Author: alyssapebbles

Christ asks us for no less than total commitment to Him. When we are wishy-washy and dabble in sin, surrendering parts of ourselves and our lives to him but holding back other parts, He is not pleased. And neither will we be. We humans are good at compartmentalizing, allowing God only into the areas of our lives we don’t care as much about or know we can’t control. But when it comes to what we really want, need, and hope for, we are afraid of giving it up to Him because we don’t know what the outcome will look like. Yet if we say we are for Him, we have to be all in for Him. There is no half-hearted Christian walk. We are either all in for Jesus or we are not in at all.

The only way we can actually make progress in our faith is if we give Christ our undivided, full attention, in all things- especially the things that mean the most to us. What is your greatest desire in life, what is it that you hold back from Christ because you are so afraid of committing it to a power greater than yourself? Because that is the thing that you need to give up, right now, or it will destroy you. I’ve learned the hard way over and over again that not committing to Christ in one way is not committing to Him at all, for if we hold back one part of our life, nothing fits together the way it should, the way that God has planned.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28

God weaves all the seemingly unrelated moving parts of our lives together into a story that makes sense and is uniquely tailored to each of us, which is why we have to give Him all the parts of our story. If we hold back some of it, the story will not be complete. We cannot live in sin and simultaneously live in Christ- the two cannot coexist. And that’s why we feel that tension when we are not living the way we know we should. Surrendering the parts we choose to is easy; surrendering the parts we don’t want to is hard, but it’s the only way to grow. God asks for everything and our resistance draws us away from Him, even if we feel that we are committed in every other way.

All God asks for is a willing heart, a heart completely open to Him and His ways in our life, no matter what happens. Whether or not we get our way is irrelevant, because a life committed to Christ is an abundant and whole life, and it is so much better than the life we could ever possibly dream of. Surrender it all to Him in total commitment, and you will be fulfilled beyond imagination.

We are constantly settling for so much less than God has for us. We allow life to give us what we think we deserve- no more, no less. And yet God wants to give us what we don’t deserve. He wants to give us more than we could ever imagine. Why do we settle?

You have to come from a place of knowing, knowing how much worth you have in Christ, that He desires more for you than you could ever possibly desire for yourself. It is above our understanding; we can’t wrap our minds around it, and yet we must live into it or else we will never be fully satisfied. I feel the yearning for more in my life- I am not satisfied because I am looking to everyone but Christ to satisfy me, which will never amount to anything but more dissatisfaction. God doesn’t work on my terms and my timing but I keep trying to force Him to.

My way! My way! I’m screaming in my head. I feel like I’m about to explode with longing.

What do I long for? Certainly not what’s not good enough. Which is what I chase after, stupidly thinking each time it’s going to fulfill that aching hole in my soul.

It won’t. Why do I have to learn this lesson over and over again? There is no harmony, no peace in stubbornly pursuing my own agenda. There is none, don’t fool yourself. I’m sick and tired of it. I’m fed up! What’s the solution?

It’s not easy, giving up what you want. You think your plan is really great, right? I think mine is. I like my plan a lot. It seems unfair that God doesn’t like my plan, that He insists on making me wait and be patient. I don’t feel patient. I don’t feel like waiting. I want what I want, and I want it now. I’m a five year old throwing a temper tantrum.

But luckily, God is patient with us. He will let us throw our fit. We can wrestle with Him-Jacob did.

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

That’s what I feel like doing- demanding a blessing from God. I’ve waited long enough and I’m ready to be blessed, to experience victory. And God wants that for me too. He doesn’t want me to be complacent. But He is also a loving Father and needs to correct me. He won’t let me have my way when I am complaining like a child. What is to be gained if I get everything I want, when I want it? Spoiled, rotten pride and self-righteousness.

So once again, I find myself surrendering to His will, because my own leads to death. I can’t escape the pain that I cause myself, but there is another way. I know I will come out of this stronger than before, closer to God and His will for me. Maybe right now I don’t believe that His promises are better than what I have in mind, but it’s not up to me. I’m not in control, and neither are you. So let’s stop wasting our time and settling for less than the abundant life of Christ.

I find myself in the struggle of trying to keep up with everything that is going on and perpetually feeling left behind-confused, broken, and gathering up the pieces of what I thought was my life. I feel restless and rebellious, but also hopelessly lost. I don’t cling to Christ because I am angry and frustrated at what He hasn’t given me, what I deserve!

And at the same time I know that I am being selfish. But I am sick of being walked over and stepped on- by the world and by the own confines of my mind, the limits that I place on myself and on God.

God has no limits. He is everywhere, in every nook and cranny of your life, and His plan for you cannot be deterred no matter how far you stray; no matter how much you refuse Him.

As I wrestle with God in this place of confusion and frustration, I am learning to let go. To let go of who I thought I was and what I thought I was constrained to do, and realize that there is an incredible freedom available to me. It is not a freedom that I come by on my own efforts-clearly they lead me nowhere. It is the freedom of ending the crazy madness of measuring up, of letting the world define me and bring me down and mess with my mind and my soul.

I’m so tired.

He’s still there, waiting patiently for me to return with open arms. He won’t condemn me when I come and He won’t list out my wrongs. He won’t tell me I’m stupid or that I need to grow up. He won’t tell me I’m hopelessly lost or that I’ve ruined my future, even though I feel like all those things are true. Even though I am more comfortable condemning myself than accepting a grace that I don’t deserve.

No, instead he’ll hold me. He’ll tell me He loves me. He’ll tell me that I am enough. He’ll tell me to rest, and trust Him. I am weak, but He is strong. He will show me the way back to abundant life, a life that I cannot manufacture- a life filled with His grace and mercy and hope. I am set free, if I will receive it.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folks in their prime stumble and fall. But those wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind. ~Isaiah 40:31 Message version

Change is hard. You don’t need me to tell you this. You know it so well, have experienced it so many times that you have become accustomed to its unsuspecting but all-encompassing grip on your very foundation. Yet it still rocks you, still catches you off-guard and knocks the wind out of you every time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Everything has its season, and sometimes we try too hard to hold onto the seasons that are in the past; the seasons have changed and yet we try to remain the same.

We are not the same. We are different, transformed, and new- every day. This is the resurrected life that Jesus has called us to. There is no going back to who you used to be. You have been changed and your life is different now than it once was. And that is such a good thing.

I find myself constantly either living in the past or living in the future. I have a hard time staying in the present, engaging with where I am right now. Maybe that’s because I am such a dreamer, but it is so incredibly damaging to my well being. I’m scared to move forward so I stay stuck in the past, but the past only drags me down and haunts my very bones. I am not who I was, and the things that happened to me or that I chose in the past do not define who I am or what choices I get to make today. Change is inevitable and it is crucial, because change is growth. Change means we are growing and learning and things are not the same; can no longer remain the same. It’s hard because it requires dying of self, which is always painful and never easy. It requires letting go of old ways of being and taking on the new form Christ has for us.

For me it looks like letting go of being a victim. It looks like using the resources that God has giving me to produce fruit, abiding in Him so my branches don’t die off and produce nothing. Through God, I can experience victory because He has already triumphed. I no longer need to feel sorry for myself or just let life happen to me as a passive bystander. No, God is calling me to change: to be someone who stands up for herself and others; who, coming from place where she knows she is loved, is able to go out and love others. God is my defense and my refuge- I don’t need to defend myself or live in the past anymore. I am changed, and so are you.

It is never too late to change and if you don’t make the first move, God will. Change is scary, yes, but without change there is no growth, and without growth there is no life.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10

It’s funny how we think we are so in control of our own lives until one little change completely shakes and shatters our confidence. I am reminded how fragile I am and how much I allow the world to define me instead of God, who is the One in which my identity actually lies. We are so easily thrown off course into the wilderness, just like the Israelites, even when we might have believed only minutes ago that we were completely immune to that kind of sinful living.

God has reminded me how selfish I am, how very little I actually trust Him with my life when it comes to down to it. I “trust” Him when I feel in control, but as soon as I recognize that control as an illusion, I am immediately thrown into a fit of fear and anxiety and it’s like all the truth I know has just been thrown out the window. Where does this painful insecurity come from? It is not from God.

I know I am trusting God when there is peace in my heart; when my identity does not feel threatened every moment of the day and I am constantly searching for approval from others, devastated if I don’t receive it. Which is most of the time. If we are looking to other people to affirm our identity we will never be satisfied, because no one person can ever understand you completely. No one person can ever support you completely or love you completely. We live in a fallen world. That is why we need Jesus, so so desperately. Our identities, our souls, are at stake. We have to trust Him with everything or else we don’t really trust Him at all and we are subject to what the world says about us. That’s how it works.

Easier said than done.

So what do I do when the lies and anxiety and pain are so real in my head that I can’t breathe? I have to, have to, give it up to God. I have to let go and realize that it’s not my burden to bear. That God doesn’t want me to suffer in this way- suffer from my own doing: from fear. Trust is not passive; it requires me to actively fight against the lies and see my life for what it really is. It requires me to see the bigger picture of what God is doing and allow Him to do it, knowing that He has my best, and everyone’s best, in mind. It’s time to stop letting fear drive the car.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 4:6-7

Vulnerability is scary. It requires us to open up to others even when we do not know the outcome- we do not know how we will be received and perceived. It is a loss of control, a letting go of the image that we wish to uphold. It is is allowing others to see our humanity, and I think it is about the bravest thing one can do.

We live in a culture in which it is very taboo to be vulnerable; we are told to suck it up and make it look like we are thriving whether we are or not. Status and appearance are everything- the less you reveal, the stronger you are. We are told to shove down our feelings and pretend that we are okay when we are not. Showing feelings is showing weakness. But here’s a secret: the more you try to hide and shove down your feelings, the stronger they will become until they nearly swallow you whole. They will consume every part of you until you can no longer function and feel like you are going to burst unless you let them out.

Now I’m not saying you should go around as a completely open book, unleashing your problems and worries on every person you meet throughout the day. That is not vulnerability- that is seeking attention. Oversharing is a real thing, and if we don’t guard our hearts by revealing too much too soon, we will get hurt, no doubt about it. I know this well from experience. There are appropriate times and appropriate people to share with what is on our hearts, and it takes good judgment to know when those times are. However, this doesn’t take away the uncertainty of the response. But at that point it doesn’t matter anymore- it is not about the response. It is about the freedom that comes from letting go of the pain inside of you, of letting another person see you as you are; take it or leave it. It is about connection and reaching out, communicating that you need help and are not perfect. It is about repentance and coming before God and others in admittance of the imperfect human you are and your desperate need of the unfailing grace of our Father. That is where the freedom comes from: not that we will always be received well by people, but we will always be received well by God. In fact it is in our most vulnerable moments that He embraces us and we are able to connect with Him more fully. We come to know that we are unconditionally loved and accepted as we are, and there is no reason to pretend anymore. We no longer have to keep doing the exhausting work of maintaining our image and micromanaging others’ perceptions of us. We are free to be who we really are, warts and all.

We need to stop looking at vulnerability as weakness, because it is not. Vulnerability is strength, a quiet, beautiful kind of strength that you must re-train your eyes to see. Stop carrying your burdens alone- that is not how it was meant to be. Be vulnerable with God first- trust Him with your burdens and then, with your trust and foundation in Him, you won’t be afraid to be vulnerable with others anymore because their opinions don’t matter; the only opinion that matters is God’s and He is always delighted when His children come to Him in need and weakness. He is our one source of strength, and he provides people in our life who He equips to support us. Stop trying to do it on your own; lean on God’s grace.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9

As someone who is rather emotionally inclined, Seasonal Affective Disorder is a real thing for me. Why I chose to live in the rainiest state in the country is beyond me, but maybe it’s because God wanted to teach me how to be led by His stable and enduring grace instead of my flimsy and constantly changing emotions. Feelings are so deceptive and misleading. If you’re like me, you can allow them to dictate the truth of who you are and of your life if you’re not careful; when I’m sad, I’m worthless and my life is a mess; when I’m happy, I’m loved and valuable and my life is great. What an unreliable foundation!

And yet sometimes the sadness is a downward spiral that I can’t will or pray myself out of no matter how hard I try. And it becomes bigger than me- not only am I hopeless, but so is the world and everyone around me. Instead of looking inside myself to see what’s really going on (which is usually something rather trivial to be honest) I project it out to the world around me. And believe me, it’s not difficult to find the negative in the world if you’re really looking. All you have to do is turn on the news or walk down the homeless-infested streets of Seattle. It is so easy to lose hope. And that is why we need a Savior who gives us everlasting hope, hope that doesn’t depend on our current mood or even our current world. It’s an enduring and perfect hope that can never be diminished by anything we encounter in this world, because it is not of this world. Our hope is in the Lord, our Creator and Sustainer. He is the beginning and the end we have to look forward to as followers of Christ. And therefore, if we look to His perfect and glorious plan which is not dependent on anything we do or don’t do, feel or don’t feel, say or don’t say, we will not be shaken. Praise the Lord!

I know it can be hard to get out of bed sometimes-to face yet another dreary, rainy day- but you must keep showing up. You must keep trusting that even though things feel out of control and hard right now, they will not feel this way forever. This too shall pass. Hold on to something more stable, something that will truly sustain you. Hold on to Christ. He is holding onto you.

We live in a culture that praises stress and busyness, as though those are the ideals that we need to attain: to be as busy as possible, as stressed as possible. You are praised if your calendar is completely full without a minute to spare; if your mind is going a million different directions at once and you suffer from multiple breakdowns a day. Why is this a good thing?

As someone who not only is interested in mental health but also a follower of Jesus, it drives me nuts sometimes to live in this twisted culture, where rest is regarded as laziness and stress as strength- a pillar of endurance. Especially among college students, the category I fall under, the busier you are, the more chance you have of going somewhere in life, of being someone.

What if we were all just rushing around in circles, instead of actually making progress like we seem to think we are? What if all this chaotic busyness, overstimulation, stress and burnout were actually hindering our potential to be who we truly want to be, who we were made to be?

God never says anywhere in His Word to keep every last minute of your day occupied. Nope, instead He invites us to rest. He invites us to be people of rest, and people who invite others to rest. When we are swarming around trying to get more things done in a day than should be done in an entire year, we are inviting others to do the same. We are sending the message that you are not good enough unless you are doing something, being productive, working towards your future…etc. And we are sending that message to ourselves.

Once you realize that you have value apart from what you do, simply in who you are, you no longer have rush around and be stressed out all time. You begin to be more intentional about how you spend your time, who you spend it for. You get more done by doing less. Your priorities are rearranged and you see how much time you’ve wasted on meaningless things. Ask God for eyes to see. I have and He has shown me how much of the things I used to care about and spend so much time on are hollow, empty pleasures- distractions from Him. His way is a simple way, a way that doesn’t even require anything from us besides obedience and trust. If we’ll say yes to Him, we can finally let go of all the things that have been sucking our souls dry and see that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:29). He will show us how to spend our time, and He will also allow us to rest, because rest is critical for rejuvenating our souls and our relationship with Christ.

So stop spinning your wheels and get to know our Father. He has so much better for you.

God has a way of rejuvenating our spirit when we are lost and desperate and needy for Him. There is something so powerful about second chances, new days, New Years. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). He refreshes my soul when I have completely emptied it of anything worthwhile or substantial; when I have chosen the fleeting pleasures of the world over the lasting pleasure of living for Him. Why is this a lesson I have to relearn over and over again? Why do I forget God’s goodness, His faithfulness?

If we are not constantly refreshing ourselves, our souls, in the Word, we will forget. It is inevitable. Just as with anything you dedicate your life to, anything you worship, you spend great time on it.

You. Have. To. Spend. Time. With. God.

You will not grow in your faith and in yourself unless you do, unless you are constantly seeking Him. Seek, and you shall find, knock, and the door will be answered (Matthew 7:7-8). We forget because we spend too much time giving our hearts away to other things: TV, school, social events, our pets…you name it. In a world full of endless possibilities of idols we can worship, there is only one person that truly matters and will truly transform your life, save your life: Jesus. It is so good to be reminded, and I know the journey ahead is long and not easy; but it is so worth it. It is the only journey that really matters in the end-the journey of faith. And God gives me joy and endurance in the present to keep pressing on towards the goal. He will give it to you to.

We are always looking at what we don’t have and what we want. But when we want Jesus-truly, deeply, desperately want him- we are no longer in want. What a glorious revelation! We are finally content and finally able to live in the present, to embark on the adventure set before us without seeing lack. I have always loved the idea of abundance, and that is what God gives us: an abundance of grace, love, peace, hope, joy, strength, courage, and love. All things are possible through Him. All things. I am filled with so much hope for the new year, 2017, not because of the goals I set for myself but because of the goals He has set for me. Because He is doing a good work in me and will continue until the day it is completed (Philippians 1:6). All I have to do is keep reminding myself, and saying yes, and obeying. He wants to completely transform me and my life. We think the new year is about transforming ourselves, but its about letting Him change our very beings to become more like Jesus. It takes a constant and conscious surrendering of all that we are before Him, knowing He has more than enough to give us- more than we could ever possibly imagine for ourselves. Trust Him, and say yes to the journey.

The best is yet to come.

As I have mentioned many times before, I have always struggled with self-worth. It is not something that I think will ever go away, but there are ways to manage it, and let me tell you right now: beating yourself up and criticizing yourself is about the worst way to manage it. It shuts us down into a tight ball of shame that takes so much soul nurturing to come out of. I have experienced this way too many times and I never want to again, nor see anyone else go through the same thing.

Why do we treat ourselves so unkindly sometimes? What evolutionary purpose does it serve? What causes the onset of these critical and condemning voices? First thing’s first: the condemnation does not come from God. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that He is trying to whip you into shape by pointing out every last flaw until you change and become perfect. This. is. not. possible. That voice is called Perfectionism and it is essentially the Devil in disguise- seeking to kill and destroy our souls. Perfectionism tells us that once we become perfect (in any facet- appearance, status, money, job, family, you name it) we will be happy. Except one little caveat: that will never happen. You cannot and will not ever become perfect in any area of your life. Perfectionism is fear and control-based; it shimmies into our lives as a result of us feeling dissatisfied by something about ourselves or our life and feeling the need to control and fix it instead of giving it up to God, who is really the only one who can actually fix it. We are fooling ourselves!

I have to learn this lesson over and over again. It may actually be the most important lesson I’ve learned in my life, and yet somehow I keep forgetting it. Somehow I keep letting the little gremlins into my mind that tell me I’m never good enough, never doing enough, that I will never be who I am supposed to be. I become so consumed in this negative identity and spiral of thoughts that I become hopeless and I forget that Jesus is right there begging for me to give myself some grace because He already has. We fall into pits, and we think we can dig ourselves out but we only dig ourselves deeper in.

Jesus is the one who lifts us up out of our pity-party, our miserable wallowing in our own brokenness. He knows we’re broken- that’s why He came. It is because of Him that we no longer have to dwell in that place; He saved us from our worst enemy: ourselves. I am amazed every time I remember this truth and begin to see from a new lens, how all of a sudden it is so much easier to offer myself grace and forgive myself when I remember that I have already been given grace and been forgiven. It’s a miracle! I am free! I am free to fill my mind with truth and goodness and hope and joy and let go of the critical, condemning voices. I am free to pursue wholeness, instead of perfection; oneness with God. He is not disappointed in me, and He is not disappointed in you. We are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else, especially God. He loves us as we are, no matter how much of a mess we may feel. It is from that place of unconditional love that we can grow and change and become even more of who we were meant to be. Shame shuts us down and doesn’t allow us to change; God’s love makes it impossible not to change.

So stop trying to fix yourself. That’s God’s job. Listen and trust, and learn to rest in Him. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

Matthew 11:28-30