doubt – rhythms of grace

In this hopeful and beautiful time of year, when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the new life we have in Him, I can’t help but still feel broken. And not entirely like a new creation yet.

I wanted to do a post on the promise of Easter and the hope of spring using flowery and colorful language, but I’ll be honest: this past week has not been filled with hope for me. Instead it’s been filled with anxiety, doubt, health problems, and a keen sense of defeat.

I don’t feel the victory. I don’t feel the promise.

But the good news is: it doesn’t matter what I feel. It matters what He did.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

He came so that we could have life to the full.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I am fully living. I feel like I give myself so many excuses not to live fully– my health issues, my fear of the future, lack of money, lack of opportunities… etc. But if I’m not living fully now, will I ever? If I don’t learn how to accept my circumstances as they are and trust that Jesus is with me in all of this, how will I ever be able to do that when things get harder, which they inevitably will?

I have been so convicted by my own attitude. By my own willingness to throw in the towel when life gets hard. I read stories of others who have gone through so much worse than me, and yet instead of encouraging me, these stories only add to my guilt.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be rejoicing and grateful for what I DO have.

But it’s like a disease- the disease of discontentment.

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to grieve and lament your hard circumstances. In fact, I’m saying the exact opposite- grieving before God is the only way to move through them. We are going through Lamentations at my church, hearing about the incredible grief Jeremiah endured and how he cried out before God. That was godly, and that was good.

I’m saying that we have to trust God in our circumstances, ESPECIALLY when they are difficult. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we trust God when everything is going our way. Only when the trials come do we find out what our faith is really made of. And I’m finding out, once again, that mine is rather flimsy, and very much based on feelings.

Maybe the key to the abundant, full life is not things going perfectly. Maybe it’s living fully where we are, despite how we feel. And trusting that God is going to use all of these hard things for our good. And maybe we need to stop looking around at everyone else and thinking that they are living perfect lives, because that only compounds our own sorrow.

What if we are all struggling? What if there are secret pains and sorrows that we all carry, and yet we portray our lives on social media as if we we weren’t? I know I’m guilty of this. And it’s not wrong to post the good things, but watch what you allow your mind, and your heart, to consume. As I’ve allowed myself back onto social media, I’ve seen the ill effects on my mind again. I don’t even think we realize how much we’re influenced, how comparison is so engrained into our beings.

My life doesn’t look as good as hers, so therefore I am lacking. I am less than, inferior, a mess.

That’s my own inner dialogue, but it’s not what God is speaking to me. But if I don’t take the time to listen and work through my pain with Him, this is what I turn to. This is the easy fix and escape- although it’s not really an escape at all but rather a trap. And I find myself falling into it again, and again, and again.

I don’t think the answer is get rid of social media, but rather to use it wisely. To use it to connect with others, but never, ever, to compare. I have one life to live and living it fully looks different than it does for anyone else. We each are unique and have a subsequently unique story to live.

So, if you are struggling this Easter to feel the joy of what Jesus has done for you and feel like you may be too broken to fix, remember this: nothing in your life is accidental, and you are still invited to the full life right now, in the midst of it all. Though you can’t see it right now, He is working all things for your good, and if you partner with Him in it instead of resisting and questioning and doubting Him, you will see beautiful fruit. I’m in this with you. Life is hard and it probably won’t get easier, but we can let it change us for the better. We can let Him change us for the better. All He asks for is our willingness to trust Him.

As someone who has chronically struggled with insecurity and low self-esteem throughout my life, I know how to quickly recognize these feelings and where they are coming from. They fueled my passion for psychology, and drove me to discover and understand myself more- and to conquer these isolating and consuming thoughts.

My number on the Enneagram predisposes me to be someone of low confidence- jealous and indulgent in my own emotions if I’m not careful. I’m someone who craves emotional highs, yet revels in the lows; we Fours find a certain comfort in lament. It can become a way of life, a deeply engrained habit of mind that can sabotage our relationships. We are inward and self-focused, consumed by shame and perceptions of our own inferiority and lack of being understood in the world.

Drama, drama, drama.

While not everyone identifies with the Four on the Enneagram, most everyone can identify with insecurity. We have all been through seasons (or lifetimes) when we don’t feel like we are measuring up, when we feel like nothing we do or are is good enough. It’s a sinister under-the-skin feeling that constantly accompanies us as we go throughout our days, and tints our perceptions all of our experiences. It blinds us to what is true about ourselves and the world around us.

Though I’ve come far in my own journey out of inferiority and insecurity, there are still times when it comes back to haunt me. Though I know my worth is fully solidified in Christ, other things will come in and try to threaten that. New seasons and challenges will force me to revisit these old and quite basic themes: that I am loved and cherished as I am- that I don’t need to prove myself or strive to earn it. These fundamental truths need to be routinely replanted and reestablished; they never seem to fully stick and I wonder if it’s a battle I’ll face all my life. I could become discouraged and consequently reinforce the negative cycle, or I can keep rooting myself in Truth. I can keep grounding myself in the Word, and surrounding myself with people who will speak Life into me. I can keep encouraging and admonishing those who fight similar battles. I can keep spending time with my God who never condemns or accuses, but loves me steadfastly and draws close when I cower in shame. The God who loved me before I ever did anything to deserve it.

The temptation to compare ourselves to others will always be there. We will always be inclined to take our eyes off our own path and see how we fare in the rat race of the world, or even the hamster wheel that can be the church. We will see the areas that we lack and our defense mechanisms and self-protection devices will want to kick into gear. Life becomes about self-preservation instead of exploration- we don’t feel safe to express ourselves. My heart is not wanted here, we might think. And it becomes about holding onto the remnants our egos.

Certainly, we must guard our hearts against the evil one. He will bombard us with lies to keep us from reaching our full potential in Christ. But we can stop enabling him by placing ourselves on the front line of combat- by measuring ourselves against each other. The enemy will always try to divide us, and one of the best ways he can do that is by causing us to compete. We were never meant to do that. We are told to love one another:

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

~John 13:34

What if, instead of focusing on our own shame and perceived lack, we lifted one another up? What if by loving others, we actually learned to love ourselves? To see the way He sees us? What if our focus on ourselves is actually hindering us from loving well?

I keep turning my eyes to Him, and keep looking to Him to remind me of my value, because anything or anyone outside of Him either feeds my ego or paralyzes me with guilt and shame. As I continue to put all of my hope and worth in Him, I find freedom from both- I find freedom from myself and the darkness of my spiraling thoughts, and freedom to be myself. To live and laugh and play and love as a child of God, one who is not restrained by image-consciousness or reputation-management. One who is free to pursue Him and delight in Him with all my heart, soul, and strength, nourished by His word and the people He has placed in my life.

We’re all on the same team. Nothing about you surprises or disgusts God, and there is no one you can be other than who He made you.