Category: thoughts

thoughts

coming out of the woods

alyssapebbles

Little guy is four months old now and I am praising the Lord that I truly feel like we are out of the woods of the craziness of the newborn season. It almost feels like a distant memory now–all those sleepless nights, panic attacks and profanity-filled prayers. I don’t know how we made it through but we did. A season that felt like it would last forever has finally passed, and so much quicker than I ever could have expected. The baby sleeps through the night and the hormones have settled and life actually feels joy-filled once again, with a new kind of joy that only a baby can bring.

But there is a part of me that is afraid. Afraid of sinking back into that pit of despair. Afraid that the ball will drop again.

The hard seasons of life have taught me to be skeptical about the good ones. I’ve become jaded enough to expect something to go wrong when things are going right, searching for the dark clouds in a suspiciously blue sky. I wish I could just enjoy the sweetness without anticipating the sour. To embrace the present without worrying about what is to come. But life has trained me otherwise. Life wants me to become a cynic, to expect and plan for the worst. And it has a way of sounding so convincing and logical, so practical and wise–especially with the news headlines these days and the increasingly chaotic and divided state of the world. Perhaps “life” is really just a pseudonym for Satan, who would love nothing more than to see us live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. But that is not the way of faith.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:34

God has a different way for us. He doesn’t allow us to go through hard things to “weather” us or to beat us down. He’s not trying to break us simply for the sake of seeing us suffer, to “teach us a lesson,” or to keep us on our toes. No, quite the opposite in fact. He breaks us in order to make us more whole. Like the pot that is more beautiful once it has shattered and been glued back together by the potter, until we are broken (and accept our brokenness) we can never know true wholeness. A wholeness that isn’t achieved by us trying to put the pieces back together ourselves, but rather by the Potter Himself. He has certainly done so to me through this thing called new motherhood. I had no idea how broken I could be and yet how whole I would become by going through the fire of the early postpartum days. My old self had to be broken in order to become the new mother that my little boy needs–but that breaking process is always a painful one.

The things that He broke in me were things that needed to be broken anyway, regardless of becoming a mother: selfishness, stubbornness, an illusion of independence and an entitlement to my time and needs first. Having a baby was simply the circumstance He used and is using to break me in this season, but He can and will use anything in our lives if we let Him. The choice is not whether or not to be broken (because we will be), but rather whether we allow Him to remake us or try to remake ourselves. It is the classic choice between bitter or better. And I want to choose better.

In these good days with my precious boy, I want to soak it all in. I want to enjoy the stage we are at now where he is cuddly and adorable and so much fun to be with. I want to think only of the now, the beautiful and sacred now. Because, in reality, that’s all we have. Future worries or hopes cannot be clung to, because they may or may not happen. But right now, I have a wonderful family and a roof over my head and life is good. And if the ball drops again (which it will), God will give me the grace to endure it, as He did through the newborn season and every season before that.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

thoughts

a new mom’s (honest) perspective

alyssapebbles

We are almost three weeks in to my little one’s life, and everyone wants to know:

How are you?

And as I have tried to answer that question for myself, all I can honestly say is:

Exhausted

Overwhelmed

Depressed

Anxious

But those are not the things people want to hear. Those are not the things I am supposed to say when we have just been given the biggest blessing of a sweet baby boy.

Don’t get me wrong–I love the little guy more than my very own life. And that’s what makes it so damn hard to feel the things I’m feeling. Every time I look at him a flood of guilt washes over me for feeling this way.

To be honest, I feel like my life is over. Or at least, my life as I knew it. All the freedom and independence I had has been stripped away and my days are now relegated to feeding, changing diapers, sleeping, and repeating in an endless, crazy-making cycle. I am at my baby’s mercy. Any semblance of a schedule is gone–planning my days is nearly impossible now and simple things like keeping the house clean or going out for a walk are now incredibly difficult. On top of that, the sleep deprivation and postpartum hormones contrive together to ensure I can’t process any of this in a normal state of mind. What is this thing called motherhood? It’s so much harder than I ever could have expected or imagined. No books or classes can prepare you for this.

My heart is grieving the loss of what was. When things were easier and I could come and go as I please. When I didn’t have a tiny human who depended on me for survival, while all I can do is try to survive myself. When I could make a schedule. When I was in control.

And I realize that’s what this is all about. That’s what it’s always about: control.

I want to be in control of my own life. I want my will to be done. My way. And this baby was not my will. This was not my plan. And yet here I am, responsible for this precious little life, and as always, I have a choice. I can either keep wishing things were different, or I can accept that this is the charge God has given me. This is the gift God has given me. Often His gifts don’t feel like gifts, until we look back and see how He used them to change us. To make us more like Himself. I can’t say I have that perspective yet, but I’ve seen Him do it in the past with the hardest of my circumstances, so I know He can do it again.

Motherhood is an endless giving of self. It is a death to self. I have such a newfound respect for all the mamas out there, and hope I can be half as good as them as I figure this all out. But for now I’m still in the grieving process, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my son. It doesn’t make me a bad mother. These feelings are normal. And I’m allowing myself to feel them right now, despite what the world wants to see. Despite what other moms portray on Instagram. I’m bringing these thoughts and feelings to God, and we’re working through them together. I’m taking it one day, one moment, at a time, and trusting that it’s going to get better.

thoughts

lemonade

alyssapebbles

I didn’t post last week because craziness of the best (but still overwhelming) kind ensued.

Long story short, God made beauty out of the ashes of our situation. He turned lemons into lemonade, as He tends to do. He always makes a way.

We were offered a nicer, cleaner apartment within our complex that gets afternoon sun, is in a quieter spot, and has an in-unit washer dryer: three BIG wins in my book. Best of all, there is no musty smell. They immediately put our previous apartment back on the market and I am praying that the next occupants don’t get sick. But I am so, so incredibly grateful to have a safe space for our baby that we wouldn’t have otherwise been able to afford had there not been mold in the last one.

Jeremy’s lil nursery beginnings

I knew God was going to come through for us, and it’s amazing to see Him yet again provide for our every need. There is still so much to do before our sweet boy comes, but I finally feel able to settle and nest in our new space. I can finally breathe (both literally and figuratively).

This whole situation has reinforced to me that no matter what, we will be taken care of. As friends and family have gathered around us to support us in this time, I feel overwhelmed by His love and how little I can actually do on my own. And I have a feeling this will be a common theme of my upcoming motherhood…

Dependence.

Perhaps as I take on more responsibility than I feel ready to handle as a new mom, God is asking me to give the weight of it to Him. Maybe instead of feeling weighed down by burdens and heaviness, He wants me to be lighter.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

My life verse. The words that bring my weary soul to rest–words to live by and remember always, especially in the throes of tumult and chaos (which is seeming to be everyday life…)

Adulting is hard enough; I can only imagine what it will be like to be a parent. I still don’t know how to change a diaper and our stroller has not even been taken out of its box yet. I will be far from a perfect mom. But I can’t wait to watch God show up in the middle of it all. I can’t wait to see Him provide again and again, as my faith deepens and grows. This process of surrender is not easy or quick, but rather a lifetime of learning to trust against all our natural and self-protective instincts. It’s a process of letting go of our expectations of what our lives should look like, and instead letting them be what they are: messy, scary, joyful, and everything in between.

This process of surrender is not easy or quick, but rather a lifetime of learning to trust against all our natural and self-protective instincts.

As one trial gets resolved, I know there will be many more to come–but I’m not afraid. Jesus goes before me and has already made the way; I’m only expected to trust and follow. He will continue to bring beauty where I only see ashes, order where I only see chaos. He is working behind the scenes and I don’t have to worry about what my veiled human eyes can see and frail human heart can comprehend. I rest assured of this.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Psalm 34:19

thoughts

surrender

alyssapebbles

So…we have mold.

And I’m angry.

In fact, I’m furious. I don’t understand WHY God would allow this to happen. Again. Right before our baby is due. I want to blame someone, I want to kick and scream and cry and punch a wall. I’m so mad at God and I’m so mad at myself for allowing us to get into this situation. But most of all I feel…helpless.

Completely out of control.

And I hate being humbled in this way, back on my knees.

But I realize I have a choice–I’ve come to a crossroads. I’m weary and exhausted and I can choose to let this all consume me and ruminate in my anger and entitlement to a clean living space and MY plan for our life, or I can surrender. I can actually still choose to trust God, even in this. Even though it’s still confusing and I don’t know the implications of any of it yet, whether we will be able to keep living here or have to move out, I can just. trust.

Maybe it’s easier said than done, or maybe it can actually be easily done. Maybe it is just simply a release, a final surrender of my own will to His. Fighting is so tiring. I’ve been fighting for so long and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Maybe it’s easier to finally just wave the white flag and say “You take this.” Maybe this is what He’s been wanting from me all along and He uses these circumstances to shake me into awareness–I have no control.

None. Zilch.

No matter how much I have planned or prepared or hoped or prayed, things don’t go my way. No matter how much I try to control outcomes, they don’t turn out the way I want. So why keep forcing it and being so sorely disappointed? Why not just allow Him to have His way?

I recognize my anger comes from a sense of what I deserve, but God never promised to give us what we deserve. He promised to give us what we need.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Friends, our foundation is shaky if it rests on anything other than Christ. Anything you have been counting on can be taken from you at any moment–health, friends, family, your job…whatever you hold you dear cannot be what you depend on.

We have to depend on Him alone. I have to, or I will be so utterly destroyed.

I can kick and scream and cry and be rude to customer service people but at the end of the day He’s God and I’m not. All I can control is the way I respond to the circumstances He gives me. And I have to be willing to take both the good and the bad from His hand. He has given me so, so much good–who am I to question what I deem the “bad?” I don’t understand what He is doing but I don’t have to. I just have to keep trusting and believing that His heart for me truly is good and that He is indeed going to provide for me.

Sometimes we can’t understand what it means to truly surrender until we are put in situations where we are forced to, where we realize our own weakness and futility. These are the pivotal moments in our lives when we decide who God really is and if we really, actually trust Him. I’m choosing to trust Him, because I see no other alternative.

thoughts

trust in the storm

alyssapebbles

It’s been tempting not to write a post this week because so much happened in the last week that has given me major anxiety, and normally I would allow myself to just rest. But then I remembered how writing for me is rest. Processing my life through words is one of the most restful activities for me. And I’ve also set a goal for myself to post something every Monday, whether or not it’s perfect or “finished” by my own definition, so this is me holding myself accountable at the same time as sharing my life with you.

This past week we moved into our new apartment, the home I have been dreaming of for the past month and half, envisioning our little family budding up within these walls. And the moving process wasn’t even stressful at all like I thought it was going to be eight months pregnant, thanks to the generous aid of Mitch’s and my parents and brother…no, the stress came from a different source.

A musty smell in the living room.

If you’ve read any of my posts about my health, you might know that I have had chronic health issues since living in a mold-infested apartment two years ago. So a musty smell may not be a big deal for someone else, but for me it causes PTSD. And sends me spiraling into paranoia, fear, and anxiety.

I never anticipated having to deal with this again. This was the exact thing I wanted to avoid in the space where not only we are living but going to be raising a baby–a vulnerable, fragile being who definitely requires a non-toxic environment. To be honest, the fear was absolutely paralyzing for the first few days here and I felt my whole inner world crumbling to pieces.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid the things that have caused us immense pain and suffering in the past, they come back to haunt us. What do we do when this happens? How do we respond to these situations–to God?

I think my immediate response is anger and entitlement. I should not have to deal with this again. I have been through so much with my health; this is absolutely unacceptable. But the anger quickly dissipates into fear and I begin to question everything: I’m already so immunocompromised, how will I survive another exposure? How will this affect my baby? How will we ever afford remediation if it comes to that, God forbid it’s so toxic we have to move out and leave all our stuff behind?

The questions of why and how consume me. I’m thrust back into the dark and chaotic mental place where everything is up in the air and I don’t know where the ground is. My anxiety feeds my physical bodily responses, and I become an ultra-hypochondriac, wondering if my symptoms are related to mold in our apartment or if my own deteriorating psychological state is causing them at this point (most likely the latter). I don’t want to be back here, never thought I’d be back here. Especially now of all times, when the stakes feel so high as we are about to start our new family. Why would God allow this to happen again?

But as I am questioning and doubting and fearing, something inside of me is small and still and reassured. Someone is whispering to my soul that it’s all going to be okay. That even if the worst scenario happens and there is toxic mold in our apartment and we have to leave and get rid of all of our stuff–we will be okay. And I know this peace can only come from the Lord, because it is certainly not originating from me.

We will find out if we have mold in our apartment next week, and until then I am choosing to trust God through my fears. He knows what is best for me and my family, and He will take care of us.

Whatever fear and anxieties are consuming you, God knows what you are dealing with. Trust Him in the storm, not only once it’s over. He will come through for you, even if it’s not the way you wanted or planned.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7

thoughts

direction

alyssapebbles

Ever since graduating from college, and certainly even much before that (though I have felt it most tangibly in the post-college years), I have struggled with finding direction in my life. Perhaps it came to a head as I embarked into the post-graduate world with my heart on my sleeve, ready for all the amazing adventures God had for me in vocational ministry, only to be thrust into the confusing chaos of becoming an adult and having to make my own schedule and define my own path.

I remember vividly the panic that set in that first fall after college when my schedule wasn’t clearly laid out for me like the predictability of quarterly classes that I was used to. I had been living within routines and structure created for me my whole life, and all of a sudden I was supposed to determine how to manage my days and my time all on my own. While it should have been freeing, instead it felt incredibly overwhelming and led to absolute paralysis.

I was terrified of making the wrong move. I was terrified of the weight of the responsibility that suddenly seemed all on my shoulders. I had been hired as the Young Adults intern at a church in Santa Cruz, and I felt like a total hypocrite leading other adults when I had no idea how to be an adult myself. I had never been in a significant ministry leadership role and felt like an imposter. The fear was crippling and utterly debilitating–and I gave into it.

I didn’t trust that God could use me despite my fears. I believed the doubts and the lies that told me I had no right to be in that position. And that led to a series of seasons of deep questioning about everything I had thought I heard from God about His calling on my life.

For the next few years, I bounced around in so many different directions, trying to find a career path that would stick, but nothing really did.

And to be honest, not much still has. To this day, I struggle to discern what my vocational calling is. All the way up until the end of college the plan was to become a Christian counselor, but then God shifted my heart and I felt the pull towards vocational ministry, working directly for the church. It didn’t make sense when it was nothing like what I thought it would be.

I don’t think I’m alone in searching for direction, and I’ve come to realize that I have a lot more agency than I realize. When I was asking God all of those questions about where I was supposed to be headed and doubting every single thing that was in my direct path, I felt completely powerless. I didn’t acknowledge that maybe I was already where I was supposed to be, and that I could take little, practical steps to move forward. I was looking for a big, dramatic answer to my questions, instead of focusing on the seemingly mundane everyday choices I could make. I wanted God to just fix all my problems, give me all the answers, and lay out a clear and direct path for me instead of taking on the responsibility myself, with the skills, talents, and mind that He’s given me to do so.

I didn’t acknowledge that maybe I was already where I was supposed to be, and that I could take little, practical steps to move forward.

I think we fall into a rut when are seeking direction without a willingness to take action. I am certainly guilty of this, and sometimes the Christian culture seems to encourage it when we talk so much about “calling.” We have big dreams for our lives, but if we lack the discipline to achieve those dreams one small step at a time, we will be left constantly discouraged and demoralized. Perhaps the most valuable thing for me over the past few years has been getting practical–getting into the nitty gritty of what it really means to 1) be a disciple of Jesus and 2) move within that framework towards my own personal goals.

Our structure comes from His word. He lays out clearly how to follow Him, and after that… it’s up to us! There is so much freedom within His way for us to get creative in what we pursue. But if we don’t start with roadmap of His word we will be completely aimless and lost.

I’m not one with a natural bent towards structure or discipline. So I have to be extra intentional about how I use my time and need lots of extra help along the way by people who have travelled these roads before me. I’m learning that setting goals, even though it can feel scary or confining, is essential. If I don’t have a goal then I don’t know where I’m going. And I’m also learning that I can’t let my feelings dictate when and how I pursue those goals.

It’s not romantic and it’s not mysterious. It takes dedicated hard work and perseverance to see it through until you reach your goals. There will be lots of failure, and we have to be okay with that. We can’t let failure define us. But if we never even try, we will always be left wondering what we could have achieved.

I don’t want to look back at the end of my life and see all the opportunities I missed because I was afraid to step out in faith. I don’t want to be on the sidelines watching everyone else’s victories while I inwardly envy their determination and grit. I want to say yes to opportunities and directions that ignite my passion, even if they scare me to death.

There is indeed a path for your life my friends, but it’s not going to be magically stumbled upon one day as you sit around dreaming about it. It’s going to be revealed as you put one shaky foot in front of the other. Sometimes we will only be able to see where to put the next foot, and sometimes He may illuminate miles ahead of us, but either way, we are called to move. We are not meant to be stagnant creatures–this world is a dynamic place and it needs dynamic people to make it look more like God’s kingdom.

Let’s set our direction and run after it wholeheartedly.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Hebrews 12:1-3

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thoughts

why you don’t have to keep up

alyssapebbles

Along the theme of my last few posts about social media and voices coming at us from all angles, I feel it’s also important to discuss this idea of “keeping up,” and why it’s utterly exhausting and not worth it.

There’s so much temptation–nay, demand, to keep up with everything in our culture. If we’re not up to date on the news, the current social issues, our friend’s camping trip, and the hot political topics all at once, we are deemed “ignorant,” as if we don’t really care about what’s happening in the world. Well, most of the time I think we all do care; we may just be suffering from compassion fatigue and burnout.

Just like with the voices in our lives, we can only process so much information at once. We can only scroll from the beautiful birth of our friend’s child to the loss of another friend’s dad in the span of 5 seconds so many times before our hearts feel just about ready to explode with the constant back-and-forth of deep pain and incredible joy.

We are not meant to consume the amount of material we are currently bombarded with. We are not built for it. We can’t handle it. It is too much for our fragile psyches.

How do we balance the information we consume with the life we live? I still don’t have an answer. I am still struggling myself, to be honest. I want to be connected. I want to know what’s going on in the world and with my friends. And the internet makes it so dang easy to do that to an obsessive degree. With the tap of my finger I can access worlds.

But I’d rather be the person that missed something important because I was so busy living my important life. I would rather be a little bit clueless and distracted living my life for the Lord than constantly attached to my phone waiting for the vicarious stimulation of someone else’s important event.

I’m not promoting shutting off everything–I just want you and I to find relief from the constant distractions bombarding our souls.

What if we paid more attention to the immediate people in our lives, in our circles, than the people we only see on the screen? What if we got involved in some local issues, rather than letting the fear mongering of the world news make us paralyzed because there’s nothing we can really do? What if we focused on what is right in front of us in this day, and the simple work that God is calling us to do right now, in our analog life?

I write this to you as someone who is still figuring it all out. I am still quick to turn to the screen, but I’m not finding the fulfillment I’m craving. And I sense God calling me to a deeper way of living, a way that isn’t wrapped up in keeping up with everyone else but rather keeping up with Him. Seeking to know what He is up to, what He is doing in my heart and in my circles and in the world. Sometimes that involves other people and social media and world events, but sometimes it’s just between me and Him.

Let’s stay connected, but with purpose.Let’s remember why we’re here and focus on our little part in the story. Let’s create instead of consume.

thoughts

the best is yet to come

alyssapebbles

My husband and I have been apartment shopping. We want to move closer to his work and want an extra bedroom for our beloved little babe. I check Zillow every morning to peruse the new listings for June, and this morning I saw the perfect. one.

It was in our budget, close to Mitch’s work, and even has a waterfront view with a little garden. I immediately started envisioning our little family within those walls, me playing with the baby on the floor in the living room with a cup of coffee in hand while looking out through the floor-to-ceiling windows over the lagoon. It was a peaceful and perfect scenario in my head.

So of course, I reached out instantly in every way possible to the owner, doing some serious digging to find his email address and phone number which were not immediately apparent on Zillow. I requested a tour for Saturday and could feel the hope rising in my chest.

And then the owner got back to me and told me it’s no longer available. My heart sunk. I felt way too devastated, and mad at myself for getting so hopeful in the first place. Mind you, this was after a conversation with my husband in which he chastised me for getting my hopes up too high about things and I rebuked him right back for being too cynical.

Turns out, he was right (and he loved hearing me say that). I do get my hopes up way too high for things. I always have– I am a dreamer. As soon as I set my sights on something I want, I don’t let go. And the inevitable consequence when things don’t work out is a crushed spirit and anger at myself for knowing better.

I realize it is about control. It is about me thinking that I know what’s best for my life. If I had only seen the listing four days ago… I think. But that game in my head is not worth playing, as my husband points out. “If I had only” statements lead to a whole lot of doubting and very little trusting. They are not faith-building statements.

What we see as missed opportunities, God wants us to see as opportunities to trust Him for something better.

“If I had only” statements will drive us absolutely crazy and undermine our whole journey if let them. What we see as missed opportunities, God wants us to see as opportunities to trust Him for something better. He closed this door, so He must have a better one that He wants to open. I know that sounds cliché and like feel-good Christian babble, but I do believe it’s true. I have to believe it’s true, or those if-onlys will eat me alive.

When I look back on my life, God has been nothing but faithful in similar circumstances. When the man I thought I was going to marry and I broke up, I met my husband. When I didn’t get the job I thought would be perfect for me, He gave me a better one. He has always used rejection and disappointment not only to grow my character but to enable me to see what I truly need instead of what I want. But it only comes with hindsight. And that’s not to say that things always work out in the end–there are still a myriad of unfinished stories and questions of how He’s going to provide in my life. But historically He has, so I can trust that He will continue to.

Whatever disappointment or rejection you are facing, try to let it go and move on (after properly grieving it of course–there is nothing wrong with that). Trust that God has more and better for you up ahead, even though you can’t see it right now.

At the risk of sounding totally cliché and upsetting some people by using this verse perhaps out of context, I still think it’s relevant and a lovely reminder when disappointment rears its ugly head:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

*Addendum: the day after I wrote this post, my mom found us a beautiful apartment complex in that same area by the water. We jumped on one of the available units that was miraculously in our price range and got it. It’s available sooner than the other one and and even has an extra bathroom. God is good.

thoughts

life to the full

alyssapebbles

In this hopeful and beautiful time of year, when we celebrate Christ’s resurrection and the new life we have in Him, I can’t help but still feel broken. And not entirely like a new creation yet.

I wanted to do a post on the promise of Easter and the hope of spring using flowery and colorful language, but I’ll be honest: this past week has not been filled with hope for me. Instead it’s been filled with anxiety, doubt, health problems, and a keen sense of defeat.

I don’t feel the victory. I don’t feel the promise.

But the good news is: it doesn’t matter what I feel. It matters what He did.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

He came so that we could have life to the full.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I am fully living. I feel like I give myself so many excuses not to live fully– my health issues, my fear of the future, lack of money, lack of opportunities… etc. But if I’m not living fully now, will I ever? If I don’t learn how to accept my circumstances as they are and trust that Jesus is with me in all of this, how will I ever be able to do that when things get harder, which they inevitably will?

I have been so convicted by my own attitude. By my own willingness to throw in the towel when life gets hard. I read stories of others who have gone through so much worse than me, and yet instead of encouraging me, these stories only add to my guilt.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should be rejoicing and grateful for what I DO have.

But it’s like a disease- the disease of discontentment.

I’m not saying that it’s not okay to grieve and lament your hard circumstances. In fact, I’m saying the exact opposite- grieving before God is the only way to move through them. We are going through Lamentations at my church, hearing about the incredible grief Jeremiah endured and how he cried out before God. That was godly, and that was good.

I’m saying that we have to trust God in our circumstances, ESPECIALLY when they are difficult. It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we trust God when everything is going our way. Only when the trials come do we find out what our faith is really made of. And I’m finding out, once again, that mine is rather flimsy, and very much based on feelings.

Maybe the key to the abundant, full life is not things going perfectly. Maybe it’s living fully where we are, despite how we feel. And trusting that God is going to use all of these hard things for our good. And maybe we need to stop looking around at everyone else and thinking that they are living perfect lives, because that only compounds our own sorrow.

What if we are all struggling? What if there are secret pains and sorrows that we all carry, and yet we portray our lives on social media as if we we weren’t? I know I’m guilty of this. And it’s not wrong to post the good things, but watch what you allow your mind, and your heart, to consume. As I’ve allowed myself back onto social media, I’ve seen the ill effects on my mind again. I don’t even think we realize how much we’re influenced, how comparison is so engrained into our beings.

My life doesn’t look as good as hers, so therefore I am lacking. I am less than, inferior, a mess.

That’s my own inner dialogue, but it’s not what God is speaking to me. But if I don’t take the time to listen and work through my pain with Him, this is what I turn to. This is the easy fix and escape- although it’s not really an escape at all but rather a trap. And I find myself falling into it again, and again, and again.

I don’t think the answer is get rid of social media, but rather to use it wisely. To use it to connect with others, but never, ever, to compare. I have one life to live and living it fully looks different than it does for anyone else. We each are unique and have a subsequently unique story to live.

So, if you are struggling this Easter to feel the joy of what Jesus has done for you and feel like you may be too broken to fix, remember this: nothing in your life is accidental, and you are still invited to the full life right now, in the midst of it all. Though you can’t see it right now, He is working all things for your good, and if you partner with Him in it instead of resisting and questioning and doubting Him, you will see beautiful fruit. I’m in this with you. Life is hard and it probably won’t get easier, but we can let it change us for the better. We can let Him change us for the better. All He asks for is our willingness to trust Him.

thoughts

the God of order

alyssapebbles

For God is not a God of disorder but of peace…

1 Corinthians 14:33

As humans, we try to make meaning out of seemingly random events to make sense of our lives; we want to recognize patterns in order to have some way to interpret our outer circumstances and inner world. When things don’t make sense or feel random or haphazard, we can feel helpless, unsafe, and confused.

I know my own longing for certainty, predictability, and stability is still stronger than I’d like to admit, and yet at the same time I also crave adventure and excitement. How do we reconcile these things? How do we understand a God who is stable, consistent, and never-changing, and yet at the same time disrupts our stability constantly to get us out of ourselves and remind us that He is in control? What part do I have in creating a “stable” life for myself, and how much do I entrust myself to His promptings and leadings that may lead me into places I don’t want to go and not make any worldly sense?

My mind is a chaotic place. This world is a chaotic place. Where do we find our peace and stability, when it doesn’t seem to be available in our outward circumstances or internal reality?

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

Repeatedly in the Bible God reminds us that He alone is our peace. That everything we pursue must be oriented around Him, or there will be no peace for us. I am finding this to be truer and truer in my life, as I find that everything I do apart from Him is fruitless and leaves me empty and unfulfilled. The more I get to know Him, the more my life becomes hidden in Him, and every part of my life can only make sense in the light of His love. Truly I cannot understand myself apart from Him:

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

John 15: 1-4

If we want understanding, order, and peace in our lives, we must remain in Him. We must abide in Him, as His Holy Spirit dwells in us. Any other way we try to perceive the world or our lives will no longer make any sense- and this is completely for our benefit. For we were once like the rest of the world and were able to find peace and contentment in the world, but now we are set apart. Now there is no meaning unless God gives it meaning; there is no peace unless it’s His peace.

What does this look like practically? It looks like every day practicing the presence of God. It looks like spending time with Him, and remembering who He is and His great love for us. Grounding ourselves in truth of who we are because of what He has done for us, and moving forward in strength and confidence in His promises, even when we don’t feel like it. Even when all the evidence around us seems overwhelmingly defeating and we would be tempted to give up and give into the chaos, accepting it as simply the way things are and will always be.

I want to remain so rooted in Him that absolutely nothing can shake me. I want to be so Kingdom-focused and heavenly minded that He is all I see in every circumstance of my life; that nothing can discourage me or cause me to despair, but rather reenforce the gloriousness of who He is. If we can learn to set our eyes on the things above, we will bear fruit and things will fall into place without our effort to make them happen:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

We can trust that He will order our lives as He sees fit, if we prioritize Him in all things. We need to stop fooling ourselves that there is any peace apart from Him, and completely surrender our plans to Him, knowing that He works all things together for our good.