Author: alyssapebbles

These past couple weeks when I was mysteriously drained of energy, I learned a hard but important lesson: I cannot take anything for granted in this life. If my health can be taken away at any moment, so can anything else.

Where do I put my hope? Why do I lose my gratitude when things are taken from me?

I’ve realized how spoiled I’ve become- expecting that everything will go my way and if it doesn’t, I have every right to complain. I’ve become so used to all the blessings God has given me that when one is withheld, even for a short period of time, I feel hopeless and lost. My foundation is so shaky. While genuine lamenting is okay and even beneficial to our relationship with God, despairing is not.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4 ESV

It is so hard for me to take this view when things get hard. When my body feels like it is betraying me and my relationships feel strained. When I don’t have the motivation to keep going or even get out of bed in the morning. How can there possibly be joy in these times?

And yet, if I can’t find joy in the hard times, I will never be able to fully appreciate the good times. I will take them for granted, instead of seeing them as they are: gifts from a good Father. If I can’t see that I did nothing to deserve these things, and yet He has freely given them and can take them as he chooses, I am missing the point. If I can’t see that even the hard things are gifts as well, I am lacking in maturity.

I am learning to take nothing for granted: good or bad. Maybe what I deem as bad is what He is using for my ultimate good, and maybe what I deem as good might destroy me. Either I trust my own judgment or His- and I have been wrong too many times to trust my own.

Once we learn to accept everything as a gift, we are free. We no longer need our life to be a certain way to be content, just as Paul learned to be content in any circumstance. We can trust that He truly is working things together for our good, even if it hurts in the temporary.

Today two Jehovah’s witnesses came to my door. I was the only one home- I should have been at work but I came down with a sinus infection. They asked me if I believed if suffering would end, and quoted Revelation 21:4.

He will wipe away every tear form their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Revelation 21:4 ESV

It seemed a continuation of a recurring theme the Lord has been bringing up in my life.

Just two days ago when I went to volunteer at my church, one of the older women I volunteer with was nearly in tears when she came in, grieving the loss of her husband a year ago. She had been a young widow, and then widowed again by her second husband.

Death is all around us. And I find myself afraid- afraid of the suffering of myself and others, and ultimately afraid of the death of those I love as well as my own. I think of the horrid grief a young widow would feel, and realize I am not immune. Death comes to everyone’s door eventually, and it feels as though we are helpless against it.

Oftentimes I feel the fragility of existence in this life, this fallen and corrupt world we live in. It seems inevitable that anything pure and good will not last, that we must hold on tightly to whatever good we do have or we will lose it. The stakes seem higher and higher the more precious our life becomes to us; the thought of giving ourselves up and “losing our lives to gain them” seems impossible. It seems there is too much to lose.

I struggle with verses such as Mark 8:35 and Luke 14:25-35. I am afraid that if I give everything to God, He will not give anything back. I fear that he wants to take from me everything I hold dear, just to sanctify me and teach me holiness. That if I let go of my grip, I will lose it all.

But that is not the way of our Father. That is not His character- He does not delight in our suffering. He delights in our growth. He knows what is best for us, even if it takes years of pain and suffering for us to understand. He knows that we are stubborn and willful, and hold too tightly onto good when he has better. That we settle for what we think is the best, but it is only a shadow of the true reality.

Pain and death is the only way for us, in this broken world, to see that there is a reality beyond it. Until we are shaken out of our illusory lives, we will not pay attention to the eternal- to the time coming when there will be no more mourning or pain or death. It is a call to wake up and realize where the true and lasting treasure lies.

Ultimately, there is nothing I can truly lose if I have Him. I will be reunited with those I love on the other side of eternity, and everything else I was afraid of losing won’t matter in heaven.

When something like this happens, it must be documented. A supernatural experience of God’s goodness and closeness in my moment of fear and desperation:

My flight to Denver from Louisville, Kentucky, where I had been visiting my dear friend, was delayed. Which meant I probably wouldn’t make my next flight from Denver to San Francisco, which was the last flight of the night. Panic set in. Flying is already stressful enough- when things go wrong, I freak out.

As I was sorting out with the flight attendant whether to get on a different flight or not, I moved from my seat in the back of the plane to an empty seat further up, next to an older African American gentleman. At the point when I decided I might want to switch flights, it was too late and the cabin was prepared for takeoff. I settled into my seat and prepared to trust God with the consequences of my decision to stay on this flight (possibly having to stay the night in Denver).

All was going smoothly until we hit a rough patch of turbulence. Once again, the panic came and this time swallowed me whole. I prayed to God but the fear overcame me- my whole body convulsed with anxiety. I couldn’t stop the sobs that came; it felt like the end.

And then, all of a sudden, I was enveloped in love: the man next to me grasped my hand and steadied my body. He squeezed tight as I held onto him for my dear life. He was my saving angel. This was Jesus.

I looked to him out of my turmoil and saw his steady, reassuring, and concerned look. He was not afraid. I knew this man was sent to me by God. He asked me my name and told me everything was okay.

Finally we came out of the rough patch and found smooth air. The man still held my hand, and though relieved and eternally grateful, I began to feel uncomfortable. But he wanted to make sure I felt safe before he let go.

He introduced himself as Ken, a former United pilot. He had flown hundreds of these planes and reassured me the turbulence we had just gone through was nothing. I couldn’t believe it. God had placed me right next a former pilot to help me just when I needed it, knowing we were going to experience that turbulence, and knowing I would need to be comforted.

Ken knows the Lord and allowed Him to use him on that flight.

Had I not moved forward on the plane or changed flights, I would not have experienced His immense grace. And not only that, I caught my next flight and made it home safely. God is good.

The Lord is teaching me the discipline of waiting.

I feel as though my whole being is in a season of waiting right now: waiting for the winter to pass, waiting to be married, waiting to start my life.

But maybe I am waiting for the wrong things?

In Andrew Murray’s Waiting on God, he urges readers to practice the discipline of waiting only on God, and nothing and no one else. Maybe my focus is wrong- while I am waiting for certain things to happen in my life, God is asking me to direct my attention to Him in the waiting. So perhaps waiting isn’t really waiting at all, since He is already with me.

Perhaps the more I wait on Him, the less I will be concerned with time passing and getting the things I want, because He alone will be my satisfaction. Perhaps this is the very season He wants to transform and prepare me for what is to come, instead of just allowing time to pass without growth or change.

Waiting is hard, and there are right and wrong ways to do it. I don’t want to do it the way I’ve always done: rushing through, only to arrive to the anticipated thing and be disappointed it’s not everything I hoped and dreamed, meanwhile missing everything that God had been doing leading up to it.

Although so much good is ahead, and although I am becoming weary in the waiting, I have to believe that this can be the best time if I invite Him into it. I have to believe that He is sustaining me in the waiting and hoping to be my truest companion throughout. That He is working in and through me as I trust Him and surrender my impatience and frustration with the now. I have to believe that there is important work to be done here in the present, that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and have a purpose to fulfill.

Friends, our life is here and now, not in the future. Whatever you are waiting for, it will come, but you will regret if you don’t truly live on your way to it.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

As encouraging as this verse is, I find it hard to count my trials as all joy–especially when it comes to the chronic health issues I have had for what feels like far too long. It feels like they have overshadowed all other joys in my life, and stolen my youth, energy, and oftentimes hope.

Sometimes my health problems feel so overwhelming, and I feel so frustrated and angry that I have these issues at only twenty-three. I envy other healthy and strong people my age who are able to do everything they want to with no seeming health limitations. They have all the energy in the world– like twenty-three year olds should. They have perfect skin and functioning digestive systems and don’t have to take naps four times a day. They don’t suffer from mood swings and constant allergies, or have to plan out times in their day for rest so they don’t get too exhausted.

It’s so easy to play the victim.

And yet that is not how God wants me to deal with my problems. He does not allow me to suffer so I can complain against him. He wants me to turn my mourning into dancing (Psalm 30:11), to praise Him when I feel helpless and out of control in my afflictions. It’s an invitation to realize that He is in control, and no matter how much I worry or complain, His will will be done in my life, even if that means I have to deal with these issues for the rest of my life.

But the good news is He is compassionate and merciful, and doesn’t enjoy watching me suffer. He is close to me in my pain, and He is a God of healing. He will heal me when He so chooses, and until then I will do everything in my power to work towards that end. I am grateful for modern medicine and doctors that specialize in everything under the sun–these are gifts from Him. As I work towards my physical healing, I trust that He is working to heal me in deeper ways through my afflictions. He is healing my character and making me a stronger person on the inside.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might lean your statutes.

Psalm 119:71

Sometimes the only way He can get us to come to Him is through our afflictions, if we are willing to look beyond our own pain and struggle and see what truly matters. If we are willing to let go of the things that seem most important (such as health!) and recognize that He is even more important and completely in control. We can’t see Him as our helper until we are helpless. We can’t see Him as our healer until we are sick.

So yes, I thank God for my afflictions.

I am well aware that as the holiday season kicks off, many people feel anything but thankful. In fact, the beginning of the holidays for me usually marks the coming of seasonal depression, fearfulness and uncertainty about the future. Whether it’s the extended hours of darkness or the stress of holiday planning and gift shopping, Thanksgiving is not a happy time for everyone. The holidays often can remind us of the things we feel we are lacking in life, and even bring about feelings of loneliness and isolation. They can remind us of people who are no longer around or broken relationships that have not been mended.

For others, this holiday season brings great joy.

Wherever you fall in the spectrum of gratitude this year, there is so much to be thankful for. When I look back on where I was a year ago and how much God has brought me through and given me in His goodness, I have every reason to praise Him. He has sustained me through depression, doubt, fear, and anxiety. He has given me jobs, my wonderful boyfriend, a beautiful church community, and new friendships I never could have foreseen. And most of all, He has given me Himself–and that will always be enough.

Whatever is happening in your life, there is reason to be grateful if you are willing to look for it. Our very lives are a gift from our good Father.

These days when I have so much time to finally delve into the creative pursuits I have wanted to for so long I find myself… struggling. It seems almost as if there is an invisible wall, and I just can’t seem to get through it.

The pressure of perfection?

The sense that my contribution won’t matter?

Fear of failure?

I can’t put my finger on the issue at hand, but I know that it is inextricably tied to my sense of worth, as are most things of difficulty. I know God made me an artist, a creative in the image of the Creator, and yet I can’t seem to find the discipline and endurance to do just that: create. I find myself seeking other ways to distract myself from the nagging sense of purpose I know can only be from Him.

I have many artistic friends whom I envy their ability to produce and have a steady output of beautiful work. I long to be like them, yet something is holding me back. It’s incredibly frustrating.

I have dreams of being an author or a songwriter. I have the general sense that my purpose is along these lines, but I don’t know where to start. As soon as I sit down to write a song or a chapter of a book, I am paralyzed. I can’t think of a single thing I want to communicate, even though throughout my days dozens of ideas are whirring about in my mind.

I only hope other creatives can understand my dilemma.

Slowly but surely, I have been taking my life back into my own hands.

I have forgotten how good God is.

I have forgotten that He has better plans for me than I have for myself. That He wants to orchestrate and design my future, and even this very day… if I will let Him.

How can an all-powerful God be subject to our own willingness? Because He loves us that much: He gives us a choice.

Every moment we have the choice to pursue our own desires, or to pursue His. Every moment He gives us the grace we need to follow Him, and step by step He will take us where we need to be. It may not look anything like we have planned, and it may be frightening at times to take the steps He wants us to. But would we rather keep on in the predictable and humdrum way we always do, in stagnancy and resignation? Or will we say yes when He is speaking to our hearts?

I want to say yes most of the time. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. My feelings and desires change all the time and I am fickle and unstable in my own ways. But He is always here, always present with me, and always ready to pick up where we left off. He doesn’t shame me for ignoring Him or forgetting about Him, and He will never force me to do something I refuse to do. But He is ready to help me do the things I can’t on my own. Which is most things.

My hope for myself is so empty in comparison to the hope He has for me. When I try to design my own life and my days, there is no fulfillment. There is no meaning or purpose beyond my own. But when I allow His purposes to become mine, I am free.

Give up the dreams and the plans you have for yourself, and ask God what His plans are for you. I can assure you they are very, very good.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world–the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life–is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

~1 John 2:15-17

As the warm summer days pass lazily by and I find a steady and peaceful rhythm of life back home where I grew up, I find myself becoming settled. Content. Perhaps even complacent.

I notice myself becoming satisfied with the little, everyday blessings. And I look forward to the future of more settledness and stability. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve felt consistently restful. Consistently at peace with myself and the world around me.

I am creating my home here on earth.

It is what I’ve always longed for- stability. It is something we all internally crave and seek in so many different ways. We seek it in a career, in a spouse, in a house, in our health. We go to great lengths to create it as best we can, and try to ignore the fact that there are so many things we can’t control. That it may actually be just an illusion, and our desire for it may be misplaced.

Ouch.

The world screams at us to love it, to make it our permanent home and be satisfied with what it gives us. To make the most of every opportunity and strive for the best, most comfortable life we can possibly have here on earth, because now is all the time we have.

But God says something different. He says something better is coming- a Kingdom that won’t fade away or degrade. A Kingdom where the first shall be last and the last shall be first, where everything is restored and redeemed and absolutely perfect.

If we have hope in that Kingdom, why do we spend so much time building our empires in this temporary land?

I am convicted by my Father that I have lost sight of His purpose for my life- it is not about my comfort. It is not even about my inner peace (although that is often a wonderful side-effect of being in relationship with Him). It is not about me settling into this world and making my home here. It is about the Kingdom that is coming, that will surpass even the greatest joy I have experienced here. All that I love in this world is simply foreshadowing the greater glory.

So He asks us to live in light of that. To stop worrying about our comfort, health, and stability because He is a good provider and we can trust Him to take care of us. Our concern is for the Kingdom and for the people that have yet to know the hope of it.

Meanwhile, I live in gratitude of every provision, and thank my Father for being so kind to me.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

Although this passage is frequently and heavily misused (specifically the last verse), it contains a very critical truth. And as I continue in my journey with Christ and experience the world around me in all it’s fallenness and loveliness, as well as my own brokenness and goodness, I realize more and more how true these words are. How it really doesn’t matter what we are going through; we can learn to be content in every circumstance.

I am someone who seeks my happiness in my circumstances; and I don’t think I am very different from anyone else in that way. Because of this tendency, I have often been discontent in my life. I am always seeking something better than what I have. Contentment has never come naturally to me; the grass really does always seem greener.

Yet, my circumstances are always changing, and environments are always unpredictable. I’ve had enough disappointments at this point to realize that whatever we are seeking in our life situation (stability, friendship, community, steady income…etc.) will never fulfill or meet our expectations, and even if it does, it won’t last. Satisfaction from circumstances alone is not a deep and abiding one.

We have to anchor our happiness somewhere else. There has to be something, or Someone, that can we can put all our hope into, that won’t shift with the changing winds. Someone that will actually exceed our expectations, from whom we can glean everlasting satisfaction– an overflowing fountain.

This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who turn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.

1 Corinthians 7:29-31 ESV

If we are to learn true contentment, we have to learn the secret of living with or without in this physical world. We can’t let whatever we have or don’t have become a distraction from the one abundant relationship we always do and will have, from being present with God and others where we are right now. He does not tell us to wait until our circumstances are perfectly engineered– He calls us here and now to live the life we were created for. The longer we keep chasing the next thing to fulfill us, the longer we put off the joy that’s available to us right now in Him.

I’m learning to live in the tension of planning and setting goals, and giving them up to Him, trusting His perfect timing and grace in the present moment. This world is only our temporary home; there is one much better to come, so we can start learning to live as citizens of that one. We can give up the idea of a perfect life here, and remember that that is promised to us once we are with Him. For now, there is work to be done, and that work is in the context of where we are today.