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choice

alyssapebbles

Sometimes you find yourself in a place where you have two choices: keep going or give up. To keep going feels impossibly hard, but to give up feels equally painful.

What do you do?

God doesn’t call us to easy things, but He does make a way where we don’t see one. If we will just continue to say yes to Him and His promises, He will not let us down. We may not see immediate effects, but the fruit will come.

In times like these, I have to rely on Him alone. He uses so many people to speak into my life and fill me with truth, but ultimately it is my decision. My decision to believe what He says about me, to take hold of His promises for me- to take ownership of the circumstances He has given me and be a good steward. My decision to take up my cross and follow Him, whatever may come. And then, when my own strength fails (which it does all the time), His strength will come into me. I cannot rely on myself- my feelings are fickle and always lead me astray. But HE is reliable. HE alone is my salvation, and HE guides me into abundant life. 

When fear and anxiety are taking over and consuming you, DO NOT GIVE UP. Do not let those voices win. Listen to your Father- He loves you. His voice is not hurried or rushed, fear-arousing or anxiety-producing. His voice is calm and graceful, trustworthy and true.

Let His love define you. Let His love shape you. Let Him take care of you, and make you well. In Him we find healing, truth, and rest.

Rest in Him. He will provide and you will not be disappointed.

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invest

alyssapebbles

Starting new things is always fun and exciting and easy- in a sense. The adrenaline that comes from newness can sustain you to a certain point, until the burnout hits hard and reality slaps you in the face. As someone who has big dreams and little follow through, I feel convicted by God in the new place He has put me.

He wants me to invest myself here- in relationships, in the work I do, in how I take care of myself, and in the way I live my life for Him. I can no longer have a divided heart. He wants my full attention.

As I have already been pursued and invested in since coming to this beautiful place, I know He calls me to pursue and invest in others. I know what it is to be served- now I am called to serve. 

We can masquerade behind half-truths and shallow interactions with others, always keeping our distance for fear of getting hurt, or we can allow ourselves to be fully seen and fully known. Yes, that does open the door to potential pain and heartbreak, but it’s so much better than over-protecting your heart until it becomes weak, fragile, and cold.

Deciding to stay here was a risk, a daring step towards the freedom God has for me. I was disobeying Him by running away from this opportunity, because He brought me here to shine His light through me. If I withhold what I have to give, I cannot be given to. Just as we must receive before we can give, we also must give before we can receive. It’s a two-way street.

There is still so much uncertainty and unknowns, and I feel my heart pull away from what can feel like intense exposure, but I know it is better to risk than to hide. I’m tired of hiding and running- it’s exhausting and never worth it.

Wherever you find yourself, no matter how imperfect the circumstances (or the people), be there. Be all in, be present, and allow yourself to bloom where you’re planted. With God, you can always flourish if you will lean in to the community of believers around you and allow yourself to be healed. Instead of waiting for things to be just right, enter into the mess and start living. There is abundant joy and life for us if we will just commit ourselves to Him and the people around us that we are called to minister to.

Don’t let fear and inadequacy ever hold you back. Run the race set before you.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ~Hebrews 12:1

 

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messy

alyssapebbles

It’s so easy for me to see all the ugly, chaotic, crazy messes in the world- and most especially in myself. Life is so complicated and confusing and there are always a million different things running through my head and my heart, not to mention everything else going on with the people around me and the world.

We are complex, intricate creatures in a complex, intricate world. There is no right or wrong, up or down, left or right. It’s all relative and about perspective and how in the heck are we supposed to order this mess of our lives?

God has shown me that in the mess there is beauty– in fact, in the mess, there is Him. When everything is spiraling and we can’t see clearly and our hearts are troubled and we are looking for answers in all the wrong places, He is calling to us as our solid rock.

As our order in the mess.

As our calm in the storm.

As our simple in the complicated.

Life doesn’t have to be so messy if I keep my focus on Him.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ~Matthew 6:33

When we focus on trying to control the mess or fix it, or perhaps (in my case) try to run away from it, only a bigger mess will be made. We cannot fix this world (or ourselves) in our own strength- it’s all God’s doing. My trying to fix my own mess is a result of my lack of faith and trust in Him. He is the great Healer, Physician, Handyman- the ailment to all our ills. HE is the one who does the work, and OUR job is to trust Him to do it instead of taking it into our own feeble and incapable hands.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside us helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. ~Romans 8:28 MSG

Sometimes God wants us to sit with Him in our mess until we can no longer bear it- He needs to show us what we’re doing to ourselves and those around us until we HAVE to make a change- or else we will continue to deteriorate inside and out. Although this is incredibly painful, it is the way He brings us closer to Himself and closer to who He wants us to be. When we come to Him in humility with our burdens and our failures, He doesn’t scold us, mock us, or shame us. He forgives us and sets us free.

How grateful I am to have a Father who meets me in my mess- and who wants to take me out of it. It is amazing to know that my story and my past, my choices and my failures, don’t define me; that HE alone does. That He’s taken away my sin and my shame and set me free to live the life worthy of my calling- to experience the abundant joy of living in a broken world as a redeemed person, continually pouring out my brokenness and messiness to Him, who can handle all of it. In return He gives me life and wholeness.

He can handle all of it: every single little messy thing about you. Everything that doesn’t fit with who you think you’re supposed to be, everything you try to hide and avoid, everything that’s secretly killing you on the inside. He will never flinch or turn away or abandon you- He doesn’t see you as a sinner but as a Saint. 

Please hear these words. I am in awe of who He is and what He is capable of; that He could set someone like me free- someone who struggles every day to know and live into my identity in Him. If He loves me that much, there isn’t a person in this world He can’t save with His unconditional love.

No mess is too big for God.

 

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identity

alyssapebbles

Times of transition can be the most challenging times of life- especially when the transition continues and circumstances have not settled. As I go through yet another transition, I feel myself in limbo.

I’m having an identity crisis.

My whole life has been planned up to this point. All I’ve known is school- my identity was in being a student. And I knew how to be a good student; or at least how to live the student life (a.k.a. get by with good-enough grades and spend the rest of my time doing what I want to do). Honestly, that’s how I’ve lived my life up until now.

So now that I don’t know what’s next or what lies ahead, I feel like I don’t know who I am- or what to put my identity into.

This is the perfect time to look to Christ.

When I don’t know what my next week is going to look like, I can look to Him and let Him guide my every footstep, my every breath. I surrender it all to Him- He will show me where I need to be.

I have fallen in love with this community and with Santa Cruz, which, by the way, translates to Holy Cross. I know God brought me here for a reason- just not the reason I thought. He usually operates that way, keeping us guessing and running back to Him for answers. He hasn’t given me one yet, but He has made me aware of the deep healing and cleansing He wants to do in me. As my shame, pain, and self-worth issues have resurfaced through this experience, I am running back to my Creator to remind me of who I really am.

And after I find out and rest in who I really I am, I will know where to go.

God is a protector and provider, and He places our character, our righteousness, above all else; above all circumstances and relationships and locations and jobs and the things we hold so dear and important. He wants us, our whole selves, and nothing less. If He has to knock everything else out of the way to get to us, He will.

Because He loves us.

I have nothing to hold onto but Him- I am His and He is mine. Knowing that, I have nothing to worry or fear going forward. I can step into the journey ahead with confidence, even when problems and issues arise, as they always do. I don’t need to be timid or afraid; I don’t have to hold back my personality or pretend to be someone I’m not. I am finally free.

He will make a way where I don’t see one. I am His child, His beloved, and He will bring me to completion in Him.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. ~Romans 8:28 MSG

I love the song “Nothing I Hold on To” by Will Reagan- it speaks to how desperate we are for Him and how much we need Him when we can’t see the way:

I lean not on my own understanding

My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven

I give it all to You God

Trusting that You’ll make something beautiful out of me!

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

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free to be me

alyssapebbles

God never wants us to be someone we’re not- He created us as we are for a reason, even if we sometimes feel like a complete and total mess or mistake. We never need to pretend to be someone else.

Easier said than done.

When I look around, I get so caught up in everyone else. I get caught up in the lives of the people around me- what she is doing and where he is going and how successful she is. I become so absorbed in their lives that I forget how to be my own person (Hint: this is called codependency, and it’s a beast.) How everyone else seems to be living their lives to the full while I am over here standing still and paralyzed- feeling lost, confused, and left behind.

Now, I know this isn’t true and we are all on our own journey. There’s no use in looking around and feeling like a failure because guess what: most everyone else is doing the same thing. We all see from our tinted lenses; mine just happens to be the lens of perfection.

If she is good at this, I must be better or else I am worthless. 

If he doesn’t like me, there must be something wrong with me.

Why do I keep chasing this unattainable goal, try to be this person that I never can be?

God’s grace is enough.

While I still don’t understand exactly what God is doing or the path I am supposed to be on, I know that He is a loving Father and He does not punish us: He confronts us with the things that need to be confronted, and then He heals us. He wants us to get well, to become more whole, to become more like Him.

The more we become like Him, the more we become fully ourselves.

I don’t want to be who others think I should be, or even necessarily who I think I should be. I want to be who God says I am, and live fully into that. I still need to figure out what that means, but I know that I am a work in progress and looking outside of Him for answers isn’t going to get me anywhere.

A great blogger I discovered wrote these words:

Your calling is meant for you, not everyone else. Everybody may not get it, and that’s okay. It’s not for them. They weren’t designed for this. You were. God didn’t place it in their heart. He placed it in yours. If we left the purposes and plans of our life in the hands of people, our entire life would be conformed to what people want to see instead of who God made us to be, and that’s just no way to live. ~Brittney Moses (http://brittneyamoses.com)

As I pray for clarity and discernment, the Lord will sustain me and show me where to go next as He reveals more and more of His plans for me, which are so enwrapped and intertwined with my identity and personality. Through trial and error, challenges and failures, I become closer and closer to Him, and therefore closer and closer to myself.

I go forward in courage, empowered by His grace and love for me.

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when it feels impossible

alyssapebbles

God’s strength is enough for us.

Do I believe this? Not always. Sometimes I become so painfully aware of my own weakness that I cannot see past it to our God who is our strength in our weakness.

It feels so heavy. The fear and the uncertainty of my life here consumes and overwhelms me- the enemy’s grip is strong on me as I feel my life and energy sucked right out.

How do we fix our eyes on Him and trust through the darkest times, when we’ve lost the will to fight or to believe that He really can redeem and restore all things? When we’ve lost confidence in ourselves and in our God?

I don’t have the answers. I’m still in the mess of it- still trying to understand why God has brought me here and His heart for me. It’s confusing and scary.

I usually like to end my posts with something hopeful and uplifting, but what I’m learning is that it’s okay to sit in the mess and not have encouragement or inspiration right away. My  heart feels heavy right now and that’s okay.

What I do know is that I’m not alone and that He is with me in this. That whatever you are facing- you are not fighting this battle alone. Ever.  You may feel as alone as you’ve ever felt, and you may be tempted to isolate yourself, but remember that that is what the enemy wants: he wants to get us alone and afraid. He doesn’t want us to realize how loved and supported and understood we are, how deeply we are actually known and cherished. Because when we know that, we are receptive to all that God has for us and can live into His will, which is the enemy’s worst fear.

I will not give up this battle, but I can’t do it alone. I surrender all this fear, shame, and self-doubt to God and trust that He’s doing something through all of this pain.

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rhythm & rest

alyssapebbles

When I try to be everything for everyone, I burn out so quickly.

We are not made to please others. We are made to please God. 

The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? ~Psalm 118:6

It’s so easy to take on other people’s burdens and baggage and get carried away, forgetting our center is in Christ and Christ alone. Our relationship with Him comes first, and then comes our relationships with others.

I always have to catch myself when the bitterness, resentment, and cynicism begin to fester inside of me- that’s when I know something is off. I am not getting that refilling, replenishing time with the Lord, my Father and the God who loves me. I’m letting what other people say about me dictate who I am; or rather, what I believe others’ perceptions of me are.

I am not my mistakes, I am not my sin. I am free and beloved in Christ.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. ~Romans 8:1

Sometimes the voice of perfection is so loud that I can hardly hear God over the noise. It makes me feel smaller and smaller as the anxiety takes over. I call it “shoulding” on myself.

“You should be smarter.”

“You should have done that differently.”

“You should be better than you are.”

You get the picture. The “shoulds” become so strong that they drown out the “ares.”

My Father:

“You are loved.”

“You are precious.”

“You are safe.”

and

“I AM ENOUGH.”

My best friend gave me a necklace before I left with the Maya Angelou quote on it: “You alone are enough.” And it’s true, He is. When I can’t see the way before me and am desperately trying to cling on to everything and everyone but Him, I feel a severe lack-and an intense exhaustion and burnout. But when I go to Him first, I am reminded that He is a good God who cares for me and meets me in my deepest longing and pain- and that it has to start there.

It has to start with Him.

When I come to Him first, He will order my life- I will find my own personal rhythm with Him. We don’t need to move at the pace that everyone else does or expects us to; each of us has our own relationship with Christ that calls us to unique ways of being. There is no comparison.

And finally, He calls us to rest. To be with Him. To sit with Him. To know Him. Life is messy and crazy and if we don’t find time to be alone with Him, we will spin out of control. Life apart from God is no life at all.

It’s easy to perform- it’s so much harder to trust God with our authentic selves and let Him shape us as He desires instead of forcing our own way.

I always go back to this one:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

Don’t let the burdens overcome you- we have a Father who is willing and able to take those burdens so we can live freely and lightly.

Let go.

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community

alyssapebbles

As I am plunged into this new and vibrant community, I am reminded of why God holds community, communion, so dear. Without community- without people around us intentionally and adamantly pursuing our hearts and our growth, and people that we in turn can support and love- we cannot experience the true love of Christ.

com·mun·ion
kəˈmyo͞onyən/
noun
  1. 1.
    the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level. ~Dictionary.com

Coming from a huge faith community in Seattle where I could hide behind anonymity if I so wished, this experience has been rather jarring. The accountability that comes with a smaller circle of believers has already made me question the decisions that I make and the motives in my heart.

There is no hiding here.

As someone who likes to run away from her problems (California–>Seattle–>California, you get the gist), coming into a place where everyone already knows my name is weird. People can see me here. It reminds me of where I grew up- the smallness that sometimes felt suffocating- and the desire to escape it. Oh, I hid back then. Hiding is so much easier than being known.

But what I’ve found here is not like where I grew up. The community is welcoming, embracing, and loving. I have already felt pursued and reaffirmed that this is where I am supposed to be. I know this place will hold me to a higher standard, and in doing so will bring out the very best in me. That’s what a good community does- stays with you through thick and thin, and helps you hold on when you can no longer do so by yourself.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

The teaching at my new and beloved church yesterday was precisely this: we cannot do this alone. As much as I have cultivated my independence over the last few years, buying into the individualistic culture our society tells us good and right, I know that I was not made for aloneness. Love can only be perfected when it is practiced, and it cannot be practiced alone. We need others to find fulfillment and lasting satisfaction- we will never be happy on our own, because we weren’t created that way. We are made for relationship, first and foremost with Christ, but also with our brothers and and sisters in Christ:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as  yourself.’ ~Matthew 22:37-39

I never thought I would be living in community again, but God had other plans (as He usually does). I can’t wait to see how He uses this year to continue to shape me into the person He wants me to become, and uses me to speak into the lives of others. I feel utterly privileged and amazed at His providence in my life.

I don’t deserve the incredible people that God has surrounded me with, but I accept them as gifts from the good Giver who sees me, knows me, and loves me.

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not my will

alyssapebbles

Sometimes God asks us to do the hardest things- to surrender our own desires and wills for His. In fact if we are truly following Christ, we have to be daily willing to die to ourselves so that we may be filled with His life. Otherwise we are simply cutting ourselves off from Him and won’t be able to receive the glorious gifts He wants to give us.

God wants all of us, the whole and totality of our beings, and nothing less. When we let things, ideas, jobs, careers, family, friends, and relationships become our priorities- our idols- over Him, He is not pleased. When we try to make things work in our own power instead of His, we are destined to fail.

This is one of the hardest truths to absorb: Not my will, but His.

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? ~Matthew 16:24-26 The Message

Jesus Himself had to come to this agonizing point when He knew of the looming death that was ahead of Him, and He cried out to God:

Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine. ~Luke 22:42

Sometimes we push so hard for our own way because we are so terrified of giving it up to God- of what the outcome will look like. But when we are walking with the Lord, we don’t ever need to be concerned with the outcome. If we trust and know that He is who He says He is, we are free to surrender our lives before Him and know that whatever happens will ultimately be for our good- even if it doesn’t make sense right now. We can let go of our own wills and take up our crosses.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~1 Peter 5:10

God never leaves us in the dark- we may find ourselves there for a while, but it is through the trials that we grow and are strengthened in Him.

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challenge

alyssapebbles

As I begin this new season of my life and settle into the new rhythm of the culture and people around me, I find myself spinning a little bit.

This year is going to challenge me- that’s one thing I know for sure, amidst all the other unknowns. The uncertainty and fear that comes along with major life transitions can be overwhelming and all-consuming if you let it. I’ve experienced this enough times in my life now that I have better footing this time (or have more tools in my toolbox as my wise mama would say), but it doesn’t make it any easier. You don’t realize how much you’re going to miss something until it’s gone. I feel my eyes brimming each time I am reminded of the life I just left; yet looking forward in anticipation of what’s to come.

I also find myself at moments discouraged: familiarity is so comforting. New is hard. Especially when it is all new: new place, new people, new culture, new community. So much excitement all at once can blow a girl right over–even if all of it is good.

I know that this is the time when what I’m truly holding onto becomes evident—when all I have left to cling to is Jesus Himself, the one who knows me inside and out in a place where I don’t yet feel known by people. Friends come and go, but He remains with me. Changing circumstances can shake our world, but they also cause us to run to our Rock and Redeemer, who will always walk with us through our challenges and hardships.

God brought me to this place for a reason, and I trust Him with what is to come—even when it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know everything is going to fall into place, and I am grateful for this time of transformation. I have to let go of the old to make room for the new things that God wants to do in my life this year. Even in the midst of the uncertainty, I know there is joy ahead.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. ~ Hebrews 12:1-3 (emphasis added)