As a church-dwelling Christian for the past ten years of my life, I have discovered the life-giving, beautiful and empowering community that the church can be. Being among God’s people has lifted me up in the darkest seasons, given me the deepest friendships I’ve ever had, and strengthened my faith in a way it never could have been on my own.
But I have noticed one glaring deficiency, particularly in the more “Christian culture” type of churches and areas. It’s the compulsion among many church members (hear me, not all) to give off the image of being a “perfect” Christian. I will admit to being guilty of this at times.
We put on our Sunday best, dressing our kids up in their little matching polos or dresses, hoping to project that we have it all together. We love to talk about how our kids are excelling in sports or academics. We talk about our own successes, the vacations we are going on soon. We talk about all the exciting things God is doing in our lives. We keep the conversation light, making sure not to offend anyone or get into anything too heavy. We get uncomfortable if someone brings up something hard they are struggling with, and immediately try to shift the conversation back to the positives, all the “blessings” in our lives. Because good Christians don’t complain, right?
None of this is inherently wrong. It is good to dwell on the good; in fact it is biblically encouraged (see Philippians 4:8). But when it’s all we are comfortable talking about and sharing with members of the body who we are supposed to be sharing not only our joys but our burdens with, there is a problem.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.
~Galatians 6:2-3
Bearing one another’s burdens is fulfilling the law of Christ. It is a prerequisite to following God. He knows we are in a fallen world and that we are all suffering in one way or another, so He made us for each other to lean on one another. How do we do that? We have to share our hearts. We have to share what’s really going on in our world, not just what we want others to see.
I get that that’s hard for a lot of people. Social media certainly has not helped. We are trained from the moment we are born to keep our problems to ourselves and sacrifice our mental health for the sake of looking good, looking like we have it altogether, and not burdening others. Women are especially vulnerable to this mindset. And it is so twisted.
On the other hand, I have always lived with my heart on my sleeve. If I’m upset, everyone around me knows it. I guess I never received the “how to be a proper woman” handbook because I’ve always felt so different than my female peers. I’ve never been able to “fake it” or appear to have it altogether. I’ve always been a mess and everyone around me knows it, because I do talk about it. Admittedly sometimes too much, and the Lord is refining me in this area and teaching me the difference between true lament and mere complaining.
But you know what I’ve noticed? Whenever I do talk about my struggles, other people start opening up too. And suddenly I feel less alone. And they feel less alone. And something magical happens. We all feel closer and more at peace. They tell me they are grateful for my vulnerability. That me sharing my hard helps them with their hard.
So maybe it’s a gift when properly stewarded?
As I’ve gone through some intense trials the past six years of my life between chronic illness, a pandemic marriage and pregnancy, and a challenging child, my heart has changed for the suffering. I can no longer avert my eyes away from others’ pain, because it is my daily reality. I long to know others’ stories of hardship and overcoming, to give me hope that I am not the only one going through something hard, and that it is possible to move forward and to grow and heal. To know that my pain is normal, not something that makes me lesser than or weak.
The truth is, everyone is suffering. We all have something(s), major or minor, that are disrupting our lives and even making us question God at times. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.
We create a toxic church when we only focus on the “positive.”
Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation is. While there are benefits to being optimistic and engaging in positive thinking, toxic positivity rejects all difficult emotions in favor of a cheerful and often falsely positive façade.1
I think this toxic positivity stems from the fact that we have the Americanized, prosperity gospel notion that suffering is bad and to be avoided. But this is not the gospel truth at all, in fact it’s in stark contrast to it:
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
~John 16:33, emphasis added
Mainstream American culture has seeped into the church, having us believe that if we just work hard enough and have enough faith, our lives will be happy and blessed. It’s an enticing perspective and easy to get sucked into. It even often seems as if it is the case based on the claims of many so called “believers.”
But don’t be fooled– the reality is that suffering is our lot in this life, regardless of our faith or efforts. Just look at the greatest “heroes” of Bible– they all suffered tremendously, often by the hand of God Himself. Sometimes I feel like I can relate more to Job than to the people around me, but maybe that’s not a bad thing. Because suffering isn’t the end of the story, but it certainly will be if we don’t talk about it.
Maybe what we’re so afraid of isn’t the suffering itself, but the loss of our idol of self-sufficiency. Because when we admit that we are struggling, we are admitting we need help. And when we admit we need help, we are conceding that we can’t do it on our own.
But good news, friends. We were never supposed to do it on our own. That’s kind of the whole point of Jesus dying on the cross.
When we recognize and admit our need, first to God and then to the trusted members of our church body, we are met with the true blessing of fellowship with God and His people. And that far outweighs any superficial blessings we could ever desire.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
~Matthew 5:3-5
It is only in acknowledging our weakness that we find His true strength. It is only through suffering that we are made whole. None of us gets through this life without pain, so let’s stop pretending it doesn’t exist. Rather, let’s embrace one another without judgment or fear and limp along together towards the cross.
One day all our pain will be gone.
rhythms of grace 