surrender

So…we have mold.

And I’m angry.

In fact, I’m furious. I don’t understand WHY God would allow this to happen. Again. Right before our baby is due. I want to blame someone, I want to kick and scream and cry and punch a wall. I’m so mad at God and I’m so mad at myself for allowing us to get into this situation. But most of all I feel…helpless.

Completely out of control.

And I hate being humbled in this way, back on my knees.

But I realize I have a choice–I’ve come to a crossroads. I’m weary and exhausted and I can choose to let this all consume me and ruminate in my anger and entitlement to a clean living space and MY plan for our life, or I can surrender. I can actually still choose to trust God, even in this. Even though it’s still confusing and I don’t know the implications of any of it yet, whether we will be able to keep living here or have to move out, I can just. trust.

Maybe it’s easier said than done, or maybe it can actually be easily done. Maybe it is just simply a release, a final surrender of my own will to His. Fighting is so tiring. I’ve been fighting for so long and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Maybe it’s easier to finally just wave the white flag and say “You take this.” Maybe this is what He’s been wanting from me all along and He uses these circumstances to shake me into awareness–I have no control.

None. Zilch.

No matter how much I have planned or prepared or hoped or prayed, things don’t go my way. No matter how much I try to control outcomes, they don’t turn out the way I want. So why keep forcing it and being so sorely disappointed? Why not just allow Him to have His way?

I recognize my anger comes from a sense of what I deserve, but God never promised to give us what we deserve. He promised to give us what we need.

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Friends, our foundation is shaky if it rests on anything other than Christ. Anything you have been counting on can be taken from you at any moment–health, friends, family, your job…whatever you hold you dear cannot be what you depend on.

We have to depend on Him alone. I have to, or I will be so utterly destroyed.

I can kick and scream and cry and be rude to customer service people but at the end of the day He’s God and I’m not. All I can control is the way I respond to the circumstances He gives me. And I have to be willing to take both the good and the bad from His hand. He has given me so, so much good–who am I to question what I deem the “bad?” I don’t understand what He is doing but I don’t have to. I just have to keep trusting and believing that His heart for me truly is good and that He is indeed going to provide for me.

Sometimes we can’t understand what it means to truly surrender until we are put in situations where we are forced to, where we realize our own weakness and futility. These are the pivotal moments in our lives when we decide who God really is and if we really, actually trust Him. I’m choosing to trust Him, because I see no other alternative.