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Even to this day, when I believe I am whole and saved and new and free, the lies can be relentless. One of the enemy’s favorite tactics is to subtly get into our heads and make us believe things that are utterly not true. And then I’m whacking myself over the head that I still let his lies become my truths, which give him the chance to whisper even more disparaging things about me and those I love…it’s a never ending cycle and I buy right into it almost every time.

Our minds lie to us.

I have been struggling with lies for as long as I can remember- mostly lies about my fundamental worth as a human being. I have seasons where I am able to experience victory over them, but other seasons where I am not. And this can be discouraging, because even when I recognize them as lies, they still are able to take hold of me sometimes…okay, like, a lot. What happens when you know truth but it’s not setting you free? Where is the transformation I have been searching for? Where is the love I don’t feel like I’m receiving?

It’s all there, but I’m unwilling. As long as I’m unwilling to listen to truth, the enemy is in charge. The lies will call the shots and I will be left in the dust, wondering, once again, what is wrong with me. Why does this keep happening? Why am I so unloveable? But the thing about lies is just that- they are lies. They can only have so much power over me, because in the end, truth prevails. It wouldn’t be truth if it didn’t have the victory. So when I am choosing to believe the lies about myself and my identity, I am living in a fantasy world. No wonder it never ends well. Truth is the reality, and when we are grounded in reality, in God’s reality, we can’t go wrong. Healing and transformation will happen, whether we like it or not. But we have to let go of the safety and comfort that the lies have been offering us our whole life.

It’s easier to believe that I am unlovable than take the chance of being rejected. It’s easier to believe that I am not enough and give up than actually try and fail. It’s easier to believe I will never change than allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in me, which requires that I lay down everything at His feet. It’s easier to listen to the lies. They keep me safe. But they also keep me chained. And God wants us free.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” ~Galatians 5:1

Judgment is perhaps one of the easiest traps to fall into as believers, or maybe another word could be self-righteousness, the sin of pride and arrogance- the sin of believing you are better than others. But judgment is not only directed toward others; by it’s very nature it is directed at the self. The more you judge yourself, the more you will judge others, and the less you allow God to do His job.

I am so humbled, once again, by what God has been trying to show me- the sinful and selfish nature of my own heart. I so quickly and easily pass judgment on others, holding them to a standard that I deem worthy and pointing out each time they fall short. Where does this unforgiving and merciless criticism come from? It can only be because I hold myself to the same standard (the standard of perfection) and of course fail to meet it myself. I am trying to be the master of my own fate, and when I cannot be, I take the seat of Judge and try to master others, or at least puff myself up to be better in order that I can look down on them and at least feel like I’m not that bad. At least I pray and do a devotional every day and read my Bible…at least I’m more devout than them…

And all the while a cruel, insidious hostility is building up inside me along with the wall that separates me from those God is calling me to love.

When I hold myself to a standard of perfection instead of allowing God’s grace to penetrate my life, you can be sure I will hold others to that as well. And guess what- we ALL fall short. All of us.

So who am I to judge? I am just as likely to stumble as the next person- trust me, I know my own weaknesses and my inability to ever become the person I am trying so desperately by my own strength to be. And that is why He is asking me to give up the Judge seat. It is not my place, and frankly, it is too much work anyway. I’m exhausted.

All I can do is love those as flawed and imperfect as I am, knowing that I need grace as much as the next person. Nobody is perfect, and God does not hold us to a standard of perfection anyhow. He gives us grace when we don’t deserve it, so the least we can do is offer it to those as little deserving as ourselves.

Getting off your high horse isn’t easy, but it’s so necessary. I feel the burden lifted from my soul as I allow God’s radiant love to envelop and destroy my pride. I’m not in charge. He is.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” ~Matthew 7:1-5

When I hear the voice of urgency telling me that everything must be done RIGHT NOW, that is when I know it is time to step back and slow down. The voice of urgency is not the voice of God- it is the voice of anxiety, and I have become so familiar with it that I unwittingly obey every time, a slave to its never-ending demands. I must do everything, all at once, or else I will completely forget about it and my life will fall apart and (insert anxious doom-thought here)! Do, do, do! -that’s what it cries. It gets to the point where I cannot even sit down for a meal without checking my email, text messages, and Facebook as I shovel down my frozen Trader Joe’s tamales-all in the space of two minutes.

This is not God’s way.

Instant gratification is one of the greatest evils of our society, as my psychology professor is quick to (correctly) point out. Multitasking is a highly praised skill (even though it is not actually possible) and the quickest fix is the best fix. If you aren’t working through your to-do list as fast as possible, you aren’t really working at all. My needs and wants are the most important thing right now, and everyone must pay attention to me. Grab what you want in life when you can because you are your own advocate and if you don’t look out for yourself, who will? Run, push, step on, shove!

God laughs. Don’t you see your madness?

Urgency is a trap, it is selfish, and it robs the joy from the present. There is another way: intentionality. Intentionality focuses us on the present instead of making us worry about the future. It allows us to enjoy what we are doing, where we are, as imperfect and flawed as it may be. It acknowledges that there are things that need to get done, but also that those things will get done at the right time and in the right way, and that is out of our control. Urgency is all about control- my way! my time!. Intentionality is about setting us free to do the work we are made to do and to do it completely and fully, instead of the busywork that brings us no fulfillment or enjoyment.

So when I hear the cry of Urgency trying to fluster and flounder me (which is almost every second of the day), I will choose to listen to Intentionality instead- to be absorbed in what I am doing and know that I am doing it for the glory of Christ, even if it is scrubbing the crust off of the dirty fork in the sink for the millionth time. He wants us to be fully engaged with where we are, instead of hastily running a race to nowhere. There is no fulfillment or satisfaction in urgency, but with intentionality we can learn to slow down and hear God’s voice…and intentionally obey.

I love to escape- run away when things get difficult. I’ve never been good at confrontation; I’m “flight” all the way. Because running away is so much easier, right? You never have to face the problem, it’s all in the past and you can put it behind you.

But we know this never works- I know it never works.

Lately my escape tactic has been to look into the dreamy future, pondering over all of the possibilities and amazing experiences God has in store for me after I graduate and get out of the city and all of the (meaningless) hustle and bustle that seems to accompany my every day life. I. feel. claustrophobic. Small spaces and no privacy and unnecessary stress and TOO MUCH TRAFFIC.

Too many people. Too little time. Too little God.

Where is God in the city? Where is He in my hundred-person, secular classroom? Where is He among indifferent roommates and endless cloudy days? So if I can’t find Him here, I will run away from my present. There is no treasure here. I want freedom. I want wide open spaces.

But me he caught- reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning. They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me. He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved- surprised to be loved! ~Psalm 18:16-19 MSG

So I envision a future where I am free from all the worries of the world, immune to the chaos and hate that is present everywhere I look. I hate messiness- I like black and white. It is all too exhausting, and I want to give up on everyone, because everyone always disappoints and falls short of the glory of God. If I can just get away, I will be happy and free, finally free. All or nothing.

But God sees in color.

Where I see nothing of worth, His treasures are laid out, hidden among the rubble. Where I see dead ends, He is making a new path. Where I see lost relationships, He sees healing. Where I see confined spaces with too many people, He sees opportunities to love.

God wants me to be here, now. We must steward what He has given us now, or He will not be able to bless us. When I try to escape my situation, I am removing myself from His provision and His blessings. The abundant life is already here, it is already yours! Freedom is already available, because we are free in Christ when we turn all of our attention to Him and His redeeming powers. He works all things together for our good. This is only a passing season in my life and my ungratefulness will only make it more agonizing.

No matter how trapped you feel right now, freedom is yours. Bring everything to God- your worries, hopes, fears, and deep, deep desires, and He will fulfill and satisfy your every need. Maybe it won’t be in the way you want it, at the time you want it, but that is how He grows your character. Lean into your present and you will be delivered. The Lord promises good things to those who patiently endure.

I’ve learned by now how to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. ~Philippians 4:12

As the season of Lent begins, I am reminded of the significance of the seasons of waiting in our lives, of how God uses those seasons to mold us and shape us into who we need to be.

Waiting is perhaps one of the most difficult of spiritual disciplines.

I find that I myself have the attention span of a gnat; I can’t sit still for more than an hour at a time and constantly feel the need to rush around, as though time is a limited resource when in reality God gives us all the time we need, if we’ll just trust Him. I’ve been anything but patient these last few months, always trying to take my desires and needs into my own hands, unwilling to allow the outcome to be in His.

Patience is so hard because it requires us to be instead of do. We are a doing people: we know better how to manage a task that’s in front of us than to wait for an outcome that is out of our control. Patience requires that we stop our meaningless flailing (because that is what we do when we are not trusting God) and allow a deeper and more substantial truth to enter our lives, a truth that we simply have to wait for. It is painful and it is frustrating, but it is so rewarding in the end. Hold on to that.

This season of Lent, I would like to learn how to rest in the waiting; how to be okay with not knowing all the answers and simply being present in the now. The present is all we get, so we need to make the most of it. God will reveal things to us when the time is right- you’ve seen Him do this in the past and you know He can be trusted to do it in the future. His promises never fail, so we can be assured of that during our season of waiting. And when we come out of it to the wonderful joy that God has prepared for us ahead, we will rejoice with gladness that we stuck with Him.

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. ~1 Peter 1:6

Christ asks us for no less than total commitment to Him. When we are wishy-washy and dabble in sin, surrendering parts of ourselves and our lives to him but holding back other parts, He is not pleased. And neither will we be. We humans are good at compartmentalizing, allowing God only into the areas of our lives we don’t care as much about or know we can’t control. But when it comes to what we really want, need, and hope for, we are afraid of giving it up to Him because we don’t know what the outcome will look like. Yet if we say we are for Him, we have to be all in for Him. There is no half-hearted Christian walk. We are either all in for Jesus or we are not in at all.

The only way we can actually make progress in our faith is if we give Christ our undivided, full attention, in all things- especially the things that mean the most to us. What is your greatest desire in life, what is it that you hold back from Christ because you are so afraid of committing it to a power greater than yourself? Because that is the thing that you need to give up, right now, or it will destroy you. I’ve learned the hard way over and over again that not committing to Christ in one way is not committing to Him at all, for if we hold back one part of our life, nothing fits together the way it should, the way that God has planned.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

God weaves all the seemingly unrelated moving parts of our lives together into a story that makes sense and is uniquely tailored to each of us, which is why we have to give Him all the parts of our story. If we hold back some of it, the story will not be complete. We cannot live in sin and simultaneously live in Christ- the two cannot coexist. And that’s why we feel that tension when we are not living the way we know we should. Surrendering the parts we choose to is easy; surrendering the parts we don’t want to is hard, but it’s the only way to grow. God asks for everything and our resistance draws us away from Him, even if we feel that we are committed in every other way.

All God asks for is a willing heart, a heart completely open to Him and His ways in our life, no matter what happens. Whether or not we get our way is irrelevant, because a life committed to Christ is an abundant and whole life, and it is so much better than the life we could ever possibly dream of. Surrender it all to Him in total commitment, and you will be fulfilled beyond imagination.

We are constantly settling for so much less than God has for us. We allow life to give us what we think we deserve- no more, no less. And yet God wants to give us what we don’t deserve. He wants to give us more than we could ever imagine. Why do we settle?

You have to come from a place of knowing, knowing how much worth you have in Christ, that He desires more for you than you could ever possibly desire for yourself. It is above our understanding; we can’t wrap our minds around it, and yet we must live into it or else we will never be fully satisfied. I feel the yearning for more in my life- I am not satisfied because I am looking to everyone but Christ to satisfy me, which will never amount to anything but more dissatisfaction. God doesn’t work on my terms and my timing but I keep trying to force Him to.

My way! My way! I’m screaming in my head. I feel like I’m about to explode with longing.

What do I long for? Certainly not what’s not good enough. Which is what I chase after, stupidly thinking each time it’s going to fulfill that aching hole in my soul.

It won’t. Why do I have to learn this lesson over and over again? There is no harmony, no peace in stubbornly pursuing my own agenda. There is none, don’t fool yourself. I’m sick and tired of it. I’m fed up! What’s the solution?

It’s not easy, giving up what you want. You think your plan is really great, right? I think mine is. I like my plan a lot. It seems unfair that God doesn’t like my plan, that He insists on making me wait and be patient. I don’t feel patient. I don’t feel like waiting. I want what I want, and I want it now. I’m a five year old throwing a temper tantrum.

But luckily, God is patient with us. He will let us throw our fit. We can wrestle with Him-Jacob did.

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

That’s what I feel like doing- demanding a blessing from God. I’ve waited long enough and I’m ready to be blessed, to experience victory. And God wants that for me too. He doesn’t want me to be complacent. But He is also a loving Father and needs to correct me. He won’t let me have my way when I am complaining like a child. What is to be gained if I get everything I want, when I want it? Spoiled, rotten pride and self-righteousness.

So once again, I find myself surrendering to His will, because my own leads to death. I can’t escape the pain that I cause myself, but there is another way. I know I will come out of this stronger than before, closer to God and His will for me. Maybe right now I don’t believe that His promises are better than what I have in mind, but it’s not up to me. I’m not in control, and neither are you. So let’s stop wasting our time and settling for less than the abundant life of Christ.

I find myself in the struggle of trying to keep up with everything that is going on and perpetually feeling left behind-confused, broken, and gathering up the pieces of what I thought was my life. I feel restless and rebellious, but also hopelessly lost. I don’t cling to Christ because I am angry and frustrated at what He hasn’t given me, what I deserve!

And at the same time I know that I am being selfish. But I am sick of being walked over and stepped on- by the world and by the own confines of my mind, the limits that I place on myself and on God.

God has no limits. He is everywhere, in every nook and cranny of your life, and His plan for you cannot be deterred no matter how far you stray; no matter how much you refuse Him.

As I wrestle with God in this place of confusion and frustration, I am learning to let go. To let go of who I thought I was and what I thought I was constrained to do, and realize that there is an incredible freedom available to me. It is not a freedom that I come by on my own efforts-clearly they lead me nowhere. It is the freedom of ending the crazy madness of measuring up, of letting the world define me and bring me down and mess with my mind and my soul.

I’m so tired.

He’s still there, waiting patiently for me to return with open arms. He won’t condemn me when I come and He won’t list out my wrongs. He won’t tell me I’m stupid or that I need to grow up. He won’t tell me I’m hopelessly lost or that I’ve ruined my future, even though I feel like all those things are true. Even though I am more comfortable condemning myself than accepting a grace that I don’t deserve.

No, instead he’ll hold me. He’ll tell me He loves me. He’ll tell me that I am enough. He’ll tell me to rest, and trust Him. I am weak, but He is strong. He will show me the way back to abundant life, a life that I cannot manufacture- a life filled with His grace and mercy and hope. I am set free, if I will receive it.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folks in their prime stumble and fall. But those wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind. ~Isaiah 40:31 Message version

Change is hard. You don’t need me to tell you this. You know it so well, have experienced it so many times that you have become accustomed to its unsuspecting but all-encompassing grip on your very foundation. Yet it still rocks you, still catches you off-guard and knocks the wind out of you every time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Everything has its season, and sometimes we try too hard to hold onto the seasons that are in the past; the seasons have changed and yet we try to remain the same.

We are not the same. We are different, transformed, and new- every day. This is the resurrected life that Jesus has called us to. There is no going back to who you used to be. You have been changed and your life is different now than it once was. And that is such a good thing.

I find myself constantly either living in the past or living in the future. I have a hard time staying in the present, engaging with where I am right now. Maybe that’s because I am such a dreamer, but it is so incredibly damaging to my well being. I’m scared to move forward so I stay stuck in the past, but the past only drags me down and haunts my very bones. I am not who I was, and the things that happened to me or that I chose in the past do not define who I am or what choices I get to make today. Change is inevitable and it is crucial, because change is growth. Change means we are growing and learning and things are not the same; can no longer remain the same. It’s hard because it requires dying of self, which is always painful and never easy. It requires letting go of old ways of being and taking on the new form Christ has for us.

For me it looks like letting go of being a victim. It looks like using the resources that God has giving me to produce fruit, abiding in Him so my branches don’t die off and produce nothing. Through God, I can experience victory because He has already triumphed. I no longer need to feel sorry for myself or just let life happen to me as a passive bystander. No, God is calling me to change: to be someone who stands up for herself and others; who, coming from place where she knows she is loved, is able to go out and love others. God is my defense and my refuge- I don’t need to defend myself or live in the past anymore. I am changed, and so are you.

It is never too late to change and if you don’t make the first move, God will. Change is scary, yes, but without change there is no growth, and without growth there is no life.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10