As I mentioned before, worthiness has always been an issue in my life- feeling good enough, feeling like what I have to offer is enough, feeling valuable. Sometimes the shame hits so hard like a ton of bricks, and for no reason. It’s a little demon inside my head that starts accusing and pointing the finger, almost instantaneously. I can go from cooking dinner with my best friend to retreating into my room overcome by feelings of guilt and utter worthlessness. There’s nothing that specifically triggers it- maybe the small things throughout the day: the way my hair looked messy today, the grade I received that wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be, the way I wasted my time watching TV instead of doing something more productive. Yes, the little things add up to one big shame monster that comes to devour me out of nowhere. On the surface these things seem shallow-so what if I didn’t get the grade I wanted or my hair wasn’t quite up to par? What’s the big deal? Everyone has bad days. But something about the mediocrity of these events triggers every other shaming event I’ve experienced and all of a sudden all I can remember is these feelings, these feelings that make me want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone and everything, including God.
Brené Brown is a shame researcher and one of my biggest inspirations. In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) she defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.” She also writes these words, which I resonate with greatly:
When I feel shame, I’m taken back to this place of smallness where I lose that sense of context. I’m returned to a small place- I can’t see everything else. It’s just a small, lonely place.
I couldn’t put it better myself. Shame is a dark, lonely place that no one ever wants to be, but so many of us find ourselves in that place so often. God never intended us to experience shame- guilt, sure, but not shame. Shame is vague and scary and has to do with who you are fundamentally, while guilt can be pinpointed to a specific action and rid of with repentance. Shame can be inescapable because it tells you that you are less than human, and will never change. You are stuck in the past, stuck as who you used to be.
I have a lot of regret over my past that I’m still trying to come to terms with; regret over opportunities that were never taken out of fear, regret over the ways I hid. This summer was a big turning point for me because I had to face my fears and face myself: face my Shame. It was a dark place, but because I had to face that I am so much stronger and equipped to handle it when it comes up again without wallowing in self pity, which is a big temptation for me. The biggest thing I learned was the utter importance of reaching out when we are stuck in shame; if we let it fester inside and hold onto it, it will only grow and grow, but once we expose it- have the courage to be vulnerable- it can’t live any longer. So many great friends supported me through my shame storm this summer, and I would have been eaten alive if I hadn’t reached out to them.
God says we are new creations. We don’t have to hold on to the past because He doesn’t. He forgives us and we need to forgive ourselves. He sees us as new and whole and complete in Him, not broken from our past. Who I was doesn’t determine who I am now. Praise Jesus.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ~2 Corinthians 5:17
rhythms of grace 