feel broken. And not entirely like a new creation yet.

I wanted to do a post on the promise of Easter and the hope of spring using flowery and colorful language, but I’ll be honest: this past week has not been filled with hope for me. Instead it’s been filled with anxiety, doubt, health problems, and a keen sense of defeat.

I don’t feel the victory. I don’t feel the promise.

But the good news is: it doesn’t matter what I feel. It matters what He did.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

He came so that we could have life to the full.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I am fully living. I feel like I give myself so many excuses not to live fully– my health issues, my fear of the future, lack of money, lack of opportunities… etc. But if I’m not living fully now, will I ever? If I don’t learn how to accept my circumstances as they are and trust that Jesus is with me in all of this, how will I ever be able to do that when things get harder, which they inevitably will?

I have been so convicted by my own attitude. By my own willingness to throw in the towel when life gets hard. I read stories of others who have gone through so much worse than me, and yet instead of encouraging me, these stories only add to my guilt.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be rejoicing and grateful for what I DO have.

But it’s like a disease- the disease of discontentment.

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to grieve and lament your hard circumstances. In fact, I’m saying the exact opposite- grieving before God is the only way to move through them. We are going through Lamentations at my church, hearing about the incredible grief Jeremiah endured and how he cried out before God. That was godly, and that was good.

I’m saying that we have to trust God in our circumstances, ESPECIALLY when they are difficult. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we trust God when everything is going our way. Only when the trials come do we find out what our faith is really made of. And I’m finding out, once again, that mine is rather flimsy, and very much based on feelings.

Maybe the key to the abundant, full life is not things going perfectly. Maybe it’s living fully where we are, despite how we feel. And trusting that God is going to use all of these hard things for our good. And maybe we need to stop looking around at everyone else and thinking that they are living perfect lives, because that only compounds our own sorrow.

What if we are all struggling? What if there are secret pains and sorrows that we all carry, and yet we portray our lives on social media as if we we weren’t? I know I’m guilty of this. And it’s not wrong to post the good things, but watch what you allow your mind, and your heart, to consume. As I’ve allowed myself back onto social media, I’ve seen the ill effects on my mind again. I don’t even think we realize how much we’re influenced, how comparison is so engrained into our beings.

My life doesn’t look as good as hers, so therefore I am lacking. I am less than, inferior, a mess.

That’s my own inner dialogue, but it’s not what God is speaking to me. But if I don’t take the time to listen and work through my pain with Him, this is what I turn to. This is the easy fix and escape- although it’s not really an escape at all but rather a trap. And I find myself falling into it again, and again, and again.

I don’t think the answer is get rid of social media, but rather to use it wisely. To use it to connect with others, but never, ever, to compare. I have one life to live and living it fully looks different than it does for anyone else. We each are unique and have a subsequently unique story to live.

So, if you are struggling this Easter to feel the joy of what Jesus has done for you and feel like you may be too broken to fix, remember this: nothing in your life is accidental, and you are still invited to the full life right now, in the midst of it all. Though you can’t see it right now, He is working all things for your good, and if you partner with Him in it instead of resisting and questioning and doubting Him, you will see beautiful fruit. I’m in this with you. Life is hard and it probably won’t get easier, but we can let it change us for the better. We can let Him change us for the better. All He asks for is our willingness to trust Him.