when life feels chaotic and I feel like a mess…

I find myself in the struggle of trying to keep up with everything that is going on and perpetually feeling left behind-confused, broken, and gathering up the pieces of what I thought was my life. I feel restless and rebellious, but also hopelessly lost. I don’t cling to Christ because I am angry and frustrated at what He hasn’t given me, what I deserve!

And at the same time I know that I am being selfish. But I am sick of being walked over and stepped on- by the world and by the own confines of my mind, the limits that I place on myself and on God.

God has no limits. He is everywhere, in every nook and cranny of your life, and His plan for you cannot be deterred no matter how far you stray; no matter how much you refuse Him.

As I wrestle with God in this place of confusion and frustration, I am learning to let go. To let go of who I thought I was and what I thought I was constrained to do, and realize that there is an incredible freedom available to me. It is not a freedom that I come by on my own efforts-clearly they lead me nowhere. It is the freedom of ending the crazy madness of measuring up, of letting the world define me and bring me down and mess with my mind and my soul.

I’m so tired.

He’s still there, waiting patiently for me to return with open arms. He won’t condemn me when I come and He won’t list out my wrongs. He won’t tell me I’m stupid or that I need to grow up. He won’t tell me I’m hopelessly lost or that I’ve ruined my future, even though I feel like all those things are true. Even though I am more comfortable condemning myself than accepting a grace that I don’t deserve.

No, instead he’ll hold me. He’ll tell me He loves me. He’ll tell me that I am enough. He’ll tell me to rest, and trust Him. I am weak, but He is strong. He will show me the way back to abundant life, a life that I cannot manufacture- a life filled with His grace and mercy and hope. I am set free, if I will receive it.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folks in their prime stumble and fall. But those wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind. ~Isaiah 40:31 Message version