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dying to live

alyssapebbles

In the world, life precedes death- but in the Kingdom, just the opposite is true.

After death, there is resurrection. This is what we base our hope on as followers. Death to ourselves and our sins, so that we may find our lives in Him:

If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it, but if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms.

~Luke 17:33 MSG

This is perhaps the most excruciating, yet liberating part of following Christ: we must die to ourselves and surrender it all to Him. I think of all the little daily things I am not willing to surrender, let alone the big things. But He wants it all- He wants all of us.

In the Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer describes this process at length:

For this God-above-all position is one not easy to take. The mind may approve it while not having the consent of the will to put it into effect. While the imagination races ahead to honor God, the will may lag behind and the man never guess how divided his heart is. The whole man must make the decision before the heart can know any real satisfaction. God wants us all, and He will not rest till He gets us all. No part of the man will do.

This process is a painful one, to be completely honest. When we were new believers, just starting to get to know Christ, it seemed easier- He wasn’t yet dealing with our deeper sins and heart postures, but rather just drawing us close to Himself. He wooed and enchanted us with His grace and mercy, with the beauty of His creation, and the new and fulfilling Christ-centered relationships we made within the body. We were “on fire” for God; the passion was ablaze, and we were ready to completely submit and surrender our lives to whatever His will may be for us. After living for so long without Him, following Him was a fresh, cool drink of water.

But then He calls us deeper.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

~Psalm 47:2

He begins to ask us to do harder things, to give up more than we ever thought He would ask of us. The process of maturity is initiated. We can no longer live the way we once did before we began following Him. We aren’t fulfilled by the same things, aren’t satisfied or comforted by the things we once were. We find that we have to keep going back to Him, abiding in Him constantly, or we seem to fall apart. The stakes are higher- we feel like there is more to lose by turning away. We become more aware of our own sin and the ways we fall short, more desperate for Jesus to cleanse us and make us new. We are tempted to despair of our own brokenness, but He offers us a different way.

He brings us to the brink of ourselves, so that we realize how dead we are without Him.

And then, only then, can we take up our cross. After the flesh has been starved, the Spirit can be fed. We begin our new lives in Him, completely rid of ourselves.

This takes discipline and practice. It takes courage and commitment, patience and grace. He calls us to our highest selves- holds us to the highest standard. He is a consuming fire and the closer we get, the more our old selves will burn away. He refines us and shapes us to be like Him, to become righteous in his sight.

This is what we sign up for when we decide to follow Him. It’s not the easy life- He doesn’t always take away our troubles and give us comfort; in fact, that is rarely His way. Rather, through testing and trials He teaches us obedience, and as we learn to obey Him more and more because we know He has our very best in mind, we will find life to the full. Just when you think it is the end, it is actually the beginning of something new and beautiful.

We no longer have to fear death, because Life always emerges out of the ashes.

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big

alyssapebbles

In my own head, I make my world small.

I let fear rule my thoughts, emotions, and actions.

I let lies become truth, and my courage dissipates.

My hope evaporates, and I’m left despondent and confused.

What happened?

Where is God?

How did I get here?

How did I let my life become so small, my heart so cold? How did I let fear become my reality, so that it’s difficult to get out of bed in the morning and face the pain of the day?

I stopped trusting. I lost faith. I forgot my God.

My God who can move mountains. My God who can make a way in the wilderness, make a way where I can’t see one. My God who would never let me get in the way of His glorious and wonderful plans for my life. My God.

He is still good. He is still faithful. He hasn’t stopped loving me because I made my world small- because I let the prince of darkness become my new master. He knows I am not control. He knows the condition of my heart and the endless circles my weary little mind runs in to try and do what only He can.

He sees me. He loves me. He forgives me. And He sets me free.

Free to leave the past behind. Free to move forward in hope and confidence, knowing that I am fully His and nothing I could ever do will change that- no failure is so great that He is not greater still. And He can actually use our failures to change us and develop our character, to make us more like Him.

I cry out: “How, God, how could you still want me?”

He replies: “You are mine, daughter. Stop running and hiding. Run to Me- Hide in Me.”

The shame is over. The regret is behind us. There is only forward, only here and now. We can wallow or we can be washed.

And He is with us.

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possibility

alyssapebbles

With the new year just ahead of us, the potential for new beginnings are fresh on all of our minds and hearts. We love the idea of possibility– the notion that anything can happen. It is a liberating feeling, and yet, at the same time, it is just that- a feeling.

As someone who constantly looks to new things, new opportunities, to fulfill me in ways that only God can, the new year brings me a different sort of hope. It brings me a hope for the possibility of healing, the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness. The possibility of growing closer to God than I ever have before, and trusting Him to direct my life in radical ways.

The new year, for me, is about a new beginning with God. It is about letting go of my old self and embracing the new creation that I am in Him. Sure, He started the process long ago, but I know in this new year He will continue it in a new way. 

He is always showing up in new ways:

See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

~Isaiah 43:19

We become stagnant in our faith when we forget that what He offers us is never the same, that it is so much more exciting than we ever dared dream. We become stagnant when we aren’t ready to say yes to Him in bigger ways- not when we become bored with our faith. Stagnation is a failure to risk more for His sake. If we are not swimming upstream with Him, we will only make backwards progress.

When we become comfortable in our lives and don’t see a need to change, there is a problem. Walking with Jesus is a dynamic, ever-changing experience and the further we go with Him, the more we realize how much farther we have to go. We see the possibility of all we can become in Him, and that fills us with joy and determination to press on:

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

~Philippians 3:14-16 The Message

He is our inspiration- our Muse for all of our future endeavors. We know that with Him, anything IS possible, but only with Him. Not on our own terms.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:13

This new year does hold more possibility for me than I have ever known. But I know that if I cling to that possibility instead of to Christ, the road will lead nowhere. However, if I allow Him to be a part of my hopes and dreams and invite Him into all that comes next, there is no way I will fail.

Put your hope in Christ, for with Him all things are possible.

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leave what’s heavy behind

alyssapebbles

I think the theme song for my life right now is “Heavy” by Birdtalker. The lyrics resonate heavily (hah) during this continued season of uncertainty and painful moments of regret:

If you’re lost and you’re lonely
Go and figure out why
Take a trip to your darkside
Go on and have a good cry
Cause we’re all lonely
Yeah we’re all lonely together

Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind
Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind

If your face is down
Take a look around
Do your fingers move?
Do your lungs inflate?
Are you tired are you weary
Of the hidden hate you’ve been holding?
Did you lose that love?
Or have you never had it?
Are you feeling sad cause you did a bad thing?

Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?
Only way to lose that fearful feeling
Replace it with love that’s healing
Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?

I think the biggest obstacle to forward progress is dwelling on past mistakes- letting them bully you into believing you can never change, or worse, you don’t deserve to change. To change and grow would mean to actually be freedom, and you can’t possibly have that after all you’ve done, right?

The enemy is especially tricky with this sort of thing- rumination, stagnation, and paralyzation. If he can stunt our growth and keep us stuck in our past sins and mistakes, he knows we won’t be able to grasp onto our bright future with God and all that He calls us to be. We will continue to relive the past over and over again. We don’t even realize we have a choice.

A choice to let go.

A choice to be forgiven.

A choice to be washed clean.

Why else did Jesus come?!

God reaches into the depths of our despair and regret and He doesn’t shame us. He doesn’t wag a finger and say “I’m so disappointed in you. Why didn’t you do better this time?” He knows us better than we know ourselves; He knew what decisions we were going to make before we ever made them, and He is not surprised. He is not staring incredulously at us, wondering how could we ever keep messing up so badly when we claim to be followers of Him.

Not at all.

He only ever looks at us through eyes of love. He is gentle and patient with us, forgiving us as many times as we need to be forgiven. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he needs to forgive someone who hurt him, Jesus replied:

I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

~Matthew 18:22

He never gives up on us- even when we give up on ourselves. Our pain is His pain. He hates to see us suffer the consequences of our sin over and over again. He wants to offer us freedom and new life from that. When we are so afraid to come to Him because of our shame, He can never do the work He wants to do in us- He can never heal us from it. We are terrified of punishment, and yet by holding ourselves back from Him that is exactly what we will continue to face. When we actually lay it all down before Him, He does this amazing thing:

He forgives us.

And He begins to heal the wounds.

But we have to let Him see them. He won’t condemn us- whatever we don’t bring into the light will.

Why do we run anywhere else to find healing? Why do we expect any other thing to satisfy and fulfill us? God is the only one who can carry the burden of our shame and regret, so we have to leave what’s heavy with Him, or we will be crushed under the weight of it.

Then He can begin to do a new thing in us.

Forget about the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

~Isaiah 43:18-19

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undeserved grace

alyssapebbles

It’s so amazing how our Father lavishes us with things we don’t deserve and didn’t earn. It astounds me.

The more we are stripped away to our barest and most desperate selves, the more we realize how much we really don’t deserve anything we’ve been given, and therein lies the essence of grace. We can finally see clearly- none of this was from ourselves. It has always been Him.

The grace of my Father couldn’t be more palpable than in this season. As we come close to the time of celebrating Jesus’ birth, I am reminded of how His death led to my own birth. How I could never be free if it wasn’t for what He did.

But because He died, and rose again, I don’t have to walk around in chains anymore. The sins of my past have no hold over my present or my future. The shame I have become so used to carrying is no longer my burden to bear. He took it- all of it!

So simple and so pure- He gave His life for mine. For me. For you. We need to live in that reality, and no other.

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trust revisited

alyssapebbles

In January I wrote on the subject of trust, and after re-reading that post I am inspired and similarly challenged today. Trust is so central to our faith that we must constantly strengthen ourselves by trusting Him.

In case you haven’t read it, here it is:

https://alyssapebbles.wordpress.com/2017/01/29/trust/

This verse, written on a piece of paper stuck on my mentor’s refrigerator, has captured me in this uncertain season of life:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

~Proverbs 3:5-6

I’ve not known such a season of testing my trust as this; my whole life had been planned out thoroughly up to this point. I realize this is an incredible time of surrender- to really and truly allow Him to dictate my forward motion and guide me into the rest of my life in ways that I haven’t allowed Him to before. I’m so grateful I don’t have to have it all figured out. It seems He’s put me in this spot to reveal truths about His character that I never would have discovered otherwise, had things worked out the way I had planned. In the uncertainty and unknowing, He is there.

I love the way Eugene Peterson writes these Proverbs in The Message:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;

don’t try to figure out everything on your own.

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;

he’s the one who will keep you on track.

Don’t assume that you know it all.

Run to God! Run from evil!

I’m also reminded of this verse:

In their hearts humans plan their course,

but the Lord establishes their steps.

~Proverbs 16:9

I am so grateful to have a Father who knows what He is doing, but He does have one stipulation: that we be wholeheartedly devoted to Him and no one or nothing else. As someone who likes to keep her options open and is easily thrown from one thing to another out of fear of commitment and consequences for actions, I am convicted by these verses in James:

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

~James 1:6-8

It’s never Jesus and. It’s only Jesus. It’s easy to be enticed by shiny, new things- new ideas, goals, careers, friends, churches, material things, especially during a season of possibility, where anything can happen. But we must remain focused on Him, and bring every decision and choice into the light of His word. If we are “double-minded” and can’t commit to something for fear of missing out on something else, we will end up with nothing. You can’t be a “lukewarm” Christian- that is not being a Christian at all.

In a Bethel sermon I recently listened to, Kris Vallotton talked about creating an “ecosystem” of Christ in us, so that we are not so easily conformed to whatever environment we happen to be in, molding ourselves to situations instead of allowing Christ to mold us through our situations and circumstances. He touches on a Scripture which I also frequently go back to:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

~Romans 12:2

His way is a straight and narrow path, and only few enter it (Matthew 7:14). We have to seek first His kingdom, and then everything else will be added to us (Matthew 6:33). As long as I am consistently nourishing myself with His word and His truth and trusting Him with my fears, joys, and pains, regularly letting Him transform me from the inside, I cannot make a wrong decision. The only wrong decision is to let fear paralyze us and lead us astray, stopping us from stepping into His story. Stagnation is the opposite of growth- and the enemy to our faith. He will use whatever decisions we make, as my mentor so adequately put, as long as we are committed to Him in our decisions and not wishy-washy…and then even if we aren’t! Even if we feel like we’ve made too many mistakes or missed the boat, it is never too late to begin anew, trusting Him completely going forward. He will wash away the sins of our past if we come to Him, and help us to live transformed lives.

This is a scary ordeal. This requires faith. This requires trust. This requires letting go of control and facing the truth about ourselves (as despicable as it may sometimes be), allowing God’s consuming fire to burn away all that is displeasing to Him to become more of who we were created to be.

And in that is freedom.

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contentment

alyssapebbles

I am always convicted, especially during this time of the year, of my lack of gratefulness. While the season of Thanksgiving encourages us to look at all that we have been given and be grateful, I find it a particular challenge in the current circumstances I face- leaving an internship I thought I was going to find fulfillment in and feeling disillusioned about my future.

Discontent has marked much of my life: I suffer from a serious lack mentality. For almost as long as I can remember growing up, I was not satisfied with what I had- always looking at what others possessed, whether material items, talents and skills, physical appearance, social status…etc. I remember being very materialistic as a child and envying others much of the time. It’s always been so much easier for me to focus on everything that’s wrong and missing in my life, constantly comparing myself to others, than focusing on the blessings God has given and is giving to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a four on the enneagram… or because I was an only child for seven years. Whatever the reason, the discontent I feel can be so frustrating and make me feel so selfish for not being able to appreciate all that He has given me- because He has given me so much. It’s a matter of training my eyes to see it, to see Him in all His glory and His dwelling inside of me. In Him, we already have enough- there is no lack. Paul’s words provide a source of encouragement and hope for me during this time:

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:11-13

I can either look at my life and myself as a failure, forever doomed to be unsatisfied and unfulfilled, or I can choose to see my life through His lens. I am finally at a place where He can use me however He pleases, unhindered by anything. My future is wide open, which is both terrifying and impossibly exciting. That in itself is a gift.

While the discouragement and disillusionment can come in palpable waves at times, I know He is in control of my life and is allowing this season to happen for a reason. I have to find my satisfaction in Him alone, because right now I don’t have anything else- everything is shifting and changing and there is no stability but in Him. If I allow Him to change my perspective, I will be able to be grateful for where I’m at, for this time of self-discovery, healing, and revelation. I know most people don’t get this kind of time in their life, so instead of feeling guilty for it and wishing my circumstances were different, I can see the blessing and take advantage of it, using it to grow deeper in my relationship with Him.

Contentment is a choice, not something we can only feel when our circumstances are just right- because they never will be. Just as we choose to follow Him each day, we can choose to allow Him to be enough for us in this day and see the blessings all around us.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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the good and giving father

alyssapebbles

Sometimes it is so hard to believe that God truly wants to bless us- that He is good and faithful and trustworthy and never desires bad things for us. Yes, He sometimes allows us to suffer for growing purposes, but that is never His ultimate goal for us.

He wants to give us good things.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

~James 1:17

I think many of us have been trained up in this guilt-complex (whether inflicted by the church, authoritative and demanding parents, or self-inflicted) where we can’t accept the blessings that God truly wants to give us because we believe we don’t deserve them. And it’s true- we don’t deserve them, yet we need to learn to freely accept them.

In this continuing tumultuous and uncertain stage of my life, God has reached out His hand and given me an opportunity which feels too good to be true. It feels like something I don’t deserve. I am attacked right and left with my mistakes, failures, and shame as reasons that I can’t accept these blessings and instead must pay for my deeds (a.k.a. live in punishment and mourning until I have, so to speak, “earned my keep.”) Truly this is what the enemy tells me.

Yet God’s voice is still there. He is still with me. He still has hope for me and still wants to fulfill His promises to me. How can it be? How can He know my deepest insecurities, shame, and sin, and still want to be with me, or even near me?

I know the depravity of my own soul. Sometimes the weight of the shame I carry feels so incredibly heavy. It feels like my duty to carry it- the weight of my sin. But so much of this weight I was never meant to carry- once we confess our sins and repent to our Father, we are free to no longer be burdened by those things. But sometimes I choose to continue living under that burden, for no reason other than in some twisted way I think I am honoring Him in my groveling. My mom calls it false humility. It could also be defined as wallowing…

But He doesn’t want us to wallow. We are not meant to live in a constant cycle of attacking ourselves and feeling inadequate- feeling like we’ll never amount to anything or that our future is hopeless. It’s simply not: but it is if we don’t cling to Him.

However, once we have chosen to align our hearts, minds, and wills with His, we are free. We can seriously step into that freedom the moment, the very second, we turn back to Him. It’s absolutely unbelievable, and explains why it is so hard for us to grasp this freedom. It really seems too good to be true…that’s why it’s the good news! We have to claim it.

Part of that freedom involves freely receiving- allowing Him to give us the good things He wants to without questioning Him. As long as our hearts are more in love with Him than anything or anyone else, we can stop being afraid and expecting the worst in every situation, or believing that we are going to screw things up all the time.

S.J. Hill, in his book Enjoying God, writes a chapter on happiness, and how happiness and holiness are not opposites but in fact synonymous when we find our complete happiness, satisfaction, and joy in Him. He writes:

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. In other words, the greatest way we can glorify the Father is by enjoying Him and finding our ultimate happiness in Him.

Like, He actually wants us to be happy! He doesn’t punish us for our sins- that’s why He sent His son to die. How much it hurts His heart when He sees us acting as if that didn’t happen, as if He didn’t offer that ultimate sacrifice for us. That’s what we are doing when we walk around in perpetual shame- acting as if His grace and forgiveness don’t exist and He is not a good father who loves and forgives us, who sets us free.

Stop breaking His heart. He loves you so much, and nothing you can do or will do will ever separate you from that love. Allow Him to bless you.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died- more than that, who was raised to life- is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution of famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8:31-39 (emphasis added)

Please take hold of these promises. He is so faithful and trustworthy through every season, even the darkest ones. Let Him hold you close and fill you up in the deepest way so you can finally let go of everything holding you back and step into the life for which you were created.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!

~2 Corinthians 7:9

Our future and hope is found in Him. We do not have to settle for a less-than life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”

~Jeremiah 29:11-14 (emphasis added)

Be encouraged. This is our calling: to live the abundant life and bear fruit.

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waiting

alyssapebbles

Patience is very difficult for me. I love to jump on exciting opportunities when they come my way, like an eager child waiting to open the first gift on Christmas morning. My heart can barely stand to wait.

Because of this tendency, I have found myself in some very challenging, and sometimes even dangerous, circumstances. My excitement can lead to impulsivity, which can end in disaster. The delay of gratification is such an important concept in psychology that they found in studies where little children were told they would get a second marshmallow if they waited to eat the first one, those children who waited were exponentially more likely to succeed in life: career, family, overall happiness. This is a powerful study, and convicts me right down to my bones.

While I have learned so much through the decisions I’ve made, I think through it all God has been whispering to me to slow down. Instead of rushing into decisions out of fear, He desires for us to wait on Him- not passively, but actively seeking His guidance and wisdom in all that we do before making those decisions- especially the big life ones.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. ~Psalm 27:14

Changes in circumstances will never fix us. I read this appropriate passage in my devotional this morning:

God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you. Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, “I’m going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.” All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don’t ever have to think they are unnatural or unique. Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them. ~Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest)

I can either look at my experiences and circumstances as stumbling blocks and be constantly looking for ways to make things better for myself, or I can see how He is using all of these situations to form what matters most: my character. Everything is fleeting but our hearts.

As I enter into this next uncertain season of my life, I know it will be a season that requires patience and actively waiting upon the Lord. As much as I desire to know exactly what’s next, I don’t- and that’s scary. This is the first time in my life I have ever not known. I am in the in-between, and it is tempting to despair. But God promises me hope and a future in Him:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

He is faithful and will not let us down. In times and uncertainty, fear, and hopelessness, we can be certain of His unfailing providence. Even when I don’t trust myself or find myself in the darkest of places, I know I can trust Him to bring me through. Even when I feel like a failure, He will not fail me. The process that we are undergoing is a lifelong process of transformation, and this. takes. time.

This takes patience and perseverance in the waiting.

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anchor

alyssapebbles

I get so lost in groups of people. I can so easily forget who I am and mold into whoever I am with, become what they want me to be.

I have a hard time holding my own- being confident in who God made me to be and being my true self in all situations. I know I’m not alone in this.

God’s put me in a place where I am constantly surrounded by people- I live in a house with people that are part of a larger community where I work, and my job is to be around large groups of people. It can feel really exhausting when I don’t know where I stand with others and am constantly trying to seek my worth in others. People-pleasing is the most tiresome work.

Don’t get me wrong: people are affirming and kind and loving and supportive. So many people have spoken into my life here and I have seen transformation in myself because of it- but people cannot be my only source of affirmation.

First and foremost, I must get that affirmation from God, and God alone. He alone knows me inside and out:

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before  word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. ~Psalm 139:1-4

God knows the deep ache in my soul in a way that no one else ever will- He knows all the conflicting feelings and pain and confusing thoughts that run through my head. He knows exactly what I need, even (and especially) when I don’t. People can’t know that.

I’m reading a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, two Christians who understand the importance of setting boundaries for ourselves, especially in the church where those boundaries can become so muddled in the name of good Christian servanthood- denying yourself and taking up your cross. They talk about when we need stronger boundaries and when we need to loosen our boundaries. As someone who has problems setting boundaries with others and getting sucked into life-draining situations that I never intended to be in, I am so refreshed to read their words and take ownership of my own life, which God has called me to steward. He allows things into our lives not to defeat us, but to challenge and call us to action, both in His strength and the strength He gives us. I don’t want to be a victim to my circumstances, floating around with no anchor.

People will always have expectations of you, but you cannot let disappointing them stop you from being you. You have to get your worth from God alone- He will tell you who you are and you will be able to rest in Him if you continually go back to Him as your source of worth. He will use people in your life to speak through, but people are fallible and simply human. No one knows what you truly need but Him.

Get quiet and listen to what He’s saying. His words are life.