These past few weeks as I’ve transitioned out of full time work into unemployment and the days feel a lot longer I find myself feeling… stuck.
There’s something to be said about motion. They say a body in motion stays in motion. And how true I’m beginning to find this. When I was working at the health clinic, I had a regular rhythm to my days- a routine that kept me in motion and kept me productive. And while I longed for more freedom and time to shape my days how I wanted to, I’m now seeing the benefit of the structure I had.
Turns out, I’m terrible at creating that structure for myself. Turns out having a 9-5 schedule, although soul-killing at times, might have had more value than I realized.
Now that I’m fully in charge of my own schedule, it’s hard not to get a bit overwhelmed and paralyzed by all the possibilities of how I can use my time. Should I wake up early and read and pray? Should I sleep in? Should I spend an hour reading or three hours? An abundance of time can lead to an abundance of doubts.
How do I honor God with all of this?
I find myself constantly questioning how I’m spending the hours, and then I end up not doing much at all because I’m too afraid of doing the wrong thing.
I say I want to be a writer. And the only way to become a writer is to sit down and write. But now that I have all the time to do that, I’m noticing that the kitchen is dirty. And the laundry needs to be done. And there are a billion other things that need my attention that I deem “more important.” And it’s easy to push my dream to the side, telling myself that it’s a silly dream anyway. Who do I think I am? The bills need to be paid. I need a real job, with real income…
And those are the whispers from the enemy that haunt me throughout my days. So before I’ve even begun to sit down and get words on a page, I feel defeated. Before I’ve even begun to look through freelance jobs or read other people’s work that should inspire me, I feel less than. I feel unworthy and not good enough. And I wonder what I’m doing, and how I became such a failure.
And yet.
What if this the enemy’s tactic? What if this is how he stops us from doing meaningful things- by defeating us before we even get started? By planting seeds of doubt, fear, and comparison in our mind so we are already sabotaged? Maybe these dreams and visions we have inside of us truly are from God and truly would make a difference in others’ lives, and the enemy knows this so he fights hard against our momentum? Tries to destroy us with his lies so we can’t make the progress we are destined to make?
When I stop acquiesing to these accusations in my mind and start listening to what God is saying, something shifts. I remember who I am and that I am already loved and enough. I feel like I can take the next step- like maybe that’s all I really need to do. Maybe I don’t need to do everything all at once and become an overnight success, like our culture seems encourage and applaud. Maybe I can just take that one next step towards my goals and dreams:
Write the blog post
Reach out to the friend
Do the workout
Maybe our lives are just a series of steps, taken one at a time, until we get to where we are supposed to be. Maybe all those people we admire that seem to have it all together and started a foundation and five successful businesses and have a thriving family got where they are by taking a series of small steps over time. It’s easy to feel like I’m the only one floundering when I’m looking at all the people who have “made it,” but when I remind myself that they started small too- that we all have to start small- I feel empowered. I feel like I can make it too.
But it takes discipline. And it takes courage. And it takes letting go of my own idea of what progress is- not a series of perfect steps up a straight staircase, but rather a long and winding staircase with many detours and obstacles along the way. Some days may not look like any steps are taken at all, or it may look like we are falling backwards down the staircase. But I think if I can trust that God is guiding me up this staircase and has carefully crafted its every twist and turn, I’ll be a lot more likely to continue going than if it all feels meaningless. Why climb the stairs if they’re not going anywhere?
If I can remember that each step holds incredible meaning and purpose of its own, I think I will not be so concerned about getting to the top. About the finished product. Because maybe that’s not what it’s about. It’s about who I’m becoming in the process.
rhythms of grace 