Author: alyssapebbles

Sometimes everything feels a little overwhelming… especially in the midst of a pandemic.

Sometimes I wonder if I can take any more pain. If I can handle one more thing on top of my already fragile psyche. I feel the weight of the world. Lately I’ve been angry at God for allowing all this pain into my life and into the lives of those I love. He seems cruel and distant, or at least unable to stop all the pain.

Unable to stop all the madness.

The more my heart gets broken, the more I have to cling to Him. I’m tired of suffering alone, pretending like things are not so bad as they really are. There is much suffering in my heart and in the world, and I can’t deny it anymore. I can’t deny that my heart is broken and this world is broken and it is not my home.

That my true home is not here, but with Him.

I want to make my home here. I want to put my hope into my circumstances, into my future here on earth.

It’s ironic that just after counseling my friend about anxiety, I find myself in my own state of fear. But I allow Him to draw me close in it, instead of staying stuck in my mind. I allow Him to comfort and reassure me that my treasures are not here, and that there is nothing of value that I can truly lose that will not be resurrected and redeemed in the end.

I keep settling for less, keep hoping that this world will become heaven, but it is not and it will never be. Maybe a pandemic is what is needed to make that abundantly clear. Our hope lies beyond this temporary life, this temporary world. Our hope and our future is in Him, and Him alone.

It’s such a hard and painful lesson, but there is so much release in the surrender. There is freedom.

Like many other engaged people in this time, I am being forced to reflect more deeply on the meaning of marriage. (As an aside, The Meaning of Marriage is a great book by Tim Keller that has profoundly shaped my understanding of marriage, and I highly recommend it).

With our approaching wedding being so uncertain and being unable to plan practically anything, I have to reconsider the importance of having the “perfect wedding.” I was getting so caught up in all the details and excited for the big day where I would have all the people I love gathered around me for this life-altering event.

In a sense I feel robbed. I think of all the beautiful weddings I’ve been to the past few summers, and it feels unfair that I can’t have that too. It’s so hard not to become bitter and ungrateful.

And yet, I know God is inviting me into something better during this season. Not only is He teaching me to surrender my desires and hopes to Him, but also help me to focus on the point of marriage in the first place. The fact that it’s not about the venue or the colors or perfectly placed floral arrangements–it’s about two hearts becoming one.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

Ephesians 5:31

I have cried many tears in this time, for the world as a whole and for all those who have lost out on special celebrations. Because though it is not about the decorations and details, there is valid grief over the loss of having many gathered around you on your special day.

But maybe sometimes all those people and things serve as a distraction. Maybe when we’re so focused on all the details of a wedding, we forget to actually enjoy it. Maybe God is saving me from myself and my own obsession with insignificant details by making it virtually impossible to plan them.

Maybe He is turning my heart to Him and to my soon-to-be husband.

Slowly but surely God is shifting my perspective, and while I am still hopeful for a big celebration, I am learning to be okay with a smaller one too. I am learning that the moment will be special no matter what, as our two hearts join. There is no reason to be bitter or disappointed, because God has given me this miracle.

I recently listened to a Tim Keller sermon and one thing that he said really stuck with me: we have to preach out of our suffering.

Over the past year or so I have developed a keen repugnance to empty preaching, and I feel as though God has transformed my heart to discern truth from falsehood in this area. Don’t get me wrong– I used to be one of these preachers. I would spout off scripture and platitudes in hopes of encouraging but more likely with the underlying motivation of being viewed as “spiritual” or “put together.” I felt like I was better than others because I knew the promises of God and could recite them.

But now I wonder if I did more harm than good at times. That if in my pride, I wasn’t really listening to the person and being there for them in the way they needed, in the way that Jesus would have been. I wonder if I was making it more about me than about them– and about Him.

God has humbled me greatly. I am not so quick to speak as I once was. Rather, I have seen the power of presence. Presence with others in their pain, and words of comfort and wisdom out of my own. People who have suffered help people who are suffering.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I am immediately drawn not to the one who has much to say about my problems, but the one who understands my problems and can meet me in them. I pray that I can be that person for others. We don’t need more lectures. We need the presence of people.

In a suffering world, we have the privilege of providing hope to those who don’t have it out of our own suffering and overcoming. Especially now, we can reach out with a listening ear and words of hope and encouragement.

We can always find a reason not to be happy, especially, it seems, these days. While we are collectively mourning the state of the world, there are also millions of little personal crises happening every day.

A million different little things that can bring us down, if we let them.

As the sun comes out and the summer weather starts approaching, I find myself rejoicing. But then I almost feel guilty, as if I shouldn’t be happy in this time. As if by being depressed and worried I am standing in solidarity with the millions of people affected by this pandemic. As if that is the right disposition to have when things are going all wrong.

And yet, while there is so much pain and suffering in the world, I notice little things that bring me joy:

The birds singing in the morning in my backyard

The first cup of coffee

FaceTime calls with my dearest friends

Hiking the trail and listening to beautiful music

And I hear my Father saying “I created these things for your enjoyment. Enjoy them!”

The world tries to bully us into fear. We are made to feel that if we are not constantly worried about everything we are irresponsible or unfeeling. But what human can stand under the weight of the world? I know I can’t.

Jesus doesn’t lay this burden on us, but invites us to rest and find joy in Him:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

This is my favorite verse in the Bible because it reminds me of my freedom in Christ. It reminds me that following Him is not a duty or a chore, but my deepest delight and desire. That in Him I can let go of all my fears, concerns, and worries, and step into joyful and light living that isn’t bogged down by the cares of the world. It seems too good to be true, but it is His promise to us if we will trust Him and be willing to give up our anxious dispositions in exchange for joy. We are so used the the heaviness of life that we cling to it with everything we have, but there is a better way.

Pain and suffering in the world is not new. If we don’t learn now how to rejoice, we never will. In Him we have permission to rejoice.

I don’t always realize the state of my heart until something precious to me is threatened.

This morning I woke up in high spirits, praising God for all of the ways He’s blessed me throughout this pandemic. And yet, as soon as I received bad news mere hours later, I immediately became angry and cursed Him in my heart.

Am I really that fickle? Am I really so dependent on what I deem are His blessings? Am I to know what is a curse or a blessing?

The way we respond to our circumstances, particularly the bad ones, is revealing of our character. I want to bless the Lord, whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, but instead I find myself angry and downcast when He thwarts my plans.

But He is so gentle with me. I am surprised by my reactions, but He is not. He knows my heart and how quick it is to put hope into earthly things, and so He takes certain things away for my benefit. I have to trust that He is still in control and working all things together for my good.

Maybe my will wasn’t the best way. Maybe He has something so much better planned, that I can’t understand right now.

I take comfort in the fact that He is good, and He is for me. Although the unregenerate part of me wants to curse Him and wallow in self-pity, I can’t anymore, because I know His character. He’s revealed it to me in a million ways, and He’s never let me down. I may still act like a spoiled child, but I can’t run from what I know–that He is good, and that He doesn’t change depending on my circumstances. That in fact His goodness is sometimes most displayed when He gives me the cups I don’t want to drink.

He grieves with me, but He knows what’s ahead.

Bless the Lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I’ll worship Your Holy name

The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes

I think by now we are all a little tired of this…

Being stuck at home, trying to find creative ways to function virtually in ways we used to be able to in person. Learning how to live in our new, confined reality while we wait to go back to reality as it once was. Much creativity and many endearing stories have emerged out of this time, but we still ache to be back with our people, our communities, our normal rhythms.

What do we do when we become weary in the waiting?

The beginning of a crisis is always exciting and dramatic- devastating, yes, but exciting nonetheless. We were on the edge of our seats attached to the news; new information was coming out every five minutes and things were rapidly evolving and changing. We waited in suspense and perhaps deep fear and anxiety to hear what our new reality was going to be like.

And then the new normal set in. Some of us have suffered greatly. Others have had to adjust but been relatively unharmed emotionally, financially, and physically. All of us have had to re-prioritize and come to terms with the state of our world.

It’s not over yet. It may not be for a long time. And we have to learn where to go when we become weary:

He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

I have found the book of Isaiah to be incredibly encouraging during this time, especially the later chapters. It is full of God’s promises to His weary people- people that have been severely afflicted and are waiting to be delivered. People who want to skip to the part where everything is okay again, to the land of milk and honey and restored relationship with their Creator. People who don’t like the in-between or uncertainty. People like us.

I think we all want some restoration and revival. We are tired of death, mourning, and sadness. We are tired of bad news. We are tired of wandering in the desert with no foreseeable end.

But God promises to sustain us in this season. We can’t begin to try to understand why He’s allowed this to happen, but we can trust that there is a bigger plan at hand, and He has bigger purposes for our lives and the world than what we are able to see now. We can let him refresh us and restore us in this day, so we can move forward in His strength and not our own, and continue to endure no matter what comes next.

I know I need this refreshment. I can’t get through another minute of this without it, without Him. I know He is calling me to Himself, to deeper relationship and intimacy than I’ve known before. I want to distract myself from all the pain but He is asking me to face it and walk with Him through it. And He enables me to do so.

We can keep going because He walks with us. He knows pain, grief, and suffering. He knows boredom, weariness, and numbness. He knows our hearts. And He is not going to let us fall.

There’s a song called “Hoping” by the X Ambassadors that feels like the theme of my life (and perhaps all of our lives) right now:

I’m falling in this great divide
The earth, it splits, and my feet on both sides
And all my faith is shaking, II got to keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
When it all feels broken
Got to keep your hope alive

I’m falling in this great divide
The earth it shifts, and I’m on the other side
And I swear the world’s going crazy

But I still keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
When it all feels broken
Got to keep my hope alive’

Cause this war won’t wage itself
It’s time we tip the scales
With the weight of the world on ourselves now
And I’ve been wrong a thousand times or more
But I keep on letting on

Keep on hoping
Keep on hoping
Keep on hoping
Keep on hoping

Got to keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
It all feels broken
Got to keep your hope alive
Got to keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
Keep on hoping (keep on hoping)
When it all feels broken

You know I’ll stick around, hey
Keep on hoping

In this day, the Lord has filled me with hope. Nothing circumstantially has changed- in fact the news and the weather are gloomier than ever. However, I am reminded of the goodness ahead, and that after all this we will look back and be so grateful we made it through and came out so much stronger. I am looking forward with joy and anticipation of what God has in store.

Having something to hope for and look forward to is so important, even if it’s just a warm cup of coffee and silent time with God the next morning (I always look forward to that). Especially in times like these we must hold on to hope- where fear and despair linger thick in the air and we are tempted to let them swallow us whole because fighting is too painful.

Sometimes it hurts to hope.

At the beginning of all the craziness, planning my wedding felt too painful with the future being so uncertain. Everything looked so bleak and I didn’t (and still don’t) know if our reception would have to be postponed. The thought of that was devastating. I had imagined this season of my engagement to be perfect, and a pandemic was not part of my plan leading up to the wedding.

And yet, as I have been adjusting to this new way of life, hope is starting to rise in my heart as I picture our wedding- how much more meaningful and beautiful it is going to be after we have come through this. How much more we will appreciate gathering together and celebrating; how much bigger and better the celebration will be!

So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.

John 16:22

Maybe this time of sorrow now is meant to build a deeper and lasting joy in us, a joy that will be revealed at a later time, but gives us something immeasurably great to hope for. Maybe once we are allowed to gather together again and get back to “normal” life, we will see that we have been changed- that our collective suffering has shifted us from people who take things for granted to grateful and joyful people. Maybe we will see everything differently, and enjoy everything more fully. These are the things I hope for and hold onto.

We must keep looking ahead with hope- joy is coming.

Hearing that this shelter-in-place is going to continue for another month, it is hard not to panic.

Another month of this? It seems unbearable.

Another month of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety. Another month of counting down the days until things go back to “normal.” Another month of waiting and watching.

While a month feels daunting to me, I am reminded of the Israelites, who had to wait years in the desert for deliverance. I am reminded of countless characters in the Bible who waited so much longer than one month for God to show up for them, who amidst agonizing trials and deferred hopes kept the faith. And I am encouraged that if these ordinary people can wait patiently and trustingly, than so can I.

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

Psalm 27:14

Waiting patiently is not my forte. These long and boredom-filled days force me to analyze how I’m using my time–am I just biding my time until this is all over? There is a difference between actively waiting and passively waiting, and I fear I have been exercising the latter more than the former. Maybe this new deadline is a good thing; with a month ahead of me I have to create new disciplines, routines, and habits to get through it instead of gritting my teeth until it’s over. I have to dive into deeper communion with God, more time with family, projects, and things that I have been putting off in the name of “not having time.” Maybe this new abundance of time is an unexpected blessing for all of us, as we can finally go deeper instead of getting busier.

We don’t have excuses anymore.

If you are privileged as I am to have this ample amount of time and aren’t caring for sick people or scrambling financially, we have an opportunity. We have the opportunity to finally explore ourselves and all of our creative potentials, to learn how God wants us to wait on Him in this time, to sit at His feet and listen to what He is saying to us. We have the opportunity to learn new rhythms of rest and to slow down our over-excited minds and just be. To allow a new appreciation and gratitude to make way, to realize how very blessed we are, and how very good God is. Slowly but surely, we will be refined in the waiting if we do it well.

The news is scary, overwhelming, and changing every day. God remains good, faithful, and constant to his people.

There doesn’t need to be an end date for us to relax; we can trust here and now that He is in control, and use this time of freedom to enjoy His good gifts to the full, joyfully anticipating the hope to come.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6-7

This too shall pass.

That is not a verse in the Bible (as I tried to find it and it is not in there) but it came to mind yesterday and brought me great comfort, as a reminder that even though the world feels so overwhelming right now, this is not forever.

And in fact this is the perfect time to rejoice. We are being refined through the fire, and we will come out stronger.

I am one prone to fear and despair, and this time is certainly tempting me to engage heavily with both, especially as I am unable to be with the one I love right now and feel so limited in options of things to do. I am one who does not do well with an abundance of free time, as the guilt starts creeping in and telling me all the things I should be doing instead of watching TV, and takes a significant toll on my self-worth.

But I am learning to count my blessings. As each day passes by and I am getting used to this new temporary rhythm of life, I am finding joy in the small things:

Sleeping in as much as I want

Laying in the sun with a good book for hours

Ample time in the Word and in prayer

And I remember that while I am here afflicted with boredom and restlessness, there are others who are dying and experiencing pain beyond what I could imagine.

So I wonder if God is using this time to teach me about joy, about trusting Him in the midst of these confusing times, waiting and hoping for deliverance. I think about the joy of reuniting with my love after our time apart, and the similar but larger-scale joy the world will experience in due time once this has passed. What we sow in tears, we will reap in joy, if we will continue to trust Him and not give way to despair.

Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

…and do not give the devil a foothold.

Ephesians 4:27

In the midst of this pandemic and the spreading fear, I find myself swept up in the chaos. I find myself underwater and overwhelmed by all that’s going on in the world and all that’s going on in my own heart.

What am I afraid of? Do I not have my hope in the God of the universe?

But where is He when my fear feels like the most real thing, when my perspective narrows and all I can see is this present darkness?

I am giving the devil a foothold. Fear is his entryway into my heart, and he thrives on it. He creeps in unannounced, slowly entwining his grasp around the things I hold dear, slowly causing me to question and doubt God’s intentions for my life and this world.

He is very convincing, and makes very reasonable arguments. He is the voice in the news, the voice of “logic,” the voice of “self-help.”

But he also attacks and criticizes us, and tells us what we are most afraid to hear, what we are most afraid is true about ourselves. He tells us we are weak. He tells us we will never amount to anything and we will never overcome what is in front of us. He tells us we will never change and we are hopeless. And he does all this so slyly and subtly that we think we are just telling it to ourselves. He convinces us he is not even real.

The enemy is real, and he is on the hunt:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8

What better way to devour us than by getting us all-consumed with ourselves and our fears? By turning our focus inward instead of out, to the promises of God and His faithfulness?

I have a choice: anxiety or trust. When I choose fear, I am inviting the enemy into my life. When I choose trust, I invite God in. It is up to me who I extend the invitation to, and God waits and hopes that I will choose Him. The enemy ultimately has no power unless I give it to him, and God in His goodness has allowed us to make this choice, to choose light instead of darkness, trust instead of fear. It is not a natural choice, as we are so accustomed to our fears. But if we ask for help, the Holy Spirit will aid us in making it.