I’ve written about my health struggles before, but as I go through a new season of chronic anemia, once again I am presented with the choice of either faith or bitterness.
These past few months, every morning I wake up to get up and feed my little one, I feel as though I haven’t slept at all––even though I’ve gotten a solid seven or eight hours. This is pretty much how I feel the rest of the day. I have to go back to bed during my baby’s first morning nap, forsaking any other tasks I may have wanted to get done.
Any energy I do have is spent wrangling an almost-toddler into his clothes for the day and keeping a constant eye on him as he gets himself into all sorts of trouble. I have to take another nap during his afternoon one if I have any hope of surviving the rest of the day, once again putting off tasks so that I can get the rest I need.
We moved to our new house over a month ago and I still haven’t been able to go on a run because I just haven’t had the energy. I have to oh-so-carefully plan my days so that I don’t overload myself with the increasingly limited energy I do have.
Needless to say, it is beyond frustrating to function at this capacity. Any additional stressors throughout my days (which are many, of course) tip me over the edge because I am already at my end. Being exhausted all the time is exhausting––go figure. I have nothing left for my husband or even for myself at the end of the day.
I find myself growing angrier with each day that I wake up continuing to feel like this. I am irritable and depressed, anxious and hopeless. Why are you putting me through this, God? Why can’t you just heal me?
I know I am echoing the cries of so many others, so many saints who have endured prolonged suffering. And I know that my suffering is probably only a shadow compared to what some have to go through. But it is still suffering, and it is still unbearable at times.
I will admit that most days I let my suffering overcome and defeat me. Instead of reaching out to God and bringing my pain to Him, I shut down and play the victim. I feel sorry for myself and become consumed in my own pain. I wallow.
But recently I came across a psychological term that I had heard of before but never looked deeply into: radical acceptance. It means accepting your circumstances exactly as they are without judging or reacting to them. For some reason, this seemed incredibly profound to me, and I realized its because I’ve been doing the exact opposite––I have completely rejected my circumstances, and by doing so have compounded my suffering.
When we reject the circumstances God has given us, we expend all our energy trying to change things that can’t be changed. We run ourselves ragged by focusing on all that’s wrong, which burns us out and leads us to despair.
What we pay attention to is what we become. If we are so consumed by our suffering, we will only become more bitter, angry and despondent. But if we focus on Christ and His goodness in the midst of our suffering, we will begin to move forward in faith.
Focusing on God in the middle of our suffering often looks like lament. But it is so much better to release our negative feelings to Him than to internalize them or take them out on everyone around us. He knows what to do with them. He knows how to transform them. I can’t will my heart into submission to Him, but He can do it for me through His Spirit.
Even if all I can do is repeat a single passage of Scripture over and over in my mind, He can use that to change my heart. And once my heart is changed, it no longer matters whether the suffering continues or not.
It takes great maturity to get to the place where we love and trust God no matter what. No matter how we are feeling or what is taking place in our life. I can’t say I am anywhere near that level of faith or maturity yet, but I want to be. And God sees my desire and He can use it.
We are guaranteed suffering in this life:
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
It is not in our circumstances that we will find peace. We may think that once everything is going the way we want it to we will finally have peace and joy, but this is not so. If we can’t find peace in Him right now, in the middle of what we are going through, we never will.
As much as I wish I could just be a normal, healthy young adult, God has had a different plan for my life. It’s not the suffering I would have chosen, and it often doesn’t feel noble, holy, or even meaningful. I often don’t understand why I have to go through this.
But I am comforted by the fact that He is a “man of sorrows” who knows my pain and is with me in it. I don’t know when or if He will choose to heal me, but I’m learning to be a steward of the energy I do have and the resources He has given me.
He is not hard on me the way I am hard on myself. He doesn’t expect me to conquer the world––He only expects me to trust Him, no matter what.
rhythms of grace 