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There is so much to be afraid of in our world. Sometimes it feels like we are heading toward the end times, or even already in the end times. Natural disasters, crazy politics, rapidly advancing technology…where will this all lead?

Yesterday as I flew back from California to Washington, I had a panic attack as we experienced unprecedented turbulence. I have terrible flight anxiety and reeled in my window seat as the two guys next to me probably thought I was losing it. In those moments of complete panic and terror, I had to let go- let go of everything I thought I had control over- let go of my own life. I had to surrender to God, trust Him with my very life and acknowledge that I have. no. control.

We have the illusion of control in this world, but it is just that- an illusion. And the more we try to tighten our grip, the more out of control we will feel. That is because we were not created to control; that’s God’s job. We were created to enjoy God’s creation, to enjoy His design for our lives instead of our own. Instead of grabbing for money, power, and control, which are all motivated by fear, we are to let go and allow God to bless us abundantly. This feels risky, but it is so much better than trying to hold on to everything, only to lose it all in the end.

Before we hit the turbulence, God blessed me with an incredible sunset view; one that I would never be able to see if I had not reached those heights. He enabled me to face my fear of flying- the ultimate test of trust- and empowered me with His grace and beauty. We don’t need to be afraid, and aren’t meant to be afraid. God is more powerful than any of the things we are afraid of, even death itself.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ~ Psalm 23:4

Home is a weird thing. Home, meaning the place you grew up in. Is that home? Or is home where the heart is, as they say?

When I come home, for Thanksgiving and Christmas and Spring break and summer, I feel like I’m transported to the past. My “home” is the place where I grew up, where I had the same friends for eighteen years and experienced heartbreak and sadness and joy and freedom. But I was also chained, as many of us were, growing up. Not by my family, not by my friends- by my own mind. I battled depression for so much of my life, but didn’t even know to call it that. I was unhappy in middle school and high school. That’s why coming home can be so painful sometimes; seeing the places that caused me so much angst and anxiety. But it gets easier every time, and now home is different than it was. Now I can come home and feel peaceful, not anxiety-ridden. Now I can drive past my high school, where I spent so much time hating myself, and feel a separation. There is no emotional attachment anymore, or at least only a remnant.

The problem was me, it was always me. And when I come home, it’s easy to revert back into that old me, the me that I am no longer. Something about family can bring out the worst in us- but it can also bring out the best in us if we will let it. If we will let our homes not ensnare us and keep us chained but rather experience the freedom of overcoming those old ways and remembering that we are new creations, we are not who we used to be, then home can be an old place and a new place. A place of redemption.

Sometimes I don’t like who I am when I come home. I fight with my brother, act entitled and materialistic, and fall back into old habits. But each time, I bring with me parts of my new self- my new interest in nutrition which allows me to connect with my mom in a different way; my understanding of politics and world news which helps me have intelligent conversations with my dad; my new sense of humor to joke with my brother. Although I may have once been ignorant and selfish, I have changed, and I have to remember that. I have to remind myself constantly that I am not who I was, because that is the Devil’s favorite way of capturing us: making us believe we can never change. He is terrified that we can and do change, because then he has no power over us. Then we never have to allow those things that used to bind us hold us anymore. God has created us new and changed and with God on our side, who can be against us?

I am so grateful for the way I was raised, the privilege I had and still have. I have more than I could ever possibly need or want, and that is not something I need to feel guilty about. Rather, God asks me to give, and give abundantly, all that I have. He asks me to be a steward, and a steward I shall be. I am growing and changing and learning, but it is good to have a reference point to come back to every now and then.

Friendship can be beautiful. Friendship can be painful. Friendships change, as we change and the other person changes. Sometimes our growth aligns; sometimes it doesn’t. When it doesn’t it can be hard, when we become two different people than we used to be. When we don’t laugh at the same things anymore or misunderstand each other. When one is stuck and the other is blossoming. When jealousy, bitterness, and competition rear their ugly heads. When there is an underlying tension that nobody wants to speak aloud.

Friendship is a hard thing, but it is a necessary thing. Without our friends, we cannot survive. We cannot be alone- that is not how our Creator made us to be. Alone we die, but together we thrive. Our friends help us find our way when we are lost, break through our walls when we’ve barricaded ourselves, lift us up when we are down. Without our friends, we are hopeless.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Though we may grow distant from our friends at times, there is a deeper bond between us that will last- the friends that you haven’t talked to in ages that you can just pick up where you left off when you see them in person, the reconciliation of a friendship gone sour with a simple hug and knowing smile, the common enemy that brings us together, to support one another and fight the good fight.

Jesus is our friend- He is the best friend we will ever have. And even when we feel lonely, we can know that we are not alone. He sees every tear and knows every joy we experience. And He is right there with us when we are hurt, a shoulder to cry on. He knows us inside and out and loves us unconditionally, like our best friends do. Never take that for granted, that friendship. It is one of the truest blessings and most powerful pieces of Heaven we will ever get to experience on Earth. The heart of Jesus can be seen in our very best friends.

There will be growing pains, but don’t give up. You are loved.

Sometimes we really need closure. Need for closure is a trait that some possess, but others do not. I like closure. A lot. And I got closure this weekend. At least a fraction of closure, a little something straight from the heart of God. God doesn’t always want to give us closure- he wants to test our patience and not give us all the answers we want; not allow us a quick-fix which will really fix nothing in the end.

But God is good and He knew I needed healing and He provided- in the form of good company, old, abandoned campgrounds, and long, reflective drives. Going back was something I both longed for and dreaded, because I didn’t know what kind of emotions would be brought up and what kind of brokenness I would re-experience. I left that place in despair; I came back with hope. God met me there, not with spite but with mercy after mercy and a hummingbird in the dead cold: my personal symbol of freedom. I needed to go back, and He knew I needed to go back. I am so grateful I did. I am so grateful for where He has brought me since this summer and how much deliverance I have experienced from the anxiety and fear that overtook me, the spirit of oppression that weighed down my weak and fragile heart. In reliance on Him I endured, and overcame, albeit a little rough around the edges. It was He who created relationships in my life that I am beyond thankful for- people that bring me to the edge of myself and show me what it means to truly live, to truly see as He sees. Free people. This summer I met the freest people, and I became one. I am freer today because I was shackled. I have hope because I was hopeless. Isn’t that always the story?

Don’t run away from your pain. There is deliverance on the other side, I promise you. I promise you that God is good and even though it doesn’t always feel like that- even though it sometimes feels like the walls are pressing in on all sides and you can barely breathe, or make it another minute. God is there and He will deliver you. The pain ends. And the pain grows you. Oh, it grows you. And then you will look back on it and understand, and you will thank God with a thankfulness that words can’t speak.

I don’t want to become complacent. I have tasted the incredible beauty of what God has to offer us, and I don’t want to miss it because I am distracted, because I am reliant on only myself. The stars shine brightest when the night is the darkest, so don’t run away from the night. The night is scary, but you are not alone- you are never, ever alone. I don’t want to forget what I experienced this summer, as hard as it was. I want to hold onto those moments with God that were unlike any moments I had ever known before. I received closure this weekend, but that does not mean it is over. My story is still being written and so is yours. All of ours are in the Big God Story, where all of our lives are intertwined and one day we will look back and see how it all makes sense. If it doesn’t make sense right now, it’s okay.

Maybe we don’t need closure-maybe we need Jesus and that is enough. I think it is enough.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30

I don’t know much about politics, but I know enough and care enough to know that we are headed down a dangerous path with the latest election, the very first presidential election I was eligible to vote in. This is disheartening.

While many grieve throughout our country, many are celebrating, and as much as we want to be spiteful and hateful towards those who elected a dishonorable man to be our president, we cannot and absolutely should not. This divide is exactly what the devil wants- always to divide. The more he can pit us against one another, the more he can have his way in our lives. Friend against friend, husband against wife, mother against daughter…this is the working of the Evil One. And while many people may be looking at Trump as the Evil One, he is merely a man, influenced by sin as we all are. We can demonize him all we want, but the real Demon is lurking behind all of our snarky comments and growing hatred. Trump may have won the election, but we cannot let the Devil win our hearts.

We have a Savior we can cling to during the times to come, knowing that He will be our rock and safe place when we may not feel safe or grounded. He calls us to be patient and forbearing during trials, and so we must be. Most of all, we must come together as a nation and support each other, regardless of our political views. As long as there is discord and conflict, we are vulnerable to the Enemy. Let’s not let him have his way.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. ~John 16:33

When we feel attacked, we often want to attack back. An eye for an eye, a nose for a nose…whatever you want to call it. But as children of God, we are asked to respond differently to conviction- not to seek revenge or act out but to learn from our mistakes and offer ourselves the grace that Christ so freely offers us. Easier said than done.

There is something utterly threatening to our very being when we know we must change our ways, whether that means being less materialistic, changing the way we interact with others, or ending some bad habit or addiction. It is an experience of cognitive dissonance, as I have learned from Social Psychology: acting in opposition to what we believe and our values- basically being a hypocrite. We are good at talking the talk, but do we really walk the walk?

I notice when I feel convicted, the way I see the world around me is tinted. I am annoyed easily, I get frustrated by people; I am ultimately angry at myself. I always know that’s what it comes down to-this disappointment in the way that I am not living up to God’s expectations for me, acting out of selfishness instead of conviction. But God is so gracious and does not hold our sin against us, so we don’t have to hold it against ourselves. Sometimes I find it easier and more comfortable to live in guilt and shame (because it is what I have always known) than to acknowledge my sin and bring it before Him, and then move on. It’s the moving on part that is scary- the part where we have to actually change our ways and live differently. We would rather be miserable than live into that scary freedom that Christ offers us–we think.

Instead of being consumed by anger, guilt, or fear, what if we allowed God to mold us and shape us through our sin, through our repentance? What if we truly let go of those things that hold us back, even though they are comfortable restraints? Last night I heard a sermon about the little gods we worship- health, beauty, success, relationships. These are gods we have known for so long that giving them up can feel like the most painful thing, when in reality giving them up opens us up to an entirely new and free way of life. I know my little gods: vanity, materialism, self-righteousness. I don’t want them in my life anymore, and God doesn’t either. Give up your little gods for the one Big God. It’s worth it.

God inspires us to be our best selves, to live into that amazing plan He has specifically and uniquely for us. We feel it in our guts, this feeling that we were created for something more than our current existence, that we were created with a purpose and a meaning. We can find utter fulfillment in our calling, in what Christ has called us to spend our lives doing.

Sometimes I feel this deep craving within myself, a yearning really, for Heaven. I know that’s what it is, because nothing else can explain this longing to experience something real and incredible and beautiful and true. It comes to me in moments of silence, and it comes to me in moments of music- music. Music speaks straight to the soul, straight from the Lord. It digs down dip into my core and inspires me to live into all that God has for me. God has spoken to me through music for as long as I can remember, through the power of an instrumental crescendo and orchestral climax, the power that mere words can never have. When I listen to music, good music, I feel like I can do anything, be anyone. What is that? Where does that come from? I know where it’s from; I know who it’s from.

I have always been emotionally in tune with myself, and with God. I feel things very deeply, which I think is why I am so affected by music- it speaks directly to the emotions, which reside in a deeper place in us than we can comprehend, close to the space of the soul. Over the years I’ve learned to reign in my emotions and come to understand how they are not encouraged to be expressed so vividly in our society, but sometimes all I need is that reflective and releasing cry for no reason- a cry of pain and a cry of joy- a cry of gratefulness. Yes, sometimes I cry because I am so grateful for all God has blessed me with. This has been happening often recently, as I look at where I am and how far I’ve come, simply by relying in faith on the Lord. He is so good, and he creates a resilience and trust in us that cannot be cultivated without the pain and the trials. Though this summer was the hardest of my life, I have come out of it so much stronger and with so much more compassion and creativity. I feel as though I have been awakened to myself and to all that God has for me- abundance. He is a God of abundance, and the more you accept his gifts graciously, the more He will give. It is all too much. I am overflowing.

Now, full of hope and joy, I can give back. I have been inspired; now I can inspire. I have a story to tell, and so do you. We all do. We all grow and change and live and move in the Spirit, who guides us if we let Him. He wants to take us on an adventure, one like we’ve never experienced before, one that will force us to face our greatest fears but also experience the most profound of joys. All we have to do is say “yes, Lord, take my hand and lead me.” He will.

“I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they’ve got planned.” ~Beauty and the Beast

God gives us so many opportunities every day to say yes to Him. All it takes is courage and a willingness to give up excuses. I should know: I am the queen of excuses. Often I put my “well-being” above over what I know God is asking me to do, making the excuse that I won’t get a good night’s sleep because it will take extra time out of my day or my body won’t be able to handle it. I treat myself as though I am so fragile, even though God made us so resilient and able to handle more than we think we ever could. This is not to say that we should constantly be risk-seeking and doing crazy things “in the name of Jesus”; rather it means the good old Bible definition of sacrifice: laying down our lives for the cross, even if that means we have to give up our health, time, energy, or money. God will make up for it in the end- whatever we give Him will be given back to us a thousand times over and more. It’s worth it.

Sometimes saying yes is as simple as going on a run with a friend when you don’t feel like it, and the fulfillment that comes with getting to know her better and learn more about yourself. Sometimes it is as huge as dedicating three months of your life to a mission trip in Haiti. Whatever you are saying yes to, if it is from God, it is significant and has eternal implications. It’s so easy to prioritize “important” things over the one thing that matters most: Jesus. Yes, school is important, staying healthy is important, getting a good night’s sleep is important; but when they become more important than God they can become forms of idolatry. We have to be willing to give up everything, every last thing, for Jesus.

Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:39

As  I mentioned before, worthiness has always been an issue in my life- feeling good enough, feeling like what  I have to offer is enough, feeling valuable. Sometimes the shame hits so hard like a ton of bricks, and for no reason. It’s a little demon inside my head that starts accusing and pointing the finger, almost instantaneously. I can go from cooking dinner with my best friend to retreating into my room overcome by feelings of guilt and utter worthlessness. There’s nothing that specifically triggers it- maybe the small things throughout the day: the way my hair looked messy today, the grade I received that wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be, the way I wasted my time watching TV instead of doing something more productive. Yes, the little things add up to one big shame monster that comes to devour me out of nowhere. On the surface these things seem shallow-so what if I didn’t get the grade I wanted or my hair wasn’t quite up to par? What’s the big deal? Everyone has bad days. But something about the mediocrity of these events triggers every other shaming event I’ve experienced and all of a sudden all I can remember is these feelings, these feelings that make me want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone and everything, including God.

Brené Brown is a shame researcher and one of my biggest inspirations. In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) she defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” She also writes these words, which I resonate with greatly:

When I feel shame, I’m taken back to this place of smallness where I lose that sense of context. I’m returned to a small place- I can’t see everything else. It’s just a small, lonely place.

I couldn’t put it better myself. Shame is a dark, lonely place that no one ever wants to be, but so many of us find ourselves in that place so often. God never intended us to experience shame- guilt, sure, but not shame. Shame is vague and scary and has to do with who you are fundamentally, while guilt can be pinpointed to a specific action and rid of with repentance. Shame can be inescapable because it tells you that you are less than human, and will never change. You are stuck in the past, stuck as who you used to be.

I have a lot of regret over my past that I’m still trying to come to terms with; regret over opportunities that were never taken out of fear, regret over the ways I hid. This summer was a big turning point for me because I had to face my fears and face myself: face my Shame. It was a dark place, but because I had to face that I am so much stronger and equipped to handle it when it comes up again without wallowing in self pity, which is a big temptation for me. The biggest thing I learned was the utter importance of reaching out when we are stuck in shame; if we let it fester inside and hold onto it, it will only grow and grow, but once we expose it- have the courage to be vulnerable- it can’t live any longer. So many great friends supported me through my shame storm this summer, and I would have been eaten alive if I hadn’t reached out to them.

God says we are new creations. We don’t have to hold on to the past because He doesn’t. He forgives us and we need to forgive ourselves. He sees us as new and whole and complete in Him, not broken from our past. Who I was doesn’t determine who I am now. Praise Jesus.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ~2 Corinthians 5:17

What does it mean to be a good steward?

Jesus tells the parable in Matthew 25 of a man who sends off three servants to invest their money and return with more. He gives one servant five bags of gold, and this servant earns five more bags. When he returns, his master says “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:21).

We are told that if we are good stewards of what we have, God will give us even more. He has put this on my heart lately: the concept of stewardship. I’ve been thinking about it for a few months now, thinking about what it means to be a steward of what I already have, to invest in my life as it is right now instead of stand back and wait until something better comes. Maybe what we have doesn’t look like much; maybe it is easier to fantasize about a grand and exciting life than to humble ourselves and tend to the mundane tasks set out before us in our everyday lives. If you’re anything like me, you know this is true. I’d much rather stare out a window and dream about the day when I fall madly in love with the man of my dreams than clean the dirty dishes in the sink or snake the hair out of the shower drain. But it is when we get lost in our fantasy lands that what truly matters is lost as well- living in the present, the here-and-now. Being a good steward means being present and content where we are, no matter how dull and unseemly it may be. If we are faithful with a few tedious things, God will put us in charge of many things.

Not to say that there isn’t much reward in the trivialities of everyday life. Considering most of our time is occupied in the space of ordinary living, God invites us to find Him amidst the dull repetition of our days, so much so that we can stop seeing it as dull repetition and instead see each day as an opportunity for God to show up. Soon our little mundane tasks become privileges instead of chores, as we turn our attention toward God and go through our routines to glorify Him. I’ve seen this in my life: when I stop seeing each task as an inconvenience and instead a way to serve others, God, or myself, the task is much easier to carry out. That is the starting point from which God will bless us if we remain faithful and invest in our lives fully.

The concept of investing is also compelling to me because I often feel that I float through my life, “go through the motions” so to speak, without truly investing myself completely in what I’m doing. I think this is common; we are a species that is afraid of commitment. But part of stewardship means investing, like the servant with his gold, in what we have. Maybe that means mending a broken relationship that we would rather just leave behind, or getting back up after a failure; trying again when we feel like giving up. Stewardship is engaging with what we have-the resources God has given us. We all have valuable resources, whether we recognize them or not, and we can choose to acknowledge and invest in them.

For me, being a good steward looks like waking up each morning and devoting my day to the Lord, treating my body well with good, nutritious food, showing love as best I can to those around me-in my classes, at church, at the grocery store, working hard at school to leave open opportunities that God has for me in the future, and so much more. God has entrusted me with the resources I have for a reason; now it’s my turn to steward those resources so God can bless me abundantly through them and give me more than I could ever imagine.