on shame

While my heart sings and dances for the little bundle of joy that’s forming inside of me, I also feel a certain and totally unnecessary sense of shame and irresponsibility. I look at the culture around me and no one my age is even married, let alone having babies.

I had the same sense when I got married before all my friends as well. Am I rushing through my life? What do others think of my choices?

I am plagued by the worries of what other people will think of me, and I find myself wishing we lived in another culture, one that doesn’t look down on marriage and family life but embraces it. My best friend lives in Kentucky, where everyone my age is married and on their second or third child. I long to be surrounded by those who understand what I’m going through, because here at times I feel so utterly alone. It’s easy to become discouraged.

But then I remember that my story is not my own. I don’t have to worry what others think because I’m not writing this story- He is. He gets to take the credit and the blame. And He wants to do something radically different with me than those around me, even if it is completely counter-cultural. Even if it illicits judgment. Even if it makes me feel alone.

I’ve always had a desire to be unique, and I wonder if God hasn’t placed me in this culture for that reason. To stand out as faithful in circumstances that many people might look down upon. Here in Silicon Valley, career is an idol. Relationships come second, and children aren’t had until both adults are completely stable and established, usually in their 30s to 40s.

I am 25 and work a front desk job. We don’t own a house nor will be able to in the near future. Neither my husband and I feel established or financially or emotionally ready for a child. But we are saying yes to this adventure.

Instead of fearing what people think of me, I choose to boldly live the story God has chosen for me. I choose to stand out in this culture, rather than wishing to run away to where everybody is just like me. Maybe that time will come, and with it will come a new set of challenges, but for now this is where God has me.

There is no shame in what God is doing in my life.