Category: Uncategorized

As I embark on yet another season of unemployment sooner than anticipated and still months away from my little one’s due date, I find in myself a yearning to make the most of this precious time. Not to put pressure on myself or feel guilty for not using every minute to it’s maximum potential, but rather to do what we are called as believers to do- to use our time well, because the time is short and this life is a vapor.

Making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

Ephesians 5:16-17

I know that God will not punish me for wasting time, and that sometimes using time well can even look like “wasting time.” I have found that a good nap can be an excellent use of time.

That being said, I know I have a tendency to make excuses for myself. Excuses about why now is not the “right time” to pursue something I know that I should. I’m not in the right mood. There’s more important things to do (like laundry!). I’m too tired. I don’t feel good.

The list goes on… and the things I know God is calling me to get put on the back burner over and over again. The things I’m truly passionate about. The things I love to do and was made to do. The kingdom-building things He’s put on my heart.

I wonder if we all stopped making excuses for ourselves and finally just did the thing?

So my intention in this next season is certainly to prepare for the arrival of our child (who is kicking me as we speak!), which will certainly keep me plenty busy, but also to finally sit down and write. And make music. And spend time with friends and read good books and clean the apartment!

And all of these things have weight and worth- none is more important than the other. The key is to do them when they need to be done, and not when I feel like it. God’s kingdom is at hand now, not sometime in the distant future when I’m ready for it. So I pray that I will learn how to hold myself accountable and use this gift of time he’s given me well.

Like the tattoo on my wrist that reads “steward,” I hope to embody this as I steward this beautiful gift of time.

This past week I had the wonderful pleasure of a phone encounter with an estranged friend.

Some events had transpired months ago and I was afraid our friendship had dissolved. There was no explanation and I felt hurt and confused by my dear friend.

But then she reached out. And it got me thinking about God’s beautiful heart for reconciliation, and the power of two torn-apart souls rejoining and rejoicing together.

It made my heart so happy to know how much she cared. To hear the truth and to know that the guilt had weighed so heavy on her all this time- that’s how much she cared about me and our friendship. And to hear her relief when I told her I had already forgiven her long ago.

I think about many different ways that conversation could have gone. And I think about how bitterness can take root if we are not careful, and allow us to further divide rather than come together. If I had reached out to her sooner perhaps there would not have been so much hurt. Perhaps we let broken relationships carry on for much too long when a simple word of forgiveness can change everything.

I thank God for the wonderful friends He has given me in my life, and for the endurance of the friendships that are meant to last. I know that no matter what happens or how far apart physically or emotionally we may feel, I will always have these people in my life. The people that stick by me and keep coming back.

I know it is a gift that not everyone has. I know some relationships never mend. But sometimes the pain is what it takes to test the strength of the relationship. And we come out stronger on the other side. And the healing is deeper and we are closer than we were before.

While my heart sings and dances for the little bundle of joy that’s forming inside of me, I also feel a certain and totally unnecessary sense of shame and irresponsibility. I look at the culture around me and no one my age is even married, let alone having babies.

I had the same sense when I got married before all my friends as well. Am I rushing through my life? What do others think of my choices?

I am plagued by the worries of what other people will think of me, and I find myself wishing we lived in another culture, one that doesn’t look down on marriage and family life but embraces it. My best friend lives in Kentucky, where everyone my age is married and on their second or third child. I long to be surrounded by those who understand what I’m going through, because here at times I feel so utterly alone. It’s easy to become discouraged.

But then I remember that my story is not my own. I don’t have to worry what others think because I’m not writing this story- He is. He gets to take the credit and the blame. And He wants to do something radically different with me than those around me, even if it is completely counter-cultural. Even if it illicits judgment. Even if it makes me feel alone.

I’ve always had a desire to be unique, and I wonder if God hasn’t placed me in this culture for that reason. To stand out as faithful in circumstances that many people might look down upon. Here in Silicon Valley, career is an idol. Relationships come second, and children aren’t had until both adults are completely stable and established, usually in their 30s to 40s.

I am 25 and work a front desk job. We don’t own a house nor will be able to in the near future. Neither my husband and I feel established or financially or emotionally ready for a child. But we are saying yes to this adventure.

Instead of fearing what people think of me, I choose to boldly live the story God has chosen for me. I choose to stand out in this culture, rather than wishing to run away to where everybody is just like me. Maybe that time will come, and with it will come a new set of challenges, but for now this is where God has me.

There is no shame in what God is doing in my life.

I sit here writing this on the second-to-last day of 2020 in a small cabin in the woods of Mendecino, and although it has been a terrible and crazy year, I also feel incredibly blessed.

This year has blessed me enormously. In the midst of tragedy and chaos, I have married the love of my life and now found out that we are expecting our first child.

While the virus continues to rage on, the vaccines are starting to be doled out and I feel an immense sense of hope rising for the coming year. God’s timing is so odd, and yet always so perfect.

This year was the most difficult and also most beautiful year of my life; how the two can coexist is beyond me, but I’ve learned (as I’ve written in previous posts) to take both the good and the bad, because they are both used for His glory and my benefit.

This year:

I worked at a coffee shop.

A pandemic started.

I lost my job at the coffee shop.

I planned, and re-planned, and re-planned my wedding.

I drove two hours to see my fiancé every day.

We got an apartment.

I got a new job.

I married my best friend.

I became depressed.

My health worsened.

I became pregnant.

And so much more… perhaps the most excruciating and wonderful experiences of my life have all occurred this year, and when I look back I see nothing but God’s faithfulness. God’s faithfulness in my pain and my joy. His promises fulfilled in my life and His unexpected blessings. While I have certainly not always been faithful to Him through everything this year, He has been faithful to me, and this I have to remember when the next curveball comes, and the next…

In Lysa Terkeurst’s It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, she talks about how God does give us more than we can handle, because we are not supposed to handle it alone. This resonates with me. I have felt in over my head a few too many times this year, and every month it seems as though something new is ready to consume me in my already overwhelmed state. And yet, I have survived. But not on my own. I look back at the events of this year and marvel at how I’ve come through all of them in one piece. The only answer is that He has been with me and helped me the whole time.

Sometimes it takes looking back to understand what God is doing. Looking at the present and the future can be confusing and overwhelming, but when we look back at what has happened in our lives, it’s so much easier to understand the bigger picture. It gives us faith to persevere through the trials of now.

I know God will take care of me, because He has taken care of me. I know my worry for the future is pointless, because He has always made circumstances work out. I can walk with trust and confidence into the future, even though it is so uncertain, because I know that no matter what happens I will be okay if I stick with Him. That’s what this year has taught me.

We hate suffering and pain, but they are truly the only way to strengthen our faiths. And I pray that this year has not only strengthened my faith, but every believer who has walked through even worse fires than I have. God is preparing our hearts for what is to come, and though the pandemic may be winding down, there will certainly be more crazy years ahead. But we need not fear anymore. He goes before us and walks with us.

As 2020 finally winds down to a close, yet another surprise has taken me off guard and shaken up my plans, carrying on the theme of the year: embracing the unexpected.

Could there be a more wild year than this?

In the middle of a pandemic, I have moved to a new city, started a new job, gotten married, and now this. And I wonder if God doesn’t have an enormous sense of humor (it’s better than thinking him indelibly cruel). I wonder if He’s building my faith in bigger ways than He has in the past because He knows I’m ready (or rather He will make me ready). I don’t feel ready. I miss the comforts of 2019 when the world was normal and my biggest struggle quite frankly was boredom.

My life does not feel boring anymore.

When God moves, life is not boring. 2020 has not been boring. But it has been an opportunity for great faith. Every day something new seems to threaten our existence and way of life, and every day we get to surrender our fear and uncertainty to the Lord, because we have to. If we don’t, it will absolutely consume us. 2020 will swallow us whole unless we cling to Him with everything we have.

And so, when He throws yet another curveball my way in the midst of the chaos of 2020, I can almost laugh, because I know I’ll get through it. He has brought me through so much already this year (and in my life!) that there’s no excuse for being fearful anymore. There’s no excuse for me to doubt His goodness or question His plans for me. I can simply relax, trust, and enjoy the adventure.

As I read Jenni Allen’s Restless and listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, I know that I am indeed made for more.

Made for more than a 9-5 desk job. Made for more than living in fear.

It almost hurts to consider the possibilities, because I’ve held myself back for so long. I’ve told myself I don’t have what it takes; I can’t do what other people can. I don’t have the stamina or endurance. I am weak.

So it’s easier to confine myself to a life within my “limits,” to keep myself from feeling out of control and overwhelmed.

Except I am….

Burnt out. Exhausted. Bitter and resentful.

I know God is using this season to challenge me and show me that I actually do have what it takes by His hand. I have already seen myself capable of much more than I thought I could be, and I am learning to trust that He goes before me wherever I go, and I don’t have to worry about what I can or can’t do. He is gloriously weaving the threads and not letting anything go to waste, and he calls me to a journey greater than what I can accomplish on my own. He is teaching me dependence. Of course what I’m made for is bigger than myself, bigger than my limits. Because it’s not about me and what I can do- it’s always been about Him.

And with that I am free to pursue my dreams, no matter the cost. If my goal is to glorify Him in all I do, it doesn’t matter what the enemy tries to tell me anymore. It doesn’t matter if I feel tired, not good enough, scared or apathetic- God knows my humanness and doesn’t fault me for it; He helps me. He is my help when I can’t go on any longer on my own. That’s the point.

A life of dependence is not natural. We are an incredibly independent and stubborn race, in an incredibly independent and stubborn society (at least in America). We champion those who “forge their own path” and “climb the ladder.” Those who appear to be able to do it all on their own, by picking themselves up by their own bootstraps. Surely aspects of this are commendable, such as working hard and providing for yourself and your family, but this kind of living is in complete denial of a God on whom we depend to meet all our needs. It denies that we are vulnerable human beings who do in fact need to be rescued from ourselves. It is empty and shallow living.

I want the rich, full, abundant life:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

I want the life that is connected to the vine, because that is truly a powerful life. On my own I’m a mess; with God I can become a masterpiece. Perhaps if I actually trusted that He could use me in amazing ways even in my utter brokenness, I would stop thinking so much about myself. Perhaps if I re-centered on His greatness and limitlessness, I would stop worrying about the future and making ends meet. I would actually be able to stop worrying about everything. I could live a fearless and free life.

We think dependence is weakness, but it is actually true strength. With Him, there is nothing we can’t do.

But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

Matthew 19:26

So feel free to step out and take a risk- because you are free. Even if nothing goes as you hope, there is truly nothing to lose if we have Him. Set aside what is holding you back from being who you were created to be, and allow yourself to trust completely in the God who created and loves you with an everlasting love. There is no surer foundation to build our lives on- everything else we build for ourselves will fade and crumble, but what we build with and for Him will be eternal.

Three years ago I wrote about an identity crisis during a time of transition, and yet again I find myself facing this big issue:

https://alyssamuray.blog/?s=identity

Here I am, three years later (and hopefully three years wiser), going through the exact same thing in a different but similar form. It’s funny how circumstances change, but lessons don’t. And clearly this is a lesson God intends to hit home with me.

My identity: where does it lie? In what? In whom?

I know the answer to this- I have studied the scriptures and read the books and prayed the prayers. And yet my heart continues to cling to people and things of this world to define me. Most recently my identity has attempted to attach itself to my wonderful but very flawed husband. Because in marriage you become one with a person, so in a sense you do become part of them. Collectively you become one unit, but what my heart has to understand is we still have separate identities.

We still are first children of God, and then we are each other’s.

I belong to God first, and my husband second.

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

I could not relate more to Paul- my interests feel divided. My identity feels divided. Who am I before God, and who am I as a wife to my husband?

Identity is such a precarious thing- it seems to change so swiftly and so often. Mine often feels fleeting, and as soon as I think I know who I am, something comes along to challenge what I think I know. Sure, we are constantly changing and hopefully growing, but our identity is something that must remain stable and secure, or else we will be blown around with every passing wind.

We can put our identities into so many things: work, school, our friends, our parents, our pets, our hobbies, an image we are trying to curate… the possibilities are endless. We can identify ourselves with just about anything in this world, but those identities will not be stable or sustainable.

You can lose your job, your house, your marriage, your health, your friends, your reputation. Any foundation built on these temporary things, as good as they may seem, will be an unstable foundation.

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.

Matthew 7:24-27

Until we are founded upon the rock, we will continue to sink on shifting sands. The houses we build may last some time, but ultimately they will fail us and leave us dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

My identity feels challenged in my marriage, but maybe that’s because I’ve put it into the wrong thing- an idea of who I want to be instead of who I am in Christ: a deeply loved and cherished daughter. I am not who I used to be nor who I will become, but I will always be His. And being His gives me the freedom to be all that He has made me to be, instead of confining me to who I think I am supposed to be.

It’s a tricky thing, but if we stop defining ourselves by all the ways the world defines us, we may be truly free. We can stop putting ourselves into boxes and allow ourselves to run in the fullness of who we are and who He is. This looks different for each person and takes much heart excavating, but it is well worth it. I know that every time I place my heart back in His tender hands, He is faithful to remind me who I truly am and what I am truly capable of by His Spirit. I just easily forget and settle back into the world’s lies, because it’s easier than believing a truth that may completely turn my life upside down.

The longer I allow everything in my life to define me besides Christ, the longer I delay His good purposes for me. Until I trust that it is safe to put my identity completely in Him, I am not free. But once I let go of everything else and say yes to Him, I am secure. And that is where my heart truly longs to be.

This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form too this world is passing away.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31

How do we keep going when reality gets really, really hard? When life is not as we hoped it would be, and we feel a profound sense of disappointment and disillusionment?

When our hopes and dreams feel so far away, and we are just trying to make it through each day with a fragment of our sanity in tact, merely surviving?

I have heard it said that sometimes God gives us the thing we want the most in order to show us that it won’t fulfill us. That He alone is our source of ultimate fulfillment- it cannot come from anything or anyone else. How true I find this to be now. Perhaps more disappointing than not receiving what you want is receiving what you want and realizing that it cannot completely satisfy your deepest longings. But perhaps this heartbreak is the kind of pain that leads us to face the reality of our condition and chase after true satisfaction.

Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

John 4:13-14 ESV

God is revealing the selfishness of my heart. Marriage truly is a mirror and we have the choice to hide from our ugliest parts or embrace change. And maybe one of the ugliest things about us is our idols- the expectations we hold onto and hope we put into things that can only inevitably lead to disappointment, because our priorities are in the wrong place.

As a four on the enneagram, I have a very vivid imagination and idealized vision of my life. Rarely does reality measure up. And thus I am continually disappointed and discouraged.

But maybe if I started to see the beauty in the reality that God has given me (and it is indeed a very good reality), my hopes and dreams would begin to change. If the starting foundation is not reality, there is nowhere to grow from, but if I start with what I’ve been given, I have the opportunity to grow. And perhaps if I allow Him to, God will surprise me with fulfillment that comes when I’m not looking for it. As I embrace the goodness of the here and now and approach it with gratitude, everything else will be an added gift.

The only way to move forward in life is to accept reality. And if we are willing to work with God, He can change our perspective and give us realistic dreams and expectations, instead of ones that never can and (arguably) never should be met, because they are rooted in selfishness. God wants to give us dreams that are bigger than and beyond ourselves, dreams that only grow brighter and stronger the more the setbacks. Dreams that last–dreams that have to do with bringing His kingdom to earth. And He will help us achieve those.

Disillusionment is part of the process of refining us to know what we truly want. Until we die to our idols, we are stuck in an unhealthy cycle of self-serving desires. The more we can align our expectations with God’s reality, the less we will be disappointed and the more fulfilled and motivated we will be to continue enduring.

God gifted me as a dreamer and an idealist, but those qualities can be my biggest downfalls if I do not steward them well, and end up hurting the people around me and myself. Instead he wants me to channel that creative energy into my current circumstances and build on the good foundation that is already in place.

2020 has been a year of both incredible blessing and immense sorrow. My heart has been overflowing and broken in the same day, almost every day. Sometimes it all feels so confusing. And I wonder how to hold both the joy and the sorrow at the same time.

Processing with a good friend yesterday made me realize how heavy my heart has been recently, even though there are so many good things in the near future. And I felt guilty for feeling the heaviness when I feel I should be overjoyed and grateful in this present season. She reassured me it is okay to feel what I feel- even if the feelings are conflicting.

I feel both joy and sorrow. Gratitude and bitterness. Excitement and fear.

I think that is called being human, and living in the tension of this life. Certainly many things have been heightened in this time, between a pandemic, mass social justice movement, unexpected personal health struggles, and an upcoming wedding- but I think I always experience these torn emotions to some degree.

There is always a combination of good and bad in our lives. We can’t deny the bad, but we also can’t dwell on it. We must learn how to hold both.

Jesus was a “man of sorrows” but also always rejoicing with others (Isaiah 53:3). He wept and laughed. He was angry at injustice and celebrated with others in their joy.

Likewise, Paul was “sorrowful yet always rejoicing” (2 Corinthians 6:10).

We have to be willing to accept the full spectrum of emotions if we are to be fully human. Though it is easier to deny the hard things and focus on the good, or deny the good things and focus on the bad, we must learn to see both with the balanced perspective and maturity that only God can give. Otherwise the hard things will crush us or we will be ignorantly optimistic.

And in the end, everything truly is a blessing if we realize that God wastes nothing in our lives. Every moment of suffering is an opportunity for growth and new life. So we can feel the pain, but we can also know that is doing a good work in us if we let it:

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4

These are Jesus’ words:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.  If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Matthew 5:43-48

This is a high bar, and one of the biggest challenges of the Christian faith. Yet, it is what we are called to and what we must do if we are truly seeking to advance God’s kingdom.

Right now I don’t see much love for our enemies. I see hatred and revenge on both sides; I see one group tired and weary of oppression and fighting back in desperation in productive and non-productive ways, while the other group either defends or reinforces the oppression, and thus the cycle of blaming and hatred continues. The polarization continues. The true enemy of our souls keeps us thinking that our enemies are other human beings.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Ephesians 6:12

What if we realized that our enemy is not the black person, the police officer, the protestors, the authorities, the Democrat, or the Republican? What if we realized that we are all human beings under the same God and it is our true enemy’s goal to divide and isolate us from one another? That by continuing the cycle of hatred we are playing right into his insidious scheme?

Jesus did not fight back against his enemies. He loved them. By laying down his life for them he showed them a different, more powerful way to fight. It may have seemed to his enemies like he had lost or given up, but he knew a greater power was at work and fighting for him. He had the ultimate victory because he knew that his loving father was in control and would reconcile all things in the end.

We can love our enemies because we are loved. We don’t have to fight for ourselves because we are fought for. The ultimate victory is not on this side of life, friends- we will never live in a perfectly just world. That is not the Father’s plan. We may not see the outcome of our faith until the time to come, but here and now we have a responsibility to love our brothers and sisters:

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Matthew 22:34-40

The enemy wants us to give way to fear and hate; but we know a better way. We know the way of love, because it was demonstrated for us in the person of Jesus Christ. And if we follow His example, we may see the change we are longing and hoping for.