closure

Sometimes we really need closure. Need for closure is a trait that some possess, but others do not. I like closure. A lot. And I got closure this weekend. At least a fraction of closure, a little something straight from the heart of God. God doesn’t always want to give us closure- he wants to test our patience and not give us all the answers we want; not allow us a quick-fix which will really fix nothing in the end.

But God is good and He knew I needed healing and He provided- in the form of good company, old, abandoned campgrounds, and long, reflective drives. Going back was something I both longed for and dreaded, because I didn’t know what kind of emotions would be brought up and what kind of brokenness I would re-experience. I left that place in despair; I came back with hope. God met me there, not with spite but with mercy after mercy and a hummingbird in the dead cold: my personal symbol of freedom. I needed to go back, and He knew I needed to go back. I am so grateful I did. I am so grateful for where He has brought me since this summer and how much deliverance I have experienced from the anxiety and fear that overtook me, the spirit of oppression that weighed down my weak and fragile heart. In reliance on Him I endured, and overcame, albeit a little rough around the edges. It was He who created relationships in my life that I am beyond thankful for- people that bring me to the edge of myself and show me what it means to truly live, to truly see as He sees. Free people. This summer I met the freest people, and I became one. I am freer today because I was shackled. I have hope because I was hopeless. Isn’t that always the story?

Don’t run away from your pain. There is deliverance on the other side, I promise you. I promise you that God is good and even though it doesn’t always feel like that- even though it sometimes feels like the walls are pressing in on all sides and you can barely breathe, or make it another minute. God is there and He will deliver you. The pain ends. And the pain grows you. Oh, it grows you. And then you will look back on it and understand, and you will thank God with a thankfulness that words can’t speak.

I don’t want to become complacent. I have tasted the incredible beauty of what God has to offer us, and I don’t want to miss it because I am distracted, because I am reliant on only myself. The stars shine brightest when the night is the darkest, so don’t run away from the night. The night is scary, but you are not alone- you are never, ever alone. I don’t want to forget what I experienced this summer, as hard as it was. I want to hold onto those moments with God that were unlike any moments I had ever known before. I received closure this weekend, but that does not mean it is over. My story is still being written and so is yours. All of ours are in the Big God Story, where all of our lives are intertwined and one day we will look back and see how it all makes sense. If it doesn’t make sense right now, it’s okay.

Maybe we don’t need closure-maybe we need Jesus and that is enough. I think it is enough.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. ~Matthew 11:28-30