I think the theme song for my life right now is “Heavy” by Birdtalker. The lyrics resonate heavily (hah) during this continued season of uncertainty and painful moments of regret:
If you’re lost and you’re lonely
Go and figure out why
Take a trip to your darkside
Go on and have a good cry
Cause we’re all lonely
Yeah we’re all lonely together
Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind
Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind
If your face is down
Take a look around
Do your fingers move?
Do your lungs inflate?
Are you tired are you weary
Of the hidden hate you’ve been holding?
Did you lose that love?
Or have you never had it?
Are you feeling sad cause you did a bad thing?
Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?
Only way to lose that fearful feeling
Replace it with love that’s healing
Are you feeling fearful brother?
Are you feeling fearful sister?
I think the biggest obstacle to forward progress is dwelling on past mistakes- letting them bully you into believing you can never change, or worse, you don’t deserve to change. To change and grow would mean to actually be freedom, and you can’t possibly have that after all you’ve done, right?
The enemy is especially tricky with this sort of thing- rumination, stagnation, and paralyzation. If he can stunt our growth and keep us stuck in our past sins and mistakes, he knows we won’t be able to grasp onto our bright future with God and all that He calls us to be. We will continue to relive the past over and over again. We don’t even realize we have a choice.
A choice to let go.
A choice to be forgiven.
A choice to be washed clean.
Why else did Jesus come?!
God reaches into the depths of our despair and regret and He doesn’t shame us. He doesn’t wag a finger and say “I’m so disappointed in you. Why didn’t you do better this time?” He knows us better than we know ourselves; He knew what decisions we were going to make before we ever made them, and He is not surprised. He is not staring incredulously at us, wondering how could we ever keep messing up so badly when we claim to be followers of Him.
Not at all.
He only ever looks at us through eyes of love. He is gentle and patient with us, forgiving us as many times as we need to be forgiven. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he needs to forgive someone who hurt him, Jesus replied:
I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
~Matthew 18:22
He never gives up on us- even when we give up on ourselves. Our pain is His pain. He hates to see us suffer the consequences of our sin over and over again. He wants to offer us freedom and new life from that. When we are so afraid to come to Him because of our shame, He can never do the work He wants to do in us- He can never heal us from it. We are terrified of punishment, and yet by holding ourselves back from Him that is exactly what we will continue to face. When we actually lay it all down before Him, He does this amazing thing:
He forgives us.
And He begins to heal the wounds.
But we have to let Him see them. He won’t condemn us- whatever we don’t bring into the light will.
Why do we run anywhere else to find healing? Why do we expect any other thing to satisfy and fulfill us? God is the only one who can carry the burden of our shame and regret, so we have to leave what’s heavy with Him, or we will be crushed under the weight of it.
Then He can begin to do a new thing in us.
Forget about the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
~Isaiah 43:18-19
rhythms of grace 