Three years ago I wrote about an identity crisis during a time of transition, and yet again I find myself facing this big issue:
https://alyssamuray.blog/?s=identity
Here I am, three years later (and hopefully three years wiser), going through the exact same thing in a different but similar form. It’s funny how circumstances change, but lessons don’t. And clearly this is a lesson God intends to hit home with me.
My identity: where does it lie? In what? In whom?
I know the answer to this- I have studied the scriptures and read the books and prayed the prayers. And yet my heart continues to cling to people and things of this world to define me. Most recently my identity has attempted to attach itself to my wonderful but very flawed husband. Because in marriage you become one with a person, so in a sense you do become part of them. Collectively you become one unit, but what my heart has to understand is we still have separate identities.
We still are first children of God, and then we are each other’s.
I belong to God first, and my husband second.
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:32-35
I could not relate more to Paul- my interests feel divided. My identity feels divided. Who am I before God, and who am I as a wife to my husband?
Identity is such a precarious thing- it seems to change so swiftly and so often. Mine often feels fleeting, and as soon as I think I know who I am, something comes along to challenge what I think I know. Sure, we are constantly changing and hopefully growing, but our identity is something that must remain stable and secure, or else we will be blown around with every passing wind.
We can put our identities into so many things: work, school, our friends, our parents, our pets, our hobbies, an image we are trying to curate… the possibilities are endless. We can identify ourselves with just about anything in this world, but those identities will not be stable or sustainable.
You can lose your job, your house, your marriage, your health, your friends, your reputation. Any foundation built on these temporary things, as good as they may seem, will be an unstable foundation.
Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.
Matthew 7:24-27
Until we are founded upon the rock, we will continue to sink on shifting sands. The houses we build may last some time, but ultimately they will fail us and leave us dissatisfied and unfulfilled.
My identity feels challenged in my marriage, but maybe that’s because I’ve put it into the wrong thing- an idea of who I want to be instead of who I am in Christ: a deeply loved and cherished daughter. I am not who I used to be nor who I will become, but I will always be His. And being His gives me the freedom to be all that He has made me to be, instead of confining me to who I think I am supposed to be.
It’s a tricky thing, but if we stop defining ourselves by all the ways the world defines us, we may be truly free. We can stop putting ourselves into boxes and allow ourselves to run in the fullness of who we are and who He is. This looks different for each person and takes much heart excavating, but it is well worth it. I know that every time I place my heart back in His tender hands, He is faithful to remind me who I truly am and what I am truly capable of by His Spirit. I just easily forget and settle back into the world’s lies, because it’s easier than believing a truth that may completely turn my life upside down.
The longer I allow everything in my life to define me besides Christ, the longer I delay His good purposes for me. Until I trust that it is safe to put my identity completely in Him, I am not free. But once I let go of everything else and say yes to Him, I am secure. And that is where my heart truly longs to be.
This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form too this world is passing away.
1 Corinthians 7:29-31
rhythms of grace 