Category: Uncategorized

It feels surreal to me that my time in college is over, especially since I am in the in-between transition until my internship starts on Wednesday.

Saying goodbye was not easy. The friends that I made in Washington are friends that I know will last a lifetime, which is why it was so much harder to let them go. God truly blessed me with amazing friendships and taught me what is healthy and what is not. I am so grateful to know this going forward.

While I still don’t know exactly what lies ahead, I don’t feel the panic that I typically feel in transitionary times. I feel out of sorts and supremely exhausted, but unafraid. I know this is the Lord’s plan for me and therefore His hand is on me.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Let the new begin.

Abundance is one of my favorite “spiritual” words, because it doesn’t simply mean abundance in the worldly sense of having more than enough; it refers to the abundant life God offers us: a life far beyond our wildest imagination and craziest dreams. He wants to give us His whole heart in exchange for our weak and petty visions of our life. He never wants us to settle.

We can turn into zombies of Christ if we’re not careful- saying the right things, doing the right things…but the life in us is gone. The excitement we once had for Jesus’ radical hold on us has been exchanged for resentment and half-hearted devotion. Once the life is gone, what’s the point? Then I am taken back to those horrible, awful feelings of never being enough. I can try, try, try, but nothing I do will ever be good enough, nothing I am will ever be good enough. This is the mindset of scarcity, and scarcity is a scary thing, as I learned from one of my favorite authors- the great Brené Brown. In a mindset of scarcity, we are constantly looking to others to compare ourselves to, to see how we measure up. We don’t believe we have value unless we are better than; so naturally, we find many sources which tell us we are nothing. Just check out your Facebook feed and see how you feel after seeing picture after picture of pretty people living pretty lives. What you don’t see is the not-so-pretty parts of their days- when they first get up in the morning, when they get in a fight with their boyfriend, when their dog throws up all over the carpet…you get the picture. We have an image of the people around us that is based on what we want to see, what the world wants to see, instead of what actually is. Basing our self-worth on what others around us think we should be is fickle and frail, and based on lies.

Instead we have to look to God for our identity and security; it comes from Christ and Christ alone, and if we look to Him, we find that He has actually placed within us more than enough to live the life He has called us to. We may not think we are pretty, smart, kind, tough, ____________ enough, but He made us just as we are and can use us just. as. we. are. And He delights in us- He sees us as absolutely beautiful creations. If only we could believe that about ourselves, and about each other!

This is a lesson I have to learn over and over again and each time it is gloriously refreshing. There is nothing better than remembering that I am loved beyond what I could ever hope for or imagine not despite of, but because of, my flaws–that those are what God uses to speak to others through me.

I’ve had enough of not enough. It’s an illusion and the truth is that there’s enough for everyone, for all of us. We all have something to contribute, and my contribution is no less than anyone’s else’s. There is simply no comparison. The Lord made us all equal in His image, so comparing two different people is like comparing apples to oranges.

In my Communications class we talked about how power is granted, not inherent. This couldn’t be more true- I can either give others power over my life to implicitly or explicitly tell me if I’m enough, or I can give the power back to God (who, by the way, already has all the power) and believe what He says about me. Because He will never say differently, no matter how many times I stumble. I will always be His beloved, precious, daughter. And I always have the choice to see through the lens of abundance- to see all He has given me and done for me in the past, and to be grateful for what He is doing now.

God wants us to enjoy our life on earth to the full- not wait until we are disciplined enough or have our act together. He gives us abundance now. It’s just a matter of whether we see it or not.

Tonight I received a fresh insight from God as I worshipped at my church. I became aware that for so long I have lived my life as an outsider, used to being on the sidelines looking in, never quite at the center of the action or with the “in” crowd.

I have become so used to being lonely that I forget I even am.

I had built my identity around my differences- what made me unique, special, and different than everyone else. But focusing on differences can lead to isolation, and I’ve been down that road way too many times. We start to get comfortable with it, start to believe this is how it always will be–I will never be good enough for God to use me; I will never be on the “inside.”

And that is comfortable and safe for some of us.

Living into who we are called to be is so scary. It requires we shift our whole thinking about ourselves, it requires that we walk in victory.

“Every God-begotten person conquers the world’s ways. The conquering power that brings the world to its knees is our faith. The person who wins out over the world’s ways is simply the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God.” ~1 John 5:4-5 MSG

What scares me even more than being different is being the same. I think we sometimes take on these rebellious ways because we don’t want to adhere to the status quo; we want to be our own unique person, like no other. And God created us that way. He chose each one of us specifically to do the specific work that He calls us to. We are all parts of a body, and no two of us is the same.

And finally, God wants us to be united in heart and mind. We cannot be united if we are constantly pointing out our differences, or if we believe we don’t have what it takes to be in the “inner circle” of God’s kingdom. God calls us to confidence and a life without insecurity. He didn’t make you to be on the outside looking in; once you have given your life over to Jesus, life eternal is yours- you share in the victory!

It’s not that we earned our way to the inside or deserve it. It is a gift we have received- but that’s the thing…we have to actually receive it! And receiving something we don’t deserve is so hard. But as long as we don’t, we remain victims of own self-pity and the world around us.

Groucho Marx said these famous words:

“I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

I don’t know about you but I thoroughly resonate with that. I want to be part of Christ’s club, but I don’t want to bring myself and all of my inadequacy into it. I want to be a new self, and I want to stop worrying so much about that self so I can focus on Him.

The Good News is that that is exactly the club we are invited into: one where we bring our sorry selves but come out changed and new, free to live the lives we were called to live, without fear or self-consciousness but in full assurance and confidence of whom we belong to.

There are certainly times in our lives when we don’t feel connected to God- detached from our faith and unexcited about spiritual disciplines we were once so eager to participate in. I find that this typically happens during periods of my life (such as now) when things are generally going well and there is seemingly nothing to either praise God for or complain to Him about. This can be a very dangerous time if we aren’t careful.

As I count down the days before I get out of here and move onto my “new and exciting” life, I find myself falling into that trap of stagnation. Again, I am in the in-between phase, where nothing new is happening and I have a good amount of spare time. I don’t rely and depend on Him because I feel self-sufficient and in a sense, needless.

Yeah, right.

I know when I plunge into the next season of my life, my heart will need to be prepared, and God is using this season of my life for that preparation period. If I become complacent and close my heart off to what He has for me in this time, I will not be ready for what’s ahead. The next season of my life isn’t going to change me- the time is now. He is working and guiding and leading me now. Now more than ever, I must continue to abide in Him and be constant in prayer.

Sometimes the world looks so good, and I fear that I may want it and all the pleasures that come with it more than I want Him. But I know that the world will never satisfy my deepest desires but always leave me aching and longing. So while I enjoy those pleasures now (and certainly God blesses us with easier and more restful seasons in our lives), I don’t want to become reliant on them. I want to rely on God and God alone.

I am grateful to have this time and I will continue to try to be present while I’m still in Seattle, all the while looking joyfully and expectantly to what awaits me in the fall. He is trustworthy and He will sustain me.

“Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.” ~Proverbs 8:34

One C leads to another. Our society is geared around consumerism: I can have what I want right when I want it whenever I want it. Instant gratification: I want it NOW. Hungry? Grab some McDonald’s. Anxious? Watch a funny TV show on Netflix. Bored? Do just about anything you want, granted you have the money. We are slaves to our desires.

I grew up with this. It’s what I know so well. And it’s why I can see how damaging it is- the damage it’s done in my life and the damage it’s doing in all our lives.

I would rather check Facebook first thing in the morning than open God’s word. I would rather spend too much on some trendy health food than cook a meal at home. I would rather do just about anything but practice the spiritual disciplines I need to in order to abide in Him. Because it’s all just so much easier.

“Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.” ~ Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas

I think the worship of comfort is one of my biggest downfalls, and I know I’m not alone. I grew up very comfortable, and in fact quite entitled to that comfort. Hard work was not something I was too familiar with and the repercussions show themselves over and over. Without work and effort, nothing good or fruitful can be produced. We keep trying to take shortcuts, but they are shortcuts to nowhere.

“What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? 17 So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead… You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone.” ~James 2:14-24 ESV

Sometimes we fall prey to the Grace-license script: God forgives me for everything I do so therefore I can do whatever I want and His grace will always cover me.

I mean, yes, it’s true… but God never wants us to stay where we are. When we choose comfort and worldly goods over His kingdom, we are choosing the far lesser of the two; in fact there is not even a comparison. We are choosing mud instead of diamonds and rubies. But we do it all the time and expect some long-term satisfaction that worldly comforts can never give us.

Sometimes God calls us to be uncomfortable. Sometimes He calls us to take a risk. As the pastor at my church adequately put it tonight: Sometimes His will doesn’t align with our desires. And we have a choice to obey or rebel.

I don’t want to rebel anymore, because nothing I do apart from Him produces fruit in my life. The shortcuts leave me feeling unfulfilled and empty. I’m ready to take the long and winding road.

How wonderful it is when amazing opportunities come our way and we are blessed with direction and purpose. Now given the opportunity to serve in a ministry internship in Santa Cruz, I feel the weight (or rather lightness) of this blessing full force, and I am so excited to see what lies ahead.

“So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.” ~Isaiah 30:18

After this season of waiting and testing of my patience, I have finally received an answer. Just when uncertainty had reached its maximum discomfort in my soul, I was revived with a new hope for the future. God is so good to those who wait on Him.

Patience is not one of my strong suits. Going through the month-long process of applying for this internship was difficult for me, as I had to wait and trust in the Lord’s provision, rather than get the quick and fast answers that I like. I had to come to the point of being okay with either outcome, knowing that whatever happened it would be for the best, but this point was not easy to come to. Every part of me wants to cling on to each new opportunity as the salvation of my life- as the thing that will get me to where I want to be. And that inevitably leads to immense disappointment. Every time.

Even when I have gotten those opportunities that I so desperately wanted, they never turn out how I expect. I think knowing that now will enable me to have a new perspective and an open mind going forward.

I am so grateful that God has given me this direction, and certainly feel His victory in this time, but I know that I will need to continually rely on Him for what’s to come. Now more than ever I must allow Him to change and sculpt me into who He needs me to be for my future service in His kingdom. These kinds of opportunities granted can lead to pride if we’re not careful, and so I go forward with a humble heart, expectant not of what only I will gain, but of what He will do this next year, and what He is already doing to prepare my heart.

You never know what’s around the corner. Be alert, be expectant, and be joyful!

I have always longed to be beautiful, and never quite felt like I was, except in rare, indescribable moments. I was made with a longing for beauty, but I have sought it in the wrong places, in the wrong ways. I have always longed to surround myself with beauty- my friends, my home, my clothing, my music. Beauty is something we all seek, and we all have different standards and definitions of what we deem beautiful.

God created us to seek and respond to beauty, because He is ultimately the most Beautiful:

“The one sitting on the throne was as brilliant as gemstones–like jasper and carnelian. And the glow of an emerald circled his throne like a rainbow.” ~Revelation 4:3

We are made in His image, so therefore we are beautiful too.

We have a tendency in society to define beauty in a certain superficial, one-dimensioned way. It’s culturally determined and has nothing to do with actual, true beauty, the unique and incredible beauty that God bestows on each one of us. But as we humans always do, we try to fit beauty into a box: thin, white, blonde, curvy, blue eyes, muscular, tan…etc. I think this is so detrimental because it strips us of the ability to see what is actually beautiful, which is everything that God created. No manipulation necessary.

A baby’s laugh.

The quiet mornings with a cup of coffee and the hope of a new day.

A woman who looks worn and disheveled, without any hair, but has won the battle of cancer- and the cancer of the soul.

Truly beautiful people are not ashamed of their flaws and don’t try to hide them. Truly beautiful people are joyful and kind and gentle and their beauty has nothing to do with their looks- although beauty does spread from the inward out. You can have the blondest hair and the bluest eyes but if your soul is cold and empty you cannot be beautiful.

Beauty lasts, and beauty can be sustained. Eating disorders kill. Pills become harder to swallow.

Why do we keep chasing this lesser beauty, this beauty that’s not really beauty at all but actually ugly? I just keep praying to God to train my eyes to see differently, to see real beauty and honor that beauty. I think it will make looking in the mirror and finding another pimple a little easier.

We don’t get to choose our family, and sometimes they can mess us up real good. Or they can bring out the very best in us and make us who we are today. I think my family has done both, and I think yours has too.

Spending time with family is a great way to practice those fruits of the spirit: patience, gentleness, grace…etc. Sometimes our families drive us absolutely up the wall and we are tempted to overreact. It’s easy to fall into old patterns with family, but completely life-changing and transforming to develop new ones. To redeem those interaction habits that once seemed irredeemable and see your family from a new perspective with the lens of experience and understanding.

Going away to college is a good thing. I had no idea what kind of bad habits I had developed until my rug of safety, comfort, and security was yanked out from under my feet. I didn’t even know how to do my own laundry- no joke. My habits were entitlement, laziness, and a distinct notion that I was the center of the family and everyone catered to me. That can happen when you’re an only child for seven years. But I learned that not everyone is going to adore me the way my mom does, not everyone will be as easy to manipulate as my brother, or care about my success and achievements as much as my dad does. It was a hard lesson, for sure, but I am so much more independent and better for it.

Reentering old situations with a new lens is a beautiful metaphor for the transformation that takes place within us as Christ followers. We can’t expect our families to change, but when there has been a change within ourselves, our families will notice and it will make a difference. My mom always tells me how watching me go on my faith journey has inspired and ignited hers, and for that I give all the credit to Christ.

It’s never too late too mend old wounds, and it’s never too late to become new. Don’t let the past define your future, and don’t let it keep you away from those you love. God gave us our families for a reason, and no matter how messed up yours is, He had a purpose in the way you were raised. The battles we overcome make us stronger, especially those battles we have to face from our past.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” ~Colossians 3:13