Tag: fear

thoughts

when fear lingers

alyssapebbles

As I find myself in yet another season of anxiety, I wonder why I am here again. Why I can’t seem to get a grip on reality and just relax. Why I can’t just trust God in my heart, even though my head knows that He is trustworthy.

My anxiety is twofold as it manifests both physically and mentally, one affecting the other in an endless loop. The most recent fun thing is the chest tightness and pain. Am I having a heart attack? Or is it just the anxiety? All you hypochondriacs out there feel me. It doesn’t help that I have overwhelming health anxiety from my chronic illnesses that already takes up way too much mental space.

I can play these dangerous mind games and be convinced by Google that I am dying, OR I can look hard at my fears and wonder if they are really worth fearing.

We just got back from the trip of my dreams to Ireland– a delayed honeymoon that was supposed to happen during Covid but never did. I honestly didn’t think we would be able to go after having our baby and finances being relatively tight, but the hubby gave us the green light and we got to go to the place I’ve always wanted to visit.

And the whole time, I was anxious. Anxious about the flights, anxious about being away from my baby for so long, anxious about dealing with my health issues in another country…the list goes on and on. I still enjoyed our time there, but underlying the whole trip was a deep-seated dread that still hasn’t fully gone away.

Satan tries to convince me these fears are rational– there is so much to be afraid of, after all. Planes go down, people get terminally ill, tragedies happen all the time. Maybe if I worry enough, everything will be alright. Maybe if I grip the armrests of my plane seat tight enough, the plane will stay in the air. Maybe all this worrying will give me some semblance of control in a world that feels absolutely. out. of. it.

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:27

That’s what fear really is, isn’t it? A desire to be in control. We wouldn’t be fearful or anxious if we didn’t want or need things to be a certain way. If we trusted a good God to handle all the outcomes in our life, there would be no room for anxiety. It simply wouldn’t be able to exist.

I don’t want to say that anxiety is as simple as a lack of faith, but in a sense it is. In a sense, it is a choice. It is the choice to trust in ourselves instead of God. But if we profess to be Christians, we have no reason to fear. Death itself cannot separate us from Him.

Anxiety manifests when our hopes and desires are misaligned. If my hope is in my health, my family, or financial stability, I have every reason to fear because I could lose any of those things in a moment. But if my hope is in Him, I can have true peace regardless of my circumstances.

It still takes my heart a while to catch up to these truths, but the Lord is patient with me. He keeps inviting me to His rest, His peace. He keeps loving me and holding me even as I give into my fears and let them overwhelm me. He won’t give up on me. He knows my weakness, and He asks me to give it all to Him. To let Him transform my mind from fear to faith. From anxiety to peace. From despair to hope.

You can’t talk yourself out of anxiety but you can talk to Him. You can cast all your cares on Him, because He cares deeply for you (1 Peter 5:7). You can tell Him everything on your heart and mind, everything that is burdening and weighing you down, and He will listen. He will hold you and remind you of His love for you. He will give you renewed hope and joy. He will give you peace that surpasses understanding.

This world truly is a fearful place– we should expect it to be. But that doesn’t mean we have to be afraid. Satan only has dominion for now, and only the dominion that God lets him have. This is not the end of the story, friends. We have great hope not only in eternity, but even now.

There is no quick fix for anxiety, but rather a slow re-learning of mind and heart patterns that have been deeply engrained in us over the years. Just as anxiety is a learned thought pattern, we can learn trust. We can begin to train our minds to focus on what God says about us and the world when the anxious thoughts start creeping in. We can reject the thoughts that don’t serve us anymore, and claim God’s truths. Over time those truths will become instinctual– our immediate inner responses to the circumstances in our lives.

We have to be in the Word to do this. We have to memorize His promises so that they are available to us in every moment of fear. And we have to fellowship. We have to be with other believers who will listen and care for us, and remind of us of the truth when we forget– which we will.

It is a lifelong battle, but it is worth it. We are not meant to live in fear.

thoughts

trust in the storm

alyssapebbles

It’s been tempting not to write a post this week because so much happened in the last week that has given me major anxiety, and normally I would allow myself to just rest. But then I remembered how writing for me is rest. Processing my life through words is one of the most restful activities for me. And I’ve also set a goal for myself to post something every Monday, whether or not it’s perfect or “finished” by my own definition, so this is me holding myself accountable at the same time as sharing my life with you.

This past week we moved into our new apartment, the home I have been dreaming of for the past month and half, envisioning our little family budding up within these walls. And the moving process wasn’t even stressful at all like I thought it was going to be eight months pregnant, thanks to the generous aid of Mitch’s and my parents and brother…no, the stress came from a different source.

A musty smell in the living room.

If you’ve read any of my posts about my health, you might know that I have had chronic health issues since living in a mold-infested apartment two years ago. So a musty smell may not be a big deal for someone else, but for me it causes PTSD. And sends me spiraling into paranoia, fear, and anxiety.

I never anticipated having to deal with this again. This was the exact thing I wanted to avoid in the space where not only we are living but going to be raising a baby–a vulnerable, fragile being who definitely requires a non-toxic environment. To be honest, the fear was absolutely paralyzing for the first few days here and I felt my whole inner world crumbling to pieces.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid the things that have caused us immense pain and suffering in the past, they come back to haunt us. What do we do when this happens? How do we respond to these situations–to God?

I think my immediate response is anger and entitlement. I should not have to deal with this again. I have been through so much with my health; this is absolutely unacceptable. But the anger quickly dissipates into fear and I begin to question everything: I’m already so immunocompromised, how will I survive another exposure? How will this affect my baby? How will we ever afford remediation if it comes to that, God forbid it’s so toxic we have to move out and leave all our stuff behind?

The questions of why and how consume me. I’m thrust back into the dark and chaotic mental place where everything is up in the air and I don’t know where the ground is. My anxiety feeds my physical bodily responses, and I become an ultra-hypochondriac, wondering if my symptoms are related to mold in our apartment or if my own deteriorating psychological state is causing them at this point (most likely the latter). I don’t want to be back here, never thought I’d be back here. Especially now of all times, when the stakes feel so high as we are about to start our new family. Why would God allow this to happen again?

But as I am questioning and doubting and fearing, something inside of me is small and still and reassured. Someone is whispering to my soul that it’s all going to be okay. That even if the worst scenario happens and there is toxic mold in our apartment and we have to leave and get rid of all of our stuff–we will be okay. And I know this peace can only come from the Lord, because it is certainly not originating from me.

We will find out if we have mold in our apartment next week, and until then I am choosing to trust God through my fears. He knows what is best for me and my family, and He will take care of us.

Whatever fear and anxieties are consuming you, God knows what you are dealing with. Trust Him in the storm, not only once it’s over. He will come through for you, even if it’s not the way you wanted or planned.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

thoughts

direction

alyssapebbles

Ever since graduating from college, and certainly even much before that (though I have felt it most tangibly in the post-college years), I have struggled with finding direction in my life. Perhaps it came to a head as I embarked into the post-graduate world with my heart on my sleeve, ready for all the amazing adventures God had for me in vocational ministry, only to be thrust into the confusing chaos of becoming an adult and having to make my own schedule and define my own path.

I remember vividly the panic that set in that first fall after college when my schedule wasn’t clearly laid out for me like the predictability of quarterly classes that I was used to. I had been living within routines and structure created for me my whole life, and all of a sudden I was supposed to determine how to manage my days and my time all on my own. While it should have been freeing, instead it felt incredibly overwhelming and led to absolute paralysis.

I was terrified of making the wrong move. I was terrified of the weight of the responsibility that suddenly seemed all on my shoulders. I had been hired as the Young Adults intern at a church in Santa Cruz, and I felt like a total hypocrite leading other adults when I had no idea how to be an adult myself. I had never been in a significant ministry leadership role and felt like an imposter. The fear was crippling and utterly debilitating–and I gave into it.

I didn’t trust that God could use me despite my fears. I believed the doubts and the lies that told me I had no right to be in that position. And that led to a series of seasons of deep questioning about everything I had thought I heard from God about His calling on my life.

For the next few years, I bounced around in so many different directions, trying to find a career path that would stick, but nothing really did.

And to be honest, not much still has. To this day, I struggle to discern what my vocational calling is. All the way up until the end of college the plan was to become a Christian counselor, but then God shifted my heart and I felt the pull towards vocational ministry, working directly for the church. It didn’t make sense when it was nothing like what I thought it would be.

I don’t think I’m alone in searching for direction, and I’ve come to realize that I have a lot more agency than I realize. When I was asking God all of those questions about where I was supposed to be headed and doubting every single thing that was in my direct path, I felt completely powerless. I didn’t acknowledge that maybe I was already where I was supposed to be, and that I could take little, practical steps to move forward. I was looking for a big, dramatic answer to my questions, instead of focusing on the seemingly mundane everyday choices I could make. I wanted God to just fix all my problems, give me all the answers, and lay out a clear and direct path for me instead of taking on the responsibility myself, with the skills, talents, and mind that He’s given me to do so.

I didn’t acknowledge that maybe I was already where I was supposed to be, and that I could take little, practical steps to move forward.

I think we fall into a rut when are seeking direction without a willingness to take action. I am certainly guilty of this, and sometimes the Christian culture seems to encourage it when we talk so much about “calling.” We have big dreams for our lives, but if we lack the discipline to achieve those dreams one small step at a time, we will be left constantly discouraged and demoralized. Perhaps the most valuable thing for me over the past few years has been getting practical–getting into the nitty gritty of what it really means to 1) be a disciple of Jesus and 2) move within that framework towards my own personal goals.

Our structure comes from His word. He lays out clearly how to follow Him, and after that… it’s up to us! There is so much freedom within His way for us to get creative in what we pursue. But if we don’t start with roadmap of His word we will be completely aimless and lost.

I’m not one with a natural bent towards structure or discipline. So I have to be extra intentional about how I use my time and need lots of extra help along the way by people who have travelled these roads before me. I’m learning that setting goals, even though it can feel scary or confining, is essential. If I don’t have a goal then I don’t know where I’m going. And I’m also learning that I can’t let my feelings dictate when and how I pursue those goals.

It’s not romantic and it’s not mysterious. It takes dedicated hard work and perseverance to see it through until you reach your goals. There will be lots of failure, and we have to be okay with that. We can’t let failure define us. But if we never even try, we will always be left wondering what we could have achieved.

I don’t want to look back at the end of my life and see all the opportunities I missed because I was afraid to step out in faith. I don’t want to be on the sidelines watching everyone else’s victories while I inwardly envy their determination and grit. I want to say yes to opportunities and directions that ignite my passion, even if they scare me to death.

There is indeed a path for your life my friends, but it’s not going to be magically stumbled upon one day as you sit around dreaming about it. It’s going to be revealed as you put one shaky foot in front of the other. Sometimes we will only be able to see where to put the next foot, and sometimes He may illuminate miles ahead of us, but either way, we are called to move. We are not meant to be stagnant creatures–this world is a dynamic place and it needs dynamic people to make it look more like God’s kingdom.

Let’s set our direction and run after it wholeheartedly.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:1-3

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momentum: moving forward imperfectly

alyssapebbles

These past few weeks as I’ve transitioned out of full time work into unemployment and the days feel a lot longer I find myself feeling… stuck.

There’s something to be said about motion. They say a body in motion stays in motion. And how true I’m beginning to find this. When I was working at the health clinic, I had a regular rhythm to my days- a routine that kept me in motion and kept me productive. And while I longed for more freedom and time to shape my days how I wanted to, I’m now seeing the benefit of the structure I had.

Turns out, I’m terrible at creating that structure for myself. Turns out having a 9-5 schedule, although soul-killing at times, might have had more value than I realized.

Now that I’m fully in charge of my own schedule, it’s hard not to get a bit overwhelmed and paralyzed by all the possibilities of how I can use my time. Should I wake up early and read and pray? Should I sleep in? Should I spend an hour reading or three hours? An abundance of time can lead to an abundance of doubts.

How do I honor God with all of this?

I find myself constantly questioning how I’m spending the hours, and then I end up not doing much at all because I’m too afraid of doing the wrong thing.

I say I want to be a writer. And the only way to become a writer is to sit down and write. But now that I have all the time to do that, I’m noticing that the kitchen is dirty. And the laundry needs to be done. And there are a billion other things that need my attention that I deem “more important.” And it’s easy to push my dream to the side, telling myself that it’s a silly dream anyway. Who do I think I am? The bills need to be paid. I need a real job, with real income…

And those are the whispers from the enemy that haunt me throughout my days. So before I’ve even begun to sit down and get words on a page, I feel defeated. Before I’ve even begun to look through freelance jobs or read other people’s work that should inspire me, I feel less than. I feel unworthy and not good enough. And I wonder what I’m doing, and how I became such a failure.

And yet.

What if this the enemy’s tactic? What if this is how he stops us from doing meaningful things- by defeating us before we even get started? By planting seeds of doubt, fear, and comparison in our mind so we are already sabotaged? Maybe these dreams and visions we have inside of us truly are from God and truly would make a difference in others’ lives, and the enemy knows this so he fights hard against our momentum? Tries to destroy us with his lies so we can’t make the progress we are destined to make?

When I stop acquiesing to these accusations in my mind and start listening to what God is saying, something shifts. I remember who I am and that I am already loved and enough. I feel like I can take the next step- like maybe that’s all I really need to do. Maybe I don’t need to do everything all at once and become an overnight success, like our culture seems encourage and applaud. Maybe I can just take that one next step towards my goals and dreams:

Write the blog post

Reach out to the friend

Do the workout

Maybe our lives are just a series of steps, taken one at a time, until we get to where we are supposed to be. Maybe all those people we admire that seem to have it all together and started a foundation and five successful businesses and have a thriving family got where they are by taking a series of small steps over time. It’s easy to feel like I’m the only one floundering when I’m looking at all the people who have “made it,” but when I remind myself that they started small too- that we all have to start small- I feel empowered. I feel like I can make it too.

But it takes discipline. And it takes courage. And it takes letting go of my own idea of what progress is- not a series of perfect steps up a straight staircase, but rather a long and winding staircase with many detours and obstacles along the way. Some days may not look like any steps are taken at all, or it may look like we are falling backwards down the staircase. But I think if I can trust that God is guiding me up this staircase and has carefully crafted its every twist and turn, I’ll be a lot more likely to continue going than if it all feels meaningless. Why climb the stairs if they’re not going anywhere?

If I can remember that each step holds incredible meaning and purpose of its own, I think I will not be so concerned about getting to the top. About the finished product. Because maybe that’s not what it’s about. It’s about who I’m becoming in the process.

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secure

alyssapebbles

As someone who has chronically struggled with insecurity and low self-esteem throughout my life, I know how to quickly recognize these feelings and where they are coming from. They fueled my passion for psychology, and drove me to discover and understand myself more- and to conquer these isolating and consuming thoughts.

My number on the Enneagram predisposes me to be someone of low confidence- jealous and indulgent in my own emotions if I’m not careful. I’m someone who craves emotional highs, yet revels in the lows; we Fours find a certain comfort in lament. It can become a way of life, a deeply engrained habit of mind that can sabotage our relationships. We are inward and self-focused, consumed by shame and perceptions of our own inferiority and  lack of being understood in the world.

Drama, drama, drama.

While not everyone identifies with the Four on the Enneagram, most everyone can identify with insecurity. We have all been through seasons (or lifetimes) when we don’t feel like we are measuring up, when we feel like nothing we do or are is good enough. It’s a sinister under-the-skin feeling that constantly accompanies us as we go throughout our days, and tints our perceptions all of our experiences. It blinds us to what is true about ourselves and the world around us.

Though I’ve come far in my own journey out of inferiority and insecurity, there are still times when it comes back to haunt me. Though I know my worth is fully solidified in Christ, other things will come in and try to threaten that. New seasons and challenges will force me to revisit these old and quite basic themes: that I am loved and cherished as I am- that I don’t need to prove myself or strive to earn it. These fundamental truths need to be routinely replanted and reestablished; they never seem to fully stick and I wonder if it’s a battle I’ll face all my life. I could become discouraged and consequently reinforce the negative cycle, or I can keep rooting myself in Truth. I can keep grounding myself in the Word, and surrounding myself with people who will speak Life into me. I can keep encouraging and admonishing those who fight similar battles. I can keep spending time with my God who never condemns or accuses, but loves me steadfastly and draws close when I cower in shame. The God who loved me before I ever did anything to deserve it.

The temptation to compare ourselves to others will always be there. We will always be inclined to take our eyes off our own path and see how we fare in the rat race of the world, or even the hamster wheel that can be the church. We will see the areas that we lack and our defense mechanisms and self-protection devices will want to kick into gear. Life becomes about self-preservation instead of exploration- we don’t feel safe to express ourselves. My heart is not wanted here, we might think. And it becomes about holding onto the remnants our egos.

Certainly, we must guard our hearts against the evil one. He will bombard us with lies to keep us from reaching our full potential in Christ. But we can stop enabling him by placing ourselves on the front line of combat- by measuring ourselves against each other.  The enemy will always try to divide us, and one of the best ways he can do that is by causing us to compete. We were never meant to do that. We are told to love one another:

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

~John 13:34

What if, instead of focusing on our own shame and perceived lack, we lifted one another up? What if by loving others, we actually learned to love ourselves? To see the way He sees us? What if our focus on ourselves is actually hindering us  from loving well?

I keep turning my eyes to Him, and keep looking to Him to remind me of my value, because anything or anyone outside of Him either feeds my ego or paralyzes me with guilt and shame. As I continue to put all of my hope and worth in Him, I find freedom from both- I find freedom from myself and the darkness of my spiraling thoughts, and freedom to be myself. To live and laugh and play and love as a child of God, one who is not restrained by image-consciousness or reputation-management. One who is free to pursue Him and delight in Him with all my heart, soul, and strength, nourished by His word and the people He has placed in my life.

We’re all on the same team. Nothing about you surprises or disgusts God, and there is no one you can be other than who He made you.

 

 

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unashamed

alyssapebbles

Those who look to him are radiant;

There faces are never covered with shame.

~Psalm 34:5

Since I have decided to follow Christ with my life, I have been inexplicably drawn to people who seem to know Him, and I mean really know Him. The people that have that glint in their eye as they speak about Him, as though He is their most intimate and truest friend.

I have known very few people who have this kind of relationship with Him, but when I meet them and get to know them, I know that I want what they have. I want to know Him like that- like a best friend and ever-present companion, like someone who is always so close and so near that I can feel Him breathing through my lungs. The people who know Him like that are not ashamed of Him- they can do nothing but exude His presence in the lives of those around them; it emits from their very being. They are always thinking about Him and talking about Him- and talking to Him. They are so deeply in love with Him.

It should not be unusual to meet people like this, especially in the church. But it is.

How many people do you really know who completely lay down their lives for Him, who live and breathe His breath? Who constantly meditate on His word, and continually abide in His presence? I know very few.

My question is: why are we ashamed of Christ?

Why are we afraid to seem “overly spiritual” or even perhaps crazy to people who don’t know Him? What are we to gain by stifling His spirit in us?

In modern, Western culture Christianity, it is okay to go to church and be involved serving in the body of Christ, so long as you don’t offend others with your faith. It is okay as long as you don’t weird people out with your relationship to the Lord by talking to Him or being led by the Spirit in certain ways that people don’t understand. As a result, we’ve discouraged personal relationship. We’ve encouraged public testimony and appearing a certain way. But we’ve forgotten the whole point: Christ.

We’ve forgotten the whole reason we signed up for this thing in the first place; all this pain and sacrifice and dying to self. It’s all because of Him, and if we weren’t in love with Him, we would never go through all this. If our faith is not motivated by love for Christ, but instead becomes a way to make ourselves look good, we are lost. When we judge our brothers and sisters for the way God manifests Himself in their lives, as though He can only work in one way, we lose our own connection to Him.

We have to stop trying to please people. We have to stop expecting our relationship to look the same as anybody else’s. The Creator of the Universe loves each of us in unique and wildly different ways. He gave us passions and interests and joys and fears, and He knows what makes each one of us tick. He loves it when we delight in Him, when we enjoy Him- because He enjoys us. When we begin to truly get to know Him, we unlock His heart. We can begin to understand the magnitude of His love for us, and it will absolutely overwhelm us.

Let’s not forget who our First and Last is, and let’s never let fear of what other people think cause us to be ashamed of Him.

He is not ashamed of us.

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challenge

alyssapebbles

As I begin this new season of my life and settle into the new rhythm of the culture and people around me, I find myself spinning a little bit.

This year is going to challenge me- that’s one thing I know for sure, amidst all the other unknowns. The uncertainty and fear that comes along with major life transitions can be overwhelming and all-consuming if you let it. I’ve experienced this enough times in my life now that I have better footing this time (or have more tools in my toolbox as my wise mama would say), but it doesn’t make it any easier. You don’t realize how much you’re going to miss something until it’s gone. I feel my eyes brimming each time I am reminded of the life I just left; yet looking forward in anticipation of what’s to come.

I also find myself at moments discouraged: familiarity is so comforting. New is hard. Especially when it is all new: new place, new people, new culture, new community. So much excitement all at once can blow a girl right over–even if all of it is good.

I know that this is the time when what I’m truly holding onto becomes evident—when all I have left to cling to is Jesus Himself, the one who knows me inside and out in a place where I don’t yet feel known by people. Friends come and go, but He remains with me. Changing circumstances can shake our world, but they also cause us to run to our Rock and Redeemer, who will always walk with us through our challenges and hardships.

God brought me to this place for a reason, and I trust Him with what is to come—even when it doesn’t seem to make sense. I know everything is going to fall into place, and I am grateful for this time of transformation. I have to let go of the old to make room for the new things that God wants to do in my life this year. Even in the midst of the uncertainty, I know there is joy ahead.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. ~ Hebrews 12:1-3 (emphasis added)