As someone who has chronically struggled with insecurity and low self-esteem throughout my life, I know how to quickly recognize these feelings and where they are coming from. They fueled my passion for psychology, and drove me to discover and understand myself more- and to conquer these isolating and consuming thoughts.
My number on the Enneagram predisposes me to be someone of low confidence- jealous and indulgent in my own emotions if I’m not careful. I’m someone who craves emotional highs, yet revels in the lows; we Fours find a certain comfort in lament. It can become a way of life, a deeply engrained habit of mind that can sabotage our relationships. We are inward and self-focused, consumed by shame and perceptions of our own inferiority and lack of being understood in the world.
Drama, drama, drama.
While not everyone identifies with the Four on the Enneagram, most everyone can identify with insecurity. We have all been through seasons (or lifetimes) when we don’t feel like we are measuring up, when we feel like nothing we do or are is good enough. It’s a sinister under-the-skin feeling that constantly accompanies us as we go throughout our days, and tints our perceptions all of our experiences. It blinds us to what is true about ourselves and the world around us.
Though I’ve come far in my own journey out of inferiority and insecurity, there are still times when it comes back to haunt me. Though I know my worth is fully solidified in Christ, other things will come in and try to threaten that. New seasons and challenges will force me to revisit these old and quite basic themes: that I am loved and cherished as I am- that I don’t need to prove myself or strive to earn it. These fundamental truths need to be routinely replanted and reestablished; they never seem to fully stick and I wonder if it’s a battle I’ll face all my life. I could become discouraged and consequently reinforce the negative cycle, or I can keep rooting myself in Truth. I can keep grounding myself in the Word, and surrounding myself with people who will speak Life into me. I can keep encouraging and admonishing those who fight similar battles. I can keep spending time with my God who never condemns or accuses, but loves me steadfastly and draws close when I cower in shame. The God who loved me before I ever did anything to deserve it.
The temptation to compare ourselves to others will always be there. We will always be inclined to take our eyes off our own path and see how we fare in the rat race of the world, or even the hamster wheel that can be the church. We will see the areas that we lack and our defense mechanisms and self-protection devices will want to kick into gear. Life becomes about self-preservation instead of exploration- we don’t feel safe to express ourselves. My heart is not wanted here, we might think. And it becomes about holding onto the remnants our egos.
Certainly, we must guard our hearts against the evil one. He will bombard us with lies to keep us from reaching our full potential in Christ. But we can stop enabling him by placing ourselves on the front line of combat- by measuring ourselves against each other. The enemy will always try to divide us, and one of the best ways he can do that is by causing us to compete. We were never meant to do that. We are told to love one another:
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
~John 13:34
What if, instead of focusing on our own shame and perceived lack, we lifted one another up? What if by loving others, we actually learned to love ourselves? To see the way He sees us? What if our focus on ourselves is actually hindering us from loving well?
I keep turning my eyes to Him, and keep looking to Him to remind me of my value, because anything or anyone outside of Him either feeds my ego or paralyzes me with guilt and shame. As I continue to put all of my hope and worth in Him, I find freedom from both- I find freedom from myself and the darkness of my spiraling thoughts, and freedom to be myself. To live and laugh and play and love as a child of God, one who is not restrained by image-consciousness or reputation-management. One who is free to pursue Him and delight in Him with all my heart, soul, and strength, nourished by His word and the people He has placed in my life.
We’re all on the same team. Nothing about you surprises or disgusts God, and there is no one you can be other than who He made you.
rhythms of grace 