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It’s funny how we think we are so in control of our own lives until one little change completely shakes and shatters our confidence. I am reminded how fragile I am and how much I allow the world to define me instead of God, who is the One in which my identity actually lies. We are so easily thrown off course into the wilderness, just like the Israelites, even when we might have believed only minutes ago that we were completely immune to that kind of sinful living.

God has reminded me how selfish I am, how very little I actually trust Him with my life when it comes to down to it. I “trust” Him when I feel in control, but as soon as I recognize that control as an illusion, I am immediately thrown into a fit of fear and anxiety and it’s like all the truth I know has just been thrown out the window. Where does this painful insecurity come from? It is not from God.

I know I am trusting God when there is peace in my heart; when my identity does not feel threatened every moment of the day and I am constantly searching for approval from others, devastated if I don’t receive it. Which is most of the time. If we are looking to other people to affirm our identity we will never be satisfied, because no one person can ever understand you completely. No one person can ever support you completely or love you completely. We live in a fallen world. That is why we need Jesus, so so desperately. Our identities, our souls, are at stake. We have to trust Him with everything or else we don’t really trust Him at all and we are subject to what the world says about us. That’s how it works.

Easier said than done.

So what do I do when the lies and anxiety and pain are so real in my head that I can’t breathe? I have to, have to, give it up to God. I have to let go and realize that it’s not my burden to bear. That God doesn’t want me to suffer in this way- suffer from my own doing: from fear. Trust is not passive; it requires me to actively fight against the lies and see my life for what it really is. It requires me to see the bigger picture of what God is doing and allow Him to do it, knowing that He has my best, and everyone’s best, in mind. It’s time to stop letting fear drive the car.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4:6-7

Vulnerability is scary. It requires us to open up to others even when we do not know the outcome- we do not know how we will be received and perceived. It is a loss of control, a letting go of the image that we wish to uphold. It is is allowing others to see our humanity, and I think it is about the bravest thing one can do.

We live in a culture in which it is very taboo to be vulnerable; we are told to suck it up and make it look like we are thriving whether we are or not. Status and appearance are everything- the less you reveal, the stronger you are. We are told to shove down our feelings and pretend that we are okay when we are not. Showing feelings is showing weakness. But here’s a secret: the more you try to hide and shove down your feelings, the stronger they will become until they nearly swallow you whole. They will consume every part of you until you can no longer function and feel like you are going to burst unless you let them out.

Now I’m not saying you should go around as a completely open book, unleashing your problems and worries on every person you meet throughout the day. That is not vulnerability- that is seeking attention. Oversharing is a real thing, and if we don’t guard our hearts by revealing too much too soon, we will get hurt, no doubt about it. I know this well from experience. There are appropriate times and appropriate people to share with what is on our hearts, and it takes good judgment to know when those times are. However, this doesn’t take away the uncertainty of the response. But at that point it doesn’t matter anymore- it is not about the response. It is about the freedom that comes from letting go of the pain inside of you, of letting another person see you as you are; take it or leave it. It is about connection and reaching out, communicating that you need help and are not perfect. It is about repentance and coming before God and others in admittance of the imperfect human you are and your desperate need of the unfailing grace of our Father. That is where the freedom comes from: not that we will always be received well by people, but we will always be received well by God. In fact it is in our most vulnerable moments that He embraces us and we are able to connect with Him more fully. We come to know that we are unconditionally loved and accepted as we are, and there is no reason to pretend anymore. We no longer have to keep doing the exhausting work of maintaining our image and micromanaging others’ perceptions of us. We are free to be who we really are, warts and all.

We need to stop looking at vulnerability as weakness, because it is not. Vulnerability is strength, a quiet, beautiful kind of strength that you must re-train your eyes to see. Stop carrying your burdens alone- that is not how it was meant to be. Be vulnerable with God first- trust Him with your burdens and then, with your trust and foundation in Him, you won’t be afraid to be vulnerable with others anymore because their opinions don’t matter; the only opinion that matters is God’s and He is always delighted when His children come to Him in need and weakness. He is our one source of strength, and he provides people in our life who He equips to support us. Stop trying to do it on your own; lean on God’s grace.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9

As someone who is rather emotionally inclined, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing for me. Why I chose to live in the rainiest state in the country is beyond me, but maybe it’s because God wanted to teach me how to be led by His stable and enduring grace instead of my flimsy and constantly changing emotions. Feelings are so deceptive and misleading. If you’re like me, you can allow them to dictate the truth of who you are and of your life if you’re not careful; when I’m sad, I’m worthless and my life is a mess; when I’m happy, I’m loved and valuable and my life is great. What an unreliable foundation!

And yet sometimes the sadness is a downward spiral that I can’t will or pray myself out of no matter how hard I try. And it becomes bigger than me- not only am I hopeless, but so is the world and everyone around me. Instead of looking inside myself to see what’s really going on (which is usually something rather trivial to be honest) I project it out to the world around me. And believe me, it’s not difficult to find the negative in the world if you’re really looking. All you have to do is turn on the news or walk down the homeless-infested streets of Seattle. It is so easy to lose hope. And that is why we need a Savior who gives us everlasting hope, hope that doesn’t depend on our current mood or even our current world. It’s an enduring and perfect hope that can never be diminished by anything we encounter in this world, because it is not of this world. Our hope is in the Lord, our Creator and Sustainer. He is the beginning and the end we have to look forward to as followers of Christ. And therefore, if we look to His perfect and glorious plan which is not dependent on anything we do or don’t do, feel or don’t feel, say or don’t say, we will not be shaken. Praise the Lord!

I know it can be hard to get out of bed sometimes-to face yet another dreary, rainy day- but you must keep showing up. You must keep trusting that even though things feel out of control and hard right now, they will not feel this way forever. This too shall pass. Hold on to something more stable, something that will truly sustain you. Hold on to Christ. He is holding onto you.

We live in a culture that praises stress and busyness, as though those are the ideals that we need to attain: to be as busy as possible, as stressed as possible. You are praised if your calendar is completely full without a minute to spare; if your mind is going a million different directions at once and you suffer from multiple breakdowns a day. Why is this a good thing?

As someone who not only is interested in mental health but also a follower of Jesus, it drives me nuts sometimes to live in this twisted culture, where rest is regarded as laziness and stress as strength- a pillar of endurance. Especially among college students, the category I fall under, the busier you are, the more chance you have of going somewhere in life, of being someone.

What if we were all just rushing around in circles, instead of actually making progress like we seem to think we are? What if all this chaotic busyness, overstimulation, stress and burnout were actually hindering our potential to be who we truly want to be, who we were made to be?

God never says anywhere in His Word to keep every last minute of your day occupied. Nope, instead He invites us to rest. He invites us to be people of rest, and people who invite others to rest. When we are swarming around trying to get more things done in a day than should be done in an entire year, we are inviting others to do the same. We are sending the message that you are not good enough unless you are doing something, being productive, working towards your future…etc. And we are sending that message to ourselves.

Once you realize that you have value apart from what you do, simply in who you are, you no longer have rush around and be stressed out all time. You begin to be more intentional about how you spend your time, who you spend it for. You get more done by doing less. Your priorities are rearranged and you see how much time you’ve wasted on meaningless things. Ask God for eyes to see. I have and He has shown me how much of the things I used to care about and spend so much time on are hollow, empty pleasures- distractions from Him. His way is a simple way, a way that doesn’t even require anything from us besides obedience and trust. If we’ll say yes to Him, we can finally let go of all the things that have been sucking our souls dry and see that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:29). He will show us how to spend our time, and He will also allow us to rest, because rest is critical for rejuvenating our souls and our relationship with Christ.

So stop spinning your wheels and get to know our Father. He has so much better for you.

God has a way of rejuvenating our spirit when we are lost and desperate and needy for Him. There is something so powerful about second chances, new days, New Years. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). He refreshes my soul when I have completely emptied it of anything worthwhile or substantial; when I have chosen the fleeting pleasures of the world over the lasting pleasure of living for Him. Why is this a lesson I have to relearn over and over again? Why do I forget God’s goodness, His faithfulness?

If we are not constantly refreshing ourselves, our souls, in the Word, we will forget. It is inevitable. Just as with anything you dedicate your life to, anything you worship, you spend great time on it.

You. Have. To. Spend. Time. With. God.

You will not grow in your faith and in yourself unless you do, unless you are constantly seeking Him. Seek, and you shall find, knock, and the door will be answered (Matthew 7:7-8). We forget because we spend too much time giving our hearts away to other things: TV, school, social events, our pets…you name it. In a world full of endless possibilities of idols we can worship, there is only one person that truly matters and will truly transform your life, save your life: Jesus. It is so good to be reminded, and I know the journey ahead is long and not easy; but it is so worth it. It is the only journey that really matters in the end-the journey of faith. And God gives me joy and endurance in the present to keep pressing on towards the goal. He will give it to you to.

We are always looking at what we don’t have and what we want. But when we want Jesus-truly, deeply, desperately want him- we are no longer in want. What a glorious revelation! We are finally content and finally able to live in the present, to embark on the adventure set before us without seeing lack. I have always loved the idea of abundance, and that is what God gives us: an abundance of grace, love, peace, hope, joy, strength, courage, and love. All things are possible through Him. All things. I am filled with so much hope for the new year, 2017, not because of the goals I set for myself but because of the goals He has set for me. Because He is doing a good work in me and will continue until the day it is completed (Philippians 1:6). All I have to do is keep reminding myself, and saying yes, and obeying. He wants to completely transform me and my life. We think the new year is about transforming ourselves, but its about letting Him change our very beings to become more like Jesus. It takes a constant and conscious surrendering of all that we are before Him, knowing He has more than enough to give us- more than we could ever possibly imagine for ourselves. Trust Him, and say yes to the journey.

The best is yet to come.

As I have mentioned many times before, I have always struggled with self-worth. It is not something that I think will ever go away, but there are ways to manage it, and let me tell you right now: beating yourself up and criticizing yourself is about the worst way to manage it. It shuts us down into a tight ball of shame that takes so much soul nurturing to come out of. I have experienced this way too many times and I never want to again, nor see anyone else go through the same thing.

Why do we treat ourselves so unkindly sometimes? What evolutionary purpose does it serve? What causes the onset of these critical and condemning voices? First thing’s first: the condemnation does not come from God. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that He is trying to whip you into shape by pointing out every last flaw until you change and become perfect. This. is. not. possible. That voice is called Perfectionism and it is essentially the Devil in disguise- seeking to kill and destroy our souls. Perfectionism tells us that once we become perfect (in any facet- appearance, status, money, job, family, you name it) we will be happy. Except one little caveat: that will never happen. You cannot and will not ever become perfect in any area of your life. Perfectionism is fear and control-based; it shimmies into our lives as a result of us feeling dissatisfied by something about ourselves or our life and feeling the need to control and fix it instead of giving it up to God, who is really the only one who can actually fix it. We are fooling ourselves!

I have to learn this lesson over and over again. It may actually be the most important lesson I’ve learned in my life, and yet somehow I keep forgetting it. Somehow I keep letting the little gremlins into my mind that tell me I’m never good enough, never doing enough, that I will never be who I am supposed to be. I become so consumed in this negative identity and spiral of thoughts that I become hopeless and I forget that Jesus is right there begging for me to give myself some grace because He already has. We fall into pits, and we think we can dig ourselves out but we only dig ourselves deeper in.

Jesus is the one who lifts us up out of our pity-party, our miserable wallowing in our own brokenness. He knows we’re broken- that’s why He came. It is because of Him that we no longer have to dwell in that place; He saved us from our worst enemy: ourselves. I am amazed every time I remember this truth and begin to see from a new lens, how all of a sudden it is so much easier to offer myself grace and forgive myself when I remember that I have already been given grace and been forgiven. It’s a miracle! I am free! I am free to fill my mind with truth and goodness and hope and joy and let go of the critical, condemning voices. I am free to pursue wholeness, instead of perfection; oneness with God. He is not disappointed in me, and He is not disappointed in you. We are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else, especially God. He loves us as we are, no matter how much of a mess we may feel. It is from that place of unconditional love that we can grow and change and become even more of who we were meant to be. Shame shuts us down and doesn’t allow us to change; God’s love makes it impossible not to change.

So stop trying to fix yourself. That’s God’s job. Listen and trust, and learn to rest in Him. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30

Psalm 119, from the Message version: A reviving prayer

 

You’re blessed when you say on course,

walking steadily on the road revealed by God.

You’re blessed when you follow his directions,

doing your best to find him.

That’s right–you don’t go off on your own;

you walk straight along the road he set.

You, God, prescribed the right way to live;

now you expect us to live it.

Oh, that my steps might be steady,

keeping to the course you set;

Then I’d never have any regrets

in comparing my life with your counsel.

I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;

I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.

I’m going to do what you tell me to do;

don’t ever walk off and leave me.

 

How can a young person live a clean life?

By carefully reading the map of your Word.

I’m single-minded in pursuit of you;

don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted.

I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart

so I won’t sin myself bankrupt.

Be blessed, God;

train me in your ways of wise living.

I’ll transfer to my lips

all the counsel that comes from your mouth;

I delight far more in what you tell me about living

than in gathering a pile of riches.

I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,

I attentively watch how you’ve done it.

I relish everything you’ve told me of life,

I won’t forget a word of it.

 

Be generous with me and I’ll live a full life;

not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road

Open my eyes so I can see

what you show me of your miracle-wonders.

I’m a stranger in these parts;

give me clear directions.

My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous! —

insatiable for your nourishing commands.

With your very own hands you formed me;

now breathe your wisdom over me so I can understand you.

When they see me waiting, expecting your Word,

those who fear you will take heart and be glad.

I can see now, God, that your decisions are right;

your testing has taught me what’s true and right.

Oh, love me–and right now! –hold me tight!

just the way you promised.

Now comfort me so I can live, really live;

your revelation is the tune I dance to.

Let the fast-talking tricksters be exposed as frauds;

they tried to sell me a bill of goods,

but I kept my mind fixed on your counsel,

Let those who fear you turn to me

for evidence of your wise guidance.

And let me live whole and holy, soul and body,

so I can always walk with my head held high.

 

I’m homesick–longing for your salvation;

I’m waiting for your word of hope.

My eyes grow heavy watching for some sign of your promise;

There’s smoke in my eyes–they burn and water,

but I keep a steady gaze on the instructions you post.

How long do I have to put up with all this?

How long till you haul my tormentors into court?

The arrogant godless try to throw me off track,

ignorant as they are of God and his ways.

Everything you command is a sure thing,

But they harass me with lies. Help!

They’ve pushed and pushed–they never let up–

but I haven’t relaxed my grip on your counsel.

In your great love revive me

so I can alertly obey your every word.

 

What you say goes, God,

and stays, as permanent as the heavens.

Your truth never goes out of fashion;

it’s as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.

Your word and truth are dependable as ever;

that’s what you ordered–you set the earth going.

If your revelation hadn’t delighted me so,

I would have given up when the hard times came.

But I’ll never forget the advice you gave me;

you saved my life with those wise words.

Save me! I’m all yours.

I look high and low for your words of wisdom.

The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me,

but I’m only concerned with your plans for me.

I see the limits to everything human,

but the horizons can’t contain your commands!

 

Oh, how I love all you’ve revealed;

I reverently ponder it all the day long.

Your commands give me an edge on my enemies;

they never become obsolete.

I’ve even become smarter than my teachers

since I’ve pondered and absorbed your counsel.

I’ve become wiser than the wise old sages

simply by doing what you tell me.

I watch my step, avoiding the ditches and ruts of evil

so I can spend all my time keeping your Word.

I never make detours from the route you laid out;

you gave me such good directions.

Your words are so choice, so tasty;

I prefer them to the best home cooking.

With your instruction, I understand life;

that’s why I hate false propoganda.

 

By your words I can see where I’m going;

they throw a beam of light on my dark path.

I’ve committed myself and I’ll never turn back

from living by your righteous order.

Everything’s falling apart on me, God;

put me together again with your Word.

Festoon me with your finest sayings, God;

teach me your holy rules.

My life is as close as my own hands,

but I don’t forget what you have revealed.

The wicked do their best to throw me off track,

but I don’t swerve an inch from your course.

I inherited your book on living; it’s mine forever–

what a gift! And how happy it makes me!

I concentrate on doing exactly what you say–

I always have and always will.

 

I hate the two-faced,

but I love your clear-cut revelation.

You’re my place of quiet retreat;

I wait for your Word to renew me.

Get out of my life, evildoers,

so I can keep my God’s commands.

Take my side as you promised; I’ll live then for sure.

Don’t disappoint all my grand hopes.

Stick with me and I’ll be all right;

I’ll give total allegiance to your definitions of life.

Expose all who drift away from your sayings;

their casual idolatry is lethal.

You reject earth’s wicked as so much rubbish;

therefore I lovingly embrace everything you say.

I shiver in awe before you;

your decisions leave me speechless with reverence.

 

I stood up for justice and the right;

don’t leave me to the mercy of my oppressors.

Take the side of your servant, good God;

don’t let the godless take advantage of me.

I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, waiting for you

to keep your promise to set everything right.

Let your love dictate how you deal with me;

teach me from your textbook on life.

I’m your servant–help me understand what that means,

the inner meaning of your instructions.

It’s time to act, God;

they’ve made a shambles of your revelation!

Yea-Saying God, I love what you command,

I love it better than gold and gemstones;

Yea-Saying God,  I honor everything you tell me,

I despise every deceitful detour.

 

Every word you give me is a miracle word–

how could I help but obey?

Break open your words, let the light shine out,

let ordinary people see the meaning.

Mouth open and panting,

I wanted your commands more than anything.

Turn my way, look kindly on me,

as you always do to those who personally love you.

Steady my steps with your Word of promise

so nothing malign gets the better of me.

Rescue me from the grip of bad men and women

so I can live life your way.

Smile on me, your servant;

teach me the right way to live.

I cry rivers of tears

because nobody’s living by your book!

 

You are right and you do right, God;

your decisions are right on target.

You rightly instruct us in how to live

ever faithful to you.

My rivals nearly did me in,

they persistently ignored your commandments.

Your promise has been tested through and through,

and I, your servant, love it dearly.

I’m too young to be important,

but I don’t forget what you tell me.

Your righteousness is eternally right,

your revelation is the only truth.

Even though troubles came down on me hard,

your commands always gave me delight.

The way you tell me to live is always right;

help me understand it so I can live to the fullest.

 

I call out at the top of my lungs,

“God! Answer! Ill do whatever you say.”

I called to you, “Save me

so I can carry out all your instructions.”

I was up before sunrise,

crying for help, hoping for a word from you.

I stayed awake all night,

prayerfully pondering your promise.

In your love, listen to me;

in your justice, God, keep me alive.

As those out to get me come closer and closer,

they go farther and farther from the truth you reveal;

But you’re the closest of all to me, God,

and all your judgments true.

I’ve known all along from the evidence of your words

that you meant them to last forever.

 

Take a good look at my trouble, and help me–

I haven’t forgotten your revelation.

Take my side and get me out of this;

give me back my life, just as you promised.

“Salvation” is only gibberish to the wicked

because they’ve never looked it up in your dictionary.

Your mercies, God, run into the billions;

following your guidelines, revive me.

My antagonists are too many to count,

but I don’t swerve from the directions you gave.

I took one look at the quitters and was filled with loathing;

they walked away from your promises so casually!

Take note of how I love what you tell me;

out of your life of love, prolong my life.

Your words all add up to the sum total: Truth.

Your righteous decisions are eternal.

 

I’ve been slandered unmercifully by the politicians,

but my awe at your words keeps me stable.

I’m ecstatic over what you say,

like one who strikes it rich.

I hate lies–can’t stand them! —

but I love what you have reveale

d.Seven times each day I stop and shout praises

for the way you keep everything running right.

For those who love what you reveal, everything fits–

no stumbling around in the dark for them.

I wait expectantly for your salvation;

God, I do what you tell me.

My soul guards and keeps all your instructions–

oh, how much I love them!

I follow your directions, abide by your counsel;

my life’s an open book before you.

 

Let my cry come right into your presence, God;

provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.

Give my request your personal attention,

rescue me on the terms of your promise.

Let praise cascade off my lips;

after all, you’ve taught me the truth about life!

And let your promises ring from my tongue;

every order you’ve given is right.

Put out your hand and steady me

since I’ve chosen to live by your counsel.

I’m homesick, God, for your salvation;

I love it when you show yourself!

Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,

use your decrees to put iron in my soul.

And should I wander off like a lost sheep–seek me!

I’ll recognize the sound of your voice.

 

 

 

We have choices to make every second of every day. We think most of them are trivial, and yet they all add up to become habits and lifestyles. The small choices we make today can have big implications for our daily life and our well being.

What does it look like to live deliberately and intentionally? I watched a sermon by a pastor at a church in Portland, Oregon, who talked about slowing down. He talked about how living deliberately means to stop racing the clock. We will never have enough time, even if we added ten hours to each day, as the pastor put it. But we can make time for the things that are important by cutting out the things that aren’t- the things that drain our mind, body, and soul.

Since my summer in Bellingham, I have felt a strong pull on my heart to go back to the basics- with what I eat, what I wear, how I spend my time, and what I focus my heart on. It’s a call back to my natural self; the self that is in harmony with Jesus, living the “unforced rhythms of grace.” It is living “freely and lightly”- completely countercultural. Swimming upstream. Eliminating those things in our lives that are harmful to our spirits, whether that is processed food (our bodies are temples) or obsessively checking our smartphones every two minutes. The things that we consider part of our daily lives, dictated by our consumerist, manic culture, are actually killing our souls. We have never been more anxious, depressed, or lonely.

What is the answer? Living deliberately the way Jesus lived. Doing one thing at a time; living completely in the present, unafraid of what is to come. Not rushing through our daily activities, but leaning fully into them. Being aware and awake. I want to be awake. I want to be alive and free and joyful and new. That is the promise when we take up our cross, and the yoke is easy, the burden is light. Living like Jesus is not a chore- its a cure. Its a cure to our insane culture that is sucking the lives out of us.

Put down your phone and take up your cross.

Matthew 11:28-30

We don’t like to be uncomfortable. We don’t like to be confronted with our own shortcomings, the things we’ve tried to ignore for so long until they are no longer ignorable. But discomfort is the way God enables us to grow. Lean into discomfort. 

I was forced to face my own privilege on a mission trip serving the homeless this past weekend. We took an old homeless man to Chipotle, and sat with him as he told us the story of his life and the pain he has gone through in broken English. His name is Eddie and he grew up in Bosnia. He was a sniper in the war and spoke of a constant companion of PTSD that had followed him since. His family and his heart was broken, and as I looked into his tear-stained eyes I couldn’t hold it together. I was forced to face the pain in this world, the pain that those less fortunate than I have had to go through. Why does God allow this pain? I couldn’t bear it.

Staring into Eddie’s eyes changed me. It made me uncomfortable. It made me have to acknowledge the fact that I have so much privilege I don’t know what to with it; that I have a warm home and supportive friends and family and a good school and food whenever I want it. I’ve become so comfortable with my privilege that I complain when I have to be outside in the cold for more than five minutes or unglue my eyes from Netflix to help a friend out. I’ve become so comfortable with my privilege that I have to look away when I see that others are not as privileged as I am. I don’t deserve it, but surely God doesn’t want me to be ashamed. So what am I supposed to do?

The weekend was hard for me, to be sure, but it sparked something in me. It reminded me that my heart has been distracted, that I have been caught up in trivialities and lost my close relationship that God that I once longed for; that I keep choosing comfort over calling. God calls us to be uncomfortable- to step out of our comfort zones and into the unknown, into the uncertain. Because it is in that place where we learn to trust; when we can’t rely on ourselves and our own capabilities, when we are forced to look at our own selfish hearts and see how far we have to go, we must turn to God or else will be swallowed up in self-loathing. And God isn’t disgusted with us, with our privilege and laziness and complacency, although He should be. Rather, he is merciful and offers us grace and forgiveness. The conviction is never meant to shame, but rather to grow. However, if we continue to ignore His calling and live on as we were before, the shame will be inevitable.

God does not want me to be ashamed of my privilege, but rather grateful. Everything good in our lives is a gift from God, and if we acknowledge that instead of taking for granted all that we are blessed with, God will continue to provide. He doesn’t want me to fix homelessness or do anything drastic, but rather choose His way in each small moment; smile at a homeless  person as I walk by, or donate 10% of my earnings to a charity. We have been given so much, and if we use those gifts for good God will be pleased.

It’s so easy when tensions get high to let negative energy build and build. The little nuances of a seemingly hostile glance or over exaggerated sigh can speak the words we are afraid to say, the confrontation we don’t want to have; that passive-aggressive interplay which ultimately can destroy a friendship. I find myself in the position of hating, rather than loving, which is what Christ commands and therefore I should be practicing.

I felt rather convicted after talking to a friend today, who is nothing but compassionate and life-giving, and felt as though my words were harsh and life-sucking. I realized it was because of the hatred I was letting build up in me and had nowhere else to diffuse. Hate is a powerful thing, a thing we never want in our lives. It only kills and destroys. And yet here I am, letting the subtle and sneaky vines of hate creep into my heart. It is only as I listen for God’s voice that I can see it’s gnarled fingers clawing at my being. And I refuse to let it take hold.

There will always be difficult people in your life; people that you don’t see eye to eye with. People that make you want to scream and cry and yell and punch things. There will always be these people. And it is easy to hate them, it really is. It’s the easy thing. The hard thing is recognizing them as fellow, struggling human beings. People who need love and hope and a friend to come alongside them, as Jesus did. There is already so much hate in the world that adding yours is going to make no difference- but practicing love, well that will make all the difference. Difficult people don’t expect to be loved. They don’t expect to be treated kindly when they treat others unkindly. They don’t expect anyone to care about them. So love them, treat them kindly, care about them. See what happens. And don’t expect to be loved in return. Give it freely and unconditionally. It will change them, from the inside out. That is what Jesus’ love did for us. I know its hard, sometimes even impossible. Sometimes I would rather throw something. But you want to know a secret? Love heals.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7