Tag: pain

thoughts

staying in the hard place–where Jesus is

alyssapebbles

I’ve always been able to escape hard things. I grew up in an upper-middle-class family in the safe bubble of a quiet suburban town. I have two loving parents and was given everything I ever needed to be comfortable and happy: healthy food, a nice house, good schools, lots of family vacations… you get the point. I was never deprived of worldly comforts growing up, and other than the typical angsty teen years I never encountered true suffering.

I am so grateful I was raised that way. I am so grateful to my parents who worked so hard to give me and my brother everything. I’m grateful the Lord sheltered me from childhood trauma or abuse or poverty that so many people have had to go through.

But it made the entering the real world incredibly difficult. I had learned to expect comfort– to feel entitled to it even. So when it was stripped away from me, I had no foundation to make sense of what was happening.

Whenever things were hard growing up, I had my parents to fall back on– whether that was financially, emotionally, or anything else. I was a great dancer and I loved it but I wanted to stop dancing so I could spend more time with my friends, so my mom let me quit. I nearly dropped out of college because I knew I could just run home to them. I couldn’t hold down jobs after college because I knew I had a fallback. I never learned true resilience or grit. I never learned the art of sticking things out, even and especially when they got hard– because I didn’t think they were supposed to be.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

But then chronic illness entered my life. And in one short year I became both a wife and a mother. And I can no longer run from the hard. I can no longer call my mom to come save me from the darkness I face. No amount of money or emotional support can relieve me of the weight I now have to carry.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

But I’m learning that God can. And all He asks me to do is be still, and trust Him. To stay right here in the middle of the pain that feels like is stealing my best days from me, and trust that He somehow He is making beauty from even this. To stop frantically trying to heal myself or figure out ways to make my life easier or more manageable.

I can’t escape my own body and the pain I now experience daily, and I can’t escape being a mother to a strong-willed, smart toddler who knows how to push my weary mind and body to it’s absolute end. But I can let Jesus come and meet me in the middle of this mess of my life and give me a new perspective– one where my problems melt away in light of His presence.

Perhaps true resilience isn’t fighting against our circumstances until we have our way and our outcomes. Perhaps it’s simply accepting circumstances as they are– as painful as they are– and letting God do His good work. Not getting in His way with our striving and anxious efforts to free ourselves anymore.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

Philippians 1:6

When I try to run away, I’m missing out on the blessing that is right here. The miracle that God is doing in me and in my life, through the pain. Through the suffering. When I stay right here and look to Him instead of a million other things to try to get out of my pain, when I quiet my heart and fix it upon His steadfast love, His power is unleashed. His story can finally begin to unfold unhindered in me, instead of the frantic one I’ve been trying to write.

His story is so much better than mine. Where I see only pain, He sees potential. Where I see only darkness, He is light.

Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:12

Would I rather keep trying to piece together all this brokenness in my own strength, trying to salvage something manageable out of it in sheer hopeless desperation? Or can I lay it all down before Him, the One who redeems all things and makes all things work for His great purposes?

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Maybe this story was never meant to be mine. Maybe it’s part of a greater story whose author is Love Himself. Maybe this story is all about His glory– and how glorious He is. I would be crazy to try to run from a story like that.

So when I wake up tomorrow and my body hurts and my son is screaming at me and everything in me wants to give up and despair, I want to choose to stay. To be present, and to be near to Jesus. To cling to Him with every breath, and to see Him working this all out for my good and for His glory.

I love the way Dr. Pardington puts it in the devotional Streams in the Desert:

The right thing is simply to trust God, for while we trust, He can work. Worrying, however, prevents Him from doing anything for us. If the darkness covering us strikes terror in our hearts and we run back and forth, seeking in vain to find a way of escape from the dark trial where God’s providence has placed us, then the Lord cannot work on our behalf. Only the peace of God will quiet our minds and put our hearts at rest. We must place our hand in His as a little child and allow Him to lead us into the bright sunshine of His love. He knows the way out of the dense, dark forest, so we may climb into His arms, trusting Him to rescue us by showing us the shortest and most reliable road.

I want to stop fighting and just be still, knowing that He is fighting for me. He hasn’t forgotten or abandoned me– no, rather He sovereignly allows every circumstance in my life because He loves me. Because He knows what kind of fruit it will produce in me, fruit that could be produced in no other way. He knows the harvest that is coming, however long it takes. His timing is not my own, but it is perfect.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

John 12:24-25

God is putting to death in me the things that were never meant to last: my pride, my idols of comfort and health, my hope in anything other than Him. Pain is peeling back the ugly layers of my heart. But the death of these things is what will lead to new life in Him. As a dear friend and mentor recently told me: I am like a seed that is germinating. Everything looks dark all around me as I am buried deep in the ground, but after I have died to myself, I will sprout up with new life.

Whatever kind of pain you are facing– give it to Him. Stop carrying it alone and stop trying to run from it. Face it head on with your Father who is for you and will turn it into something magnificent in your life. Lay down your own will and take up your cross. His way is better than you could ever imagine, and He will produce a harvest beyond your wildest dreams.

Maybe this hard place that I want so desperately to escape is the place right where He is.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
thoughts

life to the full

alyssapebbles

In this hopeful and beautiful time of year, when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the new life we have in Him, I can’t help but still feel broken. And not entirely like a new creation yet.

I wanted to do a post on the promise of Easter and the hope of spring using flowery and colorful language, but I’ll be honest: this past week has not been filled with hope for me. Instead it’s been filled with anxiety, doubt, health problems, and a keen sense of defeat.

I don’t feel the victory. I don’t feel the promise.

But the good news is: it doesn’t matter what I feel. It matters what He did.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

He came so that we could have life to the full.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I am fully living. I feel like I give myself so many excuses not to live fully– my health issues, my fear of the future, lack of money, lack of opportunities… etc. But if I’m not living fully now, will I ever? If I don’t learn how to accept my circumstances as they are and trust that Jesus is with me in all of this, how will I ever be able to do that when things get harder, which they inevitably will?

I have been so convicted by my own attitude. By my own willingness to throw in the towel when life gets hard. I read stories of others who have gone through so much worse than me, and yet instead of encouraging me, these stories only add to my guilt.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be rejoicing and grateful for what I DO have.

But it’s like a disease- the disease of discontentment.

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to grieve and lament your hard circumstances. In fact, I’m saying the exact opposite- grieving before God is the only way to move through them. We are going through Lamentations at my church, hearing about the incredible grief Jeremiah endured and how he cried out before God. That was godly, and that was good.

I’m saying that we have to trust God in our circumstances, ESPECIALLY when they are difficult. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we trust God when everything is going our way. Only when the trials come do we find out what our faith is really made of. And I’m finding out, once again, that mine is rather flimsy, and very much based on feelings.

Maybe the key to the abundant, full life is not things going perfectly. Maybe it’s living fully where we are, despite how we feel. And trusting that God is going to use all of these hard things for our good. And maybe we need to stop looking around at everyone else and thinking that they are living perfect lives, because that only compounds our own sorrow.

What if we are all struggling? What if there are secret pains and sorrows that we all carry, and yet we portray our lives on social media as if we we weren’t? I know I’m guilty of this. And it’s not wrong to post the good things, but watch what you allow your mind, and your heart, to consume. As I’ve allowed myself back onto social media, I’ve seen the ill effects on my mind again. I don’t even think we realize how much we’re influenced, how comparison is so engrained into our beings.

My life doesn’t look as good as hers, so therefore I am lacking. I am less than, inferior, a mess.

That’s my own inner dialogue, but it’s not what God is speaking to me. But if I don’t take the time to listen and work through my pain with Him, this is what I turn to. This is the easy fix and escape- although it’s not really an escape at all but rather a trap. And I find myself falling into it again, and again, and again.

I don’t think the answer is get rid of social media, but rather to use it wisely. To use it to connect with others, but never, ever, to compare. I have one life to live and living it fully looks different than it does for anyone else. We each are unique and have a subsequently unique story to live.

So, if you are struggling this Easter to feel the joy of what Jesus has done for you and feel like you may be too broken to fix, remember this: nothing in your life is accidental, and you are still invited to the full life right now, in the midst of it all. Though you can’t see it right now, He is working all things for your good, and if you partner with Him in it instead of resisting and questioning and doubting Him, you will see beautiful fruit. I’m in this with you. Life is hard and it probably won’t get easier, but we can let it change us for the better. We can let Him change us for the better. All He asks for is our willingness to trust Him.

thoughts

growing pains

alyssapebbles

Our lives should never be stagnant when we follow Jesus. We must always remain in a state of growth and development as He refines us to become more and more like Him. However, growth can be painful, sometimes even excruciating.

Growth means letting go of old habits and developing new ones. It requires constant openness to God and what He’d like to do in our lives and in our hearts. We must look squarely at our own destructive ways and intentionally replace them with life-giving ways, at the Father’s prodding.

He lets us see ourselves as we are so we will be motivated to change. He allows us to see the the extent of our brokenness and helplessness without Him. We have to get to this point in our faith in order to move into the greater things He has for us. He can’t use a self-deluded person to do His work; He can only use those who know their own weakness and humbly submit to Him for strength and guidance. The ones who know their own capacity for sin and realize their need for a Savior. Then He can do the real work in us as we put off our old selves and put on the new (Ephesians 4:22-24). If we’re not open to His correction and tough love, we will not reach the heights He wants to take us to, but remain stuck in our own stubbornness and self-destructive ways.

This summer has been an incredibly growing time for me. And it has not always felt like growth- most times it has felt like retroactive steps; I’m overcome by familiar darknesses that I have faced in the past, and I wonder why they are coming up again. Why I haven’t moved past these things. I start to wonder if I’m just unbearably weak and incapable, a victim of my own mind and fears. I wonder if it will always be this way, if I will always be defeated by these things. That’s the way the enemy would like me to think. He tries to get us stuck in an endless loop of self-pity and fear- a victim mentality. If we remain self-absorbed and wallow in our own helplessness, we will forget to turn to the One who can actually help us.

But by turning to Him and facing these battles again (internal battles of fear, anxiety, purpose, identity, worth…etc.) I am strengthened. He has to bring me back to these places to remind me of my human nature and my absolute need to depend on Him. To remind me that without His love I cannot conquer, that without His thoughts I am hopeless. To remind me how empty I am without Him. These same issues (in different forms and brought about by different circumstances) come up again and again because I keep going back to the old ways of self-sufficiency and illusory control, returning to the place of believing that my life is my own. And that indeed is a fruitless and stagnant place to be.

Even when our circumstances are frustrating and painful, and perhaps especially during these times, we must cling to Him. The sweetest times of growth can be in the biggest times of spiritual and emotional draught. These are the times when we remember that we have a Hope so much greater than what we can see; what is evident in the world around us. And we can remember that the trials we are facing are going to produce something incredible in us.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.

~1 Peter 1:6